Okay I was underachieving a little harder than normal today with this picture.
Like a piece of string dangling in something you wrote Hanging there on a chair in the darkness and oh Feel the clouds rushing in and I start to feel hazy
So I think about you like a drink in my mind Stir it round pour it down and im wondering why With your eyes to the side make me feel like I’m crazy
With your hair and the palm of your hand If you wanted to I could believe. All the things that nobody can teach you You learn when you’re down on your knees.
You were lost in a world where the pieces don’t fit Break a bottle in anger and stare at the bits Beams of light on the stage casting diamonds so dreamy
Break a piece of a candle to hold in your mind Your whole face is a mask no one knows what’s behind But for now hold it down in the darkness we’re dreaming
There it stood open three feet between us A whole world that nobody knew. Close my eyes, maybe I could be dreaming Cause sometimes I feel so confused.
When we step on the stage then we step in the war My mind breaks I don’t know how to think anymore Crumple down to the ground where the red lights are beaming
Say you won’t hurt me, the palm of your hand If you wanted to I could believe. All those things that we promise To hold in the darkness where no one can see.
In my mind you walk beside me in the sun Standing like a fire between myself and everyone. Hold me in your arms I feel the yellow falling down. You are my ground.
Brown. Orange. Packed. Worn. Product of the clay where you were born.
Then one day you push me and I‘m falling back. Rolling over, over down into the black. Open up my eyes to find a world of liquid blue. Where are you? There’s no ground.
Spinning now. Spinning around. Grasping for whatever seems to be the ground. Unknown. Scorned. Tossed away from clay you were born.
One day I will find my way to solid shore. Fingers sinking into mud scared no more Sinking into earth is where the body can renew. My earth is you.
Strong. Sad. Sometimes crazy sometimes mad. Fighting one day overcome and soar Far away from clay where you were born.
These plates, called “Friendly Village” (which I don’t own) were the inspiration for this song. There is something so romantic about plates, especially when they contain pictures framed in brown designs. The color brown itself is so dreamy. It represents that ideal you are always reaching for but can never find…. security, home.
His hands upon me I was spun around. Tripping over my feet through the softly fading town
Brother no… nobody leads the way Brother no… nobody leads the way
He turns towords me when the evening shines His hands upon my head I’ll wait until my time
Brother no….. nobody leads the way Brother no….. nobody leads the way
First it seems to be a no go Then he tells you things will fade away All the while the winds begin to blow And so you stumble on the way
I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love This is just a matter of fact I try putting all my thoughts in a line although This will never bring him back.
His arm around my neck I start to smile We’ll watch the clouds pass by just for a little while
Brother oh…… I’ll let you lead the way Brother oh…. I’ll let you lead the way
First it seems to be a rainbow Then he tells me it’s a cloud of gray All the while the fog begins to grow so you will Wander through the day
I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love This is just a matter of fact I try putting all my thoughts in a line although This will never bring him back.
He holds me up against the wall til I can fly Scenes of peaceful villages fade in & out of mind
Brother no… I’ll let you lead the way Brother no… I’ll let you lead the way.
First he tells you its a no no Then he tells me I must seize the day All the while the clouds begin to grow And they grow colder on the way
I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love. This is just a matter of fact. I try putting all my thoughts in a line although This will never bring him back.
I have been meaning to publish this for a month but I hate dealing with images of myself so much that I always procrastinate. Hearing myself sing makes me feel weird too.
Also, things have been so strange recently that I haven’t been able to play music until today, when finally I climbed back into being myself.
2020 was a weird year for many people due to all these bad planets forming a single mega-planet in the grim sign of Capricorn. It had been a dark year for me filled with many fears, mostly relating to money, marriage, totalitarian governments and eternal boredom. When I realized a couple of these planets were about to be moving into Aquarius- breaking up this monster after a year of total darkness- I got a little carried away with celebrating & think I accidentally got possessed by something in the process.
Which is why I have spent the last month setting up my Cardano stake pool & promoting it, trying to get people to stake, helping them with technical difficulties etc. If you knew me, you would realize how completely out of character this is. I would wake up in the morning, start watching tech videos & be at it- learning and helping others- until 5 am. Suddenly it was really easy for me to learn & understand these things. I found them interesting. It was very odd considering how much I hate all things tech. I can barely bring myself to record my own songs.
Eventually though, I was so different from my regular self that I started to get worried. I was so mental- basically 100% brain. I couldn’t even relate to the idea of ever having been a musician. Plus, I couldn’t turn it off. Solving tech problems & learning from dusk till dawn. I started to feel like the girl in that fairy tale who puts on dancing shoes that make her dance until she drops dead.
So, I tried to do an intervention on myself. I took down all the Aquarian things I had hung up on my walls so they are blank pink slates again. A few days later, I am starting to go back to normal. Luckily, I seem to have retained what I learned, so maybe I can be myself AND a tech zillionaire.
As you know, dying of poverty has been one of my dominant fears over the past few years, so to have hope of a different future feels…. well, it feels like the darkness has ended. And hope is actually what Aquarius stands for.
