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Charleston, West Virginia men Politics Videos Writings

A Drop of Gizz

(Saturn is squaring my Mercury causing me to hate everything that comes out of my mouth. If I sound like I’m eating a robot, that’s why.)

I’ve been in that phase again where I write a million blog posts then delete them cause I can’t stop imagining all the reasons people will hate me for anything I say.

Personally I love to read people writing about their own experiences. Whether it is trudging across Antarctica or making their husband a sandwich, I don’t care. But when writing about myself, the voices in my head start calling me a self-absorbed, navel gazing narcissist. Sometimes real people do too.

So then I become an intellectual. A defensive posture. It makes men think you are smart and respect you more. Sometimes it feels like men are highly cue based when evaluating intelligence. A woman in spectacles discussing science is intelligent. A woman gluing cotton bears onto a wreath is not. But I can’t maintain being intellectual. It feels like walking on my hands.

And the Heard-Depp trial is ‘triggering’ me. But I’m afraid to say this. If you want your biscuits, this is the time to say you believe men can be abused just as easily as women. You are supposed to say it is just as bad for a woman to push a man- even if he doesn’t move- as it is for a man to push a woman- even if she falls into a bathtub and hits her head. They are equally bad. It’s violence either way!

You are supposed to say that domestic abuse is a genderless crime. And male victims are too shy to come forward. Depp is helping to change this.

But it’s hard for me to imagine a female using physical force to dominate a man. Even moreso in a case like this where Depp is surrounded by body guards. Not to mention endless money, friends, family, staff, homes, vehicles, planes, yachts, guns, knives etc.

It wouldn’t be impossible. But the only way I could see it happening is if Heard managed to establish a guru-like grip over Depp’s mind. But it is clear from the trial that she was not holding his brain in thrall. Drugs and his demons did that.

Perhaps many do not understand the difference between physical aggression and abuse. Lobbing a ball of socks at someone is not abuse. Punching a man, grabbing a woman’s arm & leaving a bruise, screaming, calling someone a bad name… you can only determine the significance of these events by looking at the larger pattern. If Monica slapped Clinton for gizzing on her dress would that make him a battered husband? Not from my perspective. If she stabbed him through the eye with a pen then we are entering new territory.

Because women can commit acts of violence towards men. They could marry an old man for money then slip poison in his food.

But domestic abuse, imo, is when a person uses intimidation, manipulation, violence & control of resources to establish dominance over their partner, making them unable or unwilling to leave despite bad treatment.

How many men exist who are physically afraid of their wives but too scared to leave? How commonly do women cut off men’s access to money, social contacts and transportation while dominating their bodies and threatening to kill them if they escape?

I’m wincing because the next statement will probably shower hate on me, but it seems possible that trace elements of domination are present in many if not most heterosexual relationships. It’s more than men being stronger, it is also how they are built for war and competition while women obsess over connection, frequently placing them in the role of trying to please.

We try to make things gooey and soft. We want to wear matching pajamas. We glue cotton bears onto a wreath. Men don’t do this. I don’t know why. I’m not judging them for this. I’m just trying to state the obvious in a culture which punishes us for doing so.

Muffin papers. I had planned to start making Business Woman Muffins each morning to sustain me through the day. For a Woman On the Go. That hasn’t happened.
My opponent’s sign encountered while door knocking. Politics is another factor making me feel suppressed. One wrong word could cost me votes.

Especially in a Republican primary. Some conservatives judge you for bad language, sexual language, violent language etc. As though God fast tracks all Scorpios to hell.
A red picture of me to showcase my political dominance and power. I admire red, but also feel it is everything I will never be. Which is why I like to stay near it. Kiss the hand that feeds you.
A picture of stones resting on cotton.

Would you like to watch a two minute video of a dog’s face accompanied by a song about a frog?



Slipper’s name is substituted for Mr. Froggy’s though cause she loves the sound of it. I also like to read her Bible verses where it’s God talking directly to Slippers. “I shall cover Slippers with my feathers, and under my wings Slippers will rest.”



Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

God


Wake up to pounding fear
Water rush through my ear
What did I imagine from last night?

Down through the hall to creep
Move slow the baby sleeps
Feel the walls still quivering in fright.

How did I get so weak?
How to fall so low?
When at first it felt so good to be controlled?

Warm up a slice of pie
Step slow. The baby lies.
What did I imagine from last night?

Hold head and cover eyes.
Prepare for the sun to rise
Tell brain be steady and comply.

