Okay I was underachieving a little harder than normal today with this picture.
Like a piece of string dangling in something you wrote Hanging there on a chair in the darkness and oh Feel the clouds rushing in and I start to feel hazy
So I think about you like a drink in my mind Stir it round pour it down and im wondering why With your eyes to the side make me feel like I’m crazy
With your hair and the palm of your hand If you wanted to I could believe. All the things that nobody can teach you You learn when you’re down on your knees.
You were lost in a world where the pieces don’t fit Break a bottle in anger and stare at the bits Beams of light on the stage casting diamonds so dreamy
Break a piece of a candle to hold in your mind Your whole face is a mask no one knows what’s behind But for now hold it down in the darkness we’re dreaming
There it stood open three feet between us A whole world that nobody knew. Close my eyes, maybe I could be dreaming Cause sometimes I feel so confused.
When we step on the stage then we step in the war My mind breaks I don’t know how to think anymore Crumple down to the ground where the red lights are beaming
Say you won’t hurt me, the palm of your hand If you wanted to I could believe. All those things that we promise To hold in the darkness where no one can see.
I don’t know what to do. I am so stressed out. I am trapped in a crevice with nowhere to go and I can’t endure the crevice any longer. I can’t talk about the crevice either because there is an upcoming trial in which I am a witness. I could write in my journal or talk to the nice shrink the government gave me but at the end of the day telling her my thoughts and feelings doesn’t change anything. I already know what I think and feel. I just don’t know what to do or how to endure. I don’t see any practical solutions. And I’m too anxious to pray cause when you are anxious and try to send out your thoughts they just spiral back down onto you. And to be real about it, it was my faith in God that got me into this trouble in the first place. So I don’t know what to do. If I stay in my current position, I will lose my mind. Imagine if every time you spoke the people around you started shrieking like chickens then swirled around in circles collapsing on the floor where they shook and screamed “Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to me?” over and over. And you don’t know what you’ve done. How long can a person live like that and not go insane? I feel like I’m trapped in the Queen of Heart’s court in Wonderland. And I can’t even talk about it. Except vaguely like this.
No matter what I do I am always bad. There is always very complicated reasoning as to why I have done something wrong. So you just start recessing more and more. But no matter how recessed you become it doesn’t matter. Now your whispers count as screams and one wrong word makes you a murderer. So you try harder. You try different things. But every step you take is just one more crime you’re guilty of.
Somehow I ended up at a Wikipedia page about psychological manipulation and it had a list of traits that the recipients of manipulation generally share. It was like reading an exact description of my personality.
Naïveté or immaturity
People who find it too hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious and ruthless or are “in denial” if they are being taken advantage of.[17]
Over-agreeableness
People who are too willing to give another the benefit of the doubt and see their side of things.[17]
Low self-esteem
People who struggle with self-doubting, lacking in confidence and assertiveness, and who are likely to go on the defensive too easily.[17]
Over-intellectualization
People who try too hard to understand and believe others have some understandable reason to be manipulative.[17]
Emotional dependency
People who have a submissive or dependent personality. The more emotionally dependent a person is, the more vulnerable they are to being exploited and manipulated.[17]
I’ve always had the hardest time accepting that someone could truly be lying or acting in a devious manner. I don’t know why. And if I am close to people I tend to believe anything they say without question. Even if I know for an absolute fact that it is untrue, something in me still believes. I’ve always struggled to have confidence in my own perceptions, instead I let other’s words override them. I will bend my mind into a pretzel trying to make sense of what people say, no matter how self-contradictory or flying in the face of reality their words may be, and I have always been emotionally & physically dependent on others to a humiliating degree.
So I guess this is a chance for me to learn how to trust in my own perceptions. Do I believe the person who says I am hurting them when I’m pretty sure I’m not or who says I am screaming when I’m pretty sure my voice is room temperature? Objectively I know what is true, I just don’t know how to have faith in my own mind. My faith automatically goes to believing what I am told. Unless you have this problem yourself, I fear it won’t make much sense.
