Sausage Time

This is just a symbolic representation of the problem & not an actual drawing of it.

Well, this is something I have wanted to write about for a while, but it is hard for me to put into words. Also, I question the wisdom of exposing weaknesses in a world where enemies are squirrels and friends are unicorns. Nonetheless, sharing is part of my life’s purpose (I think), and if you don’t fulfill your purpose you will be thrown back into the fire at death. So here we go.

Basically, there is something wrong with my head. I will try to describe the problem through 2 ideas which are probably interrelated.

  1. Sausage Time

    My husband calls this going fugue. I have tried to explain it before. Basically, all the sudden something will switch and it becomes hard to remember and relate to whatever I had been doing in the moments and days prior. It is like one sausage has been pinched off and a new one begun. The beginning of a new sausage coincides with new perspectives, ideas & approaches to life.

    But it isn’t changing ideas that are problematic. The problem lies in the sense of disconnection from who I was previously, as though my memory and identity- rather than running seamlessly like a river- have been pinched like a sausage. Like how you feel when you are waking up from a dream… even if you remember parts of your dream, there is still a feeling of discontinuity, as though you have moved through a veil. The dream self shared the same name and soul but not the same mind or stream of consciousness as your waking self.

2. No Skullcap

I am the normalest person you could ever hope to meet from my toes up to my ears. But from my ears to about six feet above my head, something isn’t right. It feels like my skullcap is missing and where my own head should be there are a million overlapping heads instead. They all belong to different people and sometimes to things that aren’t people.

Which sounds like schizophrenia, but probably isn’t since I don’t experience psychotic breaks from reality. I do experience the air as being filled with the thoughts, feelings and consciousness waves of other beings, but this is a stable part of my reality which never stops me from flossing my teeth. It co-exists with shared social realities but does not override them. And in these days of wireless technology, the idea of air being filled with information shouldn’t be a stretch.

Nonetheless, it feels like some kind of barrier is missing at the top of my head and I am constantly being pelted with endless chaotic inputs. It helps slightly if I wear a hat, sunglasses and ear plugs. But, in general, I try to deal with it by staying busy so my consciousness has a specific thing to focus on. According to my astrology chart, though, my life’s purpose lies in exploring these invisible realms and NOT trying to escape them through work. But that is easier said than done, since if I don’t try to actively avoid that part of myself it feels like flying in a tornado (from my ears up), and I feel despair- knowing that whatever this stuff is is so infinite & complex that ever getting a handle on it must be impossible.

Still, the chaos and overflow of information isn’t the problem. The real problem is the absence of a center point I can identify as myself.

To make matters worse, when I DO occasionally look at it, before long I tend to get sucked into one particular consciousness wave and then BAM! a whole new sausage has begun.



** PS. If you have read my other blog entries, you may have read about ESP journaling which involves looking at the energetic things which are coming from other people. I will also sometimes journal the pieces of this chaos which are emanating from myself (which is easier to do.) But even after removing these 2 factors, tons of STUFF remains which I have absolutely no way to make sense of. I think it comes from realms beyond the human but that is so far outside my scope of knowledge that I have zero idea how approach it. Hence why I prefer to stay busy and never go near the top part of my head.

The Lights

‘Oh! I wish you were dead.
Then I could get some sleep, just please put a bullet in your head.
Oh! You better not speak again.’
Slide to the floor, let it hold me once more, my thick and heavy friend.

Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights!
I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down
Because they’ve come to set things right.
Here come the Lights!

Oh! It’s like a parade-
Everyone dancing around in the sun while I’m searching for the shade
Or someone who can help me understand the things I’ve seen;
But the dark world engulfs me, he’ll never let go because I am his queen.

Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights!
I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down
Because they’ve come to set things right.
Here come the Lights!

Oh! So this is the night?
And these are the friends who slide under the door in the guise of liquid light?
Oh! This is the Column of Heat!
You have arrived, now I will shut my eyes because I know it’s safe to sleep.

Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights!
I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down
Because they’ve come to set things right.
Here come the Lights!

Made Love to My Father (video)

bandage on my eye
sun shines on the barrell of my gun
& the blood on my hands is dry

today i turn thirteen
i’m pretty strong but i ain’t that old
& they call me brave cause the truth be told
the very youngest in the calvary…

hey hey little boy blue
get over here we got something for you
the shiniest gun that you’ve ever seen

all the men are squinting in the sun
& they’re knocking the flies away
they treat me kind & they pat me on the head
& i think i’m gonna die today…

i made love to my father & now I must pay…

my horse i named him Queen
he does whatever i tell him to
tho he’s four times bigger than me

sun shines on grass of green
i watch the sun rise up in the sky
and the time slip away from me

hey hey little blue boy
i’m gonna show you something today
bite down on your finger son cause you’re gonna be a man today

childhood skips after the sun
thru the checkerboard of the sky
blue tears welling up in my eyes
& i think i’m getting ready to die…

i made love to my father & now i must pay…

a rabbit sits on my shoulder
& he sometimes talks to me
i do whatever he tells me to
tho he’s four times smaller than me

bugle splits the sky
drum beat pounds up thru the earth &
the men get ready to die

canon splits the sky
sun leaps up over my head
& it pours in through my eye

hey hey little boy blue
you’ve got a daddy up in the sky
he’s up there waiting for you
with his hand stretched down from the sky

guns unzip the gates of hell
but it seems much different to me
blood shines & peals like a bell
that’s how it seems to me

three clouds drift like kings
thru the checkerboard of the sky
they look so soft to me
that my heart begins to cry

i made love to my father & now i must pay…

Three Feather Man (video)

It has taken me a million days to perform the simple task of posting this video because

1. I went fugue & got lost in bizarre new interests & only recently remembered who I was again.

2. We aquired a second dog- Patton- who was found wandering an intersection downtown. He appears to be a 4 month old german shepherd mix & has a lot of energy.

3. We do not have heat & the house is very cold, making it challenging to perform simple tasks, like cooking & brushing teeth. Normally I would rise to the challenge & use it as an opportunity to go full on pioneer, but something about the cold combined with the stress of the new puppy has knocked me out of orbit a little bit, and accomplishing daily tasks has taken on the feel of climbing a mountain.

None of which has anything to do with this song though. It is just me wanting to say hi.

We were sitting together on the front porch swing
You started talking about everything
Like how the white man stole your land away

And I felt in my heart like I was to blame
Like it was my fault and I felt this shame
And then I felt your feathers tickle me

We were sitting on the porch drinking lemonade
Both wearing sneakers that were Nike made
When I first felt your feathers tickle me

Well I thought it must have been the wind on my shoe
Till I first caught sight of your big canoe
Moving slowly through those waters towards me

And though I ain’t been good, I could start tomorrow
Won’t cause nobody no more sorrow
Just please, sir, take your feathers off of me

Just take that green feather off my thigh
That red feather off my eye
Just pull your yellow feather out of me

It felt like running through the woods at night
I could feel your breath but their was nothing in sight
I could feel my soul just running away to die

Your skin was sticky but it wasn’t red
Your three feathers lined up in my head
As three feather man came slowly over me

Like curdled milk in a broken vase
A dead white man without a face
I could see that crooked finger point to me

Put that green feather on my thigh
That red feather on my eye
Put that yellow feather into me

It don’t mean nothing that you spared my life
Cause it ain’t worth nothing now since that night
Cause Jesus saw your feathers touching me

Yeah God was watching from his starlit sky
Staring me down with that humongous eye
And I know God won’t be forgiving me

And I know I’ m deserving of all this and more
Dirtier than dirt more down than a floor
But Three Feather Man I’m begging you for mercy

Just take your green feather off my thigh
That red feather off my eye
Pull that yellow feather out of me