Sausage Time

This is just a symbolic representation of the problem & not an actual drawing of it.

Well, this is something I have wanted to write about for a while, but it is hard for me to put into words. Also, I question the wisdom of exposing weaknesses in a world where enemies are squirrels and friends are unicorns. Nonetheless, sharing is part of my life’s purpose (I think), and if you don’t fulfill your purpose you will be thrown back into the fire at death. So here we go.

Basically, there is something wrong with my head. I will try to describe the problem through 2 ideas which are probably interrelated.

  1. Sausage Time

    My husband calls this going fugue. I have tried to explain it before. Basically, all the sudden something will switch and it becomes hard to remember and relate to whatever I had been doing in the moments and days prior. It is like one sausage has been pinched off and a new one begun. The beginning of a new sausage coincides with new perspectives, ideas & approaches to life.

    But it isn’t changing ideas that are problematic. The problem lies in the sense of disconnection from who I was previously, as though my memory and identity- rather than running seamlessly like a river- have been pinched like a sausage. Like how you feel when you are waking up from a dream… even if you remember parts of your dream, there is still a feeling of discontinuity, as though you have moved through a veil. The dream self shared the same name and soul but not the same mind or stream of consciousness as your waking self.

2. No Skullcap

I am the normalest person you could ever hope to meet from my toes up to my ears. But from my ears to about six feet above my head, something isn’t right. It feels like my skullcap is missing and where my own head should be there are a million overlapping heads instead. They all belong to different people and sometimes to things that aren’t people.

Which sounds like schizophrenia, but probably isn’t since I don’t experience psychotic breaks from reality. I do experience the air as being filled with the thoughts, feelings and consciousness waves of other beings, but this is a stable part of my reality which never stops me from flossing my teeth. It co-exists with shared social realities but does not override them. And in these days of wireless technology, the idea of air being filled with information shouldn’t be a stretch.

Nonetheless, it feels like some kind of barrier is missing at the top of my head and I am constantly being pelted with endless chaotic inputs. It helps slightly if I wear a hat, sunglasses and ear plugs. But, in general, I try to deal with it by staying busy so my consciousness has a specific thing to focus on. According to my astrology chart, though, my life’s purpose lies in exploring these invisible realms and NOT trying to escape them through work. But that is easier said than done, since if I don’t try to actively avoid that part of myself it feels like flying in a tornado (from my ears up), and I feel despair- knowing that whatever this stuff is is so infinite & complex that ever getting a handle on it must be impossible.

Still, the chaos and overflow of information isn’t the problem. The real problem is the absence of a center point I can identify as myself.

To make matters worse, when I DO occasionally look at it, before long I tend to get sucked into one particular consciousness wave and then BAM! a whole new sausage has begun.



** PS. If you have read my other blog entries, you may have read about ESP journaling which involves looking at the energetic things which are coming from other people. I will also sometimes journal the pieces of this chaos which are emanating from myself (which is easier to do.) But even after removing these 2 factors, tons of STUFF remains which I have absolutely no way to make sense of. I think it comes from realms beyond the human but that is so far outside my scope of knowledge that I have zero idea how approach it. Hence why I prefer to stay busy and never go near the top part of my head.

The Lights

‘Oh! I wish you were dead.
Then I could get some sleep, just please put a bullet in your head.
Oh! You better not speak again.’
Slide to the floor, let it hold me once more, my thick and heavy friend.

Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights!
I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down
Because they’ve come to set things right.
Here come the Lights!

Oh! It’s like a parade-
Everyone dancing around in the sun while I’m searching for the shade
Or someone who can help me understand the things I’ve seen;
But the dark world engulfs me, he’ll never let go because I am his queen.

Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights!
I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down
Because they’ve come to set things right.
Here come the Lights!

Oh! So this is the night?
And these are the friends who slide under the door in the guise of liquid light?
Oh! This is the Column of Heat!
You have arrived, now I will shut my eyes because I know it’s safe to sleep.

Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights!
I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down
Because they’ve come to set things right.
Here come the Lights!

Made Love to My Father (video)

bandage on my eye
sun shines on the barrell of my gun
& the blood on my hands is dry

today i turn thirteen
i’m pretty strong but i ain’t that old
& they call me brave cause the truth be told
the very youngest in the calvary…

hey hey little boy blue
get over here we got something for you
the shiniest gun that you’ve ever seen

all the men are squinting in the sun
& they’re knocking the flies away
they treat me kind & they pat me on the head
& i think i’m gonna die today…

i made love to my father & now I must pay…

my horse i named him Queen
he does whatever i tell him to
tho he’s four times bigger than me

sun shines on grass of green
i watch the sun rise up in the sky
and the time slip away from me

hey hey little blue boy
i’m gonna show you something today
bite down on your finger son cause you’re gonna be a man today

