Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own

A Star that Always Rises

Look around you now you see so many new horizons
Fallen far into a circle sky of blue.
With his body on you like a mountain falls and rises
And his mouth become the river rolling through.

But look again- there’s a star that always rises
Flying high over an ocean filled with blue.
And will you swear cause I heard them say
A day will come when he returns for you.

With the shadows falling how his hair curls like an injun
And the sweat is burning paths upon his face.
But you dread when this will end to leave you in suspension
Walking circles in a dark and foreign place.

But look again- there’s a star that always rises
Flying high over an ocean filled with blue.
And will you swear cause I heard them say
A day will come when he returns for you.

Please don’t hurt me.
Say you won’t hurt me.
Please don’t no matter what I do.

Will you say you won’t hurt me?
Never desert me?
Although I break you black and blue?

Could you climb up the hill?
Could you climb it at night?
To the air where it’s higher than stars?
That’s where you’ll find a world that’s ours.

But look again- there’s a star that always rises
Flying high over an ocean filled with blue.
And will you swear that you love me cause
A day will come when he returns for you.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Uncategorized

Fun

Whistling we walk downtown
And the clouds float high above the ground
You take my hand you stand so high above me.

A black snake round a silver knife
How the cups fill up way in the sky
They hold the future why you look into me?

But when I tell you I feel touched
Then you tell me that I talk too much
And I think that maybe you are using me.

Cause you tell me that I’m fun though I’m not the one
The pain comes from a heart so black and gray
Why do you play?

You whistle there beside the door
There was someone where I was before
And a world inside your eyes I wait and see.

I fill the cup I drink it down
And I swirl and swirl when you’re around
With your hands upon me now I am free.

But when I tell you I feel crushed
Then you tell me that I think too much
And I think that maybe you are using me.

Cause you tell me that I’m fun though I’m not the one
The pain comes from a heart so black and gray
Why do you play?

Try to breath but it dont help
For the first time now I doubt myself
I don’t know which of the things I should believe.

But when I tell you I feel clutched
Then you tell that I feel too much
And I think that maybe you were using me.

Cause you tell me that I’m fun though I’m not the one
The pain comes from a heart so black and gray
Why do you play?

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Writings

A Time To Be Blue

Summer is over. I feel so sad. It was beautiful, all the green and sun melting everything down. I gave myself those three months to live as an idiotic welfare queen while adjusting to single life. Summer is all about hearts and love. I wish it could last forever.

But now comes the fall. A time for brains and being serious. Its color will be blue. I’m afraid I won’t cut it in this crisp new world. Only 9 months until the women’s shelter stops paying for my home. I need good ideas to enter my brain, but they don’t.

I haven’t crisped yet. I’m trying but the sun is still hot and yellow, melting brains down and hearts feel like fire. The sky is so blue, the EBT cupcakes so delicious. Everything green and frothy. I want to roll in the grass like a pig.

The world is a green paradise but beneath it a dark soil of fear, pain and panic. I bat it down with stress gummies & cough syrup. I say “It is what it is” when disturbing thoughts enter. This locks them in a magical box. I can’t face life head on yet. I’m not safe.

And until I get smart I won’t be safe. I need to think clearly and formulate a plan. But life is a bowl of puzzles and I can’t solve one of them. The second I use my brain I start to cry. I feel like my initial goal of becoming a millionaire this fall is not going to happen.

So I’m choosing a smaller goal. To become a good communicator and learn how to clearly express my needs and desires. To express my will. Which is hard because I’m not always sure if I have one.

When you’re a wife, you don’t need a will. Being willess is almost an asset since it gives you increased flexibility like a body with no bones. But then fate dumps you on the streets and you are expected to have a will. A will as strong as any man’s. People don’t realize wills can’t pop up overnight like a forest.

The only time I am sure of my will is when I am hungry or in extreme pain. Cause I have the will to survive. But even then speaking up on behalf of myself feels like sticking my hand in a blender. I am terrified of displeasing the people around me. This isn’t the same as wanting people to like me. I’m willing to be hated to give the people what they want. Cause sometimes they want a bad guy. They would generally prefer to keep the good guy role for themselves.

Wanting to please & wanting to live up to social expectations are two different worlds. People are rarely in the mood to admire someone. More commonly they need someone to feel superior to. This is where I excel.

I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. Throwing myself under the bus to appease a hot spot in someone else’s psyche. If a friend needed to feel fast, I’d pretend to be slow. I’d lose contests on purpose so the other person could win. I’d perform horribly in plays so someone special in the audience could have the satisfaction of knowing I sucked. I don’t know why. Its just this feeling of terror that I can only be safe by giving people what they want.

I have my finger in the undercurrent of every dynamic. It makes me act strange because those undercurrents are intense. They are made up of things people don’t want to acknowledge. When you touch them they cause weird things to leap out of your mouth as though you are possessed. Like a touching a wire. But I need to release that underlying pressure to feel safe. If there is an undercurrent of anger I try to be the person it can be released upon. Then things feel safe again.

