Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Uncategorized Writings

No Home

I shouldn’t be sad. I’m having the “You have no place in this world to call home” transit and everything is happening as God intended but still….

There is no place in this world to call home.

The weird part is in the absence of any home how much my life has expanded.

I just got ‘home’ from performing on two different stages and walking around downtown by myself at night. Walking thru sketchy areas at night has become a slight addiction. Why do they say you’re not supposed to do that? So far I haven’t found out.

But I wonder if this growth is leading anywhere or if life will be a never ending series of random events and people. I should be patient since it’s only been a month and a half since I moved out and the first month was spent trying not to die of heartbreak.

It’s just that there is no one to tell anything to. Not that there really was before since James didn’t like me to talk. But even writing in journals to yourself feels different when you are part of a home and a family. I can’t really write in journals anymore because I’m too unsettled and at the same time have more happiness than ever before.

If happiness means a high and fluttery feeling.

But I also had happiness in my old life when I would cry in bed everyday. It was a different kind of happiness though, like the way you feel in a soft pink egg. Even in sadness there was a feeling of peace.

Our spirit is made of fire and air. It propels us outwards & forwards, towards people and the future. Our soul is made of water and earth, a soft gooey dough that absorbs all experiences. Happy or sad, all experiences become meaningful when they encounter the soul’s soft body.

In my old life my spirit was trapped. Now it’s free. Yet my soul is nowhere to be found. Friends are not family. You can’t cry around them and if you do it’s some big fucking deal where you have to apologize afterwards. You can’t share the minutia of life that is the soul’s food. You can’t gorge on donuts and sink into a coma. You have to be on and up. Fire & air.

And I’m grateful for the newness. But it’s hard to settle down. I dance all the time. Sometimes I run rather than walk. Without a soul, you have so much energy.

But this is my predestined time of wandering the earth like a spirit. I need to make the best of my “There is no place for you to call home” transit and have faith that life will eventually congeal.

I used my EBT card to buy Twinkies. They are good but more spirit than soul, unlike fresh baked pastries.
An egg pauses for his moment in the limelight.
He had his portrait painted too.

In astrology, the sun is your spirit and the moon is your soul. My moon lives in the house of marriage so getting unmarried was disruptive soul-wise. However, there is a little trick with this placement where it can also mean having an emotional relationship with The Public, a gooey blob of unknown minds.

So in the absence of a James, I started sharing minutia from my life on facebook. Which caused people to attack me for being an attention seeking whore. But I blocked them for being stupid. Because it isn’t attention the moon craves. It’s ooey gooey connection.

I had to take a picture of myself with a guitar for some gigs.
This picture sums up my previous life. There was a lot of crying but damn…. doesn’t that bed look firm and plump? I miss it.

It’s not so much circumstances that are bugging me out as the questions… is love real, is home real, is anything real? What is there in life that weighs more than paper? I thought I would have a family in eternity. I even thought my house would be with me in heaven. When I was painting its walls, I felt I was building something permanent.

Oops.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs

Clay where you were born

In my mind you walk beside me in the sun
Standing like a fire between myself and everyone.
Hold me in your arms I feel the yellow falling down.
You are my ground.

Brown. Orange. Packed. Worn.
Product of the clay where you were born.

Then one day you push me and I‘m falling back.
Rolling over, over down into the black.
Open up my eyes to find a world of liquid blue.
Where are you?
There’s no ground.

Spinning now. Spinning around.
Grasping for whatever seems to be the ground.
Unknown. Scorned.
Tossed away from clay you were born.

One day I will find my way to solid shore.
Fingers sinking into mud scared no more
Sinking into earth is where the body can renew.
My earth is you.

Strong. Sad. Sometimes crazy sometimes mad.
Fighting one day overcome and soar
Far away from clay where you were born.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Politics Uncategorized Writings

Time to Reconsider Virtues

As I’ve said before, I believe virtues are- quite literally- the stars in the sky. They are guiding lights. Each person has unique virtues which are a part of their soul and stay relevant throughout their life. Other virtues must be picked up or discarded as the situation requires. They guide us for a while, but then we must turn in a new direction.