Cause if I defend myself
He’ll knock me down again
But at first, it felt like nothing to let him win.

God you said it was true love
Breathed so deep in my ear
If that wasn’t your voice then what did I hear?

Gaze through the window pain
Clouds dry, there willl be no rain.
Gaze through the future thin & blue.

Far past the cloudy skies
Past baby where he lies
There’s no point further out than you.

How did I get so dumb?
How’d I get so slow?
When at first it felt like faith to lose control?

Lift my head up off the floor.
Must continue on.
But my first mistake was believing in you God.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire

A Home

All this time
All this cold
All this scared to go back home

Sometimes faint
Sometimes bleed
Sometimes hold you as you try to leave but I

Knew the time would come when you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

Sometimes fast
Sometimes burn
Catch you when you try to turn

Sometimes fight
Sometimes fall
Sometimes flying through the wall but I did know

That the time would come when you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

A home

Sometimes red
Sometimes black
Sometimes bruising in the back

But I heard
That there lives
A Great Fire who never burns the things he gives

All the time I knew that you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

A home

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Purple, Magic & Sorcerers

Suicide

This picture perfectly captures my life at the moment… a bear on one side representing everything humans dream of and a black swirl on the other, representing the forces of darkness. And in the middle, confusion. I hope I’m not being too dramatic. I actually hung the black swirl picture in the hopes that a picture of black swirls would cancel out real black swirls, but I don’t think it worked. Don’t worry though I’m not suicidal & you shouldn’t be either. For all we know black holes lead someplace wonderful. Maybe to paradise.

Would you come away with me and
Put the bar upon the door
Take away the black and blue and gray
Maybe I don’t want them no more.

First the clouds began to gather
Then they thicken to a bruise
Then you wait for them to strike
Looking at the things you’ll lose.

Maybe you should tell him stop then
From the waters you will climb and
Wander in the dusty world
Leaving everything behind.

No. No. The water’s fine.
Suck it down. Suicide.
Down. Down. It never ends.
Let it come, come again

Would you come away with me and
Take me to a coffee shop
We could wander through a peaceful town
Find a pleasant way to talk.

Never push and never tumble
Never hurt and never bleed- no!
Never lost and dressed in rags
Never grovelling with need.

Come. Come. The water’s fine.
Suck it down. Suicide.
Down. Down. It never ends.
Let it come, come again.

Bleeding out
Then you realize
All the things you’re running from
Were the things that you desire.

Come. Come. The water’s fine.
Suck it down. Suicide.
Down. Down. It never ends
Let it come, come again.



Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Writings

The Smallest Blog Post

I go through phases where my arms and legs freeze up. I can’t move. The blood has retracted to my core. My brain freezes. My kidneys hurt. It is a response to fear I guess.

I can’t sing. It’s hard to talk or write. The feeling of silence is so thick and blood pumps in my ears. The acute phase lasts 24 hours. Then a lingering reluctance to make sounds or speak words. Eventually I remember to surround myself with the color red and it gives me the urge to be again. I can’t even say I like red in a ‘favorite color’ sense but it has thrown me a lifeline so many times it is like an angel.

That is the phase I have been in today. I’ve been listening to Hello by Lionel Ritchie on endless repeat. I don’t usually listen to music but when I do it is one song that hits me and so I listen to it over and over and over again. I like this song. It is so beautiful. Soon I will try surrounding myself with warm colors & hopefully it will become easier to speak. But first I will listen to Hellow a few more times.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher of the night
Look at what I’ve done.
I’m in a bad way now.

He told me no more fight
No more hide & run
Hold it inside somehow.

How?

Touch me on the arm again with all your little strings, your little strings,
oh god
I can feel them coming now with all their little wings, their little wings
And they tell me that someone is on my side.

I did it. Spit it out.
Pin me by the neck.
Didn’t obey his will.

Soft voices. Close my eyes.
I know what I get.
Reach for another pill.

Uphill.

Come onto my head again with all your little strings, your little strings,
oh god
I can feel them coming now with all their golden wings, their golden wings
And they tell me that someone is on my side.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Plants and the Emerald Kingdom

Forever

Lay the stars before me
Place my hand into the tray
Let me choose the one that I’ll follow
All the way.

I’ll walk until forever
Past the green plants as they die
I’ll leave them on the ground
My eyes fastened on the line.

I could live forever
It would a single day
Push me to the ground and then I’m found I’m found
Always be that way.

