Well, I finally forced myself to do an esp journal to see what is going on above my head and it appears the newest thing is that I have a lot of secret enemies, who appear like colored clouds floating above my head, some with lightning bolts contained within the cloud but not striking. I guess they are just waiting for the right time.
Astrologically I have been having a transit (Pluto on Mercury)* which causes a person to speak more forcibly & creates secret enemies since being outspoken alienates people, while seeming forceful motivates them to oppose you in sneaky ways rather than openly.
I used to have people attacking me directly all the time. “You’re the dumbest person I ever met.” “Who wants to hear a nazi singing?” etc etc. It was constant, probably because while I expressed opinions I also tried to be overly nice, making me an easy target. Then I became friends with a bunch of feminists who would constantly go ballistic on people and that started to get me more comfortable with the idea of standing up for myself. The feminists scorned those who coddled male egos, calling them ball palmers & hand maidens. This inspired me to stop my incessant ass kissing. Which caused me to lose most of my male friends.
Now, a year or so later, people open direct fire on me much more rarely. But not because they like me better. Just because they are waiting for their moment to Ceasar me. In many cases I know their identities. But one of the great mysteries of life has always been what you are supposed to do if you know someone is going to commit a crime that they haven’t yet committed? You can’t exactly punish them ahead of time. And if you start cutting people off for things they haven’t yet done, everyone will assume you are paranoid. But just sitting on your hands & waiting for someone to murder you also seems pretty lame.
A few years ago I didn’t even believe in enemies, although looking back, I definitely had them. Just the word enemies would have seemed a bit dirty to me. In fact I still feel pangs of guilt for using such an unladylike word rather than pretending that we are All One. But whatever. God devoted 2 out of his 12 starry houses to them and I am sure he knew what he was doing.
Sometimes enemies may even be preferable to friends because they encourage cunning & self reliance rather than bleeding yourself out for approval. You don’t have to merge with your enemies or give them 3/4 of your sandwich. Unless of course they are pretending to be your friends and you are going along with it, unsure of what else to do.
This past year has been all about females, but this coming year I hope to interact with more males because I feel they have the type of knowledge I need. They don’t seem to lose a sense of their individual identity in the way that women do.
* In case you care about astrology, technically Pluto is sextiling my Mercury. I don’t share the popular opinion that sextiles are positive.
My view on sextiles is that they give you baby challenges which allow you to learn important lessons in a relatively safe setting. For example, the enemies I currently deal with pose no mortal threat to me. (I hope.) If I wanted to I could dismiss them as being too trivial to care about. If I did this, however, I would not learn lessons which will be vital when Pluto squares Mercury. During squares & opposition, failure has real consequences.
Therefore, I always take the events of sextiles seriously- at least from a learning perspective- and try to get things right, so I will be ready when life gets real.
I haven’t felt capable of writing in here for a while because all these heavy things have been hanging over my head. Literally. Gray clouds & brown boxes. Bars & tubes stuck into my skull, driving me insane.
I assume the gray clouds are depressive thoughts of which I’m not consciously aware. The boxes probably contain psychic junk I have been suppressing. The metal bars extend to various people & represent the pressure I feel to please them. The hollow tubes contain thoughts & perspectives pumped directly into my head.
At least I think this is the case. I haven’t taken the time to carefully dig into these things because there is just too much heavy stuff there & it feels unbearably tedious to sift through it all.
So it has been sitting there, having a slightly discouraging effect upon me, making me doubt the value of anything I could express and also the value of those I would be expressing to.
It hasn’t been the best time ever when it comes to relationships.
For starters James has been going through the darkest period a man lives through in a 264 period (Pluto on moon) also known as the Wife Beating transit. And I’ve been stuck in a house with him night & day.
Secondly, the political situation- shutdowns etc- has me on edge. I feel nervous that you are expected to accept the government’s increasing control without question. I can’t bring myself to wear a mask- because I believe something sketchy is underway- and this makes me seem like an asshole to others. And people already think I am an asshole for supporting Trump which bums me out as well.
But the fact is basic freedoms- such as free speech & the ability to live life on my own terms- are very important to me. I don’t want to live in North Korea. And this makes me a nazi klansman in the eyes of most people I know, making me feel even more isolated.
