Paradise

Father, I need to sit.
There’s all of this blood down here- nobody will tell me what it is.
Father, what is the time?
There’s all of this blood down here- nobody will tell me if it’s mine.

You built a tower in my heart just like a paradise
I laid me back to watch so warm in the sand.
Clouds flew above me light flashing out of their eagle eyes
Now I can feel those cold things starting again.

Father, where are my hands?
I need to touch my eyes- something tells me they are hurting me again
Father, am I lying in bed?
Why are the curtains drawn? What is this thing upon my head?

You built a tower in a tower in my heart just like a paradise
I laid me back to watch so safe in the sand.
Sun shimmered on my body like I was a pegasi
But now I can feel those cold things starting again.

Father, why are the curtains drawn?
So many things to do. I can’t remain in here too long.
Father, I need to ask
Of all the things you’ve done, which ones are the ones that you’d take back?

You built a world around my heart just like a paradise
I laid me back to watch so safe in your hand.
Cities they swirled around me like they was a race of lights
But now I can feel those cold things dripping again.

All of the men in the world lined up side by side.
A bundle of twigs they wait for the flame.
Dance by the fire and you will realize.
A burning twig will never feel the pain.

 

Download MP3: Paradise

A Game

I lift the checkerboard to see a little man in black.
I guess his name & call to him; he doesn’t answer back.

It’s always been this way- a game that people play
It’s always been this way- a game.

I lift my eyes the little man is climbing up the hill.
I follow in his shadow till the sun has set & still

It’s always been this way- a game that people play
It’s always been this way- a game.

If you trail the golden thread till dawn he said, til dawn he said
If you trail the golden thread, I will turn my head.

I followed him until the dawn; I had no place to be.
He sat down and I saw him yawn; his heart had set on me.

It’s always been this way- a game that people play.
It’s always been this way- a game.

If you trail the golden thread till dawn he said, till dawn he said
I will place the golden crown upon your head.

I picked the soldier as he slept and placed him in a box.
I nestled him so carefully beneath a golden lock.

I took my little box and walked my soldier up the hill.
I buried him beneath the ground he’s safely sleeping still.

I have trailed the golden thread til dawn I said, til dawn I said.
I will wear the golden crown upon my head.

Some days I think I feel his tiny fists beneath the ground;
I tell myself I’ll look for him once spring has come around.

Download MP3:  A Game

Me, gazing longingly at the Governor’s Mansion. But for now, the Doors of Power remain shut.

 

 

 

 

 

5 Dark Knights

 

There are 3 stages a person passes through on the road to spiritual glory.

  1. The White Stage: At this stage, a person develops discipline and character by following rules & seeking to please an authority figure. This could be a child obeying a parent, a student obeying a teacher, a Christian obeying God, etc.
  2. The Black Stage: At this stage, a person is thrust into the battle of life. Following rules and pleasing authority figures will no longer ensure a victory.  People are forced to step outside moral codes and do what nature demands to survive.
  3. The Gold Stage: If a person makes it through the black and the white, they will reach the gold stage and wear the crown of wisdom. To wear this crown, a person must be both powerful & benevolent and know how to balance the ideals of heaven with the realities of earth.

This song is about the second stage, the black stage- the world of knights.

Lyrics & more…

 

 

 

 

The Same Things That Humans Do

The Same Thing That Humans Do

This man was sure that the end wasn’t coming but
still he’d take a look.
He knew the ways of the men and their holidays
things read in a book

Opened his door and he stood on the precipice
gazing at the sky.
He saw the clouds they were shaped like the animals
things that had to die.

Say goodbye. No.
You will cry, even so.

We only wanted the same things that humans do
We only wanted the same things that humans do, now.

All of the clouds and the sun and the scenery
things that once seemed real.
All of the love and the words and the promises
things that people feel.

Shadows of animals seen on the wallpaper
things that once had light.
Sounds of the people who don’t each other well
fucking through the night.

Say goodbye. No.
You will cry, even so.

We only wanted the same things that humans do.
We only wanted the same things that humans do, now.

This man he knew that he couldn’t communicate
knowledge he had gained.
He carved a picture into a black walnut tree
fallen by the rain.

He said goodbye to the clouds and the scenery-
You, my friends, were right.
He hung himself on the branch of a walnut tree
Hidden by the night.

Say goodbye. No.
You will cry, even so.

We only wanted the same things that humans do
He only wanted the same things that humans do, now.

 

Dowload Mp3:  The Same Things That Humans Do

The Same Things That Humans Do (Video)

This man was sure that the end wasn’t coming but
still he’d take a look.
He knew the ways of the men and their holidays
things read in a book

Opened his door and he stood on the precipice
gazing at the sky.
He saw the clouds they were shaped like the animals
things that had to die.

Say goodbye. No.
You will cry, even so.

We only wanted the same things that humans do
We only wanted the same things that humans do, now.

All of the clouds and the sun and the scenery
things that once seemed real.
All of the love and the words and the promises
things that people feel.

Shadows of animals seen on the wallpaper
things that once had light.
Sounds of the people who don’t each other well
fucking through the night.