I LOVE YOU AQUARIUS! I’M SORRY FOR ALL THE BAD THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU IN THE PAST!! Thank you for being my friend.
Live in a sea of broken glass Pieces were shining everywhere Somebody turned to walk around Somebody watching from the stairs
Pick up the piece to find you Has this always been your face? Pick up the piece behind you Has this always been your face?
Watching the moonlight dripping down Watching the starlight spin away Everything moves around and round Never a way to make you stay
Pick up the piece to find you Has this always been your face? Pick up the piece behind you Has this always been your face?
Mirrors were broken on the ground Pick up a piece to keep me sound You leave the room and then you’re gone Watching the walls spin round & round
How can I not believe in you? You were the one man standing there Everyone knows the things you do But underneath it all you care
Swim in a sea of broken glass Throwing the rainbows on the wall Breathing so hard I have to gasp Caught in the ecstasy I fall
Pick up the piece to find you Has this always been your face? Pick up the piece behind you Has this always been your face?
I feel like I am trapped in a man’s body. Not my physical body, but like there is a giant man around me, a crusty man suit, which I must wear to deal with the outside world. It is so heavy. But I need to act like a man so people can understand me. Men do not understand women, in my experience. You must put everything in manguage so they can hear it. If you want to seem intelligent you must seem heavy & thick. Women can understand you regardless, but I must be a man around them as well, because women need men, and I feel responsible for taking care of them.
It would feel selfish not to be a man. Lift heavy logs, stroke egos, be boring & responsible. This is my moral programming. Above all- be crusty. My feminine self doesn’t even want to be nice to people- it would prefer people being nice to me. My man self doesn’t care how it is treated though. You can break giant logs over his head and it will not deter him from trying to care for you.
My feminine self does not understand the things people say. People seem to talk in puffy word clouds, with their words having no specific meaning. Men do this especially. They puff out words & the words have that intelligent aura, but when you try to boil them down, you cannot find anything specific they are saying at all! I don’t know how to process that.
Most of the concepts people throw around mean nothing to me- love, compassion, forgiveness, goodness, kindness, equality… what are these things? Once again, they feel like clouds, positively charged, commonly used to obscure something nasty. They evoke fear in me. When you see empty positivity, you can be certain its opposite- tangible negativity- is not far behind. Why do people blow these words around? Do people wake up in the morning thinking “Equality. Compassion. Heal the World?” Or are these concepts only used when others are listening?
I don’t understand books either, though I try. I open them to a random page, read the first sentence, and realize this will be unbearable. I can tolerate children’s books- so long as there are no morals involved- and also simple autobiographies- so long as they aren’t written by writers. I detest the puffy way writers write. I guess I have real issues regarding words.
Though I wish I could be real around people, I can’t. My real self is needy, weak, pathetic. Semi-retarded. The opposite of what anyone needs. I must be peoples Knight in Shining Armor. I must protect them and be the one to take bullets. I must lift heavy logs & then retreat back into the woods with a sporty whistle. The lesbian lumberjack. It is so lonely though. There is too much of me and too little of anyone else.
But also there is none of me and too much of everyone else.
Technically there are other people in my life but they feel… predictable. They rarely say or do anything I could not have thought of myself. I wish people were more surprising and could open doors to new realities. I wish books could do the same, but I can’t find these books.
Of course, I mostly connect with others in a mental fashion. In physical life, I bet people are surprising. Robbing banks, anal sexing their cousins…
But the mental realm tends towards dullness. It may be the average person just doesn’t have much to say beyond recirculating group mind concepts. Talk to a few people & it can feel as though you have talked to them all.
Perhaps emotional relationships are the answer. What does this mean though? I think the essence of emotion is to give of yourself. To take a risk. To make a sacrifice. There must be some transfer of bodily fluids, at least on a symbolic level, or relationships are pointless. Social media does not make this easy though. In many cases you have no idea who you are interacting with and just opening up a vein does not seem advised. In real life, exchanging fluids is now illegal since it spreads disease.
Nonetheless there is something about giving of oneself, in a meaningful way, that magically opens the door between people enabling you to see through their eyes and know things you could never have known. I am not sure if words alone can do this. I guess that is why people used to sacrifice animals to the Divine- spilling living fluid to open up a portal beyond what prayer can do.
I am glad we don’t sacrifice animals anymore, but still the principle applies. Blood, sweat, tears, something liquid must spill or else nothing truly new can ever break through into this world.
One disturbing trend I have noticed recently is the re-emergence of the word Karen after a few months of lying low.
The first time I heard this word it gave me chills, despite it’s mild exterior. It raises so many questions.
Why- at a time when speech is being suppressed left and right- do we need a slur for people who want to talk to the manager (aka someone willing to question authority)?
Why is this slur directed at the sex which generally has the hardest time being assertive to begin with?
Why did they choose a name that sounds so much like Caring? Why did they choose a mother of eight to be the face of this slur?
Why are slurs being invented to specifically target white women at the exact time when using slurs against other groups will cost you your job and reputation?