And on a personal level these past months have released a series of events which made me realize most people I believed to be friends were actually enemies from the beginning. All this has me doubting how many good people actually exist in the world. Is everyone your enemy once you get to know them? Or am I just doing something majorly wrong?
Regardless though, I know I must push through these gray clouds & attempt to express myself, if only to provide balls for my enemies’ cannons.
Because I do believe in life. I know there is a higher purpose and our actions matter. We have to place our faith in doing the right thing, letting the chips fall where they may when it comes to peoples’ reactions.
And I also believe in people because they are made in Life’s image. Still this faith is a muscle I have to consciously exercise. I think the most important part of writing is summoning in your mind an image of an ideal audience that you are writing to. People who are caring, interested, thoughtful…. whatever qualities excite you. These imaginary people become your muse.
Sometimes you imagine specific people have these qualities and you make them your muse. Sometimes you find out they never had those qualities to begin with and it feels as though a piece of your muse has been lost. I guess that is what has been happening to me.
But then you summon your faith again and once again imagine a beautiful golden blob of humanity dangling above your head, filled with endless possibility. People so inviting you want to tell them everything.
Since I am in the process of updating & readjusting the songs on my various albums, I wanted to save this version here, along with my explanation of magicians & how they are formed below…
At first this was going to be two separate albums: The Magician (songs about a magician) and Crazy 8s (songs about people being sacrificed, raped, and murdered). However, I have come to feel these albums are really one and the same, because it is the people who get raped and murdered who come back to life as magicians. Terror, shock, and horror are the parents of supernatural power. Why? I don’t know. I think of our souls as being minerals, transformed by circumstances good and bad. Circumstances sufficiently horrifying knock out a piece of our humanity and replace it with something animalistic, straight from nature. Or, to put a psychological spin on it, being overpowered creates an obsession with power. Being overpowered by forces outside our control leads to a desperate need to extend our sphere of control. And so we turn to the occult.
However, before you run out and try to get murdered, keep in mind that this process of going through a black hole (as I like to think of it) will generally not work out in your favor. If, on the other hand, you have already been murdered, you may as well embrace the changes that have occurred and try to make the best of it.
So, what is a magician? Someone who uses supernatural power, of course. And what is supernatural power? It is the power of nature- not just whales and recycled paper, but all the power, life force and emotion built into the material world. Including factories, plastics, atom bombs and everything we consider bad. To me, coal, oil, the soil of a graveyard at midnight, or the frightening feeling of walking through a dense forest after dark best capture the essence of this supernatural power. It is black, rich, without morals, and capable of anything.
This contrasts it with spiritual powers, which connect to the divine hierarchy to enact change in the world. Spiritual powers are subject to the many rules and regulations of divine will. On the spiritual planes, power is never separated from wisdom. There are spiritual forces with more wisdom than power, but never the reverse. Therefore, connecting to the spiritual realm for help is generally safe. Perhaps you will get no help at all, but you are unlikely to be harmed.
Supernatural powers- or black magic, as they are commonly known- have no built in safeties, however. The forces involved make no judgments as to what should or should not be. Therefore, the unwise, or (even worse) brave magician is almost certain to bring disaster on himself. The fact that his powers are borne of trauma, and he is likely filled with unresolved rage, terror, and confusion does not help at all. Most likely his powers will end up destroying his self and wreaking havoc on those around him. Think wife beaters, addicts, prostitutes… anyone whose life is filled with destructive black chaos… anyone with dark and obsessive emotions they cannot control.
So make it your goal to avoid going through one of these black holes, if possible. The best way is to stay safe and not put yourself in harm’s way. When that is not an option, the second best choice is to fight as hard as you can. Whether it is a human or natural cause that is trying to take you down, if you try your best to win and defeat your enemies, no matter the outcome, you will come back stronger. Even if you are killed in a bar fight, so long as you fight your very hardest, you will not be sent through a black hole but instead be reborn as a man with giant muscles. No matter what the odds are, always pretend you have a chance, and fight accordingly. Do your best to crush your enemies and reach for the golden victory. Hold nothing back.