Another big problem is my need to be good, which is used like a cattle prod to control me and force me into situations of increasing powerlessness. If you assert yourself, you are bad. You can get screamed at, but if you scream back you are bad. You must treat other people’s emotions like Golden Kings to be worshiped while ignoring your own or you are bad. You must swallow the words you are fed no matter how little sense they make or you are bad. You must accept that you are bad or you are bad. You must accept that other people weren’t hurting you, you were hurting them, or you are bad. You must believe what you are told or you are bad. Because if you don’t accept the words that are thrown at you you will see those around you crumple on the floor shrieking “LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!” Now you can see how bad you are with your own eyes.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to hold my mind together. When it gets bad I can hardly sing, clean or function at all. I can rarely think or plan. The thing that helps is complete detachment. But once again, this triggers my issues with being”bad” because it is bad not to care. You are supposed to care about other people.
And I WANT to care. It’s just that it becomes the rope that is used to strangle me.
* I just realized that titling this help sounds bad, like I am playing the victim. Anyway, don’t worry I will think of something.
** I was just walking and panicking cause my arms have started to shake probably due to nerves because I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel…. it feels like the road leads off a cliff. And having the shakes is making it harder to perform basic tasks causing me to panic even more. Anyway, just when I was about to break down I saw this on the corner of a sidewalk.
It felt like a sign, because I see teddy bears as being one form that angels take. It’s like no matter how alone you feel there are always more beings watching and ready to help you than you could ever realize.
They came on clouds to comfort me Lay down, they said I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now They said one day they’d ride with me We’ll fly so far- invisibility.
Pla,y play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards again or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
One man was fire, one man was rain What mad desire I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now Between the two, which one should I believe? I trusted fire the more- invisibility.
Play, play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
And so fire got down upon one knee To gift me pain I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now For I know that I was made to suffer and to bleed Hurt me more, invisibility.
Play, play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
They came on clouds to comfort me Lay down they said I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now They said one day they’d ride with me We’ll fly so far- invisibility.
Play play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
One man was fire, one man was rain What mad desire I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now Between the two, which one should I believe? I trusted fire the more- invisibility.
Play play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
And so fire came to get down on one knee And gift me pain I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now For I know that I was made to suffer and to bleed Hurt me more, invisibility.
Play play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
Basically this is the audio to the video I just uploaded because I’m too lazy to do another recording. Well not too lazy exactly. Can I just rant for one minute?
Imagine you are a straight male musician & you love writing songs. But every time you write a song you are required to get fucked up the ass, beat up by three muscle men & left on the side of the highway to walk home.
That is how I feel because every time I write a song- which I like- I then have to record it which I hate. I hate wires and machines and weird pieces of black plastic. I hate computer interfaces filled with random squiggles. I have no idea what anything means. And just the mechanical nature of sound itself. Why is this staticy? Why do I sound a million miles away? I don’t know!! It all feels….. beyond what humans are meant to know. It makes me want to cry.
But now I must stop complaining. And remember the words of my friends.
Thorney: Inch by inch, it becomes a cinch.
Moxy: To every problem, there is a practical solution.
Dad/Nietzche: That which does not kill you makes you stronger.
Dad/Schwarzennegger: No pain no gain.
Dad: Bend over and grab your ankles.
Cold tea, dance with me Give me something more to eat Hold my head & help me find the sun.
Red fire, warm & bright Stay with me for one more night Tomorrow we go pay for what we’ve done.
You are my red eye by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head & tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Words spin round and round Only sky where was the ground? Leave my house you dirty cunt I’m done.
Fist eye, hot head fly Falling down the stairs was I Hold my head & tell me I was fun.
You are my best friend by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head and tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Come to me love like a bone The only love I’ve ever known A spark of light then miles and miles of dark.
Burning hands and sparkly eyes And miles and miles away the skies To settle down around around us in the park.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Since I am currently having a Saturn transit I am torn between my desire to crawl under a rock and that voice which tells you you must always press forward so I’m just going to publish this then go hide.
Cold tea, dance with me Give me something more to eat Hold my head & help me find the sun.
Red fire, warm & bright Stay with me for one more night Tomorrow we go pay for what we’ve done.
You are my red eye by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head & tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Words spin round and round Only sky where was the ground? Leave my house you dirty cunt I’m done.
Fist eye, hot head fly Falling down the stairs was I Hold my head & tell me I was fun.
You are my best friend by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head and tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Come to me love like a bone The only love I’ve ever known A spark of light then miles and miles of dark.
Burning hands and sparkly eyes And miles and miles away the skies To settle down around around us in the park.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
There is one dangerous misconception regarding Saturn that must be corrected- that Saturn is a realistic planet.
