Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire

A Home

All this time
All this cold
All this scared to go back home

Sometimes faint
Sometimes bleed
Sometimes hold you as you try to leave but I

Knew the time would come when you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

Sometimes fast
Sometimes burn
Catch you when you try to turn

Sometimes fight
Sometimes fall
Sometimes flying through the wall but I did know

That the time would come when you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

A home

Sometimes red
Sometimes black
Sometimes bruising in the back

But I heard
That there lives
A Great Fire who never burns the things he gives

All the time I knew that you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

A home

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

Jupiter is Idealism

Big Stuff is one of the Giants I wrote about in an earlier post. But he looks pretty Jupiterian to me, so I will place him here.

When you are a child you desire to be awesome- to have exceptional abilities that make you shine to those around you. Growing up is about realizing that no one wants to watch you shine. It’s annoying. What people want is for you to add value to their lives. What society wants is for you to add value to society.

Enter Jupiter. In traditional astrology, he is the bringer of wisdom, luck & riches. In modern astrology, he is frequently associated with weight gain, overspending & all forms of excess.

If I had to sum up Jupiter in one word, I would call him Idealism. He is the first planet who causes us to look beyond our personal goals to see how we can benefit the world around us. And as we become *for others* others become for us. They now have a motivation to help us. Society now has a motivation to reward us. People can open doors for us which we could never have opened for ourselves. This is luck. People invest in us and introduce us to new ideas & ways of seeing things. And so our world begins to expand.

But will our waistline expand as well? Possibly yes, but not because Jupiter is a pleasure seeking lush. In my opinion, every planet is a correcting force to the planet preceeding it. The Sun is hot and the Moon cools it. The moon is mushy but mercury is crisp. Mercury is too mental so Venus opens the heart. Venus is weak so Mars is strong-willed. Mars is shielded and independent, focusing on enemies and threats. So Jupiter opens up, to see the good in the world and also the good that COULD be in the world. You will never hear Jupiter say that humans suck. He fucking LOVES humanity.

But this new openness and love for the world naturally leads to a softening of personal boundaries and willpower. Jupiter will eat more, drink more and buy more just because he is more in touch with the goodness around him and lacks the will to resist. His personal bank account is not the most important thing to Jupiter anyway. He is externally focused. Just as the moon focuses on children and Venus focuses on her boyfriend, Jupiter focuses on society, seeing it through a doting golden glaze. He is the true believer in humanity’s potential and this excites him more than personal glory or owning buns of steel. His mind and emotions are mixed up and swirled with the world around him. If this goes too far of course, his generous optimistic spirit can be his undoing, which is why he is followed by the correcting force of hard & crusty Saturn.

And I believe Jupiter’s altruism is responsible for the high spirits he is known for. Our personal cares often dissolve when we develop an outer focus and fall in love with something beyond our self. Jupiter is about falling in love with our human tribe or even humanity. The world becomes brighter, more interesting, filled with meaning and purpose. Suddenly we matter because there are always things we can do to benefit and romance our new love interest. This does not necessarily mean we will be volunteer at a soup kitchen however. Depending on the sign and placement of Jupiter, this altruism can take many forms. Maybe we are Batman and do the dark works no one else has the stomach for. Maybe we are a clown working at a gas station, bringing a laugh to all the customers. We could be a writer, a hater, a bragger or a dancer. It isn’t the actions themselves which are Jupiterian but the motivation behind them. Jupiter’s motivation is to give to humanity. Idealism.

My Jupiter is in Aries for example, so at times when I am overtaken by altruism I become more fiery & belligerent than my normal personality. Almost as though our idealistic self is a genie kept in a bottle, a separate spirit who can possess us and provoke us into action our regular self would not take. My idealistic self tries to place myself in the line of fire in the hopes of taking a few bullets for humanity. Perhaps since I am cowardly by nature, being brave seems like the most idealistic thing I can do. I can only be brave though when this spirit overtakes me. A spirit of gratitude and awe for everyone and everything that has gone before. We all have this spirit and you can see its presence marbled throughout history when over and over again people devote and sometimes sacrifice themselves to transform the world for the better. It’s beautiful.