Group minds always align with specific virtues and these virtues become synonymous with goodness itself. These virtues may be very effective in a certain time and place. But circumstances always change until the virtues people cling to- the ones which give them a sense of identity and goodness- become the source of their undoing.

These past years for me have really been about the need to embrace virtues I previously rejected. Now that our society is staring down the barrel of a gun, I wonder if many are having that same experience. So many of the qualities we have seen as wholesome- politeness, smiles, harmony, empathy, minding your own business, seeing the best in others- work really well in times of peace. But not so much when you have enemies who are trying to kill you.

Conservative women especially tend to embrace values which work well when everything is running smoothly, but are less effective in guerrilla warfare. Group values are always polarized against some other group- real or fictional- who is seen as their antithesis. For conservative women, this is feminists.

Feminists are angry, shrill and chaotic. They want to compete with men, destroy men, even BE men. When conservative women consider how much they AREN’T like feminists they get a small jolt of pleasure in their brain, just as we all do while admiring ourselves. “Why are they so angry? I think men are wonderful! I don’t want to compete with men. I love being a woman!” Conservative men will sometimes reinforce this by casting these (mostly mythical) feminists as women who are embroiled in bitterness due to not being sexy enough to attract a man.

But none of this has anything to do with feminists. It is just a masturbatory technique used by all group minds to reinforce their chosen virtues. The real message- if you get angry and hysterical, if you OBJECT to things- then you are ugly and will no longer be deserving of the group’s love and protection.

All these conservative values work well in times of peace and prosperity when it makes sense to discourage people from rocking the boat.
But they are no longer working. We have watched for years as the liberal forces erode everything conservatives were wanting to conserve and they just stand there helpless, dick in hand. They hope a great leader will come save them. They talk about how wrong it all is. But they can do nothing to stop it. Their cherished virtues are completely impotent against the situation. They just stand there on a sinking ship like lily white virgins.

In general, the values conservatives previously embraced were earthy ones- meant to maintain stability. The ones we need now are fiery. To throw a fit and stand up for ourselves. The time of Aries, God of War, is soon arriving and whichever people are first to adopt his pugnacious attitude are likely to come out on top.

We can see from the election of Trump that conservatives are open to the possibility that something fiery & obnoxious could be appropriate. But are they willing to pick up that torch themselves? Or are they only willing to let someone else do their dirty deeds for them while they stand watching, dicks in hand, lily white virgins?

I think it is doubly important that conservative women reconsider their virtues. Why? Because men are the heavy lifters of humanity and women are its leading edge. They perceive problems before men do and have the ability to nip them in the bud while men are still sleeping. Conservative women frequently pride themselves on following the lead of men. In times of crisis this is not a good idea. We pick up on things before they do. By the time men rise up things will have already gone too far, making the world a scary place for women.

I consider our shrill shrieking voices to be the alarm system of the human race. Sometimes an alarm is all you need to scare the bad guys away. And I believe the thing holding females back from this is an intense attachment to certain virtues and strong negative association with fiery ones. We want to be the lovable woman. Not the screeching harpy. If we screech it means we are ugly. No one can love us.

So here are just a few values for conservative women to consider embracing.

1. Anger & hatred. Scrunching up your face to scream at the top of your lungs. What is wrong with this? Doesn’t Jesus throw hissy fits throughout the Bible? Doesn’t God?

The aversion to anger is not based in spirituality, but reflects the fact that in times of peace, anger tends to be more destructive than useful. Hence it gets discouraged.

In times of war, however, anger & hatred are fiery rivers of power that energize you to express your love for your people. They embolden you to take actions that matter. A person incapable of anger & hatred cannot have any strong love. Nor can they get a boner. You won’t believe me now, but one day you will realize anger & hatred are the river of fire from which boners flow. Boners are anger turned into a generative force. Without them, love is flaccid.

