Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love men Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Brother oh

These plates, called “Friendly Village” (which I don’t own) were the inspiration for this song. There is something so romantic about plates, especially when they contain pictures framed in brown designs. The color brown itself is so dreamy. It represents that ideal you are always reaching for but can never find…. security, home.

His hands upon me I was spun around.
Tripping over my feet through the softly fading town

Brother no… nobody leads the way
Brother no… nobody leads the way

He turns towords me when the evening shines
His hands upon my head I’ll wait until my time

Brother no….. nobody leads the way
Brother no….. nobody leads the way

First it seems to be a no go
Then he tells you things will fade away
All the while the winds begin to blow
And so you stumble on the way

I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love
This is just a matter of fact
I try putting all my thoughts in a line although
This will never bring him back.

His arm around my neck I start to smile
We’ll watch the clouds pass by just for a little while

Brother oh…… I’ll let you lead the way
Brother oh…. I’ll let you lead the way

First it seems to be a rainbow
Then he tells me it’s a cloud of gray
All the while the fog begins to grow so you will
Wander through the day

I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love
This is just a matter of fact
I try putting all my thoughts in a line although
This will never bring him back.

He holds me up against the wall til I can fly
Scenes of peaceful villages fade in & out of mind

Brother no… I’ll let you lead the way
Brother no… I’ll let you lead the way.

First he tells you its a no no
Then he tells me I must seize the day
All the while the clouds begin to grow
And they grow colder on the way

I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love.
This is just a matter of fact.
I try putting all my thoughts in a line although
This will never bring him back.


Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men Minerals, Mountains, Crystals, Ice, and White Music & Songs Videos

Light on the Wall

Light on the wall
Just stare at it hard then he’s coming to call
He said that your name was the cause for it all
But you knew truth- he knew nothing at all
And next thing it’s all coming down.

Blue on your mind
Then come the words that you’re struggling to find
A world that don’t change and his arm like a vine
till he’s lifting you up by the shoulder.

Waited too long
You can’t hold it back now you’re lost in the song
To enter a world where you could not belong
only lay hypnotized in the smolder.

Cotton is shame
But when you’re alone then you’re primed for the game
The way you’ll go out is the way that you came
To touch is to know that you’re feeling the same
And next thing it’s all coming down.

Light on your mind
It hurts when you know he’s not looking to find
Anything more than to have a good time and that
you were the one he could roller.

Melted again
Everyone knows it’s the heart of these men
To lower you down till you can’t rise again
then they turn to a friend and grow colder.

You will remain
Just hold your hands close to the fire of the pain
And in the end only the fire will remain
The men will return to the light where they came
And next thing it’s all coming down.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Step on the Train

If I sound out of breath its cause I am. But I had to get this recorded anyway. It is from a dream in which I was on a train & sometimes I worry if I let too much time pass I will lose the dream’s feeling.

Step on the train my friend
Down beneath your feet it rolls
Hands upon the window now
We watch the clouds begin to blow

See the sky fill up with wind
Press against us like a flag
Til the evening comes again
And then the clouds begin to drag

No one can know us now
We are unknown to ourselves
Flying forward here we go
And now the sky begin to melt

Nobody knows the way
Flying forward here we go
No one can help us now
Sing cause its the only thing we know

Watchin the sun rise now
And the sky he comes again
I tried to help you but I only
seemed to make the darkness bend

Through a tunnel now we’ll fly
Rest your eyes for just a while
Darkness push upon us push upon us
Let confusion lie

I didn’t know you then
You didn’t even know yourself
Flying forward through the dark
And now the tracks begin to melt

First we’ll reach the tunnels end
Then we’ll move into the light
Golden beams upon us
Sing cause it’s the only thing inside

Step on the train my friend
Press your face against the sky
Watch the blue forever flow
Watch the world begin to fly

Feel the dream begin again
Feel your eyes begin to close
Press your face against glass
Sing cause it’s the only thing we know.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Uncategorized Videos

Far (Video)

(Can you please just ignore the way my face looks in the frozen video screen? Youtube just selects a random moment from the video & it is hard to sing in a way where you never look weird. The hardest part of being a musician is how you are also supposed to be a professional engineer. And someone who likes to be on stage. And self promoter, etc etc etc)

Can you close your eyes we’re almost there?
I can feel the tendrils of his hair
Look I see the pole they said that we’d find
First you know we saw it in our mind.

Close your eyes and let him start to speak
First we fall down limply then go weak
Though we cannot move we see the star
And we know this man will take us FAR.

First we feel his hands caress our face
Lips that part too gently to erase
All the things that lay behind us now
Things that hurt us in the mind somehow.

