I shouldn’t be sad. I’m having the “You have no place in this world to call home” transit and everything is happening as God intended but still….
There is no place in this world to call home.
The weird part is in the absence of any home how much my life has expanded.
I just got ‘home’ from performing on two different stages and walking around downtown by myself at night. Walking thru sketchy areas at night has become a slight addiction. Why do they say you’re not supposed to do that? So far I haven’t found out.
But I wonder if this growth is leading anywhere or if life will be a never ending series of random events and people. I should be patient since it’s only been a month and a half since I moved out and the first month was spent trying not to die of heartbreak.
It’s just that there is no one to tell anything to. Not that there really was before since James didn’t like me to talk. But even writing in journals to yourself feels different when you are part of a home and a family. I can’t really write in journals anymore because I’m too unsettled and at the same time have more happiness than ever before.
If happiness means a high and fluttery feeling.
But I also had happiness in my old life when I would cry in bed everyday. It was a different kind of happiness though, like the way you feel in a soft pink egg. Even in sadness there was a feeling of peace.
Our spirit is made of fire and air. It propels us outwards & forwards, towards people and the future. Our soul is made of water and earth, a soft gooey dough that absorbs all experiences. Happy or sad, all experiences become meaningful when they encounter the soul’s soft body.
In my old life my spirit was trapped. Now it’s free. Yet my soul is nowhere to be found. Friends are not family. You can’t cry around them and if you do it’s some big fucking deal where you have to apologize afterwards. You can’t share the minutia of life that is the soul’s food. You can’t gorge on donuts and sink into a coma. You have to be on and up. Fire & air.
And I’m grateful for the newness. But it’s hard to settle down. I dance all the time. Sometimes I run rather than walk. Without a soul, you have so much energy.
But this is my predestined time of wandering the earth like a spirit. I need to make the best of my “There is no place for you to call home” transit and have faith that life will eventually congeal.
I used my EBT card to buy Twinkies. They are good but more spirit than soul, unlike fresh baked pastries.
An egg pauses for his moment in the limelight.
He had his portrait painted too.
In astrology, the sun is your spirit and the moon is your soul. My moon lives in the house of marriage so getting unmarried was disruptive soul-wise. However, there is a little trick with this placement where it can also mean having an emotional relationship with The Public, a gooey blob of unknown minds.
So in the absence of a James, I started sharing minutia from my life on facebook. Which caused people to attack me for being an attention seeking whore. But I blocked them for being stupid. Because it isn’t attention the moon craves. It’s ooey gooey connection.
I had to take a picture of myself with a guitar for some gigs.
This picture sums up my previous life. There was a lot of crying but damn…. doesn’t that bed look firm and plump? I miss it.
It’s not so much circumstances that are bugging me out as the questions… is love real, is home real, is anything real? What is there in life that weighs more than paper? I thought I would have a family in eternity. I even thought my house would be with me in heaven. When I was painting its walls, I felt I was building something permanent.
Push me back onto my feet Where life can bring so many things I know No where to belong.
Push me back onto the wall I wont need you catch me when I fall Water on my own.
What I feel is calm What I feel is slow Push me to the wall Down onto the floor
Step inside the ring Push me to the side What I feel is you What I do is hide.
Close your eyes or go to sleep One million ways to never feel a thing Do you want to take that ride?
Close your eyes then find a way Another world is never far away Just three cuts and then you fly.
What I feel is calm What I feel is slow Push me to the wall Down onto the floor
Step inside the ring Push me to the side What I feel is you What I do is hide.
Push me back onto my feet Where life can bring so many things I go Moving through the crowd.
Lost inside I’ll find a way One million ways to never see the day Turn your eyes onto the ground. What I feel is calm What I feel is slow Push me to the wall Feel the water flow
Step inside the ring Push me to the side What I feel is you What I do is hide.
Pictures come just like a dream Then fade I don’t know what I should believe Were you really there at all?
Were you there when I was down? Were you the one carried me to ground? Water for a home.