2. Drama. Why do people hate drama? In astrology, drama is ruled by the sun which is the energy source of our entire world. How many popular movements changed the world without drama? Zero.

Once again, our aversion to putting three extra scoops of drama on everything just reflects the needs of a society at peace. Don’t rock the boat or stir the waves. But when you have a ginormous enemy coming to kill you, well then you do want to stir the waves & raise the energy of the opposition to the highest level possible. And that is what drama is- heightened energy. Adding more energy, color, visibility, and emotion. Conservative women need to wipe the pale gray oatmeal from their face and give drama a whirl. Put some ginger back in their swagger.

3. Pettiness. Especially when it comes to women, the value of pettiness cannot be overstated. One of our main contributions to the human race is that we see problems before men do- while they are still small & able to be changed. A lack of pettiness makes you overlook problems and suppress natural responses until situations become serious. Once things are really bad then you can react without being a petty person. But by that point it is frequently too late to change anything.

Still we are encouraged to not be over reactive but instead to let small things slide off our backs. Yet again, a trait that is socially valuable in maintaining peace.

But when someone is trying to kill you, largess is not your friend. You need to notice the tiny infringements on your boundaries and be more reactive. Why not punch a bully the first time he crosses you rather than wait until he kills three of you friends? In war, you may only get one chance to see a problem and respond. Then it’s over.

***

So put anger, hatred, drama, & pettiness together & what do you get? Sounds a lot like liberals, right? And look who is winning- they are.

“Good things don’t come to those who wait. They come to those who agitate.” – Julian Bond

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Videos

Second in the Line (Video) (& my desire to drown in brown)

Recently I have been obsessed with the color brown… in the past few years, my life has been so immaterial… always using the internet & social media to escape physical reality… now I am hoping my life can become all about the physical world and I can crack it open like a big fat nut.

I just want to go to restaurants and buy clothes covered in little flowers and meet people with physical bodies that don’t smell bad. I want to have a big red car and drive around to see the mountains and coal factories without worrying about the price of gas. I want to drive all the way to the ocean and buy a house right next to it. I want my houses to be glossy & historical, like lacquered chestnuts. I want to spend my time wondering if I detect notes of blueberries in a bottle of wine. I want to eat sushi. I want to pay people to massage me with their elbows. I want to stop at gas stations and grab red bulls for the road, checking to see if they sell pink t-shirts as well. I want to collect Fiestaware from the past, when they made it in earth tones and pastel colors. I want to deck my dogs out in expensive plaid collars & take them to the salon to get their hair puffed up like a couple of politicians. I want to buy them takeout from expensive restaurants. Eat lobster rolls with them every Sunday. I want arch supports for all my shoes. Pictures hanging in frames from my walls. To buy expensive jewelry and keep it in a pink safe. To panic if the scent of my body lotion does not match my shampoo. I want to be a lady who lunches & worry about whatever they worry about. AHHHH… this is a great dream! Being buried alive in the material world… I want this so bad!!!



****
Oh- this has nothing to do with the song though… just my thoughts of the moment. Here are the lyrics….

To adore me you must
Go before me
Build a path for me.

Laying stones down you
Must prepare the ground
Build a home for me.

Remember when you fall so far
Remember I was there for you to give you something more

Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend.
We are family.

Looking your eyes
All the lies
Beautiful to me.

You say you won’t hurt me no more
Well what else are friends for?
Someone to believe.

Remember when you fall so hard
Remember I was there for you, always safe and warm.

Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend.
We are family.

Closing my eyes, I
See it all unfurl
I know how it ends.

Dark things fly towards me
Still you walk before me
Vanish round the bend.

And all the stars that beg for you
To sparkle in your time.
Remember I was there for you
Second in the line.

Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin, you were never just a friend.
We are family.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

The Yellow Shelter

I haven’t been able to post anything in here for a while due to being in a state of confusion & constantly switching identities. I’m not sure why this happens. If I were to trace it back to something I think it probably began with accidentally making a bunch of people mad on social media. I hate making people mad since I am the world’s biggest wuss. On the other hand, the more I try to please people, the more I accidentally end up saying exactly what they don’t want to hear.  Just like the harder I try to make sure I don’t say anything sexual, the more some kind of phallic imagery will slip its way into my mouth. The only way to avoid trouble is not to speak at all, but that causes my sense of self to rapidly deteriorate until I have no idea who I am.

Anyway… I wrote this song a couple weeks back when I was hoping yellow could be the answer to all my troubles. 🙁 It wasn’t. Since then I have hoped white could be the answer and then I tried moving everything to the left side of my house. And then I hoped red could be the answer. None of these things worked, but still I learned a little bit from each of them. 

There was a fire born inside. It left me with no place to hide;
I took my shelter out in the rain.
He looked me up, he looked me down, but could he keep me safe and sound?
Like a needle against the pain?

Ten years, like a fool, waiting for you-
The yellow man who never came.
And the road stretched on- it was hard and it was long
Water running through my veins.

He was counting on his hands, such a practical man;
It made me wish that I could have my chance.
But all I got was the rain, it beat me harder than a cane
Till my blood knew the shape of romance.

Ten years, like a fool, waiting for you-
The yellow man who never came.
And the rain stretched on- it was hard and it was strong
Water running through my brain.

Yellow save me cause I, I don’t want to be free
Won’t you take me to your thick warm shelter, come now
To the source of the sound, you will recognize me
Lead me on into your thick warm shelter come now come now come now

And the rain how it poured; it split me open like a gourd
And it came on my face till I bled.
Still when I look in your eyes and see a shelter warm and dry
I want to climb right into your head.

Ten years, like a fool, I was waiting for you-
The yellow man who never came.
And the road stretched on- it was hard, it was long
Water running through my veins.

Yellow save me, cause I don’t want to be free
Won’t you take me to your thick, warm shelter? Come now
To the source of the sound, you will recognize me.
Lead me on into your thick, warm shelter. Come now, come now, come now.

Download MP3: The Yellow Shelter

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Uncategorized Videos

Golden Hay (Video)

This is my official West Virginia song.

“Take Me Home Country Roads,” though somewhat accurate (the dark & dusky part), also leaves people with the mistaken impression that this is a home sweet home goody goody golden biscuit sort of place, which- except for the biscuit part- it isn’t. It is the least goody goody square place I have ever seen.

West Virginia is a weird combination of things that are too earthy to be human, and things that are too spiritual to be human with not much to flesh out the middle parts. Being neither earthy, nor particularly spiritual myself, I don’t relate to many elements of life here. Still, I recognize it as a nurturing environment- like a womb- where a person can focus on growing into themselves, rather than running around chasing after shiny things.

Plus, I like its purple & gray mists. It is one of those rare places where, in the battle between nature and man, nature is winning. Living here forces you to seek a life beyond human games and human prizes. It is a true land of opportunity where you can grow in any direction you wish and there is not much to stop you. Unless, of course, you need an organized grid of human structures and expectations to help you function. Then you are screwed. This is a world where you have to bring your own yellow.

Can you see how this place is nice but also different from an office space?

Life
may not be real
Pikey what a thing to say
you know that you weren’t raised that way

And yet
sometimes I fear
God has left me so alone
a million miles from any home

To walk a road that has no end
The golden hay lies beyond the bend.