childhood skips after the sun
thru the checkerboard of the sky
blue tears welling up in my eyes
& i think i’m getting ready to die…

i made love to my father & now i must pay…

a rabbit sits on my shoulder
& he sometimes talks to me
i do whatever he tells me to
tho he’s four times smaller than me

bugle splits the sky
drum beat pounds up thru the earth &
the men get ready to die

canon splits the sky
sun leaps up over my head
& it pours in through my eye

hey hey little boy blue
you’ve got a daddy up in the sky
he’s up there waiting for you
with his hand stretched down from the sky

guns unzip the gates of hell
but it seems much different to me
blood shines & peals like a bell
that’s how it seems to me

three clouds drift like kings
thru the checkerboard of the sky
they look so soft to me
that my heart begins to cry

i made love to my father & now i must pay…

Three Feather Man (video)

It has taken me a million days to perform the simple task of posting this video because

1. I went fugue & got lost in bizarre new interests & only recently remembered who I was again.

2. We aquired a second dog- Patton- who was found wandering an intersection downtown. He appears to be a 4 month old german shepherd mix & has a lot of energy.

3. We do not have heat & the house is very cold, making it challenging to perform simple tasks, like cooking & brushing teeth. Normally I would rise to the challenge & use it as an opportunity to go full on pioneer, but something about the cold combined with the stress of the new puppy has knocked me out of orbit a little bit, and accomplishing daily tasks has taken on the feel of climbing a mountain.

None of which has anything to do with this song though. It is just me wanting to say hi.

We were sitting together on the front porch swing
You started talking about everything
Like how the white man stole your land away

And I felt in my heart like I was to blame
Like it was my fault and I felt this shame
And then I felt your feathers tickle me

We were sitting on the porch drinking lemonade
Both wearing sneakers that were Nike made
When I first felt your feathers tickle me

Well I thought it must have been the wind on my shoe
Till I first caught sight of your big canoe
Moving slowly through those waters towards me

And though I ain’t been good, I could start tomorrow
Won’t cause nobody no more sorrow
Just please, sir, take your feathers off of me

Just take that green feather off my thigh
That red feather off my eye
Just pull your yellow feather out of me

It felt like running through the woods at night
I could feel your breath but their was nothing in sight
I could feel my soul just running away to die

Your skin was sticky but it wasn’t red
Your three feathers lined up in my head
As three feather man came slowly over me

Like curdled milk in a broken vase
A dead white man without a face
I could see that crooked finger point to me

Put that green feather on my thigh
That red feather on my eye
Put that yellow feather into me

It don’t mean nothing that you spared my life
Cause it ain’t worth nothing now since that night
Cause Jesus saw your feathers touching me

Yeah God was watching from his starlit sky
Staring me down with that humongous eye
And I know God won’t be forgiving me

And I know I’ m deserving of all this and more
Dirtier than dirt more down than a floor
But Three Feather Man I’m begging you for mercy

Just take your green feather off my thigh
That red feather off my eye
Pull that yellow feather out of me

Adult Halloween is for Weenies

I cannot get behind Halloween as a holiday for adults. Barf! How weenie!

Maybe it is due to psychological problems on my part, but I have no urge to get dressed up as a pumpkin or go trick-or-treating.

If we must have adult holidays (especially during the Scorpio season) couldn’t we at least choose something with a little teeth?

Here are a few ideas for adult Halloween traditions that would be far superior to a regressive fantasy dress-up day…

1. A day when men challenge their enemies to a duel. Not a fight to the death, just a good old-fashioned fist fight where the loser gets beaten to a pulp.

2. A day when everyone publishes their darkest secrets anonymously in the newspaper.

3. A day when people send love letters (anonymous or not) to anyone they currently or have ever had feelings for.

4. A day when people spend the night in forests, cemeteries, or -for extra credit- buried alive beneath the earth. (With a straw to enable breathing, of course. )

5. A day of truth & dare, where you ask people personal questions and if they don’t want to answer you select a reasonable dare for them to perform.

6. A day where everyone spends the daylight hours huddled in the basement in total silence.

7. A day when men compete to eat the most disgusting things imaginable.

8. A day when everyone spends 1% of their yearly income on gifts for a surprise recipient outside their family.

10. A day when men walk naked door to door at sunset, confessing their secrets & receiving a hard slap from women in return. (This is obviously the best idea of all.)

11. A day when men gather to take nude photo shoots with their male family members which are then published in the paper.

The possibilities are endless of course, but the point is this- We are adults! We no longer have to get our thrills by retreating to the pathetic amusements of youth!

Why not instead have holidays which challenge us and push us to step beyond the normal patterns of life? The time for pretending to be something has passed. Now is the time for actually becoming it.

Fall (Video)

For a sign
Some people complain about time, boy
I could always see what was mine, boy
I could stand for ever and just watch the stars unwind.