Darkened hands that lifted up the lid
Of the heavy black box where we hid
Till those heavy hands became a star
And we knew this man would take us FAR.

Sister hold my hand it’s just the two of us to withstand what he gives.
Let your mind give way you know they say the one who dies will be the only one lives.

First his eyes seem black then they seem blue
First he watches me then watches you
As though we were dancing though we lie
Paralyzed and facing towards the sky.

Then we feel his hands begin to touch
Do we like it no or very much?
Either way we’re flying in his car
We have found the man who takes us FAR.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

Hi Again

(Warning- slight reference to astrology. Does this bother people who know nothing about astrology? Personally, I never mind a few indigestible references, but I don’t know if others- especially men- feel the same.)

I haven’t been able to express anything in a while. I’ve written about 50 blog posts but have not been able to publish any of them due to this feeling that everything I say is completely pointless. So, I thought maybe I would take some time off to become more presidential & then go back to expressing myself.

Last night though I realized this reluctance to speak wasn’t about a true desire to resemble Nixon but rather a clamming up in response to a recent spike of low level enemies. For starters, Mars Bringer of War had been moving through my House of Relationships and when this happens you tend to experience death by a thousand cuts. Minor hostility directed at you from multiple directions. No single event worth crying over and yet the sum leaves you feeling demoralized, as though no good people exist. And as I’ve said before, faith in people, the dream that good people exist, is the force that pulls the words out of your mouth. Without that the words stay stuck inside.

Also, Pluto has been sextiling my sun. When Pluto sextiles* a planet, it basically releases a stream of mini enemies in that planet’s direction. These minis teach you how to fight & stand up for yourself so when the biggie transits happen, you are be ready.

Plutonic enemies are different from Martian ones. Martians attack fast and furious, shooting you in the knees, elbows, wherever. Plutonic enemies study you to find your kill spots. Then they execute the most subtle blow necessary to inflict true damage while appearing not to do anything at all. They do not want to be seen covered in blood and guts. They want to be seen as your friend. An understanding of your insecurities is essential to them. So you could see why the presence of Plutonic enemies would make you uninclined to blog about your inner self. They make you want to close off. Obscure. Misdirect.

And they were attacking me in a different way from usual. Normally, the attacks I get are “You’re dumb. You’re dumb. You’re dumb.” Recently it has been people sending me messages about how I’m a horrible singer, criticizing my videos, my blog, saying I’m a bad wife & leaving weird stuff on my doorstep. And other stuff which I can’t go into without seeming paranoid. That is the weird paradox of life- that you have to lie to seem truthful & if you try to be truthful you seem like a liar.

So anyway, like I said, the sextile releases baby enemies. What are baby enemies? They are enemies who you clearly have the power to defeat. The trick is, you might convince yourself they are too small to be worth defeating. You are a big boy. You can shrug it off. But this is big boy’s big mistake. When something is small, that may be the only chance you have to squash it. Once problems get bigger than you are, your chance of success goes down considerably.

So I prefer to over-analyze the heck out of the tiniest of things. It is probably natural for women to do this, though we are sometimes mocked for it. But if people understand how the female mind works they will realize we are humanity’s first line of defense. Your current problems would probably not exist had you listened to your wife. Once the problems do become full grown gorillas then women tend to take a step back and let men do their thing.

***

While I was busy not expressing myself, I did have the chance to go on a learning spree. But let me say here that I am not a huge advocate of learning. I think people are too obsessed with it and overlook more important mental activities like thinking. Still, I do consider myself 15% scholar and like to learn the life stories of those who came before. I like history. My only problem is that it focuses so much on politics and war. I want to know- I NEED to know- what people ate for breakfast. Were their hankerchiefs embroidered? With what kind of flower? Why that one? What perfume did they wear? Did they match their perfume to their hankerchief? These are my obsessions, the little details that cue me in to what was really going on in their minds, but it is hard to find that sort of info. Cause history trumps herstory, right? Once again we are encouraged to look at the big things and overlook the small ones.



* A sextile is basically the softest bump one planet gives another as it circles round your chart. To put it more technically, it is when the current position of a planet is 60 degrees away from the position of a planet in your birth chart, inside the ring of the zodiac.



Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia men Music & Songs Purple, Magic & Sorcerers Uncategorized

Hey Mister

Hey mister where you go? I was waiting too?
Laying all my things around for you.
Stars shining in the night if they only knew
Waiting like I said I’d wait for you.

And its hard to be that strong
When I was waiting there for you for so long.
And its hard to live that low
When I was waiting there for you to go.