And in you this spirit, this altruism, may take any form. You may become maternal and start baking everyone muffins. Maybe you give hand jobs while expecting nothing in return. Lock yourself in your tool shed until you invent a better pencil. Or perhaps just lie on your sofa and dream new dreams that will one day come true for all of us.


Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

What is a dick?

Please forgive me if I make no sense. Right now the whole universe is bombarding my mercury- aka brain- and it has sped thought processes to where I can hardly function. Zillions of thoughts colliding into each other & all of them breaking into fragments. This will last a couple more years.

I can still write songs in this state, but songs come out like eggs. You have to let the emotional energy congeal again before laying the next one. In the meantime, there is still too much I need to express. Plus I am so alone & this blog is my closest friend.

So I am barfing out thoughtlets. To release them from my mind.

One strange thing about my mind is how it seems to have different pieces which live side by side, unknown to one another. I would notice this at school when I would get perfect scores on tests which- as far as I knew- I knew nothing about. Subjects like advanced math & science where you can’t fake it. Also, everything related to sex.

As a teen the last thing in the world I wanted was to be associated with sex or even being female. This could partially explain why I changed my name to Julian.

Buying female products was my worst nightmare. I would go to the store in disguise & wait til there were no people around. Later the products would be stored in a box hidden behind a dresser in a closet. I invented multiple codes for writing in my journal so that I could write in double code (a code within a code). But this wasn’t enough, so when they were finished my beautiful journals would have to be ripped to pieces and then burned. What was I writing about? Boys. Liking them was the most secretive & humiliating thing imaginable.


At the same time, however, I was- unknown to myself- constantly broadcasting sexual things in an inappropriate way. It was only many years later that the constant explicit nature of my actions became clear to me.

There was the way I would eat bananas in front of younger teenage boys. They would always ask me to eat them over and over again which I was happy to do since I brought 2 bananas with me to school every day. There was the time I plastered the school with a poem about 2 soft squishy balls which a man liked to play with. I really thought it was a poem about favorite toys and was bewildered by how people would crack up. There was my final art project at university which I thought was a tree, but in retrospect was a realistic picture of a dick sliding through a hole. There were the poems I wrote about people coming all over things and the look on the teachers faces when they read them. The times I would jump up on tables and start doing pelvic thrusts at family get togethers. Passing people notes that said “Do you want to make love?” Painting pictures of soldiers have sex with their dads and writing songs which (in retrospect) were obviously about people getting raped but at the time I thought they were songs about colors.

In my mind, almost everything was a color or a feeling. The literal meanings of things did not compute. Of course, I wouldn’t expect anyone to believe this because it doesn’t even make sense to me. How can someone know something and not know something at the same time?


I don’t know.

The End.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

Being Different People

Ned- the first born of the 5 giants.

Husband 1, in a past life, belonged to a race known as the Wise Ones. Wise Ones lived in lavish castles. They did not work. The vibration of their souls attracted great wealth to them. When Wise Ones incarnate on the earth plane however, they struggle to survive without the riches their soul is accustomed to. This can lead to depression and even heart failure.

Sometimes husband would lie on the floor with his hands on his chest, struggling to breath, too heavy for this world. The only thing that could save him was millions of dollars.

It seemed unlikely he could earn the money himself. Years of job aptitude tests had uncovered only two potential career options- wine tasting & boob feeling. I tried to find him a job in the boob feeling industry but massage therapy was too demanding. He got a job in a wine store but they only paid minimum wage.

I painted, wrote songs & made a little money but not enough to support us much less give him the lifestyle he deserved. Then he read a book on channeling and decided that I could channel information on how we could manifest millions of dollars straight from the ethers.

I didn’t feel great about this. Becoming a hollow tube for other beings to speak through wasn’t my cup of tea and I didn’t think I could do it anyway. But he needed millions of dollars within the next few months and I didn’t have a better idea.

So…. to make a long story short, I channeled that we should rename our apartment Archimedian Estates and paint everything inside it pink, gold & black. And we needed to fill it with 100 species of plants & a pet from each animal kingdom. This would make us millionaires.

A couple months later, the whole place was pink, black and gold. We had 26 plants, one snake, two birds, a fish and an eviction notice. Far from being millionaires, husband was now hitting up my friends and family for money- a humiliating fate. We separated then. I felt maybe, just maybe, I could eke out an existence alone, but there was no way in hell I could support a Wise One. They need all of life’s finest things just to survive.