For a name,
A piece of gold to hold in the rain, boy
So buy up all the land you can claim, boy
I will stay behind you in the darkness and I’ll pray-

Pray to men that live in water, men that live in dreams
Show me how to love and conquer, show me what it truly means to

Fall
Show me how to fall.

For a dream
To chase after that glittering gleam, boy
Though things will never be as they seem, boy
Diamonds in your hand evaporating into steam.

And a fate
You can’t stand beside the water and wait, boy
Not many in this world who are brave, boy
I will stay behind you in the darkness and I’ll pray-

Pray to stars that keep us shining, pooling in the night
Stars of love and stars of violence, show me how to truly fight and

Fall
Show me how to fall.

Then the mist
It will flow around you like this, boy
Your thoughts will start to garble and twist, boy
Feeling with your hand to find the something you have missed.

Then the night
It starts when you get used to the light, boy
Then things will start to dim but not quite, boy
Feeling with your hand you realize that you are dying…

But are you dying from asphyxiation, dying from a flood?
Dying for a drop of luster, dying for some blood?

I will hold you in my mind then, shining like a dream
Emerald lights upon your shoulder- shining like an emerald king and

Fall
Show me how to fall.

The Yellow Shelter

I haven’t been able to post anything in here for a while due to being in a state of confusion & constantly switching identities. I’m not sure why this happens. If I were to trace it back to something I think it probably began with accidentally making a bunch of people mad on social media. I hate making people mad since I am the world’s biggest wuss. On the other hand, the more I try to please people, the more I accidentally end up saying exactly what they don’t want to hear.  Just like the harder I try to make sure I don’t say anything sexual, the more some kind of phallic imagery will slip its way into my mouth. The only way to avoid trouble is not to speak at all, but that causes my sense of self to rapidly deteriorate until I have no idea who I am.

Anyway… I wrote this song a couple weeks back when I was hoping yellow could be the answer to all my troubles. 🙁 It wasn’t. Since then I have hoped white could be the answer and then I tried moving everything to the left side of my house. And then I hoped red could be the answer. None of these things worked, but still I learned a little bit from each of them. 

There was a fire born inside. It left me with no place to hide;
I took my shelter out in the rain.
He looked me up, he looked me down, but could he keep me safe and sound?
Like a needle against the pain?

Ten years, like a fool, waiting for you-
The yellow man who never came.
And the road stretched on- it was hard and it was long
Water running through my veins.

He was counting on his hands, such a practical man;
It made me wish that I could have my chance.
But all I got was the rain, it beat me harder than a cane
Till my blood knew the shape of romance.

Ten years, like a fool, waiting for you-
The yellow man who never came.
And the rain stretched on- it was hard and it was strong
Water running through my brain.

Yellow save me cause I, I don’t want to be free
Won’t you take me to your thick warm shelter, come now
To the source of the sound, you will recognize me
Lead me on into your thick warm shelter come now come now come now

And the rain how it poured; it split me open like a gourd
And it came on my face till I bled.
Still when I look in your eyes and see a shelter warm and dry
I want to climb right into your head.

Ten years, like a fool, I was waiting for you-
The yellow man who never came.
And the road stretched on- it was hard, it was long
Water running through my veins.

Yellow save me, cause I don’t want to be free
Won’t you take me to your thick, warm shelter? Come now
To the source of the sound, you will recognize me.
Lead me on into your thick, warm shelter. Come now, come now, come now.

Download MP3: The Yellow Shelter

The Illuminati are Real

Normally, my thinking does not extend far beyond my domestic world. But recently, I have been connecting with the color white and it has made me think about new things.

For example, I have concluded that the Illuminati certainly exist.

Human societies have always formed pyramids. This is a natural result of the fact that power gives one the ability to gain power more power. So power consolidates over time, until it is weakened by a fragile base and toppled by a competing power source. Likewise, throughout history, those at the top have always developed a God complex.

Currently, though, since we resent the very idea of kings and hierarchies, it makes sense for the top of the pyramid to stay hidden behind a cloud.  Instead of being ruled by Golden Kings whom we bow down to worship, we our ruled by Dark Kings who operate behind the scenes. A wonderful place for Kings to live, if they value their heads.

Kings have always risked everything to expand their kingdoms. They have always dreamt of conquering the world. So it makes sense that our hidden Kings- the Illuminati- would dream of a one world government if they felt it within their reach. Which now more than ever- due to an increasingly connected world- it probably is.

We also have a media which works its tentacles into all realms of our life. I imagine this is the primary method the Illuminati use to maintain their power. It allows them to shape our view of reality, to provide us with our goals in life. It allows us to be herded without putting up a fight.