Saturn is realistic in the sense that he is a hardworker who builds everything solid in our world. He understands the material plane and society’s structures. HOWEVER….
When left alone in his room, lying in bed and listening to music, no planet is more delusional. Because Saturn is meant to build castles on the earth, not castles in the sky. With Saturn’s energy locked in your head, you look at the future and see a graveyard. You look at yourself and see a loser. You are viewing life through a dark and distorted lens, not a realistic one.
Understanding Saturn’s delusional nature is the key to thriving during Saturn transits (or in general if he is heavily emphasized in your chart.) Once you realize something is a delusion it doesn’t have the same grip on you. And this is critical cause those who believe Saturn’s negative messaging can end up wallowing in self-absorbed misery and wasting this precious energy.
Because these same fumes that are toxic when they live in your head can be turned into diamonds by actually doing something in the real world. Your goal during Saturn transits is to turn something gaseous into something solid.
I will repeat for those of us who are female. The first and most important step during Saturn transits is to recognize that depressive perceptions are hallucinations. You are not the rotting skeleton you see in the mirror.
The second step is to get to work.
You need tangible goals during a Saturn transit. You need to become a more productive person in some area of your life. Just as you can feel a Saturn transit (depression) without ever looking at an astrology chart, so can you know exactly what you need to do without consulting an astrologer. Saturn is usually about doing the obvious. Taking steps towards achieving long term goals and resolving glaring life problems.
But if you are in a situation where there isn’t a clear course of action, then make one up. As long as you do some form of work, you will gain under Saturn.
Saturn on the moon for example, is frequently a time when people brood and get depressed. But why? Instead you should be working hard around your home and learning the skills to become a domestic goddess. Take a cooking class. Become a better cleaner. Beautify and fix things.
With Saturn impacting the Sun, don’t stay home because you aren’t in a party mood. Socialization, friends, self-expression, these are now things you need to work at. So exert yourself in this realm. Saturn’s work ethic can be applied to any arena of life bringing feelings of satisfaction and mastery which go way deeper than fun.
If you are a naturally depressive person who has trouble moving into action- or perhaps the transit is so grim you just need a booster- here are a few tips to consider.
Make it official. All work is important work in Saturn’s eyes. So take yourself seriously no matter what you are doing. You might consider taking an official course or getting a certificate related to your goals. And when you get that certificate, frame it and go out with friends for a celebratory dinner. Have them make a toast to you. Take your efforts seriously.
Be a joiner. Saturn is a man of this world and wants to contribute something. Saturn transits are not about you- they are about what you bring to the table. Don’t isolate. Especially if you struggle with motivation, join clubs and associations relevant to your goals and interests. And remember, no work is too trivial to take seriously. You could start a housekeeper’s association where ladies meet to share cleaning tips.
Friends in high places. Saturn loves upward mobility. So especially when Saturn is transiting Venus or the social houses, make a list of people you admire and befriend them. Or a list of people it would be useful to know. While Saturn tends to dry up woozy romantic feelings, relationships with those you consider superiors can flourish under his watch. If you are having trouble with your spouse at this time (a common side effect) try social climbing or becoming pretentious together. It’s a time to strive, not a time to cuddle. Give Saturn a constructive outlet and he can improve everything he touches.
Go gay. Saturn loves pomp & circumstance, so if you need a motivation boost try gaying it up. Bring your teacher a polished apple. Wear a beret to art class. Wear a chef’s outfit in the kitchen and pair wines with your meals, pronouncing them in French. Whatever you are doing, make it a little extra until it finally brings a smile to your face.
Fire. I don’t know if this will work for others, but my go-to Saturn tip is surrounding myself with fire and warm colors like red, orange & yellow until I gain enough zip to start moving in the right direction. Saturn can feel dim and heavy so an extra dose of zing can be just what the doctor ordered.
One last thing… during a Saturn transit sources of support and comfort you once enjoyed may disappear. However, this is temporary so don’t panic. It is just Saturn’s way of forcing growth in new directions. Whatever you lose will return, just as it did for Job.
But for now, detach and swizzle from any losses. Forget about the doors which are closed and focus on those which are open. Saturn transits only last a few months to a few years so you want to seize the opportunities you currently have. If you don’t, for 28 years the results will haunt you.
The key takeaway from astrology is really that time itself is alive and always changing, infusing your life with new possibilities. It is safe to focus on the now because the future will open up soon enough. Open doors will close and closed doors will open.