What I feel is calm What I feel is slow Push me to the wall Down onto the floor
Step inside the ring Push me to the side What I feel is you What I do is hide.
Backing up for full chaos view. Being single really does feel like being bombarded by winds in a world with no gravity. Thats the worst part. People focus a lot on how they are treated in relationships but the thing is that regardless of how you are treated, loyalty to someone else is a gift you give yourself, since it centers, condenses & focuses your energy.
To be pulled in all directions simultaneously, with no one thing having greater or lesser claim on you is disorienting.
Maybe if I had more money then I could enjoy blowing in the wind b/c I wouldn’t fear being dashed upon rocks at any moment. I may have gotten my income up to $500 a month however, due to having a second gig each week.
Maybe the air is blowing me in the right direction and in the end it will all be okay. My plan for being single had been to paint little signs with flowers & bible verses and hang them everywhere. To make God my replacement husband & gravity center. But the reality is too chaotic for that.
And also, although God is superior to a husband in the sense of being all powerful, all knowing & perfect, he is inferior because you have to use your own brain to connect with him and my brain is too overwhelmed already. There is no space to associate with more beings of the sky.
One thing I think about a lot is how to combat various influences in your life.
Some transits, for example, will bring in a lot of dark energy. Others aggressive red energy. Others uplifting delusions that lead to your doom. What is the best way of handling this?
In theory, you could harness this energy for a successful outcome. Use the red energy to become a fireman. The dark energy to become a detective. But what about when the energy is coming from outside sources…. someone is screaming at you, someone is trying to murder you? Will becoming a fireman really help?
Let’s say for example, you are having a Mars transit causing clash and conflict in relationships. In my experience, if you try to become more assertive at this time it will blow up in your face. You are cranking up the heat on a situation that is already too hot.
Same as trying to become more spiritual under a Neptune influence. You are already too deluded. If you try to become more spiritual you just end up in white robes with a dick in your mouth. You could even go insane.
I’ve experienced this a lot with dark Pluto transits. I’ll tell myself maybe Pluto is fucking with me because I’m not black enough. This line of thought stems from when I lived in New England. They really hated fire there and yet their houses were always burning down. So I assumed fire was getting revenge on them for not embracing it. But maybe I was wrong & the houses were just burning due to being hundreds of years old or people needing insurance money.
But regardless, this led me to try adding black energy when Pluto got too scary in the hopes this would pacify him. Which always led to disaster. Violence, injuries, being scapegoated & generally ass raped which is Pluto’s signature move. Things got scarier. No matter how much I liked the idea in theory it didn’t work in practice.
Applying opposite energies seems to work better. You can cut down on anger & aggression during Mars transits if you stick to colors like blue and green, while avoiding red hots at all costs. But sometimes this gives me a little bit of FOMO. Sure, I am dodging a bullet but am I also missing a once in a lifetime chance to become a fireman?
I don’t know. Some people think air conditioning is an appropriate response to hot & humid summers while others think it is better to eat chile peppers & bake in the sun to acclimate yourself. Who is right & who is wrong? I worry about this every day.
But one thing is sure. In a crisis, when suffering from heat stroke, AC, shade & water are better than building a bonfire. At least until the immediate threat passes.
So perhaps when assaulted by darkness it is better to go to church & become a saint rather than buy a cauldron.
I’m not sure. I am currently being assaulted by darkness so I will try the “Become a Saint” approach & let you know how it goes. If you don’t hear from me again, you will know it didn’t go well.
First bring the needle out Tighten up the tourniquet And now you feel the waters flow And now the whole world grows so wet
And now how blood is beautiful Liquid ruby through your veins and I will love you fire to fire Desire. You make me feel pain.
Falling back again With your eyes an inch a way And somehow turn from day to night Then somehow turn from night to day
And now you light your pipe again And now you speak your words they’re never true You feel the room spin round and round Theres only me and you and now
How red is beautiful Liquid ruby through my veins And I, I feel the world dissolve resolve You make me feel pain.