Big man walks the night alone, I was walking too.
I was walking til I find the the line to you.
Yes he walked beside me then, for a while it’s true
Tell me comfort til I found the round to you.

Cause it’s hard to live that low
But there is nowhere in the dark where you can just go.
And its hard to hear that song
The one I sang inside my head to you for so long.

I prayed you’d walk before me
Mountains that fall before me
I never knew the way that things would change.

Take my hand before the star rise
Pull the cotton away from my eyes
I wait for you to come and bring the change.

Stars shining in the night I’ll be waiting too.
Waiting like I said I wait for you.
Soft breeze blow upon me now tremble in the dew
I just stood there like I said I’d stand for you.

And it’s hard we live so long
Always dreaming of a man whose so strong.
And its hard, the things we know
When there is no place in the world where you can just go.



Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Videos

Bullets (Video)

I’ve been trying for a while to post something on here & written about 50 blog posts which I didn’t publish due to a desire for invisibility. I toggle between urges to be visible & invisible based on which seems the safest.

On the one hand, people knowing you exist makes you safe. It increases the odds that someone would notice if you went missing. Perhaps in extreme cases, someone would come to your aid. On the other hand, the more people know you exist the more enemies you have. And the more information they have about you, the more nooks & crannies for landing their little arrows. The wider you stretch out your personality, the larger the target becomes.

Still though, I consider it part of my destiny to try and trust in the soft mush of faceless unseen people & to believe that something good might emerge from that mush one day.

***

He points the gun at me
I say please don’t shoot
He says, ‘What makes you think I would do that to you?
After all that I’ve done that’s the way that you see me?
Then walk out that door cause you might as well leave me.’

Oh no…. my brain…..something cracking inside
Please I need to find darkness some place I can hide
Just climb under the bed, just lie there very still
I wish someone would find me but they never will.

Walking around it’s a daze in my mind now
The flowers are blooming, the sun is behind now
But inside it’s raining I can’t make it stop
And I bite on my tongue cause I need not to talk.

Oh no…. my head… something breaking inside
Now I need to find shelter some place I can hide
But behind every door there’s a man with a new gun
There’s no where to go if I had the strength to run.

Clouds in the sky I don’t think I can join you
So fluffy and free all the bullet pass through you
You’ve nothing to fear and you rain when you want to
I wish you saw me I need someone to talk to.

Oh no… my heart… something breaking inside
Can you hold it together until we can hide?
Just climb under the bed just lie there very still
I wish someone would find us but they never will.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Writings

What’s going on…

Recently, I’ve felt blocked from expressing myself because I’ve been under so many external influences that its been hard to hear through the noise.

I mentioned before how I used to be in the habit of keeping an ESP journal every morning. This would mean drawing the psychic forces (coming from people) that were impacting me.  Once I drew them their impact would somehow release, so it served a function similar to taking a shower.

When I started this journalling though, my contact with the outside world was extremely limited. Mostly, I was picking up things hitting James, which were primarily business contacts. A client would be mad at him for dropping the ball. Someone would be trying to get in touch with him. In those days, my accuracy was amazing, due to tiny size of my world. Maybe this is why women have traditionally lived small lives inside a home, rather than big lives dealing with the public. We are so squishy & prone to impact.

Back then I mostly only had to focus on one spot- the right side on top of the head- because that is where the majority of business issues take place. (In 95% of cases, males hit you from the right & females from the left. Also, 65% of non-romantic interactions hit in the head area– business, social media, an old friend thinking about you etc. If they hit around the ears or throat, they are likely talking about you or in the process of contacting you. If they hit the stomach area, they are actively competing with you. In the heart, they are either wanting to form a relationship or after your money. In the privates, it is sexual. But all in all, the head is the most hit.)

Eventually though, I started looking more at the left side of the body & non-head parts, leading to discoveries which changed my relationship with James and pretty much my whole identity. I had been 100,000% wife with no other parts to myself, but it felt like I had been kicked in the head out of the nest & had to try flapping my own wings, something I never thought it would come to. So I started using social media a lot more & also expressing more through music. This caused the balls to start hitting me directly, rather than me intercepting balls meant for James. The balls meant for him now faded into the background where I could barely see them anymore. And as I interacted with more people in more ways, the number of balls started to increase. Sometimes they were people I didn’t know and I would just write down their approximate age, weight, hair color & length (for some reason race doesn’t show up for me & black people look white which has led to a bit of confusion.) And of course, the colors they were emitting towards me which showed thoughts, feelings, intents.