But why would we break?
Why would we cry?
In the end it’s only pain
we’ve known it in so many ways

I know
she felt it too
Remember her, that little bird
so soft we never heard a word

A hint of pink behind the door
and in the end a pile of feathers on the floor

Pikey, you know it won’t be long
Take my hand, I can feel their eyes
descending from the bluest skies

My gun
My iron bar
Life remember I was your friend
I knew that you had no end

Your fields were filled with golden hay
Three clouds they fly above then slowly drift away.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Uncategorized Writings

Fiery Chunks

For a while things were going poorly in my domestic life. A dark and moody spirit filled the house. Then I remembered how the problems began when I removed all bright colors from my home to replace them with shades of black and purple. I can’t remember why I did this, exactly. I think I was trying to open a portal to the world where spirits live in the hopes of gaining magical powers.  At any rate, at a certain point magical powers seem less appealing than the ability to live a normal happy life. So I removed these dark colors, replaced them with yellow & other shades of cheer, and life seemed to pick up again.*

I am beginning to think the secret to surviving in West Virginia may be decorating in a colorful, chunky style, with plenty of homemade crafts and colors from warm end of the spectrum. Earthiness combined with fire.

My natural tendency, of course, would be to surround myself with all things delicate & dainty. But I don’t think lavender lace has the muscle to push through this heavy mountainous energy. And ultimately decoration is about survival, not self-expression.

Every environment presents us with challenges to our spirit. Sunny ones melt our brains, while cold ones freeze our hearts. Deserts dry out our emotions while moisture bogs us down. Plains fill us with desolation and rounded mountains with inertia. Here in West Virginia, a moist and mountainous environment, heaviness and inertia are the demons we wrestle with.

This mostly challenges men** since this squishy thickness makes it hard to be brisk and productive. It is a great place to be a woman, however, because so many of the spiritual and emotional diseases that plague other parts of America don’t exist here.

Mountain mamas don’t get ribs removed to fit into the latest fashion. They don’t see themselves as objects or obsess over the “male gaze.”  People here rarely seek meaning through career success, but rather through connections to God, family and nature.

But for men, this West Virginia environment is challenging. It is hard to get that dry, crispy feeling which allows people to think objectively. Hence why we are plagued by functionality problems- poverty, divorce, drugs, decay and disorganization. There isn’t enough yang energy for men to get their bearings.

So, what is the solution to all this? Decorating in a chunky colorful fashion, of course. This will obliterate all environmental challenges and turn West Virginia into a heaven on Earth. I hope. Stay tuned & I will let you know how it works.

* These statements seemed true at the time I made them (yesterday).

** For people who enjoy qualifications, when I refer to men, I am also referring to the masculine side in us all.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Uncategorized

Man of the Earth

Do you ever feel like everything you say is completely wrong? I do. Not that there is something particularly wrong about it, but just that the whole realm of my thought & feeling is off.

I am hoping I can take some time away from both reading and human civilization for a while, living a life of manual labor, so I can clear my head and try to realign it with something more real. It is hard for me to do manual labor, though, because I have been brainwashed to feel that it is a waste of time. If I spend too much time on it, I feel guilty. That is just social pressure, though. My personal feelings are that manual labor is where its at.

Like, I would think, for example, that being a housekeeper would be much richer than working in an office. All the smells, textures, colors… creating  a world that is your own and getting to change it at will! How much more intelligent would you be if your didn’t spend your days eating other people’s ideas and vomiting them back up? Ideas that pass from human to human quickly become toxic. Our real ideas come from nature. And in manual labor, it is nature we are interacting with.

You can’t clean a cast iron pot without taking some of the knowledge of iron into yourself. You can’t bake a loaf of cornbread without absorbing a touch of corn’s power- the ability to be evil when evil is called for.* Cotton, wood, metal, plant, clay and fruit… all of it loaded with wisdom and new worlds… all of this loaded into our minds through contact with our hands, making us feel renewed. Inspired.

And yet, the social pressures I feel are always to do something dumb- such as read the “classics” of literature. Some of which are okay- mostly the ones written for children, I think, and the ones written by those who aren’t writers. But most are just belabored retchings of unoriginal ideas, filled with human waste, created only to impress.**

But I guess I don’t need to pit books & manual labor against each other. There is no reason you can’t do both, if you are the pretentious sort. But still, my ideal will always be the illiterate savage, the man of the earth. This isn’t a rebellion against intelligence, as some like to say, just a different idea of where intelligence comes from.