I could know forever
I can see where heaven lies
Walk me on and on and when it hurts again
Close my eyes.

We were walking side by side through night
Dressed from head to toe in black was I
When you felt afraid you’d turn to me
And wish that I would die.

Push me down into the blackness
Somewhere in the soil I start to live
Now I ‘m a ghost I can’t be hurt no more
Only give.

I could live forever
It would a single day
Push me to the ground and then I’m found I’m found
Always be that way.

I could know forever
I can see where heaven lies
Walk me on and on and when it hurts again
Close my eyes.

Take my hand & look into my eyes-
No you won’t
I’m your shadow now
Where you go I go.

Take my hand & try to turn me round-
No you see
I’m invisible
Your company.

I could live forever
It would a single day
Push me to the ground and then I’m found I’m found
Always be that way.

I could know forever.
I can see where heaven lies
Walk me on and on and when it hurts again
Close my eyes.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Videos

Bullets (Video)

I’ve been trying for a while to post something on here & written about 50 blog posts which I didn’t publish due to a desire for invisibility. I toggle between urges to be visible & invisible based on which seems the safest.

On the one hand, people knowing you exist makes you safe. It increases the odds that someone would notice if you went missing. Perhaps in extreme cases, someone would come to your aid. On the other hand, the more people know you exist the more enemies you have. And the more information they have about you, the more nooks & crannies for landing their little arrows. The wider you stretch out your personality, the larger the target becomes.

Still though, I consider it part of my destiny to try and trust in the soft mush of faceless unseen people & to believe that something good might emerge from that mush one day.

***

He points the gun at me
I say please don’t shoot
He says, ‘What makes you think I would do that to you?
After all that I’ve done that’s the way that you see me?
Then walk out that door cause you might as well leave me.’

Oh no…. my brain…..something cracking inside
Please I need to find darkness some place I can hide
Just climb under the bed, just lie there very still
I wish someone would find me but they never will.

Walking around it’s a daze in my mind now
The flowers are blooming, the sun is behind now
But inside it’s raining I can’t make it stop
And I bite on my tongue cause I need not to talk.

Oh no…. my head… something breaking inside
Now I need to find shelter some place I can hide
But behind every door there’s a man with a new gun
There’s no where to go if I had the strength to run.

Clouds in the sky I don’t think I can join you
So fluffy and free all the bullet pass through you
You’ve nothing to fear and you rain when you want to
I wish you saw me I need someone to talk to.

Oh no… my heart… something breaking inside
Can you hold it together until we can hide?
Just climb under the bed just lie there very still
I wish someone would find us but they never will.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Uncategorized

Bullets

He points the gun at me
I say please don’t shoot
He says what makes you think I would do that to you?
After all that I’ve done that’s the way that you see me?
Then walk out that door cause you might as well leave me.

Oh no…. my brain…..something cracking inside
Please I need to find darkness some place I can hide
Just climb under the bed, just lie there very still
I wish someone would find me but they never will.

Walking around it’s a haze in my mind now
And the flowers are blooming, the sun is behind now
But inside it’s raining I can’t make it stop
And I bite on my tongue cause I need not to talk.

Oh no…. my head… something breaking inside
Now I need to find shelter some place I can hide
But behind every door there’s a man with a new gun
There’s no where to go if I had the strength to run.

Clouds in the sky I don’t think I can join you
So fluffy and free all the bullet pass through you
You’ve nothing to fear and you rain when you want to
I wish you saw me I need someone to talk to.

Oh no… my heart… something breaking inside
Can you hold it together until we can hide?
Just climb under the bed just lie there very still
I wish someone would find us but they never will.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs Uncategorized

Second in the Line


To adore me you must
Go before me
Build a path for me.

Laying stones down you
Must prepare the ground
Build a home for me.

Remember when you fall so far
Remember I was there for you to give you something more

Softly touch me we’re no place now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend
We are family.

Looking your eyes
All the lies
Beautiful to me.

You say you won’t hurt me no more
Well what else are friends for?
Someone to believe.

Remember when you fall so hard
Remember I was there for you, always safe and warm.

Softly touch me we’re no place now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend.
We are family.

Closing my eyes, I
See it all unfurl
I know how it ends.

Dark things fly towards me
Still you walk before me
Vanish round the bend.

And all the stars that beg for you
To sparkle in your time.
Remember I was there for you
Second in the line.

Softly touch me we’re no place now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend
We are family.