If, however, you have already been through a black hole (many are sent through as children, when they are too naive and trusting to know they should fight), the best thing you can do is to try to gather enough golden wisdom to balance out your black power. Gold is a dry and uplifting color that will drain out some of the seethingness and connect you to the angels.
So at any rate, these are songs about magic, magicians, and the color black.
In your hand was the green and it felt like the dream that you wanted for me. You were muscular yes so I gave you my best still your hand held the key.
And I pleaded, because I want to feel needed to be broken and bleeded by something so bright. Like you found me, your arms wrapped around me the sun shining down me, I’m covered in light.
And you eyes like the sky spinning blue round the mind that you opened for me. Warming up to your smile gazing back for a while still your hand held the key.
And you taught me to learn how to cower to be overpowered by something so bright. I conceded because I want to feel needed to be broken and bleeded and covered in light.
With your hands on my arms, have I been here before? With your hand in my mouth and a light through the door? There’s no need to scream, there’s no need to escape he is pushing me through space.
Though the asphalt was cracked still I leapt like a dragonfly smiling inside. You gave me butterfly wings all the beautiful things that you grow when you hide.
Like a flower, to be overpowered to learn how to cower and crush in the night. In the doorway, your shadow before me until there’s no more me, I’m covered in light.
A king sliced cruelly in two- the sexual fantasy of Pluto in Capricorn.
Have you noticed people being much angrier than usual in recent years and that this anger is generally directed towards government, authority figures, statues, rich people and anyone who holds a position of prestige in society?
Astrologically, this is due to Pluto moving through the sign of Capricorn, which it entered in 2008 and will remain in until 2024. Pluto is the planet which causes repressed rage to rush to the surface and it is currently surfacing repressed emotions of a Capricornian nature.
Capricorn rules authority, career, fame, respect and success. Having a place in society. Being somebody. So basically this is a time when all pent up feelings relating to an inability to be someone who matters are bubbling to the surface.
This is why, currently, the angriest people are frequently those who work in fields where it is quite difficult to achieve a position of respect and stability- music, the arts, restaurants etc. Feeling unable to fulfill their Capricornian urges, they prefer to watch things burn to the ground as a form of catharsis.
From a rational perspective, it is quite likely that ‘toppling the system’ would place these people in a much WORSE positions. But Pluto is not a rational planet. He is famous for being willing to destroy himself so long as he can take down others in the process. He is known for lashing out blindly at anyone who makes him feel his inner anguish.
The best way to deal with Pluto however, is not to take your frustrations out on statues and Jeff Bezos, but rather become aware of buried feelings & motivations. You want to BE that noble statue. You want to BE that powerful rich guy. But wrong ideas have led you to believe this is impossible so you comfort yourself by believing these things are your enemies rather than your own secret desires.
Don’t despair though. You are in luck, because it is actually quite simple to find the sense of importance you are seeking and the sign of Capricorn can show you how.
You see, seeking respect in the eyes of others is actually a warped expression of Capricorn. What Capricorn actually stands for is the ability to build something of value. Something you can take pride in. Something that makes the world a better place. Frequently this will cause people to become respected by others but that is just a side effect. The sense of worth Capricorn seeks actually comes from the work itself- never from how others regard you. And working towards something meaningful is within the grasp of every person.
It matters not how privileged you are, nor if the work of your hands be grand or humble. Capricorn favors the poor, so a poor person who manages to save the life of one turkey is just as important in his eyes as the billionaire who runs an endangered species preserve.
The important thing is to consider what you feel you should give to the world and then get to work giving it. It could be anything. Making people smile. Raising kids. Learning to live off the land. Translating obscure Greek texts. Learning how to get rich. Anything which requires you to make an effort is worthy.
There are a couple dumb ideas in circulation though, which I feel need to be cleared up so that people realize how easy it actually is to be someone of value.
DUMB IDEA #1 You need to do the thing you love.
This is a definite no. Capricorn rules your life’s work and he is by no means the sign of fun and pleasure. He is a sign of virtue, hard work, duty and sacrifice. So forget about your “bliss.” Consider what you feel you SHOULD do, what you COULD do, what you secretly suspect may be your calling even if it seems a bit odd or out of step with how you normally think about yourself.
Worry not as to whether or not your calling seems enjoyable or torturous. If you believe it is meaningful, then welcome pain, boredom & tedium with open arms. Activities done in a spirit of duty tend to become more pleasurable over time.
