Charleston, West Virginia men Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

Beautiful Man

Do you think that I could save you
If you aren’t even brave?
Do you remember when I found you
You were no more than a slave?

Driven round by two horses
Of indifference and desire.
You were laughing like a baby
You had not met the rectifier.

But every man will be tested
Every man is gonna bleed.
Line then up like horses
Bring them to their knees.

Yeah, every man gets tested
Is he a cheat a brute a liar?
And then they go back to the fire.

Look at you so tragic
A little tear drips down your face.
You’re crying now but only for yourself
And the trials you’ll have to face.

You’re figuring God is gonna skin you
He’s gonna wear you like a cape.
You’re noticing just how he laughs so hard
When the terror makes you shake.

But every man will be tested
Every man is gonna bleed.
He lines then up like horses
He brings them to their knees.

Yeah, every man gets tested
Is he a cheat a brute a liar?
And then they go back to the fire.

You know I want to love you
Your muscles and your arms.
You know the way I feel for you
I want to wear you like a charm.

But all the red is coming for you now
Down from heaven like a wave.
I’d sacrifice myself for you if I could
Beautiful man if there was a way.

But every man will be tested
Every man is gonna bleed.
Line then up like horses
Bring them to their knees.

Yeah, every man gets tested
Is he a cheat a brute a liar?
And then they go back to the fire.

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Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Red, Soldiers, & Fire

Please Don’t Hurt Me

Okay this is a song. I hope it sounds like one but I am too nervous to listen because this is my first attempt recording by myself which I have to do since I moved out on my own which is very sad and scary but by the end James was just screaming at me all the time that he was terrified of me and I was a psychopath and I made it so his brain didn’t work and he needed me gone so he could think and I didn’t really know what to do so finally I did what he wanted, just like I always did, and left.

I was already enrolled in a program through the women’s shelter to be placed somewhere so they are paying my rent for the first year. If it wasn’t for that I don’t know what I would have done. I don’t understand what is going on with James, if he is suffering from something or messing with me, but by the end restrictions had become so severe that it was a feat to accommodate him. I started to take pride in my ability to contort into more and more ridiculous positions.

The rules went from not being allowed to ask questions to not being allowed to speak. At all. Because one word from me could be so disruptive to his brain that he would be compelled to stay in bed for three weeks recovering and missing important meetings.

But the more I was expected to stay perfectly silent & calm the more he would amp up the behaviors most likely to upset me and make them more and more obvious, such as his romantic interactions with other women. By the end, I just accepted this and remained unmoved. It was the only option left.

And he was still allowed to speak of course, since he was not the terrifying psychopathic one. Every day he would unleash on me multiple times about how I had ruined his life, stopped his brain from working, lost him a billion dollars that very day etc. By the end, not talking & silently accepting everything was no longer good enough because by then my very presence threw him into a state of terror.

I moved out close to 2 weeks ago and at first just felt extremely sad about losing this perfect love. But as time moves on I am starting to see other things that make me feel other feelings. Like fear. At home I was not allowed to be afraid of him. Because I was the terrifying one.

Setting up the kitchen in my new home. I really hope this works out. I have to admit I felt much safer with James at the wheel.

Please don’t hurt me.
Please don’t let them do me harm.
If they try let them die
By your arm.

Please don’t let them touch what’s mine.
Please no sneaking behind my back.
And all the treasures they defile
Bring them back.

Let me fly God let me fly
Let me watch the world below.
Blood is flowing in the streets
Let it flow, let it flow.

Let me see God let me see
Give me eyes on every side
And when they come again for me God
Let them die.

Always thought your way was love, I never knew a thing.
God is not sweet words, a smile, a home, a diamond ring.
God is not the man who stands by you when you kneel down to pray.
He only stands behind you when you slay.

You wanted me to rise and sing
You wanted me so tall
To kick and spit and elbow when they had me gainst the wall.

You wanted me to scream and curse
And bite them in the dick
And not to care what other people think.

If God lives he lives through us
so rise up from your bed.
And let him place the crown upon your head.

Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies


Wake up to pounding fear
Water rush through my ear
What did I imagine from last night?

Down through the hall to creep
Move slow the baby sleeps
Feel the walls still quivering in fright.

How did I get so weak?
How to fall so low?
When at first it felt so good to be controlled?

Warm up a slice of pie
Step slow. The baby lies.
What did I imagine from last night?