One scholar and one man of the earth take a walk in the park.

*To learn more about my feelings for corn, see herehere .

**I don’t mean to seem completely anti-scholar. I do think scholars have their place and am 20% scholar myself.

 

 

 

 

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love

Goodbye Air, Hello Earth

Moving into a new home last year was an adjustment for me. For starters, all new places feel unbearably cootie filled to me, especially if they have been previously inhabited, and since this house is 111 years old, it is has been inhabited many times. (Including JFK, at least for  a day. And considering that he was a sex addict said to have sex multiple times a day, I like to think he may have done so in our house as well. Probably the guest bathroom, as was his custom when visiting a new place.)

Also, as much as I admire the down to earthiness of West Virginia culture, it can make me feel claustrophobic at times. Truthfully, the culture of every place I have lived eventually makes me feel the need to escape. The sun shiny cultures make you stupid, the icy ones freeze your heart, the airiness of the West Coast leads you to make bad choices, the human density of cities makes your head go up your ass, etc. I can’t help wanting to be the opposite of the world around me, no matter what that world is like. Otherwise it can feel hard to breathe. Although I like like people a lot as individuals, I have a hard time dealing with them once they have turned into giant globs sharing the same thoughts and perspectives.

At any rate, the point is that when I first moved here the home and world around me felt foreign and oppressive, so I compensated by making my home a symbol of airiness and flight. Painting the walls sky blue and covering them with airplanes and butterflies, clouds, stars, and lightening bolts.

But now it has gotten to be too much and my whole world feels as though it is empty and blowing around in the air. It is time to redecorate my home to make it feel like the heaviest, stuffiest place in the world. Every symbol of air must be replaced with a pumpkin or a bear. Everything white must be painted brown. Everything high must be placed on the ground.

Of course, last time I made my home as earthy as I could  it made me feel stuck, depressed and flat, as though I was being pressed beneath a heavy book. However, it turns out that was also the time Saturn was passing over my horizon, which makes everyone feel as though their life is a dry and burdensome drudge. Maybe this time the impact of earth will be quite excellent. I will let you know. 🙂

I painted this bookcase with some leftover ocher paint to be earthier. I think ocher and brown are the essence of earth. As are dogs. If you look carefully, you can also see some of my favorite collectibles in this photo, such as blenko water bottles and fiesta ware. The books in the bookcase are ones I would be embarrassed to be associated with (and the ones I read the most) which is why they must be kept upstairs. I would like eventually to have a case of books downstairs which have been purely selected for their pomposity.

Categories
Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs Purple, Magic & Sorcerers Red, Soldiers, & Fire

The Brown Library

 

He thought there must be some lines in the earth he could follow,
Hidden by snow, but he’d possibly find them in spring.
A grid made of brown that would lead to the crown of tomorrow…

Hail to the rose!
Hail to the sky!
Teach me to live;
Teach me to die.

In the snow it was cold but some hope filled his body;
Golden liquid that quickened the fire in his brain.
He had a theory the earth was surrounded by knowledge;
A shimmering library accessed by unbearable pain.

When I close my eyes- Ah!
Like a flame through my fingers it burns, like a fire through my heart.
When I close my eyes- No!
It eludes me a pain in my shoulders, a dimming echo.

Hail to the rose!
Hail to the sky!
Teach me to live,
Teach me to die.

His blue eyes scanned the skies though he knew they were empty;
Only fools look for schools where the airy birds fly.
Something told him the brown of the ground held the answers;
His desire for the fire left him willing to die.

Won’t you take me inside of your library
Prepared to hurt, lay my screams in your dirt?
Won’t you take me inside of your library
Prepared to bleed for the answers I need?

Hail to the rose!
Hail to the sky!
Teach me to live,
Teach me to die.

 

Download MP3: The Brown Library