First bring the needle out Slide it through my eye oh I oh I How I could live for this So high above the world I fly I fly
I’ll love you fire to fire And I will love you flame to flame And I oh will I marry you, I do You make me feel pain.
This is a song I heard in a dream so those I usually just write down without judgment. It is different because at the time I was obsessively surrounding myself only with the colors white, yellow & gold in the hopes that they would protect me from black swirls. Did they? It is hard to say. The black storms still occurred but I got way more help from fb friends than I could have imagined (gold) and was able to learn new skills quicker than I thought possible (yellow.) So I didn’t control the whole universe, but it’s still something.
All the winds were blowing And their thoughts were filling my mind Everybody watching Looking to the sky for a sign Water started rolling Changing everything that it touched Filled our hearts with knowing All the things that hurt us too much On high on high on high On high on high on high.
Caught up in the weakness Thought it was chance I could take Till I saw him coming Then I knew I made a mistake. But were there people watching? All these thoughts were filling my mind Could there be something starting To bring us in a new wave of time? On high on high on high on high on high on high
Are there people watching? Feel them there each time that you move Reaching out for something But somehow always missing the groove Maybe there was something Something that he couldn’t explain Dipping in your fingers And feeling just a little more pain.
Still the winds are blowing Living in a world of their own Once they get it rolling Then we’ll see the reason to go In me blue was flowing All its voices filling my mind Left me with the knowing That there was something better to find On high on high on high On high on high on high.
In case you would like to donate a drop of money for music. I hope that in the future, when people think of me they will also think of money. * * *
When I found myself suddenly alone with no income, selling my possessions became the obvious choice, especially since that would make things easier if I ended up on the streets. Luckily one of my obsessions is glass. I love its clear gelatinous nature & it happens to sell rather well on ebay which is a ray of hope. I assume my ebay identity is julienaklei…. not that I am necessarily encouraging anyone to go to my ebay store- it is just me selling everything I own, not my crowning achievement per se.
A glass lady bug. I love vivid orange glass especially. So refreshing.
A “WV Day” piece from Blenko glass. These are limited edition & so sell for a lot of money.
A dog & a “pink ice” bottle.
A glass key chain with the letter W on it. For George W Bush.
A glass mushroom with a red cap.
Business cards. I figured I could also do astrology readings to support myself. I tuck one into the box of everything I sell on ebay.
This is sort of a picture of Patton. I think if he were a human he would like sports.
You can leave if you want to but don’t look back I’m warning you- You won’t like the way that things have changed. Two black leaves will be my eyes, the winds will roll, the water rise- All the things that time can rearrange.
If you go. These are the things you should know. Backwards the water will flow. Eyes in skull. Bouncing ball.
You were mine. We lived in a house made of time. The prayers and the sayings would rhyme. Dream you feel. Not quite real.
In the end you were a man, you stood there on your own. Always smiling like a friend yet somehow quite alone.
You can leave if you want to but don’t look back I’m warning you- You won’t like the way that things have changed. Two black leaves will be my eyes, the winds will roll, the water rise- All the things that time can rearrange.
If you see a picture that holds you and me, A pitcher of pure family. Dark things hide. Stay inside.
But the flame. He lived in a cage with no name. The day he was born he was blamed. Bouncing ball. Animal.
In the end, he was a fire he stood there on his own. Worlds would disappear inside him Who knows where they go?
You can leave if you want to but don’t look back I’m warning you- You won’t like the way that things have changed. Two black leaves will be my eyes, the winds will roll, the water rise- All the things that time can rearrange.
First the sound of laughing. Life is all around. I lie. Close my eyes again and I Feel it falling down. I fly.
I can see behind me. I see you. I remember then when you Were my only blue.
All the waves come crashing To my mind that’s how it goes. I was stationed like a pool. You were free to go.
Falling down into me Now I can’t explain why I’m Reaching out to touch your face Touch me back and then I fly.