Hold head and cover eyes.
Prepare for the sun to rise
Tell brain be steady and comply.

Cause if I defend myself
He’ll knock me down again
But at first, it felt like nothing to let him win.

God you said it was true love
Breathed so deep in my ear
If that wasn’t your voice then what did I hear?

Gaze through the window pain
Clouds dry, there willl be no rain.
Gaze through the future thin & blue.

Far past the cloudy skies
Past baby where he lies
There’s no point further out than you.

How did I get so dumb?
How’d I get so slow?
When at first it felt like faith to lose control?

Lift my head up off the floor.
Must continue on.
But my first mistake was believing in you God.

Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Plants and the Emerald Kingdom Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

The hill was high.

A song from a dream I had in which there were two hills- one that was really steep and I thought, well MAYBE I can climb that, but on top of that there was yet another hill that was practically straight up and down, and I knew climbing it would be impossible. But it looked so beautiful.

The hill was high, I couldn’t climb
though I knew you were there.
A world of green surrounded me
it stretched out everywhere.

So I got back in my car and drove
to try and find a home.
I thought of you, the whole way through
it made me feel alone.

I thought of you and of the field
with the hill that was so high.
A temple built to something
that lives only in the sky

Everything is always high
and always far away.
I tell myself I must never stop and
I will get there someday.

Many gods and many men
have lived upon a crest.
Though the clouds pass over all of them
it is you I like the best.

All these hills and all these gods
and each man has his own.
Except for me, a tiny breeze
still searching for a home.

A tiny breeze who when she flies
is cut down by the winds.
They slice my heart and splay it
like a butterfly and then

Then I can scale these hills, but even so
my shadow looms so small
that to you it was just the same as though
I was never there at all.

Big men shadow over me
there is no other way
than to watch them with admiring eyes
through a film of gray.

For me there can be no other way for me
than to lie back on the ground
and to let the dreams wash over me
until a home is found.

A home that could be anywhere,
a home so hard to find.
Oh God, but please let it be somewhere real
not somewhere in my mind.

Someplace real, someplace strong
mountainous and grave
nothing flimsy like a butterfly
with her wings upon your leg.

Everyone has gods upon
these hills where claddows* fly.
Except for me, I have only you
and only in my mind.

I reached for you, but there was no use
the world was large and green.
It stretched out wide and endlessly
like the sky within a dream.

And who am I, but a dot so small
that no one else could see
as you passed me by invisibly
your shadow touching me?

As you passed me by just like a plant
pressed flat upon the ground
just a thing too small to be cared about
when hills are all around.

* A claddow is a cloud shadow.

Download MP3: The Hill Was High

Me, in my favorite activity, going for a car ride. Unfortunately, I don’t have a license, so car rides are a luxury. If I did have one, I would drive all day long. All my dreams include a segment where I am driving without a license & start to panic that the cops will pull me over.

Charleston, West Virginia Politics

Tolerance is Natural, Respect is Too Much

In recent years, I feel like I have been constantly defending conservatives from unjust attacks, like the idea that they are ignorant, racist people who hate science and don’t care about children being murdered etc. I kept wondering where all this hatred for conservatives was coming from, and was close to concluding that conservatives are actually just better, more open minded people than liberals are.

However, after coming out of the closet as an astrologer, I began to notice dark red beams being sent my way by the religious in response to astrology posts I would make. They would never say anything to me directly, but on the psychic level it was clear that to *some* of them, I was engaged in something questionable.

And this got me to wondering if, perhaps, the hatred for conservatives in general could be rooted in an unacknowledged hatred for the religious, brought about by the fact that religious people can actually be quite judgmental,  even when they don’t express these judgments openly.

Many religions seem to function, in part, as a vehicle through which people can detach themselves from troublesome reptilian feelings, which are then projected onto the people around them causing those people to seem dirty, bad, unholy etc. God hates how bad these people are, and one day he will return to murder them. Especially in the more fundamental religions, the pain that is projected often stems from sexual & physical abuses or some form of shame. Harsh judgments (rendered by God, of course) become the vehicle through which this pain can be projected outwards onto other humans.

And it has long been a part of our culture that we must ‘respect’ religion, even if we are not taking part in it, and even when- and here lies the core of the problem- it does not respect us. Although respecting religion sounds lofty, I think the “high road” approach to life is generally a failure, because it is out of touch with emotional realities.