DUMB IDEA #2 You need to make money doing the thing you love.
This is an even worse idea which greatly limits a person’s ability to contribute. Capricorn is about what you GIVE to society. Not what you RECEIVE. Sometimes a person’s vocation and avocation may be the same thing, but frequently they are not. In many cases, a person pours their money INTO their calling as opposed to receiving money from it.
Maybe you are called to befriend those in prison by writing them letters. Maybe you will open a Turkey Refuge for rescued thanksgiving turkeys and take a second job at McDonalds to fund your efforts. Consider famous people throughout history and you will see it is practically a minority who made their living off their famed contributions. Nobody paid Newton to discover gravity nor did Orpheus make money from trying to lead his true love out of hell.
Capricorn is about what you put into the world, not what you take out of it. Self-esteem comes from what you give to the world, not from what the world gives you.
So to summarize, if you are one of the people who finds themselves dissatisfied with the status quo, consider that this may be an expression of your own frustrated success drive. And consider that if you place your focus on your life’s work itself- however humble- that no one has the power to stop you from doing something meaningful and building an existence you can feel proud of. Maybe you will be a prisoner who inspires others with your creative prison cell decorations. Maybe you will be a prisoner who teaches other prisoners how to connect with Jesus. Maybe you will be a prisoner who heal’s broken hearts through your sexual touch. It is a certainty that no matter who you are and where you are there is something meaningful you can do.
And perhaps years down the road your contributions will be recognized and rewarded. But by the time this happens, you probably will not care anymore, because you have already found a way to find worth and meaning in your own efforts.
Personally, I think Capricorn tends to delay external rewards until a person reaches the point where they no longer seek them. Being celebrated & even appreciated too early in the process of walking one’s own path can have a warping effect, causing a person to subconsciously start playing to the crowd. And integrity to ones own vision + persistence upon one’s unique path are possibly the attributes the Crusty Goat likes best.
Like the string that brings the rain, you could feel him coming Like the rain was dripping down Overflowing for a while and no man could hold it They just watched it pouring down.
First his hands were on your face- maybe this is love? Then your head upon the ground With his shoe upon your face, time to close your eyes now Listen to the rain fall down.
Watch the window through the rain, hands upon your shoulders Watch the things you knew fall down First you feel a flash of pain, maybe this is love? Watch the world you knew fall down.
Pour your heart into his mind, read the figures in the wood There were things that you got right and some things misunderstood Watch for shadows that approach, darkened faces that draw close They’re the remnants of the fire; they’re the ones who love you most.
Like to watch the sky through lace, only for a moment You could fly away somehow Learn to watch the flow of days and the flow of moments Like the fear they’re dripping down.
Like to watch the sky through pain, only for a moment. You could fly away somehow Learn to watch the flow of days and the flow of moments Like the fear they’re dripping now.
They say the rain will play that song again
You know the way it will go.
To feel his net within my mind again
I’ll lead the way even so.
If you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man
You don’t know the way
If you want to say that they were wrong when they were barely born
Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly
First you’ll walk towards the window by my side
Water flowing through the drain and
Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go
First you’ll walk towards the window then you’ll know
Clouds are foaming in the blue and
Do you think that they’re reforming you man?
I feel the baker take her time again
Stir slow, stir slow all of the corn.
Green field appear within my mind again
Grow slow, grow slow, only born.
If you wanna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man
You don’t know the way.
If you wanna say that they were wrong, when they were barely born
Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly
First you’ll walk towards the window by my side
Water flowing through the drain and
Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go
First you’ll walk towards the window and you’ll know
Clouds are foaming in the blue and
Do you think that they’re reforming you man?
You know the way to pull that cold from me
Pull hard, pull hard, pull with your hand.
My hair was rope inside your hand, you see
Pull hard, pull hard see if you can.
If you wanna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man
You don’t know the way.
If you wanna say that they were wrong, when they were barely born
Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly
First you walk towards the window by my side
Water flowing through the drain and
Everything remains the same an
If you want to find the open road and go
First you’ll walk towards the window and you’ll know
Clouds are foaming in the blue and
Do you think that they’re reforming you man?