The world was harder than I imagined though and a year later we were back together. The need for channeling picked up. Could I channel Mary, Archangel Michael, the Moon, the spirit of Fame? It made my head feel weird. But if I objected he would say “Hang on- I need to ask Auriel about this!” He yelled at me constantly but never at the other beings. Sometimes I would switch into them just as a safe spot.

Channeling snowballed fast. Before long Julien had been pushed out altogether and replaced by an ever growing cast of characters. It was no longer about channeling advice either. Now it was about him connecting to different women who were his wives and all these different humanoids who were his children.

His children included 5 giants- Brownie, Big Stuff, Ned, Ted & Fred. 1,000 genies called ‘the Hectors.’ And various others such as Sweet Cookie, Shelley, Fufu, Hunkdehunk, Sweetsie & Cherry Lemonade Spritz.

His wives are harder to remember but included Clementine, Ambrosia, Auriel & Earth. He would have sex with them. In general he preferred a different type of female than me- the Strong Business Woman. His wives were closer to this ideal. They even had different bodies.

I don’t know how long the period lasted in which I was continuously other people. Maybe 5 years. During this time husband got a job at Target. I would stay home reading books on magic & trying to do impossible things. Home was various places, like motels in the middle of deserts. Basements on the outskirts of Brooklyn.

I no longer ate normal food but subsisted on weird things like Chuckles & Jello. I liked these foods because they resembled the jell loafs Auriel ate in her world. I didn’t have normal clothes either. At one point the only thing I had to wear was a little girl’s cheerleading skirt he brought me home from Target & a teddy bear sweater (a sweater made for a teddy bear) which I wore as a hat.

Sometimes I would write songs but mostly I was plagued by weird fears, like my legs falling off. Unresolvable mental dilemmas would torture me for days like whether my soul smelled more like rose or ylang ylang. I would prank call people or send them weird letters & they would think I was scary.

I knew I had fallen out of step with society & felt ashamed but couldn’t find my way back. The only person I spoke with was my husband but he didn’t speak to me, just through me to his wives and children. I could no longer choose to not channel them since that would mean separating a man from his entire family, an inhumane act by any standards. They seemed to bring him joy.

And to this day I struggle with dissociative identity disorder. Maybe. But I don’t know if this is related to the time I spent being other people or not.

The End

Shelley. She had a soft jelly-like yellow body & rode in a wheelchair since her body was too soft. She wore a football helmet on her head and kept covered up in a blanket since she got so cold. She loved math & her pet fish. Sometimes I miss these friends & feel sad they are fading from my imagination.
Sweet Cookie who has two very wise pet squirrels- Nimrod & Noodleface. They have all sorts of special knowledge.



Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Blue Sky

Feel life upon you like a wave
The men will come but they won’t stay
No one knows where they’re going.

So much like you- you once were here
Step into blue then disappear
I don’t know why.

Try not to move, try not to cry
Hold onto glass but never break it.

The thing is this was never real
You confuse life with what you feel
I don’t know why.

You sigh it’s just the world you know
The men will come the men will go
No one knows why.

But pain remains that can’t be hid
The hand that cut you as a kid
Blue blue sky.

Your heart it stretches out like glue
Existing so outside of you
No one knows why.

You thought you had a friend- you don’t
You thought he’d help you but he won’t
Blue blue sky.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Purple, Magic & Sorcerers

Suicide

This picture perfectly captures my life at the moment… a bear on one side representing everything humans dream of and a black swirl on the other, representing the forces of darkness. And in the middle, confusion. I hope I’m not being too dramatic. I actually hung the black swirl picture in the hopes that a picture of black swirls would cancel out real black swirls, but I don’t think it worked. Don’t worry though I’m not suicidal & you shouldn’t be either. For all we know black holes lead someplace wonderful. Maybe to paradise.

Would you come away with me and
Put the bar upon the door
Take away the black and blue and gray
Maybe I don’t want them no more.

First the clouds began to gather
Then they thicken to a bruise
Then you wait for them to strike
Looking at the things you’ll lose.

Maybe you should tell him stop then
From the waters you will climb and
Wander in the dusty world
Leaving everything behind.

