Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

What is a dick?

Please forgive me if I make no sense. Right now the whole universe is bombarding my mercury- aka brain- and it has sped thought processes to where I can hardly function. Zillions of thoughts colliding into each other & all of them breaking into fragments. This will last a couple more years.

I can still write songs in this state, but songs come out like eggs. You have to let the emotional energy congeal again before laying the next one. In the meantime, there is still too much I need to express. Plus I am so alone & this blog is my closest friend.

So I am barfing out thoughtlets. To release them from my mind.

One strange thing about my mind is how it seems to have different pieces which live side by side, unknown to one another. I would notice this at school when I would get perfect scores on tests which- as far as I knew- I knew nothing about. Subjects like advanced math & science where you can’t fake it. Also, everything related to sex.

As a teen the last thing in the world I wanted was to be associated with sex or even being female. This could partially explain why I changed my name to Julian.

Buying female products was my worst nightmare. I would go to the store in disguise & wait til there were no people around. Later the products would be stored in a box hidden behind a dresser in a closet. I invented multiple codes for writing in my journal so that I could write in double code (a code within a code). But this wasn’t enough, so when they were finished my beautiful journals would have to be ripped to pieces and then burned. What was I writing about? Boys. Liking them was the most secretive & humiliating thing imaginable.

At the same time, however, I was- unknown to myself- constantly broadcasting sexual things in an inappropriate way. It was only many years later that the constant explicit nature of my actions became clear to me.

There was the way I would eat bananas in front of younger teenage boys. They would always ask me to eat them over and over again which I was happy to do since I brought 2 bananas with me to school every day. There was the time I plastered the school with a poem about 2 soft squishy balls which a man liked to play with. I really thought it was a poem about favorite toys and was bewildered by how people would crack up. There was my final art project at university which I thought was a tree, but in retrospect was a realistic picture of a dick sliding through a hole. There were the poems I wrote about people coming all over things and the look on the teachers faces when they read them. The times I would jump up on tables and start doing pelvic thrusts at family get togethers. Passing people notes that said “Do you want to make love?” Painting pictures of soldiers have sex with their dads and writing songs which (in retrospect) were obviously about people getting raped but at the time I thought they were songs about colors.

In my mind, almost everything was a color or a feeling. The literal meanings of things did not compute. Of course, I wouldn’t expect anyone to believe this because it doesn’t even make sense to me. How can someone know something and not know something at the same time?

I don’t know.

The End.

Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs


You filled my mind up with gold
Until my mind I gave away
Hidden nights, filled with spite
Left me numb in my left leg
But that’s life- I never wanted to be anyone’s wife.

Even breath, even life
People throw these things away
Even breath, even dreams,
More than this you’ll sacrifice just to stay.

You gotta move now, nothing is real
Into the woods now, we’ll make a deal
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.

Why are you still talking to me?
Take this fucking eggs away
Black inside, black inside
So many things you have to hide just to stay.

You gotta move now, nothing is real
Into the woods now, we’ll make a deal
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.

Grey figures surround me now
Dangling there by a string.
Soft voices slip under the door
To talk about everything.

Shadows of the leaves at night
Things we’ll never rise above
Plants upon the window pane
All the simple things I came here to love.

You gotta move now, nothing is real
Into the woods now, we’ll make a deal
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.

Download Mp3: Runaway


Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Toy Horses


Placing the helm on my headToy Horses
I see the clouds up ahead
Please let me ride.
Please let me ride.

Holding an egg in my hand
I fear the battle at hand
Don’t let me die.
Don’t let me die.

Raise your flags, men
On toy horses we ride
Life, like a dream
Stretched forever into the blue sky.

Twenty-one days to the shore
A trip to the well will add seven days mores
Time to cry.
A time to cry.

Dipping my head in the well
I hear their pink voices clanging like bells
If you want to be forgiven
You must leave us a pink ribbon.

Why do I need to be forgiven? you ask of me
Twelve years ago I deserted my company
This led to the death of three men who depended on me.

But my life overwhelmed me
It seemed so absurd
To die when the meaning of
Life was still blurred.

But now I can see that survival is vain
When death is the trophy of gold that all souls seek to gain!

Now we will ride to shore
Mermaids and seashells will witness our war
We are high
For tomorrow we die.

Horses scratch their hoofs on the checkerboard grass
War frees the soul from its vessel of glass
We are high
For tomorrow we die.


Download MP3: Toy Horses

Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Man and Bird


I met her on a Thursday when the clouds were so high,
and the mountains reached up like a perch for the sky.
She wore feathers the color of air;
I was crusted in callouses left by despair.Man and Bird

Though she chirruped soft sounds I could not understand,
she smelled blue as the wind and I was just a man;
so I offered her my finger as a wrinkly perch
and I carried her like sweet bride right to my church.

I felt joy descend on my cheek like a wing…
All my life I’d been searching for a woman with the blue eyes of spring!

You know, most women are so heavy always clumping their brooms
as they glare from the side of an eye filled with gloom.
I don’t like them, I don’t need them, I don’t want to say why;
but I did love this sweet bird that fell like an egg from the sky.

But gossip grew after only one week
when the maid saw me lower my lips to her beak.
I won’t deny that my mind was impure;
I fingered her soft head and I would have done more.

But I can’t have my life ending in ignominy
Though I’m old I have gold and I’ve earned every penny.
In a perfect world, she’d be my bride and help me to spend it;
instead I carried my bird inside where I knew I must end it.

Standing in the shadow of a chandelier I told her
that I would not be the man to hold her.

She looked at me through lacy eyes marbled with pain
then she flew away, my little bird, I stood there and leaned on my cane.

And it’s true that it haunts me that look on her face;
shadows flow through my heart- yes, I made a mistake.
But I’m a man, just a man- what else more can I be?
I can’t butcher myself in the press so a bird can be free!

Fly away birds, fly away; you know the spring is long gone…
there’s no seeds for you here on my manicured lawn.

Let me rest in my evening chair in the sun’s pinky glow.
Life ends in regret, that’s our world, and its always been so.


Download MP3: Man & Bird