I don’t know how to stop doing this. So I’ll put that puzzle back in the bowl for now. And focus on the immediate task. To clearly express my needs and the desires to the extent that I am aware of them. Even when it seems certain to lead to pain and disaster. Perhaps as I express these bits of will, larger chunks of will will start drifting into my consciousness.

Every morning I’ll tell myself that as I speak up for myself, new doors open for me.

Two blue stones that I’ll keep in my pocket. I hope they teach me how to express myself.
Hillbilly diamonds found on a sidewalk. I hope they’ll make me rich.
Vines climb a barbed wire fence. I wish I could climb it too and reach those lights on the other side.

Mama I ain’t gonna lie. I gone done bad things.
Feeding bits of stick to ducks at night. Summer is so woozy. But you don’t see the bad part. I got here on a motorcycle. Somebody help me.


Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Purple, Magic & Sorcerers

Please Get To The Part

High as dust and I’m walking home
Try to breath but I’m never gonna get it right.
Cuz I know that when I get home then I’m all alone
To face another spooky night.

I know. People tell me everything come and go.
People tell me everything’s far then near no fear my dear
Was is will be but they don’t get it.

Please get to the part where you hurt me.
Please get to the part where you break me down and cry.

In the day you can act that way
Like its all okay and nothings gonna cut me.
Smile and drink like you never think
Like you never feel and nothings gonna drag you home.

Midnight crawling on the graves in the moonlight
Wait for him to tell you goodbye
You’d cry but you’re just too high
Then the open sky fall down upon you.

Please get to the part where you hurt me.
Please get to the part where you break me down and cry.

So many skies
What are those things that move whenever I open my eyes?
So many dreams
I need to find a world where I can be weak so I try to breath but I can’t find it.

Please get to the part where you hurt me.
Please get to the part where you take me down and cry.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs

Stars

Nighttime is the right time for a game
Make a move and then you wait if he feels the same
So you float like a ghost in his car
Ride up to the mountain top to watch a falling star

Close your eyes and feel the stream
A world that enters like a dream
His arm around you all you feel
His other hand upon the wheel

Then all the stars come rolling down the river
So far not bad.
Til all the pain will come rolling down his fingers
But maybe it will be okay if you don’t make him mad.

So you drink like a fish in his bar
Laughter shimmer all around you can feel the golden fire
When it floats like a song through your brain
Look into his eyes again if he feels the same

But all the stories that you know
The roads and places where they go
A hill at night that you cant climb
A tree that you cant hide behind

Then all the stars come rolling down the river
So far not bad.
Til all the pain will come rolling down his fingers
Maybe it will be okay if you don’t make him mad.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Plants and the Emerald Kingdom

Not Alone

Grass is green
A sunny day
Come outside alone let’s play!

Slip and slide
The riverside
Should we take a water ride now?

I love you sooo
Let’s fly away
Clouds blur into another day.

You don’t tell me you need me
You lay my shoes down on the floor.
I ask you why but I won’t get an answer
Still I’m not alone anymore.

Clouds fly
I chase them, why?
Come my friend let’s run so high!

You and I
Together we
Crawl across the grass so green oh!

You take my hand
We roll and sway
Clouds stretch into another day.

You don’t tell me you need me
You lay my shoes down on the floor.
I ask you why but I won’t get an answer
Still I’m not alone anymore.

Sun shines
The future climbs
High above us like a vine.

We two
Upon the grass
Covered by a space so vast oh!

Please take my hand
Let’s roll and sway
Down by the river waiting for the rain.

You don’t tell me you need me
You lay my shoes down on the floor.
I ask you why but I won’t get an answer
Still I’m not alone anymore.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Red, Soldiers, & Fire Uncategorized

The Voices

Do you hear all the voices?
They converge like a cloud
Clutch my head and I hide in a corner
They follow me follow me round.

They say life is a quick dream
Now it’s time to awake
Let your legs carry you to the river
And wash away every mistake.

You could fly!!!!

Watch my eyes in the mirror
How they float to the side
I can feel them behind me they stand
And they place all the thoughts in my mind.

They say life is an imprint
On a window so clear
First you have to release from your body
And then you’ll know everything’s real.

You could fly!!!!

Please, I just want to stay
There’s a man who I could love again
So I forced my hands thru the dirt
But what do you feel feel feel feel?

I feel hurt.

So you’ll come to the river
We’ll release all the pain
Like a shell sinking down to the bottom
Our hands falling on you like rain.

You could fly!!!!!

Please stop let me think twice
There could be fire, a new paradise
I dreamt red drops dripping like rain
But what do you feel feel feel feel?

I feel pain.

Chaos view.
Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own

I am Water

Push me back onto my feet
Where life can bring so many things I know
No where to belong.

Push me back onto the wall
I wont need you catch me when I fall
Water on my own.