Respect is meant to be reciprocal- if someone looks down on us, whether due to religion or other factors, we are not supposed to respect them in return. Disrespecting those (at least privately) who disrespect you is part of a natural psychic immune system, which tells our mind not to value the opinions of those who do not value us. This maintains our integrity and keeps our emotional boundaries intact.

To be clear, I’m not saying we should oppress religion or try to punish those who think we are bad. That would be going too far. At the end of the day, someone believing you are going to hell is not a very big deal, and in all other ways this person may be a good friend. And yet, their belief system still does represent a *tiny* attack on you- an itty bitty paper cut which should be treated lest it turn into something worse.

And the only treatment necessary is just allowing yourself to have a natural response to their beliefs- the response of liking and respecting them just a little less because of their inability to respect you. Simple, harmless, and the world stays in balance.

If we were allowed to have a natural dislike for religions that look down on us, the results would be

  1. Religions themselves would be improved and forced to clean up their act, since they would no longer be on a form of psychic welfare where they are allowed to collect respect they haven’t earned.
  2. Religious wounds would not fester on the unconscious level and be allowed to turn into something truly nasty, such as irrational anger and hatred for anyone who reminds us of the original wounders.

In essence, the ability for society to tolerate religion in a healthy and sustainable manner, depends on our ability to not give them automatic and unnatural respect.



Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Minerals, Mountains, Crystals, Ice, and White Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

White God & Gold God

Although I’m not religious, there are at least two Gods I believe in…

1. A White God, * whom I simply call “God.” He is the man in the sky who hears our prayers and answers them, so long as they are not in conflict with our destiny or personal growth. But no matter what, when we reach out to him, he will respond with care and love. He is above all our friend.

2. A Gold God, whom I call “God the Father.” He is the watchmaker who created the laws which run the universe. There is no need to pray to him, because he has already constructed the universe to run according to the highest good of all. Plus, he is far away, standing outside the world as he watches it turn.

He does, however, contain vast reservoirs of intelligence and wisdom that we can tap into, and also the Virtues. Virtues are, of course, things like honesty, courage, kindness etc. But on the golden level, they are power sources built into the fabric of the universe. By tapping into them we release external forces as well as internal ones.

Basically, the Virtues are stars- shining above us from all directions- with some diametrically opposed to others (frugality vs generosity, for example.) When we embody a virtue, we unleash a powerful wind blowing us in that star’s direction. If we tap into the right virtue, one that is aligned with our destiny, we will experience this as powerful forces of synchronicity coming to play in our favor, helping us to achieve our purpose. But if we tap into the wrong virtue, one that is not aligned with our destiny, it can be a disaster, carrying us into a foreign life where our strengths are useless. Or worse still, blowing us into a hostile world where our gifts are liabilities.

This is why I have yet to tap into any virtues myself. I don’t have the self-knowledge to know if I ought to be jovial or sober, trusting or crafty. But one day I look forward to doing it. Who wants to slog their way through life when they could be blown swiftly away by forces beyond their control?


* Given the mood of the moment with everyone on the lookout for racism, I feel the need to point out that this God being white has nothing to do with “white people.” At any rate, he is not the “white” color of Caucasian skin, he is white like bones, the color of bones that all humans and animals share.

Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Golden Hay

Recently, I was suffering from ridiculous allergies, but when I finally recovered I felt better adapted to living in West Virginia. Living in the hills is just so thick and dense that if you aren’t used to it, it feels like trying to eat a whole stick of butter with no bread. There is a sense that your future does not exist and your present can not be changed.

Coupled with that, is the black and purply feeling of death… or more specifically..
1. A black feeling of our human reality being sandwiched between so many other, non-human realities which cannot be understood, much less controlled.
2. A purple feeling that the whole of our life is just a dot in eternity, and even a dot in the larger picture of who we are.
That is my impression anyway, I doubt a single other person would agree with me. But I do think you have to run your furnace hotter here to avoid being swallowed up by feelings of futility and fatalism.
At any rate, this song was inspired by my newfound appreciation for West Virginia.  After my allergies, I could see more of the value in accepting life as it is, rather than always trying to sculpt it into a shape of my choice.


Golden Hay


may not be real
Pikey what a thing to say
you know that you weren’t raised that way

And yet
sometimes I fear
God has left me so alone
a million miles from any home

To walk a road that has no end
The golden hay lies beyond the bend.