No. No. The water’s fine.
Suck it down. Suicide.
Down. Down. It never ends.
Let it come, come again

Would you come away with me and
Take me to a coffee shop
We could wander through a peaceful town
Find a pleasant way to talk.

Never push and never tumble
Never hurt and never bleed- no!
Never lost and dressed in rags
Never grovelling with need.

Come. Come. The water’s fine.
Suck it down. Suicide.
Down. Down. It never ends.
Let it come, come again.

Bleeding out
Then you realize
All the things you’re running from
Were the things that you desire.

Come. Come. The water’s fine.
Suck it down. Suicide.
Down. Down. It never ends
Let it come, come again.



Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Writings

In My Head

I think my claim to fame is being the least practical person who spends the most time obsessing over how to be practical. 65% of the dialogues in my brain go something like this…

“Fuck. Shit. I’m one step away from being homeless! What should I do?”

“Something practical!”

“Like what? Jump off a bridge? I can’t live in a homeless shelter full of fleas!”

“Well how tall would the bridge need to be?”

“I don’t know!”

“Google it!”

“If I google it, will google alert the cops and then they show up at our house?”

“Shit- we don’t have makeup on!”

“It’s a bad idea anyway. It would hurt. And I’ve heard people regret it halfway down.”

“Ewww… that would suck. Maybe we could get a job at McDonalds then?”

“That’s practical. But what shoes would we wear?”

“Maybe getting practical shoes is our first step!”

“How though? We don’t drive.”

“Well…. Let’s start smaller. Maybe we could put more practical shoelaces in these shoes?”

“We do have that ball of brown yarn… brown is a practical color! We could make shoe laces out of that!”

“Yeah! And with the left over yarn we could make a bracelet!”

“Oh- and tie some around our finger as a ring! Everytime we see the ring we will remind ourself to be more practical!”

“YESSSS!!!” (Runs for ball of yarn & gets to work. Two hours later, the shoes are too loose cause the yarn isn’t strong enough & the bracelet & ring are soggy.)

“Fuck. I can’t keep wearing these. They itch. This doesn’t seem practical anymore.”

“It was a dumb idea.”

“What can we do then? We have to do SOMETHING practical or we’re gonna die!!!!”

“Maybe we could start by sending friend requests to people who work at McDonalds!”

“Oh- that is practical symbolism. Wait- how will we know if they work at McDonalds?”

“I don’t know… maybe we could start by sending friend requests to people whose names begin with Mac?”

“Yeah!!!”

“Wait… what if these people think we’re trying to have sex with them?”

“We could send them just to women?”

“They could think it too.”

“How do you have sex with a woman?”

“You stick your arm up their hole. It’s called fisting.”

“Fuck…. Everyone thinks I’m trying to fist them when really I just don’t want to die.”

“It’s embarrasing.”

“So what should we do?“

“Maybe first we should have a snack and think.

“Yes. A practi-snack!. Are pretzels practical?”

“Of course. They’re dry and crunchy.”

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Writings

The Smallest Blog Post

I go through phases where my arms and legs freeze up. I can’t move. The blood has retracted to my core. My brain freezes. My kidneys hurt. It is a response to fear I guess.

I can’t sing. It’s hard to talk or write. The feeling of silence is so thick and blood pumps in my ears. The acute phase lasts 24 hours. Then a lingering reluctance to make sounds or speak words. Eventually I remember to surround myself with the color red and it gives me the urge to be again. I can’t even say I like red in a ‘favorite color’ sense but it has thrown me a lifeline so many times it is like an angel.

That is the phase I have been in today. I’ve been listening to Hello by Lionel Ritchie on endless repeat. I don’t usually listen to music but when I do it is one song that hits me and so I listen to it over and over and over again. I like this song. It is so beautiful. Soon I will try surrounding myself with warm colors & hopefully it will become easier to speak. But first I will listen to Hellow a few more times.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher of the night
Look at what I’ve done.
I’m in a bad way now.

He told me no more fight
No more hide & run
Hold it inside somehow.

How?

Touch me on the arm again with all your little strings, your little strings,
oh god
I can feel them coming now with all their little wings, their little wings
And they tell me that someone is on my side.

I did it. Spit it out.
Pin me by the neck.
Didn’t obey his will.