What I feel is calm
What I feel is slow
Push me to the wall
Down onto the floor

Step inside the ring
Push me to the side
What I feel is you
What I do is hide.

Close your eyes or go to sleep
One million ways to never feel a thing
Do you want to take that ride?

Close your eyes then find a way
Another world is never far away
Just three cuts and then you fly.

What I feel is calm
What I feel is slow
Push me to the wall
Down onto the floor

Step inside the ring
Push me to the side
What I feel is you
What I do is hide.

Push me back onto my feet
Where life can bring so many things I go
Moving through the crowd.

Lost inside I’ll find a way
One million ways to never see the day
Turn your eyes onto the ground.
What I feel is calm
What I feel is slow
Push me to the wall
Feel the water flow

Step inside the ring
Push me to the side
What I feel is you
What I do is hide.

Pictures come just like a dream
Then fade I don’t know what I should believe
Were you really there at all?

Were you there when I was down?
Were you the one carried me to ground?
Water for a home.

What I feel is calm
What I feel is slow
Push me to the wall
Down onto the floor

Step inside the ring
Push me to the side
What I feel is you
What I do is hide.

Backing up for full chaos view. Being single really does feel like being bombarded by winds in a world with no gravity. Thats the worst part. People focus a lot on how they are treated in relationships but the thing is that regardless of how you are treated, loyalty to someone else is a gift you give yourself, since it centers, condenses & focuses your energy.

To be pulled in all directions simultaneously, with no one thing having greater or lesser claim on you is disorienting.

Maybe if I had more money then I could enjoy blowing in the wind b/c I wouldn’t fear being dashed upon rocks at any moment. I may have gotten my income up to $500 a month however, due to having a second gig each week.

Maybe the air is blowing me in the right direction and in the end it will all be okay. My plan for being single had been to paint little signs with flowers & bible verses and hang them everywhere. To make God my replacement husband & gravity center. But the reality is too chaotic for that.

And also, although God is superior to a husband in the sense of being all powerful, all knowing & perfect, he is inferior because you have to use your own brain to connect with him and my brain is too overwhelmed already. There is no space to associate with more beings of the sky.
Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

The Stream

Well you know… I watch the way that you flow.
Moving around in a circle to pull at your beard
with the moon in her light.

Then you sit. Pull out a new cigarette.
Fire in your hand then you stand and you say that the
time got away so good night.

Then you go. Why?
I want to crumple by your side.
Follow you down to the stream where you go
when you go to just be there alone.
Are we home?

Through a screen…. lost in your own world of green.
I want to know what you mean when you say that you can’t
find a way to pull through.

Turn your eyes. So you won’t look at one little lie?
Running away like the words that I say were the
problem and nothing’s on you.

Then you go. Why?
I want to crumple by your side.
Follow you down to the stream where you go
when you go just to be there alone.
Are we home?

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Uncategorized

The Original Lie

Waves of grey, waves of light.
Don’t fall now- you know you have to
Make it through just one more night.

But I …. know she comes again
I can smell the stinking smell of
Unwashed hair with sin.

Oh men, they need a place to lay the evil that’s inside.
But please girl don’t you be that place,
Just find a way to run and hide!

Oh please run fast, oh please run far
No never stop until you find the world
Where no one knows you, then you’ll cry.

But don’t be scared. Afraid to die.
That was just the original lie.

Waves of grey, waves of pain.
When they settle down what kind of world
Do you think will remain?

Cause I… know she comes again.
I can feel the rotting smell of lying to so many men.

And I. I run so far.
I will run until I find the world
Where no one ever knew me and then I

Won’t be afraid to die.
That was just the original lie.

Waves of stink- I feel her there
In a room by herself and
It’s too dark to think of anybody else

And so she comes. Comes again.
Sometimes you just bow your head and
Let the darkness win and then you run.

Run so far. I will run until
I find a world where no one ever knew me and then I
Won’t be afraid to die
That was just the original lie.

My new bed which came as a box of 5,000 bars. I wasn’t going to bother even trying especially since my wrist is messed up so I can’t turn screws but three people from the shelter showed up like angels & put it together. Megatron* sent me green sheets. So many people have been helpful that sometimes I cry from guilt because I know I’ll never repay them.

That is Glenn on the right, my oldest friend, & Snuffles on the left. Meat** said it looks like a prison bed, which may be just what I need since prisoners are hard & wily.

I feel so afraid. I have to go to court in 10 days for J’s trial & I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or what will happen. It’s horrible. All I wish is that there was something I could do to make things good.

The shelter ladies gave me a choice between a green and a gray basket of home goods & I chose green. It feels like green is the color guiding me forward.

* Megatron is the being formed by women acting collectively. I can’t believe how many women have helped me. It’s humbling. I really don’t think the negative stereotypes about females are true. It seems to me they are angelic beings.

** Meat is the name of a human friend. A lady.