Best Friends Forever

 

 

Mommy

 

 

Download Mp3: Best Friends Forever

 

you bought me candy and you held my hand
and we walked, just the two of us, there on the sand
and we watched the horizon so far away
and i smiled- i knew it would all be mine someday

but then when you left the horizon turned flat
it was an empty line, who wants to waste their time chasing that?
and all the dreams were shadows that left the world colder
and the future was only a place to get older and die

death was everywhere behind every smile
it fueled the people’s dreams, they drove mile after mile
but i stood there, just waiting for my time to run out
tousled by the purple sheets blowing about

in a wind that came from somewhere, but from where no one was sure
life was just a riddle then, so pointless and obscure
that no one even tried to answer it, they just drove faster in their cars
wanting to go anyplace as long as it was far

from the place they were born, a birth they could not even remember
memory was a flashlight, a tiny handheld ember
that we used to move forward, but never to look back,
while behind us a presence grew so ominous and black

and in front of us we were certain we heard footsteps descending
we knew they were death’s feet, heralding our ending
for i’d seen my own mother slide like a child into his robes
so we focused with exclusion on the things we could control

studiously shining our little lights on tombstones
memorizing names that belonged to the bones
and at times i would lie down and dream i was dying
i’d close both my eyes and watch purple flags flying

thru a sky with two moons and my hands would grow colder
would my mother recognize me now thirty years older?
would we walk again, the two of us, on a beach in the sky?
would i feel hope again when i found a world where you don’t have to die?

or would death be there, as well, would he slide through the curtain
a jack in a black box who makes pain so certain
when he scoops out the fruit and then leaves me the rind
until i’m clawing like an animal for a way to feel full inside

when you were here, i was here, i occupied this place,
but now my heart is stretches like an ache throughout space
i look everywhere to find you, people tell me to let go
but i see their eyes shine with a demonic glow

i will follow you, i’ll follow you, i’ll fight through the veils
we will meet again, i don’t know where, but please let your trail
lead me outside of time where we can hold hands forever
and i can dream again, knowing we’ll be best friends forever.

Theodore

 

153

 

Theodore

bells ring, people sing
nobody cries about anything
they just let go, follow the flow
this is the wisdom that people know

but i dream in stone- i know this world of air
it can’t be the world that’s really there
through my fingers the tears keep falling down
they’ll fall and fall until they reach a solid ground

aye aye bye bye
theodore has left us and we’ll never know why
try not to cry when people die

ok, but where do they go?
they go to the light
that’s what you say, but it doesn’t seem right
to have to stay in a world so slight

change is life, life is change
these are the things you can’t rearrange
nothing in this world lasts forever
this brings value to the time we spend together

but I dream of bodies that God won’t take away
with limbs that never fall off and decay
through fingers my tears keep falling down
they’ll fall and fall until they reach the solid ground

aye aye bye bye
theodore has left us and we’ll never know why
try not to cry when people die

ok, but where do they go?
they go to the light
that’s what you say, but it doesn’t seem right
to have to stay in a world so slight

we won’t cry, this is a celebration
theodore made his life into a joyous creation

he was smart, fun, hardworking and modest
now he’s invisible and made of air just like God is

but i dream of gods with bodies of their own
who walk this world decked out in flesh and bone
just like angels, my tears keep falling down
they’ll fall and fall until we reach the solid ground
aye aye bye bye
theodore has left us and we’ll never know why
try not to cry when people die

ok, but where do they go?
they go to the light
that’s what you say, but it doesn’t seem right
to have to stay in a world so slight

don’t despair, he’s still sort of there
living in your heart like a puff of warm air

 

Download MP3: Theodore

I am Bone.

 

This song (not to be confused with “I am the Bone“) was inspired by things in the news, people going missing & all that.