During this phase, I began to feel less lonely. Because I realized humans are interconnected to a frightening degree. All the things we share- anger, hatred, dumb ideas, love, care, protection & even sexual energy are all transmitted through the air. You don’t have to intentionally ‘send’ love, like new age people do- if you actually love someone, the energy is already there. If you don’t, then good luck sending it. We are inherantly connected to each other & whatever we actually think, feel & intend is automatically broadcast. There is nowhere to hide & no place you can be alone. That is probably why I am sharing more, despite being a private person by nature- because I have realized that the truth is already out there. You can throw out a bunch of confusing signals, but eventually the smoke will clear & reality will be visible to all.

So for a while it felt my psychic abilities were expanding and expanding to the point where I was on the cusp of being able to amaze people as a circus act but then…

Then traffic to my website started to pick up dramatically. The number of inputs to my head increased. Now I could spend 2 hours drawing in my journal, but it wasn’t even clearing out 5% of the factors influencing me. It was like a wreath of static had formed around my head. It felt like a fire. This could be why people who get famous go insane and die. My head is so soft to begin with though, I don’t think it takes much attention for me to feel overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do. 

So I stopped the ESP stuff around a year ago. I still haven’t found my way yet, because I need a method to clear the influences, but at the same time can no longer isolate & draw out every last person. There were other problems with the journal too- like it was making me too obsessed with other people & also what James was thinking. After drawing his thoughts & communications, I would then log into his computer to check my accuracy. When females were involved I would feel insanely jealous. I would try to avoid saying anything to him, but it would pop out anyway. He would get mad. So I didn’t feel too good about this, but there was really no way I could draw all the balls (which James wanted me to do) while also remaining emotionally detached. Plus, it began to feel tedious to have to pay this much attention to others while feeling completely cut off from my own desires & guidance. I felt like if I could tune into people this much, surely I could tune into something else instead… something maybe which could uplift me and help me to make sense of life.

So, that is the point where I remain…… trying to figure out what I need to get in touch with. Sometimes I feel I have found it & other times I accidentally plug into something which knocks me off my feet & it takes weeks to recover. More on that later.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Uncategorized

Bullets

He points the gun at me
I say please don’t shoot
He says what makes you think I would do that to you?
After all that I’ve done that’s the way that you see me?
Then walk out that door cause you might as well leave me.

Oh no…. my brain…..something cracking inside
Please I need to find darkness some place I can hide
Just climb under the bed, just lie there very still
I wish someone would find me but they never will.

Walking around it’s a haze in my mind now
And the flowers are blooming, the sun is behind now
But inside it’s raining I can’t make it stop
And I bite on my tongue cause I need not to talk.

Oh no…. my head… something breaking inside
Now I need to find shelter some place I can hide
But behind every door there’s a man with a new gun
There’s no where to go if I had the strength to run.

Clouds in the sky I don’t think I can join you
So fluffy and free all the bullet pass through you
You’ve nothing to fear and you rain when you want to
I wish you saw me I need someone to talk to.

Oh no… my heart… something breaking inside
Can you hold it together until we can hide?
Just climb under the bed just lie there very still
I wish someone would find us but they never will.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men My Life Story Writings

Falling in Love with Spiritual

I am not sure if this post is sexual and hence inappropriate or not sexual at all. It isn’t sexual to me. If it is sexual to you, then apologies. But there are things I am feeling compelled to talk. They are like giant bubbles rising up from my stomach and forcing their way out of my mouth. I may need to write a number of somewhat personal blog posts to get to the bottom of why I can’t stop talking about dicks. I don’t know where to begin, so I will just vomit up one little bubble about my life.

This is the story of how I fell in love with husband #1. Some of this has been shared before. So apologies for any repetition.

We will refer to this husband as Spiritual, because that was his name for part of the time I knew him. He goes by a different name now & this post is not intended to impact his reputation.

Spiritual was driving me to Michigan to attend a spiritual retreat. Spiritual was my spiritual guide, not my boyfriend. The eastern philosophies I was absorbing had taught me that obedience to a guru was the surest way to achieve enlightenment. God had contacted Spiritual and told him to be my guru. This seemed like a miracle, an answered prayer, since I had been praying for somebody to guide me.

Spiritual had made it clear that attending this retreat would be the key to getting rid of the ego. I had no idea what to expect. Getting in the car with a odd smelling male and going on an unknown retreat was not my cup of tea, but I had already accepted that the process of becoming enlightened was gonna suck. I was majoring in Tibetan buddhism & most of the stories of enlightenment involved eating shit, murdering people & doing all sorts of distasteful things. Crazy wisdom, they called it. But it was just the ego that found these things distasteful. Once you reached enlightenment, it was all worth it.

