5 Bright Stars- that I’ve never seen before Step by step- walking on the checkerboard, you know Some things get easier with time Blood flows much easier when I know the blood is mine.
5 Dark Knights- sleeping underneath the skies Toss and turn- thinking of the way you died, I can’t Describe what is left of me more delicate than a lace Hold me in your hand then let me slip into the wind and watch me fly.
Sometimes the sky is filled with eyes.
5 Small Boys- I saw them inside a dream Step by step- but the checkerboard was green, you know They never cried they were a bubble in the air Flying in the wind they never knew that you were there all of the time.
They were oblivious to the feeling of your eyes.
Step by step- walking to the rabbit hole And there I will forget, slip into a black so fine That you were there with me when every wind was filled with time.
They say the rain will play that song again You know the way it will go. To feel his net within my mind again I’ll lead the way even so.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you walk to the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you walk to the window and you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think they’re reforming you man?
I feel the baker take her time again Stir slow, stir slow all of the corn. Green fields appear within my mind again Grow slow, grow slow, only born.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you’ll walk to the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remain the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you’ll walk to the window and you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think that they’re reforming you man?
You know the way to pull that cold from me Pull hard, pull hard, pull with your hand. My hair was rope inside your hand, you see Pull hard, pull hard see if you can.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you’ll walk to the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you’ll walk to the window and you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think they’re reforming you man?
Summer is over. I feel so sad. It was beautiful, all the green and sun melting everything down. I gave myself those three months to live as an idiotic welfare queen while adjusting to single life. Summer is all about hearts and love. I wish it could last forever.
But now comes the fall. A time for brains and being serious. Its color will be blue. I’m afraid I won’t cut it in this crisp new world. Only 9 months until the women’s shelter stops paying for my home. I need good ideas to enter my brain, but they don’t.
I haven’t crisped yet. I’m trying but the sun is still hot and yellow, melting brains down and hearts feel like fire. The sky is so blue, the EBT cupcakes so delicious. Everything green and frothy. I want to roll in the grass like a pig.
The world is a green paradise but beneath it a dark soil of fear, pain and panic. I bat it down with stress gummies & cough syrup. I say “It is what it is” when disturbing thoughts enter. This locks them in a magical box. I can’t face life head on yet. I’m not safe.
And until I get smart I won’t be safe. I need to think clearly and formulate a plan. But life is a bowl of puzzles and I can’t solve one of them. The second I use my brain I start to cry. I feel like my initial goal of becoming a millionaire this fall is not going to happen.
So I’m choosing a smaller goal. To become a good communicator and learn how to clearly express my needs and desires. To express my will. Which is hard because I’m not always sure if I have one.
When you’re a wife, you don’t need a will. Being willess is almost an asset since it gives you increased flexibility like a body with no bones. But then fate dumps you on the streets and you are expected to have a will. A will as strong as any man’s. People don’t realize wills can’t pop up overnight like a forest.
The only time I am sure of my will is when I am hungry or in extreme pain. Cause I have the will to survive. But even then speaking up on behalf of myself feels like sticking my hand in a blender. I am terrified of displeasing the people around me. This isn’t the same as wanting people to like me. I’m willing to be hated to give the people what they want. Cause sometimes they want a bad guy. They would generally prefer to keep the good guy role for themselves.
Wanting to please & wanting to live up to social expectations are two different worlds. People are rarely in the mood to admire someone. More commonly they need someone to feel superior to. This is where I excel.
I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. Throwing myself under the bus to appease a hot spot in someone else’s psyche. If a friend needed to feel fast, I’d pretend to be slow. I’d lose contests on purpose so the other person could win. I’d perform horribly in plays so someone special in the audience could have the satisfaction of knowing I sucked. I don’t know why. Its just this feeling of terror that I can only be safe by giving people what they want.
I have my finger in the undercurrent of every dynamic. It makes me act strange because those undercurrents are intense. They are made up of things people don’t want to acknowledge. When you touch them they cause weird things to leap out of your mouth as though you are possessed. Like a touching a wire. But I need to release that underlying pressure to feel safe. If there is an undercurrent of anger I try to be the person it can be released upon. Then things feel safe again.
I don’t know how to stop doing this. So I’ll put that puzzle back in the bowl for now. And focus on the immediate task. To clearly express my needs and the desires to the extent that I am aware of them. Even when it seems certain to lead to pain and disaster. Perhaps as I express these bits of will, larger chunks of will will start drifting into my consciousness.
Every morning I’ll tell myself that as I speak up for myself, new doors open for me.
Two blue stones that I’ll keep in my pocket. I hope they teach me how to express myself.Hillbilly diamonds found on a sidewalk. I hope they’ll make me rich.Vines climb a barbed wire fence. I wish I could climb it too and reach those lights on the other side.
Mama I ain’t gonna lie. I gone done bad things.Feeding bits of stick to ducks at night. Summer is so woozy. But you don’t see the bad part. I got here on a motorcycle. Somebody help me.
Hi…. You know I am realizing one of my huge problems in life is being too hyper and impatient. I can’t bear taking more than 5 minutes to record a song & during that time I also managed to destroy a frying pan I really loved by setting it on fire, losing one bowl of macaroni and cheese by dropping it on the floor, one box of straws by dropping it on floor and breaking my headphones all because I couldn’t resist trying to eat dinner and record at the same time. And I melted a grill lighter on a lit stovetop.
The world was cold there was no easy place. The world was flat nowhere to hide. The winds would blow in a disorienting way, Then they’d grow still from time to time.
The people run to you with smiles upon their faces Then they twirl and disappear into a hat. You were supposed to know which words were true And which ones you should not believe but how could you know that?
The grass was green a checkerboard that never ended. The men were tall and thin like stilts. They danced so fancy with their bodies twirled and bended Then they’d tip their hat and like a leaf they’d wilt.
They left green hearts upon the grass where you could see them But it wasn’t clear what any of them meant. Reach down to touch one and it disappears beneath your hand But maybe that was never their intent.
The sun would rise while you were still asleep To fill the air with yellow clowns. Their yellow faces through your sleepy eyes looked queer And so you’d close your eyes and lie back on the ground.
You’d wait til noon when you could see the men come running On their skinny legs beneath the happy sun. Maybe I’ll watch them dance and clap for them for one more day A seal inside their yellow tent of fun.
But when the night came there was no relief. It poured down like a jet black wave. You shook with cold and an emotion much like grief As though your feelings made a difference to a bear inside his cave.
The stars were shining but too far away to hear you And the greatest bear was nowhere to be found. You tried to think there must be something that you missed But all your thoughts would squirt then dribble to the ground.
So close your eyes and let the memories come back To spread like ink upon a page. It could be that life is just a dream that we can’t understand And you must lie unmoving while the stars dance in their cage.