 

I am Boneman with flashlight discovers bones

Push through trees at night you’ll never
find the one you’ll love forever.
Some die, some don’t
Some will some won’t
Follow me & I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

Shine a flashlight on the dark ground
Time changes thing until they can no longer be found.
I once swore to go before you
Follow me & I will show you

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

When they scream you’ll know they’ve found me
Terror and shock they will surround me
Don’t shake don’t cry, I am nearby
Follow me and I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

 

Download MP3: I Am Bone

Home

Yesterday I watched an episode of MacGyver, and it convinced me that I simply have to become more practical if I am to survive, much less thrive, on this planet. I have to become a female MacGyver, or at the very least, work my way out of the “special needs” category.  This isn’t the first time I’ve had this notion, but I always get so overwhelmed by the vast number of skills you need to be even a person of average practicality, that I quickly give up in despair, and decide that, if something ever happens to James I will just have to be content living out my days in a mental institution. Until today, when it occurred to me that I could simply divide all practical skills up into a number of categories and try to tackle one category at a time. So, for this month, I am attempting to become better at housekeeping.
Baby Snuffles in Basket with Tea Towel
One thing I was admiring about MacGyver, was how- after climbing a mountain and knocking an Asian soldier unconscious- he immediately picked up the soldier’s coffee cup and finished off its contents. Later in the show, he found some Hershey’s chocolate bars on the floor of a recently exploded building that was filling with poisonous gas, and picked one up and started eating it. It made me realize that you just can’t be squeamish if you want to play at MacGyver’s level.  But in my case, excessive squeamishness has definitely been a practicality inhibitor. So, I am going to make sure that in housekeeping, I especially embrace the tasks I would normally hand off to someone else, such as cleaning the toilets, taking out the trash, and cleaning the vacuum filter. (Maybe I should even have a sandwich afterwards without washing my hands!) I have long speculated that there may be a correlation between personal power and how willing a person is to get their hands dirty.

So, this housekeeping focus has got me thinking about all the things that turn a house into a home. I tend to think of homes as being very large people, and just like us, their lives depend on a wide variety of organs, systems, and substances in order to live. Without the necessary components, they are simply large bodies that neither live nor breathe. I think many houses nowadays never quite make it all the way to becoming homes, because a mobile, career-centered lifestyle focused on sophistication and refinement tends to lack many of the earthly elements that bring a house to life. In fact, I had been planning to let my current apartment remain an empty-ish white box, to decrease the hassle of moving when we eventually relocate. But I’m not sure it is even safe for humans to live in white boxes, at least not over the long run. People think a lot about the nutrition that comes from food, but I think an equal amount of our nutrition comes from our environment and the things that surround us.

And here are some of the things it seems to me that houses need in order to come to life:

1. Plantly things, like potted plants, unvarnished wood, natural wicker, or even some branches or wildflowers in a mason jar. Plants are the lungs of a room and enable it to breathe.

2. Pictures. Despite (or perhaps because of) having hundreds of drawings and paintings piled up in my home, I haven’t hung pictures on my walls in the longest time, but this is a big mistake! If windows are the eyes of a home, then pictures are a home’s imagination and it’s ability to dream.

3. Soft things, like blankets, pillows, towels, rugs, curtains, or even stuffed animals. These are a home’s soft arms that give you a much needed squeeze at the end of the day.

4. Hard, natural textures, like stone, brick, terra cotta, tile, and even porcelain and glass. These are the bones of a home. Have you ever noticed how bony people make it easily through the lean times and don’t lose their integrity during the fast times? Well, it is the same with homes.

5. Memories, if you are lucky enough to have any good ones. These can be any objects that connect you to happy times in the past, or meaningful relationships you have known. These are, of course, a home’s memory, and help to keep it warm and stable.

6. Gold. Touches of gold, perhaps unvarnished brass or gold leaf, are like a home’s halo. They connect a home to God the Father and remind us that good will eventually triumph.

7. Handmade items and crafts of all sorts are the hands of a home. They remind the home to engage in life fully and not be weighed down by perfectionism and inhibitions..

8. Food. Probably the most important facet of all, cooking and eating are truly the heart and life blood of a home. The fire, the bubbles, the clinks, the smells and the vapors. The forks and plates and crumbs. These are the things which, above all else, seem to bring a home to life.

 

The Golden Sun in the Center of the Universe

Ever since the initial exhilaration of living someplace new wore off, I have found myself rather depressed in West Virginia. It is just so green here. I cannot even see a slice of sky from my window, only walls of green from trees rising up the side of a mountain. Being green probably sounds wonderful, but to me, green is the heaviest color- dense, dark and difficult to digest, like a solid stick of butter with no bread. Heavy things, things that are difficult and thick with no bubbles, have always been my weak point in life.