I’ve been wanting to write a post about Pluto in Aquarius for a while now, but have held back because I feel pressure to predict which dark & dismal events will occur since this is what astrologers are supposed to do. But my heart is being pulled in a different direction, possibly infected by Aquarius’s optimistic spirit already.
So I am going to give you 11 reasons why I am excited for Pluto to enter Aquarius this spring. We have really been buried alive by depressing Saturnine energy in recent years, which- combined with Neptune in Pisces- has created a insular culture where people spend their lives picking lint out of navels in the name of self-care then wondering why they are depressed and taking drugs to fix it.
But the age of drugs, nutrition & laziness is over. Aquarius brings a new player into the mix- your mind. We will focus less on what we are putting into the body and more on what our mind and spirit are putting out into the world. If someone is struggling we will consider their thoughts, beliefs, spirit & failure to circulate in the world as likely causes of the problem.
So anyway, here are 11 breaths of fresh air that Aquarius will bring to us. Start developing these qualities now & be ahead of the game this time.
Optimism. Once upon a time we understood how a person’s attitude influenced their overall well-being and those days are back. Depression is no longer a chemical imbalance y’all. It is now the consequence of negative thoughts and beliefs. And what is anxiety? The absence of faith. And both are products of a self-absorbed spirit.
Not only will we recognize the importance of our attitude, we will realize we have the power to transform it and then the sky becomes the limit.
Selflessness. An obsessive focus on the self will come to be considered the cause of many problems. We gain lightness from remembering we are part of a whole. When we care for others as we care for ourselves our hearts open and burdens drop from our shoulders. Joy fills our lives.
Faith. Faith in a higher power gives us wings. It elevates our spirits and once again burdens fall from us.
Mind over matter. The material world may not be as objective as it seems. Rather than our psychological health having a physical basis, perhaps our physical health has a psychological one. We will come to see that what happens in our minds exercises a tremendous influence over all aspects of our life.
Big Picture Thinking. In recent years our gaze kept shrinking inward. Only focus on the present moment! Only focus on the feeling of your breath against the back of your throat! We called this meditation & mindfulness.
But what if we did the opposite and expanded our awareness so that it included the future, all of time, all beings, everywhere, everything?! The goal of Aquarius is to see the largest panoramic view of which a human is capable. Why must we limit ourselves to the present? What if we stretch our mind 10,000 years into the future or view life from the perspective of all eternity? What if we soar above our present feelings and instead feel our oneness with everything that exists? How would this change our perspective and our choices?
Expanse brings exhilaration. The future brings brightness to the present.
Dreaming. As our minds open, we begin to dream. When we have faith in God and faith in the power of our minds we begin to believe in our dreams. When we feel our oneness with others we know that we share a dream and all work together towards it. And we have all of eternity for dreams to come true. With so much spiritual power, time, and friends on our side, our dreams will certainly become realities.
Get out of bed & leave the house. When we were focused on our feelings, home was the place we were safe. But now we are looking for God, striving for the future, seeking exhilaration. None of this can happen in a bathtub. The emotional comfort of curling into a ball will pale next to the feeling of openness and possibility we get from charging out into the world to face the unknown.
(In recent years, people probably would have tried to seek God in a bathtub. However, our concept of God is about to change. He is no longer that cozy feeling in your chest, but a humongous, awe inspiring presence, jaw dropping in scope. We find him through faith and opening to the world, not retreat.)
Fun & Laughter. While these are not goals that Aquarius seeks, they are by-products of the lightened spirit & open heart he brings.
Inspiration. In recent years, people became obsessed with facts, research, experts, education and science. All thoughts needed footnotes in order to count. But with Aquarius ideas can just pop into your head from the blue. We can think thoughts that no one has ever thought before.
Friends, friends & more friends. Friends will be everything. They are the wind beneath our winds. They bring joy to our heart. We will form brotherhoods & lesbian fellowships that span the globe, singing and holding hands. We will bounce out of the house eager to say hi to new and old acquaintances. In past years, friends were outside the self, and therefore a potential threat to our comfort. 99% of humans came to see themselves as introverts.
But from an Aquarian perspective these people are pieces of our spirit and share our same spiritual destiny. We are the original friends who have been together since time began and will be here when time has ended. Friends are part of us. Saying hi to them is saying hi to a little piece of ourselves. We are all one.