If you consider the net impact of movies, music, news etc and all the messages they contain, it is insane. And we don’t only hear these ideas FROM the media- we hear them coming from the mouths of everyone we know- spoken as their very own thoughts. And supposedly all this media power is ultimately concentrated in a very few hands.

As for who and what these Illuminati would be, I have no idea. I am only using the term “Illuminati” because it is a popular, romantic term, which also conveys the idea of a God complex, something common to all conquerers.

Ultimately, I think it is naive to believe that we live in a world where power has not managed to congeal and be concentrated within a small number of hands, as power always has. Or perhaps there are multiple Illuminati groups, who compete with one other. Unfortunately, I know nothing about the top of the pyramid. But I believe it is reasonable to assume it exists, as it always has.

So what relevance does this line of thought have to our everyday lives?

On the one hand, none. Humans have always lived beneath Kings and always will. Perhaps this is how we survive as a species. It is nothing to feel oppressed by.

On the other hand- if the media is the primary weapon of our rulers-I think there is great value in unraveling these messages which we have been devouring since birth. Not the explicit ones, but the implicit sense of what life is all about which slides through the cracks.

Because I believe we all have a spiritual purpose, but that it might not be visible to us if we are viewing life through the wrong framework. By questioning the framework, the full scope of life’s possibilities become visible again. We can make sense of life in a way that matches our spirit.

Down with the Illuminati!

Threes (Video)

Sometimes I have words to explain things & other times I don’t. This past week I was trying to expose myself to as much yellow as possible in the hopes that it would give me more practical forms of intelligence, but I don’t think it worked. I sat for long periods in front of a yellow light & afterwards just found that all the words had been knocked out of me. I’m not sure why. Probably just because yellow is so different from what I normally think about that I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

So that is my excuse for not being able to give you any meaningful explanations for this song. Really though, it might have more to do with the nature of the song and not so much to do with yellow.

Hold me by the wrist.
Hold me to the ground.
Watch the world it flies
Spinning round and round.

Tell me what you know.
Tell me everything.
Pressed into a box.
Pressed into a ring.

See clouds that fly.
See them flying free.
That third one is I-
Do you recognize me now?

Their reflections fly
Flowing down the stream
Round my ankles I
Need you to release me now.

In the mirror there,
I saw you again
Like a foggy man
Close behind me then

Pressing into me
Your two hands were tied.
We’re in this world now
Like the square it binds.

Catch a bird that flies
Slice him into three.
Like a man he dies-
Do you understand me now?

Capture any bird
Capture anything
The relentless claw-
Do you understand me now?

When I heard your words
They were only sounds
Tying up my brain
Filling it with brown.

And my heart was tied
Like an animal too.
Our words weren’t the same
How could I explain to you?

Something isn’t right.
Something spinning wrong.
Shapes are scratching now.
Not where I belong.

Every cloud that flies
Breaking up in threes
Meaning something dies
Will you recognize me now?

I am Bone (Video)

This is a song sung by a person who has been murdered. She is singing to her parents who are searching for her, not knowing if she is still alive. It is based on real events. 🙁

I hate dark & scary things. That is why I sometimes write songs about them.  Songs can spin bad things out of this reality into another one.  For the same reason, I rarely write songs about good things, for fear that I might accidentally spin them out of this world.

Here is the lyrics. That is wrong grammar, right?  but I am so tired of good grammar. What has it ever done for me? I just want grammar to match the way I feel. But there are people who judge intelligence by adherence to proper form. I know you aren’t that way, and it is part of why I like you so much.

But I do fear the judgments of others. Mostly, because I don’t feel confident in my ability to survive in this world. Maybe one day I will be walking the streets without food or shelter and the judgments people have of my value will be the only thing standing between me and death.

So, for the sake of survival I try to be dignified. But it is a heavy load to bear. Sometimes I wish I could be free- but you know where freedom leads- straight to the homeless shelter. Or the insane asylum. I also have a fear of being locked up in a mad house, with people using my own words to prove that I am out of my mind. It is a very easy thing for me to imagine.

Did I tell you about the time I was accused of wanting to murder a gigantic man and taken to be evaluated by psychiatrists who viewed my “eccentricities” (such as nail polish & proclivity for walking) as signs of a murderous personality? Did I tell you about the time I was said to have raped a gigantic woman? How would I even do these things and why? I don’t know. But what I do know, is that if you seem different somehow, it is easy for others to project whatever meanings they like onto these differences.

If you want to stay safe, dignity is the best choice. But it is a heavy load to bear.

*

Push through trees at night you’ll never
Find the one you’ll love forever.
Some die, some don’t; some will, some won’t
Follow me & I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

Shine a flashlight on the dark ground
Time changes thing until they can no longer be found.
I once swore to go before you
Follow me & I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

When they scream you’ll know they’ve found me
Terror and shock they will surround me.
Don’t shake don’t cry, I am nearby
Follow me and I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.