Hover in the air to watch you there. You were getting bored the more that I tried. And my arms blew all around you like a storm and nothing more. You stayed inside.
Raining down again I try To remember all you said. But the pieces never fit Piling up inside my head.
Close my eyes again and I I see you. Take me back again to when You’re my only blue.
I feel like the group mind is my retarded little brother. He’s so SSSSLLLLLOOOWWWW. A fire breaks out and four years later he shows up with his extinguisher. But now storm clouds are approaching. Hey Retard- LOOK! Do you see that?!?
No, he doesn’t. He’s too busy rolling around on the floor, whacking off to the idea of himself as a fireman.
He’s never any help in the moment. But once the battle is over you can bet he’ll show up on the field to take selfies, then whack off to the idea of himself as a soldier.
Like now, what are people talking about? They are still responding to concepts like ‘toxic masculinity’ ‘believe all women.’ They are still calling people snowflakes. All moments that have passed! (I am making strangling movements with my hands while thinking about this cause it frustrates me so much.) Meanwhile they ignore the threats which are clear and present.
Snowflakes. I got called a snowflake today for the fact that- personally- I find the Heard trial triggering. I find it triggering that she owes 10 million for an op-ed. I find it triggering that people are treating her like a piece of shit when- for all they know- she actually was abused.
Really I should take it as a compliment because I do plan to be a snowflake in years to come. Snowflakes are exactly what we’ll need in the fiery, insensitive days that lie ahead. I claim a right to my own feelings and a right to express them regardless of whether or not they are the feelings someone else believes I should have.
The snowflake phenomenon was only in play during the latter half of the 2010s decade when Neptune was in the second decan of Pisces, which turns people into whiny entitled babies. The problem with those snowflakes is they weren’t real snowflakes. They were bullies in snowflake disguise. Neptune represents what people try to *appear* to be, what they see as ideal, not necessarily what they are.
So the problem with snowflakes circa 2019 is they weren’t really sensitive, they just used concepts like empathy and sensitivity as an excuse to bully others. I guess the overly self-indulgent attitude was a problem as well. Micro-traumas demanded staying home from work to binge watch tv while wearing face masks. But you can guarantee that will be ending soon.
Likewise, the anti-male sentiment people are now reacting too is also in the rearview mirror. It has been for a while. In the past couple years, women have been the main target under group mind attack. Karens. Amy Cooper. Ashli Babbitt. Men in women’s sports and restrooms. Men debating whether or not women have the right to live if it would require an abortion. People saying dumb shit like female on male violence is a serious problem as the Taliban forces women back into their homes. Please don’t hurt me retarded brother. I know the words of 2019 are still ringing in your ears. But I’m not attempting to mount men and force them into eternal submission. Just saying what appears to be true. Men need to finish licking paper cuts which are four years old and move into the current moment. It’s embarrassing.
So what’s coming up? Fire. Aggression. Anger. Athletes. Soldiers. Action. No more laziness. No more philosophical discussions. Dogs. We will all become dogs. But hard dogs, street dogs, dogs that have no owners to soften them.
So I am preparing for my usual position of opposing the group mind as it moves around the zodiac. I plan to become more sensitive. Start taking bubble baths. Float around in them for hours while drooling on myself as tears pour from my eyes.
In case you would like to read more about this from an astrology perspective…
I have to say though- sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night panicking, because in all these years Neptune has been travelling through Pisces I have done nothing but talk smack about it. The truth is Pisces has a lot to offer but every time I try to write something positive about it I suddenly become too lazy to move. So I don’t know what to do about it.
Good things have come from these years though. Things I am only now beginning to appreciate as our Pisces time is drawing to a close. I just saw the movie Top Gun- which I feel accurately captures the values & perspective of Neptune in Aries. I am afraid I won’t cut it in this vigorous new world.
(Hi- this is Julien from the future dropping in to tell you I just wrote a post explaining one of the gifts- sacrifice- that can be gained from Neptune’s transit through Pisces.)