Say goodbye. No.
You will cry, even so.

We only wanted the same things that humans do.
We only wanted the same things that humans do, now.

This man he knew that he couldn’t communicate
knowledge he had gained.
He carved a picture into a black walnut tree
fallen by the rain.

He said goodbye to the clouds and the scenery-
You, my friends, were right.
He hung himself on the branch of a walnut tree
Hidden by the night.

Say goodbye. No.
You will cry, even so.

We only wanted the same things that humans do
He only wanted the same things that humans do, now.

Pink Cross Nun (Video)

A song about a nun. I used to consider myself a nun, of sorts, though not in the spiritual or celibate sense. More in the sense of someone who practices restriction and self-torture (read more about it here.)

But now I am not a nun of any sort. I am a housekeeper. I make corn bread and other corn foods day and night. Corn is my life. It is the only world I know.

And in that way, I still relate to the feelings of the song. Limitation, confinement, repetition, Saturn.

“Yet in that dark street shineth the Everlasting Light.”

Because it is when life has become so still, so boring, so dull that you’re certain you’re going to throw up, that you begin to feel the Light that Lives behind Things shining through.

Slippers, wearing one of James’s shirts. I would like to dress her up in my clothes, but her torso is too large.

And for those who like lyrics…

I loved a man named Joe,
I loved a man named Joe,
but he became a confederate soldier & went to war.
la la la la la la

I became a nun; I became a nun
at the pink cross nunnery, the pink cross nunnery.
la la la la la la

Now every day I watch the sun & count my rosary.
Now every day I watch the sun & count my rosary.
la la la la la la la la la.

I used to say hail mary’s
for three years I said hail mary’s,
but then I stopped,
and now I count from one ten.
These days I count from one to ten.

I have me a husband now and Jesus is his name.
Don’t know what I lost with Joe; I just know what I’ve gained.
Don’t know what I lost with Joe; I just know what I’ve gained.
And Jesus is his name, y’all. Jesus is his name

 

Looking for a King (Video)

A song about kings, as we approach the month of kings. Sometimes I think the whole winter is the time of kings, it is so solemn and intent on not letting anyone have fun. Plus, it is a time when the amount of money you have comes to the forefront.

Probably due to the fact that Pluto- the dark God of the underworld- has recently entered my House of Money, money has become a subject of interest for me. Not actually making it, of course. More like bringing it up in conversations to make people squirm. Nothing is more deliciously taboo than money, not even sex.

Why is money taboo? Well, when you are poor you can’t let anyone know, or they will realize you are powerless and treat you with less respect. And when you are rich, you can’t let anyone know or they will try to take your money. I find all of that incredibly exciting.

Another thing I love about money is how it allows you to perform simple tests to find out if others care about you (hint: they don’t.) People throw words of love at each other all the time, but how many will back up their words with cold hard cash? Of course, you have to be careful when running these tests, because there are people in the world who are truly generous and still don’t care about you. And some who are generous just long enough to hook their fish. But still, I think it is a good idea to ask your friend for $100 dollars every now and then, and if they say no, never talk to them again.

And now I am remembering all the times friends asked me for money & I said no. I always said no, because I hate to give people money… maybe this is not a good test after all. I am not greedy, you know. In fact, I doubt I have based a single life choice around gaining money (unfortunately.) But I am stingy. Once I get a dollar bill in my hand, I don’t want to let it go. And a true friend would never ask me to.

Money, gifts, and shiny balls… come to Julien now!!! 

Anything like Free

Stars that watch me from above
Stars that watch from within dreams
Everything I knew of love
Turned much darker than it seemed.

Oh God those stars around my head I let him
Lead me to a bed just like a golden flame, golden flame.
Fumble with my hands, I need something to help me
Stand so I can hold myself to the blade.

I never wanted to be anything like free
I only wanted something kind
But when you took me by the wrist that is the time I changed my mind.

Things that happen in the dark
In the alley down below
Where you’re not supposed to be
Where the good men never go .

But I must find the kitchen sink I need to have another
Drink this is no time to cry, time to cry.
Angels in the air we’ll gather for another
Prayer and then we’ll say goodbye, say goodbye.

I never wanted to be anything like free
I only wanted something kind
But when you took me by the wrist that is the time I changed my mind.

I read the book line by line
Men like women but not all the time

Because women travel in the dark
Women have no friends at all
We just take our greasy hands
Lay them right against the wall.

I saw a man upon the hill he tapped his hat to me
I smiled and that was my mistake, my mistake.
Angels can you stay I’ll need someone to
Pray upon my bones when they break, when they break.

I never wanted to be anything like free
I only wanted something kind
But when you took me by the wrist that is the time I changed my mind.

I only ever wanted someone who could feel me
Someone I could follow from behind
But when you took me by the wrist that is the time I changed my mind.

Download MP3: Anything Like Free

A not happy selfie. Are those taboo? Although- as I mentioned earlier- I am terrified of photos, the one exception is that if I am very upset I will take a photo of myself crying. I don’t know why. Pain witnessed is pain reduced, I suppose, and sometimes you have to be your own witness.