This picture perfectly captures my life at the moment… a bear on one side representing everything humans dream of and a black swirl on the other, representing the forces of darkness. And in the middle, confusion. I hope I’m not being too dramatic. I actually hung the black swirl picture in the hopes that a picture of black swirls would cancel out real black swirls, but I don’t think it worked. Don’t worry though I’m not suicidal & you shouldn’t be either. For all we know black holes lead someplace wonderful. Maybe to paradise.
Would you come away with me and Put the bar upon the door Take away the black and blue and gray Maybe I don’t want them no more.
First the clouds began to gather Then they thicken to a bruise Then you wait for them to strike Looking at the things you’ll lose.
Maybe you should tell him stop then From the waters you will climb and Wander in the dusty world Leaving everything behind.
No. No. The water’s fine. Suck it down. Suicide. Down. Down. It never ends. Let it come, come again
Would you come away with me and Take me to a coffee shop We could wander through a peaceful town Find a pleasant way to talk.
Never push and never tumble Never hurt and never bleed- no! Never lost and dressed in rags Never grovelling with need.
Come. Come. The water’s fine. Suck it down. Suicide. Down. Down. It never ends. Let it come, come again.
Bleeding out Then you realize All the things you’re running from Were the things that you desire.
Come. Come. The water’s fine. Suck it down. Suicide. Down. Down. It never ends Let it come, come again.
Dreamcatcher of the night Look at what I’ve done. I’m in a bad way now.
He told me no more fight No more hide & run Hold it inside somehow.
How?
Touch me on the arm again with all your little strings, your little strings, oh god I can feel them coming now with all their little wings, their little wings And they tell me that someone is on my side.
I did it. Spit it out. Pin me by the neck. Didn’t obey his will.
Soft voices. Close my eyes. I know what I get. Reach for another pill.
Uphill.
Come onto my head again with all your little strings, your little strings, oh god I can feel them coming now with all their golden wings, their golden wings And they tell me that someone is on my side.
They say the rain will play that song again You know the way it will go. To feel his net within my mind again I’ll lead the way even so.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you’ll walk towards the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you’ll walk towards the window then you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think that they’re reforming you man?
I feel the baker take her time again Stir slow, stir slow all of the corn. Green fields appear within my mind again Grow slow, grow slow, only born.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you’ll walk towards the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you’ll walk towards the window then you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think that they’re reforming you man?
You know the way to pull that cold from me Pull hard, pull hard, pull with your hand. My hair was rope inside your hand, you see Pull hard, pull hard see if you can.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you’ll walk towards the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you’ll walk towards the window then you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think that they’re reforming you man?
I’m in mute phase right now, so all I will say is that it is so easy to learn things others have already learned & so hard to learn things that no one has learned yet.
Oh & regarding this song, I will say one thing too. It is more or less about whether or not doing something stupid is a good idea. What do you think? Act now, think later has mostly been my approach to life. The only thing that has saved me is being so fearful, since usually my body will be too afraid (or grossed out) to do the dumb things I try to get it to do. But I’ve still managed to be dumb enough to learn that if you constantly act on impulse you are likely to one day find yourself in a crevice it will be hard to climb out of. Still, the actual moment of doing something dumb feels amazing, like a quick flash of enlightenment followed by 20 years in a Saudi prison.
If you are super tough though it may be that you can get away with doing dumb things more easily. You have to be grounded & practical if you want to be adventurous, otherwise you are doomed.
Take my hand but take it slowly Let it grow just like a lowly Bean towards a grain of light
Let it be so small and hidden Mixed into the air, forbidden With my mind alone I might
Fallen in the green where you wait around for me Fallen in between with your hand upon my knee
Kidneys shrink inside the darkness I know I must stay regardless Gonna do the best I can
Lay my hand down when he makes me I alone must save or break me This I swear I understand
Still I feel a cold like a shadow in my ear It’s that sound again and I wonder if you’re near
No nothing’s wrong- I told myself I would be strong but I let it slip away. Hey would you say the only way to get there is to fall Tumble to the day?
Hands go limp just like a baby Sun breaks through the glass and maybe You alone could make me smile
Life moves on then like a train To crash and clatter in my brain, but please Could you stay with me awhile?
Its that gold again, something warm against my ear Sun is pouring in and it feels as though you’re near
No nothing’s wrong- I told myself I would be strong but I let it slip away. Hey would you say the only way to get there is to fall Tumble to the day?
Feel you breathing, how could I? There’s no one here but I Feel your hands upon my face
Feel you standing square and solid Heavy arms upon me I… Now I feel a sense of place
If you found me there, if there was a way to meet me Could I follow you? No, I could never take your hand completely.
No nothing’s wrong- I told myself I would be strong but I let it slip away. Hey would you say the only way to get there is to fall Tumble to the day?
This song was from a dream. Mostly at the moment I only write songs when I hear them in dreams which can be annoying because I don’t always want to wake up. But I usually do, just in case there is some meaning behind it.