So we were speeding 80 mph down the highway in his van, when suddenly Spiritual said “There’s something we need to talk about…. THIS” and firmly grabbed my crotch, leaving his hand there. I froze. I tried to remember that it was just molecules touching molecules. It had no meaning. This is something I would tell myself when things were gross.

Then he pulled the car over to a rest stop. He said to get out of the car and stood there and said I needed to kiss him. I couldn’t do it. It’s like when you are trying to get yourself to eat a slug and you can’t. We stood there for the longest time. Finally he started screaming at me and I pecked him on the lips. We got back in the van.

We drove to his parents house. This was a shock to me, since I thought we were attending a spiritual retreat center. He introduced me as his girlfriend. I was confused. I thought he was my spiritual leader. I didn’t say anything. Then he went up to his parents room and lay on the floor naked. He said I needed to touch his whole body admiringly because he hadn’t been appreciated enough in his life. I did it.

Next, he said we needed to get married. Because he was Catholic and I had touched his naked body. (Catholicism had not come up before.) This idea repulsed me. I was still a teen and had no desire to be married, especially to him. So I agreed and started wearing his mother’s engagement ring.

As soon as we were engaged things changed instantaneously. He started yelling at me constantly. Making humiliating scenes every time we were out in public. He had yelled at me before (he called it giving me an ‘ego bat’), but now it was unrelenting. It never stopped. But still I fell in love with him. A cascade of molecules caused me to feel high when I touched his hand. I became very attached to him. Inseparable. It got to where I literally could not think a single thought without running it through him to see if it was true or false.

Technically him grabbing my crotch on the way to the spiritual retreat was not the first time we’d had physical contact.

After he became my spiritual guide, Spiritual told me that God had presented him with two choices. I must choose one or the other to stay on the path of enlightenment. Either ask my best male friend to “go down on me” or if I wouldn’t do that then Spiritual would need to perform the procedure.

This was far outside of my experiences and the thought of having to ask a male friend to do it would have been worse than eating a live heart. I would rather have killed myself. So I agreed that he would do it. On the appointed date he took me to a hotel room. I will spare you the details. But don’t worry- this is not an erotic story and it was not an erotic experience. I just lay there with most of my clothes on. I had had surgery on that part of my body as a kid and also many medical procedures. They hurt, but afterwards I got oatmeal cookies. This wasn’t too different. He stuck various things in me. I don’t remember what they all were. One was a blow pop. When I was a kid I would always get to choose a lollipop before the most painful procedures making them bittersweet.

He said he “came twice.” This didn’t have a precise meaning to me. He said it might be useful to touch other body parts. I said okay. That didn’t mean anything to me. I was just a bunch of molecules lying on a table on their way to achieving enlightenment. Afterwards I felt kind of relieved like how you feel when you are leaving the dentist office and are patting yourself on the back for being responsible. Poor Julien. What a doofus.

And not even that experience was unprecedented. It is just that I had this way of completely tuning out anything remotely sexual to the extent that it didn’t exist in my mind. I have told people before that I’ve never been hit on once in my life, but maybe it only seemed that way because my mind just wouldn’t process the sexual implications of any encounter regardless of how blatant they were.

Once for example, this guy kept putting my hand on his dick and I kept moving it off his dick. This didn’t register as sexual to me (despite being an adult), it just seemed like nonsensical behavior, as though someone was trying to touch my elbow with his nose. I didn’t want to touch the gross slimy slug but I didn’t see the male as sexually motivated.

So anyway, before I became his girlfriend or even his disciple, Spiritual insisted I hug him every time I saw him (which was not desired since he reeked of b.o.) and then he would sing this song, “You always give me a boner.” Then he would explain how he got a boner each time he hugged me. Obviously this should have been a warning sign as to what would happen if you got in a van with this guy. But I had changed a lot of diapers as a kid and babies sometimes had boners. So I just saw it in that light, not a sexual one.

And he would sometimes ask if I could remove undergarments so he could study their fabric due to his interest in fabrics. Luckily, I didn’t do that. If he had said it was necessary for spiritual reasons, I would have, but I didn’t want to do something icky just to increase his knowledge of textiles. He would also say weird things about how my br–sts seemed to be attached to my chest. I just filed this under molecules talking about molecules. Things that had no rhyme or reason. So many things in life, so many things people did, just seemed nonsensical to me. They had no explanation. Molecules talking about molecules.

And it worked both ways- I would frequently say and even act out sexually explicit things, like writing songs about rape that (in my mind) were songs about colors or turning in a giant picture of a dick for my final art project which in my mind was a picture of a tree. But this is a subject for another post.