But why would we break?
Why would we cry?
In the end it’s only pain
we’ve known it in so many ways

I know
she felt it too
Remember her, that little bird
so soft we never heard a word

A hint of pink behind the door
and in the end a pile of feathers on the floor

Pikey, you know it won’t be long
Take my hand, I can feel their eyes
descending from the bluest skies

My gun
My iron bar
Life remember I was your friend
I knew that you had no end

Your fields were filled with golden hay
Three clouds they fly above then slowly drift away.


Download Mp3: Golden Hay

Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

42 Years


42 Years


42 years in a place where nothing shines
63 years in a world where nothing’s mine
I crawl; I beg
There’s a face up on the wall but he does not return my call.

Tell me God, what did I do wrong? I did everything you said
I organized my sock drawer and poured shit upon my head
Please don’t make me be the person to remind you
Please do not forget the people who defined you.

Everybody told me that someday I would see
You were just a taker; you took all your gold from me
Still I scraped myself on your stone
Threw my body on your altar and begged you to take me home.

Tell me God, what did I do wrong after 40 years of pain?
I cut myself so badly that my blood poured down like rain
Please don’t make me be the person to remind you
You should not forget the people who defined you.

You are a diamond in a world where nothing shines.
You’re my friend within a place where nothing’s mine.

I walked through the bright red door you opened up for me
Lay my heart upon my eyes; I did not want to see
The hell I paved in gold
Everything that I destroyed and everything I sold.

Tell me God, what did I do wrong? I was there for you each night
I bore the nails into my fists; I held the screams in tight
Must I really be the person to remind you?
You did not exist until the day that we defined you.


Download Mp3: 42 Years

Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs





In my hand I hold your stone
Dark glitter, black glass
I know I am alone.

Close my eyes I see your face
Surrounded by the black of space and the stars
They are friends to me now.

Alone- but not crying now
Alone- darkness glows somehow
Will God punish me? I don’t know
But in me something grows

Close my eyes-I see the outline of your hand
Cross my arms- the dark face of another man
The dagger lying on the dirt, sleeping baby undisturbed
And the roots- they are friends to me now.

Alone- I see colors now
Alone- darkness knows me somehow
Will he find me here? I don’t know
But I know I will crawl to the throne

In the night, something moves the air
On my skin, I feel his darkness everywhere
Tall trees bow and bend; I can not pretend
Power you have always been my friend.

Alone- no more crying now
Alone- darkness shows me how
Will God find me here? I don’t know
But I know I will reach for the bone

Download MP3: Alone

Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs Plants and the Emerald Kingdom Purple, Magic & Sorcerers Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Crumbles of Myrrh


Heaving myself to the top of the hill
I already know what I’ll see
Beautify, simplify, tell the truth or denyCrumbles of Myrrh
Nobody leaves this world free.

Look all around me, the clouds that surround me
No one can doubt that God’s demons have found me
Swallow me up in their stomach so blue
Death waits for me as it’s waiting for you.

Hand me that anise now, hand me that tonka bean
Hand me that red root that’s wrapped in a golden string
Hand me that iron kettle, hand me that copper stir
Hand me the fish that we smoked with the balsam fir…

Why? Why?
God I Trusted You
Can you deny that
You left me here, here all alone?
Add a crumble of myrrh and a chip of the ankle bone.

Bitterly I cry
My dreams were buried alive.

Sleep under stars as confining as iron bars
Nobody knows what I see
So many people beneath the same steeple
Not one of us ever breaks free.

Cry cry
All you babies
I can only despise the way
You beg down on your knees
A big smile on your face- won’t you help me, sir, pretty please?

Hand me that bitterness
Hand that thickened blood
Hand me that finger that washed away in the flood
Hand me that acid bile
Hand me that molded cheese
Hand the sperm of the man with the skin disease.

My belt I untie
My dreams were buried alive.

Walk down the hill with a weight off my shoulders
Giving high fives to the trees and the boulders
Soon I will reach the road, soon we will meet again
Carry your satchel and smile like a long lost friend.

Hi Hi
Friend, it’s been so long
Glad to see you again
Look- a beetle crawls there on your shoe
Let me kneel on the earth; let me crush it for you.

Dust on your shoelaces
Dust on your fingerprints
Sprinkle some more on your pocket that’s filled with mints
Sprinkle some more on your hood and your hairy do
Stare in your eyes as the stars come alive in you…

Open your mouth wide
My dreams were buried alive.


Download MP3: Crumbles of Myrrh