Is it a coincidence that this slur came to prominence right before mandatory masking & social distancing began? First you are shamed for being voicy, then measures are taken which make it physically difficult to have one. Now you can only communicate through social media- and they clamp down harder on free speech everyday.
If there was ever a time we needed women who care enough to speak out, it would be now.
And still it is peculiar that they choose to target females. Why? I think there are several reasons…
1. Women are probably more suggestive and susceptible to shaming.
2. Women are the primary communicators of the human race. Men generally take bold action *after* a period of females expressing dissatisfaction with the status quo. Women are birds who control the flow of information through the group mind.
3. If you can get men to start using the word Karen & denigrating women with voices then BAM their balls fall off. Because it seems to me that displaying some degree of gallantry* towards women is necessary for men to access their full masculine powers. So by getting men to sneer at ‘Karens’ you have managed to emasculate men & muzzle women in one swoop.
* I would like to clarify what I mean about gallantry since it has, in my mind, two divergent meanings. One form of gallantry is when men court women in a flowery fashion. This is frequently accompanied by anger if women do not respond in the desired way or conduct themselves in a manner that men consider feminine.
What I mean by gallantry is closer to tolerance. I believe men should give women a long leash to be themselves & speak their minds despite the fact that it may cause men discomfort. The fact that women are weaker than men makes them more sensitive instruments. They know things men can’t know & perceive things men can’t perceive. Without the unfiltered insights of women, it seems doubtful that men can achieve true wisdom.
Women need this intersex communication as well, because men’s minds seem to have extra connection points to physical reality which enable them to turn perceptions & nebulous things into practical courses of action.
And the key to this process is men being manly enough to be able to take women in their unfiltered state. The true danger to a man is not a Karen, but a woman who plays to his ego, causing it to swell with infected pus. Other than this flattery based trickery, men don’t generally have much to fear from women. So why NOT let women exist outside of man made judgments? This may be the only thing which prevents men from boring themselves to death.
So please, in conclusion, may all humans recognize the role of women as the birds & barometers of the human race & refuse to take part in shaming them into a deadly silence.
I haven’t been able to write much recently, because something has made me non-verbal. I am worried about what is going on with the government & the worldwide response to corona virus which seems blown so far out of proportion from our normal responses to disease and death, that it is hard not to fear something nefarious is going on.
I also feel distressed that some seem to revel in the shutdowns. I suppose my faith in humanity tends to wax and wane and right now it is at a waning point. During the waning times, it is harder to speak, because what is the point in speaking if there are no sincere people to hear you?
I was expecting things to grow darker this spring as Neptune moved into the third and darkest phase of Pisces. In the second phase, which we have been living through for the past 4-5 years, the public grows infantile & self-serving, emotional & out of touch with reality. The good part is that it is a time when people are too lazy & pathetic to do much damage.
But in the third phase of Pisces, that changes. Now Pisces begins to pick up force and momentum, yet it is still insane, like a person whose body has woken up while their mind remains dreaming. The last time Neptune passed through Pisces’s third phase was when the civil war began.
So it is hard for me to look at what is happening, the words which don’t make since, the explanations which always morph and never add up, without fearing that something scary could be afoot.
Perhaps though, this is simply Neptune in Pisces’ third phase playing its tricks on my mind. Neptune colors our perceptions of life and in its third phase can fill us with irrational fear. Perhaps that is why it is so easy for people to be respond to corona virus with a level of horror they have never shown for far more dangerous diseases.
Anyway, let’s hope for the best and that we soon return to the old ways. Let’s hope this does not result in a permanent restriction of our freedoms. Let’s hope it never dampens our desire to mix and get dirty with other humans.
Here are the lyrics:
When I don’t listen you hold a pillow over my face til I do. That’s why I don’t think you will ever love me now- you’ll find somebody new.
And I swear I wouldn’t care so long as you felt it was wrong to just grab me by the neck and throw me up against a wall but when i ask you bout it you tell me that you don’t want to pop but the crying noise just has to stop.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see a world that’s black with men as white as stars. Just like a globe that I could shake and shake each time that things have gone too far.
Something I could hold just like a globe inside my hands So I shake it and I shake it- oh look here comes a man But he is trapped inside the globe- he’s only one inch high There is no place to run and hide.
Give it just a little more time. This may only be in your mind. There’s no way to say what is real and what is make believe you know. Look at all the stars in the sky, girl. You could find a way to get high, girl. You could fly away into a state of ecstasy and glee you know.
I know I will stay. Life- lay your hand on me and guide me on my way.
I stay up late at night and make a list of ways to make you love me more. I know it won’t succeed cause men they only love the ones they’re fighting for.
And I’d do anything on earth if you would fall in love with me But there are things I can’t control, I don’t know what you want to see. The only thing I know for sure is that you like to be alone But either way, you are my home.
Please realize that if Slippers looks round it is because I recently discovered she has been breaking into the food bag to feast every time we leave the house. She lives for food, whereas Patton has to be coaxed into eating.
Also please realize there are bits of paper everywhere because Patton is in a phase where he shreds paper at every opportunity. Thank you.