Birds, butterflies, balloons, airplanes, angels & everything that flies. Including the sky and God. All these things come more into play. Please forget that this is Pluto entering Aquarius and don’t worry about how scary he can be. Just imagine butterflies flying everywhere, as far as the eye can see in every direction. This is the future.
For some reason I have been having the hardest time expressing myself & now there are so many thoughts in my head I can’t get them all out
So please allow me to share fragments of my mind through pictures…
A ginger root which I planned to carry with me throughout January as part of the “30 Days to Ginger Your Swagger” challenge. The idea was to do dumb & risky things each day for thirty days & come out at the end of it an empowered lesbian warrior.
However, this didn’t happen because I started off the year sick, which gave me time to reflect and I decided that a series of random dumb actions would probably not lead to empowermint after all.
Me taking a package to the post office, as I do most days as part of my ebay swizzle. I look worried because I am. I was certain I would go through life as a housewife and never face the jungle myself.
I have taken to wearing a cross because a) protection & b) maybe if people think I’m religious they’ll treat me better. So far that does not seem to be the case. It’s almost like devils are attracted to crosses. But it still makes me feel safe.
That is my Megatron Powers coat btw. Megatron is the spiritual being formed when women unite to activate their lesbian powers. No sex required.
Putting butterflies & airplanes all over my house in preparation for Pluto’s entry into Aquarius this April. I should write a blog post about this, but once again there are too many thoughts to deal with.
At least in the beginning it should be a refreshing change since it will bring more air into our lives, making people more social, optimistic, active & future looking. Eventually though it will likely reach a critical mass causing people to become heartless and ungrounded, willing to sacrifice past & present for an idealized future that will never arrive.
Still I’m looking forward to it.
Four candles lit to the four winds- Boreas, Eurus, Notos & Zephyrus. I love these cuties.
Arm healing after I fell off a chair on Christmas & crashed onto the floor. Why did I fall? Because I was trying so hard to peer into the truth of something. It felt like the truth was above my head & I kept staring at it harder & harder until I lost my balance.
A miniature vase being sold on ebay. Selling my possessions on ebay can be pretty painful cause each one of them was part of a cherished dream. I remember the feelings of hope and excitement associated with each purchase.
Mostly they are part of the dream called “Stuffington’s Estate” which involved James & I living in the most stuffy & pompous house of all time, where we would sit in the library in our leather chairs each evening by a fire sipping creamed soups. Surrounded by dark paintings of scowling men. James and I loved antiquing together, cooking new dishes & collecting things. So Stuffington’s was the place where all this good would pool up. It was the life I was working towards. Now what am I working towards?
An endless sea of glass. Waiting to be sold like slaves.
Three glass leaves that grew up together. What happens now? They get sold to separate homes & never meet again?
Real life empowermints sent to me by lesbian friend MK Ultra (Man Killa Ultra.) My lesbian name is OJ, standing for Orange Julius.
True Hope Empowermints. Hope is an Aquarian thing. It can give you wings and lead to your fall as well.
Lesbian Extraordinaire. That’s me. But what does the future hold for this lesbian once her glass runs out?
My biggest problem in life is the inability to make decisions. This stems from confusion and a lack of clarity which stems from always doubting my own perceptions. This is largely the result of paying too much attention to what I am told versus the evidence of my own eyes.
It looks to me like he is wearing a red shirt. Because it is the color of a bright red apple. But he says his shirt is blue. I ask him why it looks the same color as a fire engine then. He says that’s because I’m a cannibal and cannibals think everything is red. I start to spin. How could I be a cannibal? How many of the people I’ve known have even died? Sure my grandmother, but many were at her funeral to watch her being lowered into the earth. Are you saying I snuck back to the cemetery dug her up and ate her? How would I manage to pull the coffin up all by myself? Do you know how much those things weigh? Also wouldn’t a cannibal need a meat processing plant? Where would I be hiding this? How would I even get the money to afford one?
And so on it goes for days until all my energy is gone. I’m pretty sure I’m not a cannibal but darn it is hard to prove. Next time I look at his shirt, I avoid seeing it as red exactly. Maybe it doesn’t have a color. Maybe colors exist in other dimensions that humans can’t understand. Cause seeing it as red means a war and I lose. It means being at odds with people I love. Seeing it as red means I am a cannibal. I eat people. So I just try not to see it clearly at all.