Julien in the Walmart parking lot.
Me, exploring Walmart’s parking lot.

In New Hampshire, the conversations I would overhear, tended to revolve around movies, restaurants, politics… airy, impersonal things. Here, it is mostly thick and sticky gossip, or else ironing out the details of Jesus’s Millenial Reign. Football, faith, and family are all that really matter here, and it isn’t clear to me how I can be a relevant part of that picture. Plus, I miss the ocean.

So, about every 36 hours I get so depressed that I can neither move nor stop crying, which will provoke James to drive me out to one of my favorite parking lots (yesterday it was Walmart). I tell him what I am feeling, and invariably he shows me a new way of looking at the situation, which causes the depression to evaporate almost instantaneously, giving me the energy to get out of the car and explore all of the parking lot’s interesting nooks and crannies. It is strange, how quickly even the heaviest feelings can change in response to seeing things in a different light.

Which has really underscored for me how much our feelings reflect our thoughts. And our thoughts- these seem to reflect something even more rarified, which I would call our spiritual perspective, our core beliefs about life. What is life? What is its purpose? Is it guiding me? Is it forever? Does it want the same things for me that I want for myself? And so on and so forth. Mostly we go through life answering these questions only subconsciously, but still our conclusions form the basis for all our other thinking.

But how can we know the true nature of life? It isn’t really something which can be determined by our intellect. But I think we have faculties which go beyond our intellectual, emotional, and physical ones, even if these faculties are not always acknowledged by our society. On some level, we KNOW what life is, and we KNOW who we really are. But too much confusing feedback from the world can cause us to doubt this part of ourselves who knows.

There is, I think, a golden sun in the center of the universe, whose light feeds our minds with truths about life and our place in it. If we shut our eyes to this sun, the world grows dark and confused. We strain our minds, trying to find reasons to feel good about ourselves, we strain our emotions, trying to stimulate them towards happiness, and we strain our resources, burning through them to fill the emptiness.

If I had to name this sun, I would call it The Future. In a way, I think our most important spiritual belief may be the idea that we are immortal beings living in eternity. Without this, the future can never truly be bright, and without a bright future, happiness is impossible. Without eternity, there is no true love, no true meaning, and no true growth. Without eternity, there is no reason to believe that the universe loves us or that we have much value at all. But with an infinite future, all set-backs are temporary and all gains have infinite value. Relationships take on a new dimension, and we can set the most lofty and profound goals for ourselves. If I could change one thing about our culture, I would change our belief in impermanence to a belief in forever, because I think this would cause us to honor the golden things that really matter. And on a personal level, I wish I could regain the feeling of timelessness I knew as a child. Because when time ends, peace begins.

 

Burn

 

One of my favorite parts of living in West Virginia is driving through the mountains at night listening to religious sermons on the radio. Yesterday, the sermon was about the Millennial Reign of Jesus, which begins when the Saints of Tribulation rise from the grave and begin their march up the Mountain of Olives, where Jesus will be waiting for them along with a white unicorn. On this mountain, Jesus and the saints will arm themselves and prepare for the battle ahead,  which involves casting most humans into hell (but only AFTER turning them into immortals, so that they will suffer till the end of time) and imprisoning Satan deep in Cetarez- the Mariana Trench of Hell (where he will live for the next one thousand years, until he escapes for the Final Battle.)

 

Jesus emerges from Olive Mountain as the Saints of Tribulation rise from the grave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While I’m not sure I completely agree with the preacher on what the future holds, I do like it that people’s minds are open enough to entertain such fanciful possibilities. And I like the idea that the very essence of reality could suddenly change in the blink of an eye. I tend to assume that the basic laws and shape of the universe will remain as they are- but what if they won’t? What if the people of the hills are right, and this is the seventh day of reality- the day when God rests- but soon his day of rest will end and all of hell will break loose? Although, personally, I would prefer a less violent eighth day, when Jesus returns to right every wrong and turn the earth into Teddy Bear World.

 

 

Download MP3: Burn