The timing of most holidays makes perfect sense astrologically, except for Valentine’s Day. Why does the holiday of romantic love fall under the dry and mental sign of Aquarius? Aquarius is the opposite of candlelit dinners and gazing into eyes.
Aquarius is the love you feel for humanity while gazing at them from an airplane, causing each human to look like an indistinguishable dot. While Scorpio, the most romantic sign, lives to blow up buses of children to save their loved one, Aquarius will sacrifice their loved one to save the children. They love their girlfriend, of course, but they also love the children, the mailman, the hungry people living in China. Their love diffuses equally across all humans.*
Plus, Aquarius and its governing planet- Uranus- rule divorce and break-ups. Celebrating romantic love while they control the sky is not the safest thing to do.** So I would like to recommend a few safe, healthy and appropriate ideas for celebrating Valentine’s Day instead.
In school, we celebrated this day by exchanging valentines with everyone in the class. We were required to give a valentine to everyone- no one excluded. A perfect expression of the Aquarian spirit. Aquarius rules friendship, brotherly love, platonic love diffused across groups.
So rather than spending 50 dollars on your romantic partner, use that money to send valentines to 50 different people. Quantity and not quality is what matters to Aquarius.
Electronic valentines would be great as well, since Aquarius rules all electronics. Sure, it is dry and unromantic, but so is Aquarius.
Aquarius rules all that is weird and new fangled. Why not buy strange little gadgety gifts for all your friends? Ideally new inventions that have just come on the market. And if you MUST get your spouse a gift, make it a technological one and leave the roses for a safer time of year.
Since Aquarius spreads its love as thin and wide as possible, scrap dinner for two and get together with all your friends instead. If you belong to a club, this would be a great day for a club meeting or social event.
Get a divorce. Dump your romantic partner. Breaking things off is what heartless Aquarius does best. If you are gonna do roses and candlelight, make sure it is for the purpose of telling someone goodbye.
Or simply use this day to cut unwanted friends out of your life. Send them a valentine to let them know you aren’t friends anymore.
Have an affair. This is one expression of romance that Aquarius can get behind. Aquarian affairs generally involve significant age gaps. Alternately, have an affair with someone who is very weird, bizarre looking, or completely different from you in a fundamental way.
Aquarian affairs are not about emotional depth or even sex, but just the stimulation and sense of aliveness that comes from connecting with a person who can break up the crusty patterns in your brain.
Get a mohawk. If you are being pelted by chaotic influences in your life (a sure sign that Uranus is in the house), doing something bizarre with your appearance can act as a lightening rod to safely absorb and express some of this energy.
So, if you are spending this day by yourself, consider dyeing your hair a strange color, getting piercings or tattoos, shopping for strange clothes and makeup or having futuristic nails applied.
Electrocute yourself. Or try any new fangled, futuristic form of self-care such as a leech facial, crystal healing, ear candling etc. Anything that is new and strange will do the trick.
If you are hellbent on taking your love out on a date, play it safe by doing things which are unusual or Aquarian. Ride motorcycles, wear neon clothes, eat mystery meats, play laser tag. Or go to a shooting range. Aquarius rules everything electronic, all forms of transportation and all weaponry.
Or you could simply take a taxi to have dinner at an airport. Afterwards play video games.
While I would never encourage people to have sex on Valentine’s Day, I can’t stop them either. But to keep it safe, make sure to include weird toys and gadgets as part of your sexual activity. Or- if you are heterosexual- include a third party which will compel one of you be gay for the day.
Gay sex and weird sex is the only sex Aquarius approves of.
If you have been needing to come out of the close sexually, this would be a good day to do it. If there is anything odd about yourself which you have been hiding from the world, use this day to reveal it. Aquarius rewards the weird and those who are true to themselves.
Lastly if-like me- you are lazy, just spend the day playing video games, especially new ones. This is always a safe way to discharge Aquarian energy.
Or if-like me- you hate video games, use this day to consult an astrologer, since astrologers fall under Aquarian rule.
Or if- like me- you are an astrologer- use this day to give free readings to as many faceless members of humanity as possible. A perfect way to express you dry and expansive love for the ants that surround you.
* Not everything I am saying about the constellation Aquarius will be reflective of those who were born with the sun in Aquarius. What we call our “sign” is only the sun’s position at our time of birth. Which represents only a fraction of our astrological make up.
** When I refer to safety, here is what I mean… astrological forces will find a way to express themselves one way or another. So when we offer them a healthy (or neutral) expression, it acts like a lightening rod, absorbing energy which could otherwise cause disruption. Keep in mind though, that in some cases disruptive Uranical events are both fated and invaluable.
From an astrology perspective, there is only one reason people are depressed- Saturn. Saturn rules time and karma- the consequences we eventually harvest from our actions. He is the reason for the saying “the wheels of the Gods turn slowly,” because with Saturn there is always a delay between our actions and their inevitable reward or punishment.
Saturn rules everything that is old and cold, grim and dim. He rules bones and stones. When he casts his shadow over any part of our life, things get serious. Life comes to collect its debts. Or- occasionally- life may reward us for good work that previously went unrecognized. Either way, we reap what we sow.