A bigger problem though is that dream songs have some added dimension that can’t be captured…. kind of like they are being sung from all directions at once- or there is some kind of harmony but not any harmony that can be replicated…. it is just like there is an additional dimension somehow that creates a feeling of infinite spaciousness, but when you wake up that dimension is gone & all you can write down are the melody and words. I suppose you could try to replicate that other quality with a children’s choir & orchestra, but I am lactose intolerant.
Take a step into the silence Smell the air- the scent of violence To close your eyes & tell us all what you see.
A single bird on the tallest tree now From all directions a harmony Somehow I know- we must follow his lead.
‘Yes I flew up to the tallest tree O do you see me there? Hellow it’s me- I have been watching you I am the reason you cried.
I alone am the crown of kings I am the god of birds and little things You oughtta know by now I’ll be the reason you die.
I fell down. I was saved. I was thrown. In a pauper’s grave.’
Wading now into the water Oh my god, are you my father? A little boy crying there at your feet.
The waters clear & the pictures come now From all directions the boys will drum now A sea of men blowing into the creek.
‘Look again into the tallest tree And you will see me there- bow to me I have been watching you I am the reason you cried.
I alone am the crown of kings I am the god of birds and little things You oughtta know by now I’ll be the reason you fly.
I fell down. I was saved. I was thrown. In a pauper’s grave.
I hope this is a video where I sing the song thru to the end rather than messing up in the middle & stopping, but I can’t bring myself to watch it and find out. The worst part of music (beside the technology) is having to think about, look at, and listen to yourself. I can’t really deal with that, so as much as possible, I don’t. I hate having to consider the impression I make on others & have a hard time doing it anyway, since I don’t know how others think.
Some people enjoy sculpting their self-image. For many musicians this seems to be a big part of their job. I think that is why I avoided music for so long, because I didn’t want to have to think about or promote myself anymore. But now I don’t, so its cool. I can stay in my own world.
The way the media portrays it, the essence of femininity is an obsession with one’s own image, but- for the average women- I think this is far from true. If anything, women have a diminished sense of self and increased sensitivity to things around them. Their focus on appearance is mostly a shield against the negative judgments of their value which they have been trained to fear since birth. And I don’t think these judgments come from men but are really a media creation.
I feel like a dork talking about the media, but at the same time I don’t know if you can overstate the influence Hollywood & its sister industries have had on our collective mind. They have truly seized control of the collective imagination- how we see life, what we think it is about. This is tragic, because the spell they cast is a dark one which seems consistently designed to make people devalue themselves & life.
And they are the one part of our society which is consistently misogynistic as though they are led by people who specifically have it in for women. They objectify women and see women in their natural role as worthless. The only way women can redeem themselves is either by 1. being a perfect object that many men want to have sex with (in real life being a perfect object & having a lot of opportunities for sex are probably not very related, but the media links these together so females will see being hit on as a sign of validation) or 2. being able to do masculine things as well or better than men. Both of which, for most women, are going to be unfulfilling.
I don’t think people realize the impact this has. When women complain about being objectified, men don’t seem to understand where they are coming from or exactly how deep the wound can be. They see it as an attack on men. “Hey, I’m a man, I like to look! Sue me! (Snort snort).” They see women focusing on their appearance and then asking not to be objectified and the whole thing seems quite hypocritical. In reality, men objectifying women isn’t the problem. Perhaps they aren’t even doing this. We’ll never know. The real problem is women objectifying themselves.
The problem with women believing that their value and power comes from their appearance is, of course, that it cuts them off from their true source of power and has them searching for water in a place where no water is to be found. In a natural state women retain the connection to those forces which created us and the memory of what we were before birth. Without female energy in the world, we become disconnected from our source and start a desperate search for something to replace it. We forget that we are immortal & the world is full of magic. Life becomes flat and dry. So many of the psychological problems in the modern world are related to the degradation of women. Women are the essence of depth but we have turned them into the essence of shallowness.
What is my point? I don’t know. I don’t mean to sound all goddessy- I don’t even like that stuff. But I see that people suffer mentally from the fact that our collective imagination is ruled by a heartless masculine cartel. As I’ve expressed many times, there is nothing I love more than masculine warriors, but ruling the collective imagination is not their proper place.
Mostly I just wanted to say sorry if the video is messed up.
Lyrics….
It was nearly close to sunset And the air it was swimming with flies They were swatted without regret As I laughed by his side
Dancing in the palm of his hand- fire Dripping through the blood in his veins I need to keep walking I can’t get tired Falling back again and again
Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river
First his shadow fell upon me Then he held my little hand in the fire So I tried to lift my eyes up But I was tired
Dancing on the back of my eyes now People always said he was gay But I saw him slip into the White Palm That was a good day.
Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river
Suddenly the trees begin to smile Twirl me on the pavement for a while You couldl give him one more chance After that I’m on my own.
Sink your fingers deep into the red Ringing in the air around my head You couldl give me one more chance After that I’m on my own.
Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river
Not much time until the sunset Just keep moving for a little more while Though he killed you without regret Still he always had the heart of a child
Dance into the river of regret Dance into the river of pain Dance into the aquador where we met That was a good day.
Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river