Soft voices. Close my eyes.
I know what I get.
Reach for another pill.

Uphill.

Come onto my head again with all your little strings, your little strings,
oh god
I can feel them coming now with all their golden wings, their golden wings
And they tell me that someone is on my side.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Politics Writings

In Praise of Communism

Communism cannot be defeated. It represents important truths and until capitalism wrestles with these and incorporates them into a broader capitalist vision the desire for communism will not go away. These truths include interdependence and the realization that power does not equal value. In other words, survival of the fittest does not mean survival of the best.

Supporters of capitalism champion values such as self-reliance and competition. Both beautiful things. But this frequently morphs into the naive view that whoever wins a competition was in fact superior and has more to offer society than those he vanquished.

A 60 second reflection on life will show this is not the case. Those who survive may be best at surviving, but this does not mean they contribute more to society. If baby Jesus were to be defeated by the AIDS virus, that is natural selection, but can we truly say the cream has risen to the top? Likewise, the winner of a business competition may have been best at winning the competition, but that is no guarantee they offer more value or a better product than those they beat out. Were the Mongols inherantly superior to those they destroyed? No. Might does not make right and might has little correlation to value.

But those with a religious belief in capitalism frequently cling to the notion that that which does survive and thrive is that which SHOULD survive and thrive, conveniently blocking from their minds the truth that evil is frequently well versed in survival. But this naive capitalist dogma relieves us of the human responsibility to ENSURE the survival of the good by throwing our weight behind it. We can sit on our hands and watch gladiators behead children while mumbling something about Darwin under our breaths. If people do not feel a moral responsibility to see that good triumphs, capitalism will create nothing more than a cesspool of oppression.

Allowing life to take its course is not evolution. Evolution is taking responsibility for what happens in our world. Might makes right leads to de-evolution.

The principle of self-reliance can also be troubling. On the one hand, it is a beautiful thing when people take responsibility for their own survival. On the other hand, most people who consider themselves ‘self-reliant’ pay little attention to all the people and systems which make their self-reliance possible. Then, when they see someone else struggling to survive, they make the naive assumption that a lack of self-reliance must be the problem.

Yet again, a 60 second reflection easily reveals the complicated truth that many (most?) human problems are external in nature. Slavery and systems which create functional enslavement being just two examples. As far as we know, the animals in the zoo are every bit as self-reliant- or would be anyways- as animals in the wild. To attribute the struggles of others to their inferior moral characters is simply a fantasy which relieves us of guilt as we prioritize the most trivial pleasures for ourselves over the basic needs of others. Because if we were to help them, they would never learn self-reliance, now would they?

There is also the brain-dead conflation of poverty with laziness. While this may be true in some cases, the reality is simple. Our wealth is determined by a single factor- how much money we have received from others. Lazy people frequently position themselves to receive quite a bit of money. Hardworking people can also position themselves to receive good money from their labor. Or hardworking people can find themselves in situations where they receive little or no rewards- in some cases even ending up in debt from nonstop work.

But it is always the case that wealth is simply a measure of what we have received. Never a measure of what we have given. Hardworking people all over the world can barely feed their children. In many cases the poor are the most hardworking segment of society. We call them the labor class. They are contributing but aren’t positioned to receive wealth- either through their own lack of skill in RECEIVING or an actual lack of options. In astrology, for example, the sign that rules work- Virgo- is associated with poverty. Virgo focuses constantly on solving the problems of those around him and is rewarded with scorn. A pattern we have all witnessed.

So this is yet another problem with religious capitalism- we measure people’s value by how much they have received from society, not how much they have given to it. We convince ourselves that these are one and the same. This relieves us of guilt & casts our fawning admiration towards the rich in a more flattering light. We admire their contributions. We aren’t sniveling syncophants drawn to power like a moth to hell.

So while I am fully team capitalism, I embrace it as an economic system- NOT a religious philosophy. Capitalism will never ensure the cream rises to the top. It is does not magically cause good to triumph over evil. That is OUR job. If we sit on our fat asses and watch humanity slug it out in a gladiator pit just waiting to suck the dick of the winner we will create a hell on earth. Cause you know who the winner will be. Satan. When capitalism is used as an excuse to free ourselves of moral responsibility, that is just the way things go.