Saturn guides us to let go of the trivial while redoubling our efforts towards work that will stand the test of time. He loves endurance, thrift and humility.
Saturn rules Saturdays and also the cold dark months of January and February. So if you would like some ideas for honoring this Saturnine time of year and turning it into a two month long party- here you go!
Stop spending money on fancy foods to tickle your palate. Saturn does not approve. Focus on simplicity and thrift. Saturnine meals include:
Stale whole wheat bread topped with crunchy peanut butter.
Beans and rice. Buy the dried beans which are cheaper. Personally, I prefer brown rice with black beans, since these are Saturn’s colors.
A potato topped with humble crumbles of meat. Potatoes are the angels of Saturn. Even if you don’t eat them, keep them around for friendship and inspiration.
Accompany your meals with cheap black coffee.
Dress in rags or work clothes. If you must dress up for work, dress somberly, like you are going to a funeral.
Wear men’s perfume. I always find this weighs down my spirit. Of course, if you are a man, Saturn would not approve of you wearing perfume at all. Put that money in the bank!
If you must listen to music, choose boring wordless music, such as classical. Or the somber sounds of celibate monks singing in Latin.
Wear brown nail polish or no polish at all. Bonus points for eschewing makeup altogether. (If you are a man, Saturn hopes this does not even need to come up!)
Spend more time around old people. Be helpful to them if you can. If they are lonely, be a friend.
If you pass a beggar, give them money. Beggars are sacred to Saturn. The point is not so much to help them, but to remind yourself that you could also fall upon hard times one day.
Do you feel depressed? No? I believe we all have a depressed person living somewhere inside, we just need to find them. Try starting your day with a frown, eyes cast downward. Connect with that heavy part of yourself.
Watch movies about old people who die or better yet watch no movies at all. Take walks through a graveyard, a sacred place for Saturn. If you like, treat yourself to a plot, both for yourself and loved ones!
Stop doing things for fun. Stop seeking happiness. Saturn does not approve. Rechannel this energy into hard work.
Buy a wall calendar once they are 50% off. At the end of each day, mark a big black X through it to remind yourself this is time you will never get back.
Spend as little money as possible. Saturn loves a penny pincher.
When you pass a person on the street, either frown or cast your sad eyes downward.
Wear a watch and glance at it frequently to remind yourself and others that time is wasting.
Make daily to do lists and complete them.
Saturn rules foresight. Take the time to imagine where your current choices are leading you. Make a 1 year, 10 year, 25+ year plan.
Find a humble looking stone lying by the side of a country road.These are called “Country Stones” and are sacred to Saturn. Carry one in your pocket.
Stop reading and use that time to work instead. Or read books that were written 100+ years ago. Or take the time to study a heavy and dry subject, such as math, geology, mineralogy etc. But please, nothing fun or trendy. And no pseudo-intellectual gems from the New York Times bestsellers list. Saturn is not impressed by fame nor by displays of intellectualism lacking true content.
Celibacy is sacred to Saturn so get as close to this ideal as possible. And for the love of God, do not pleasure yourself. Saturn has a special place in hell for masturbators.
Saturn rules the country way of life, so all country activities are approved of- cooking, sewing, raising animals, carpentry, churning butter, etc.
Stay off social media. You don’t need the stimulation or the attention. Saturn is about toiling in the shadows while others dance in the sun.
Saturn rules career ambition, so take this time to work harder and get ahead in your career.
The essence of Saturn is investing in those things which endure. Drop all relationships which will not stand the test of time, and reinvest in those which will.
Make a will.
Visit the dentist. Saturn rules teeth and nothing captures the Saturnine feeling better than visiting doctors. So visit a whole bunch of doctors if you like!
Basically just don’t do anything fun, spend as little money as possible, and work as hard as you can! When you feel like you are dying and you can’t go on, just remind yourself this is Saturn making you stronger.
Just making this list is starting to depress me… I always get so excited about boring, soul crushing Saturnine energy, but the reality is that a complete absence of levity and fun can make it hard to move at all.
Still, if you want to try being Saturnine, go for it! They say it is good for the bones!
When I don’t listen you hold a pillow over my face til I do.
That’s why I don’t think you will ever love me now- you’ll find somebody new.
And I swear I wouldn’t care so long as you felt it was wrong
to just grab me by the neck and throw me up against a wall
but when i ask you bout it you tell me that you don’t want to pop
but the crying noise just has to stop.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see a world that’s black with men as white as stars.
Just like a globe that I could shake and shake each time that things have gone too far.
Something I could hold just like a globe inside my hands
So I shake it and I shake it- oh look here comes a man
But he is trapped inside the globe- he’s only one inch high
There is no place to run and hide.
Give it just a little more time. This may only be in your mind.
There’s no way to say what is real and what is make believe you know.
Look at all the stars in the sky, girl. You could find a way to get high, girl.
You could fly away into a state of ecstasy and glee you know.
I know I will stay.
Life- lay your hand on me and guide me on my way.
I stay up late at night and make a list of ways to make you love me more.
I know it won’t succeed cause men they only love the ones they’re fighting for.
And I’d do anything on earth if you would fall in love with me
But there are things I can’t control, I don’t know what you want to see.
The only thing I know for sure is that you like to be alone
But either way, you are my home.