Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Uncategorized Videos

Aquamarine (Video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6xAVlT5Gfs

Hold my head in my hands and I struggle to think
I cannot understand, I can never be sure
Though I struggle to stand, still I have one more drink
Then I follow the hand that will open the door
And he will be there for sure.

In the blue of your room where you fall over me
I begin to forget when you hover above
Till our minds overlap, like a bubble I break
Spilling into your hand, dripping down on the rug
And we will live for love.

Change me. Change me.

You could teach me the things that you know
You could give me the money that you’ve made
Lay your hands on my fingers let me know
All the things that you want for me to say.

As long as you will stay

I tried so hard to pray, but they didn’t respond
They just fluttered away, so I reached for a pill
Till the waves came to crash, cold and aquamarine
I swore I would obey, I would follow your will
As long as you love me still.

Change me. Change me.

You will teach me the things that you know
You will give me the money that you’ve made
I don’t know where the things with wings they go
Why the sound of a scream they flow away…

And so I will stay.

I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist
And we will live for this.

Change me. Change me.

I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around, blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist.

I could see in your mind, it was just like a dream
All the things that were gone and those that stayed
But I stayed there to long and I struggled breath
But we always knew there’d be a price to pay.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Purple, Magic & Sorcerers Uncategorized

Aquamarine

Hold my head in my hands and I struggle to think
I cannot understand, I can never be sure
Though I struggle to stand, still I have one more drink
Then I follow the hand that will open the door
And he will be there for sure.

In the blue of your room where you fall over me
I begin to forget when you hover above
Till our minds overlap, like a bubble I break
Spilling into your hand, dripping down on the rug
And we will live for love.

Change me. Change me.

You could teach me the things that you know
You could give me the money that you’ve made
Lay your hands on my fingers let me know
All the things that you want for me to say.

As long as you will stay

I tried so hard to pray, but they didn’t respond
They just fluttered away, so I reached for a pill
Till the waves came to crash, cold and aquamarine
I swore I would obey, I would follow your will
As long as you love me still.

Change me. Change me.

You will teach me the things that you know
You will give me the money that you’ve made
I don’t know where the things with wings they go
Why the sound of a scream they flow away…

And so I will stay.

I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist
And we will live for this.

Change me. Change me.

I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around, blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist.

I could see in your mind, it was just like a dream
All the things that were gone and those that stayed
But I stayed there too long and I struggled to breath
But we always knew there’d be a price to pay.

Mp3: Aquamarine

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

Buying Pink Things

Recently my mind has been so overloaded it is hard to function. It feels like all I have to do is briefly consider something, and I start to get bombarded with information and insights concerning the object of focus. So I have been putting a bit of my focus on astrology, just as a way of channeling this energy.

And when I connect my mind to one of the planets, I don’t just get abstract insights but also ones regarding my own life. Like, a few days ago I realized my financial problems are rooted in the fact that I attempt to use money to impress others in order to ensure my place in the community and thus my personal safety.

I remember the moment in high school when decided  I would use money this way. I realized people saw me as being weird and that this could be a problem on multiple fronts. But I also noticed that wearing polished, conservative and stuffy clothes could override the messages my personality put out- or at least cast them in a more flattering light.  So, I made a little vow to myself I would always wear clothes that were as normal and pompous as possible. This would be my way of staying safe in the world. I later extended this vow to include all other possessions. It certainly seemed to me that- as an adult- people look to your home, your car, your style of decorating etc, to determine the sort of person you are and how much respect and consideration they should give you.

One thing about being “weird” is that people are likely to reach the conclusion that you are either stupid/insane or some kind of a genius. I have been cast at both ends of this spectrum and- until recently- it seemed to me that an association with money and status would make people more likely to reach for the genius category.

When I was in high school though, seeming intelligent was the least of my concerns. I was branded intelligent at a young age and as long as I went to the same k-12 school with the same group of people, there was little I could do to change that (slightly disagreeable) perception.

At that point, I mostly wanted to fit in. A few years later, my main concern became mateability. It felt like- after looks- a normal personality was the most valuable quality a female could possess. And clothes were the easiest way to accomplish this, since if I focused on acting super normal, it almost seemed to have the opposite effect. Whereas if you wore normal clothes and tried not to say anything, what could go wrong? This is probably why my first boyfriend dumped me for not having a personality.

Eventually, though, I realized men will still mate with you if you seem odd. Some might even like it. Nonetheless, I continued to feel that seeming as normal (which to me meant wealthy, stuffy, snobby, preppy, conservative) as possible was critical to survival. I was terrified of James dying and being left destitute on my own to roam the streets. (He is my only friend and only family member.)  It seemed that a poised and dignified person (ie a nicely dressed person surrounded by stuffy and valuable possessions) would be more likely to garner social support than someone drooling on themselves in an oversized tshirt and no pants. Winning the sympathy of strangers in case of an emergency became my new motivation for wanting to be normal.

A few days ago- after getting in touch with a planet-I had the opportunity to go to Walmart. Since I don’t drive, any time I have the opportunity to visit a store, it feels like a holiday. While admiring all the beautiful things on display, it hit me like a lightening bolt that I struggle financially because I am always buying the wrong things. My attempts to use money to impress others were causing the planets to block me from having any.

I started filling up a cart with everything pastel pink and lavender. It felt like breathing oxygen. Then I left the cart in the middle of the store since I couldn’t pay for it, but did take home a few gems, such as pink notebooks covered in baby kittens- the very sorts of things I try to avoid owning since I feel they will project “I have psychological problems and arrested development” out to the rest of the world.

Now, just to be clear- sticking to the rigid and pompous is what I felt I *should* do- not always what I did in practice. Half of my house and most of my wardrobe is light pink, and if it weren’t this way I couldn’t function at all. But I was always trying to push myself in the other direction- to get by with as little pink as possible. The things I imagined I would spend money on if I got rich were always those that would make me seem wealthy & calcified to others, so that I could finally feel safe. Because a wealthy person- a woman of dignity and grace- will never be left to die on the streets.

But I have come to believe that-although the planets each have their own energy and character- they are working together as a team to accomplish the same goal. The goal being that each person fulfill their own destiny and role in the scheme of life. And my desire to use money as a shield which could protect me from criticism and draw love and support is counter to my personal purpose. If I do manage to ever draw support from the outside world, it will have to be through expressing myself, not hiding behind a mountain of Rolexes.

In essence the planets are aligners. They live above our heads in the spiritual realms to enforce God’s plan and purpose. They can block or challenge us to bring us into alignment with divine plan. But the plan for each person is so unique. Certainly, there are some people who will ONLY achieve their purpose once they learn to hide behind a mountain of Rolexes and project a false image of wealth to impress people. I do not think expressing one’s inner self to the outer world should be the goal of all people.

Now only time will tell if my new understanding of money is superior to my old one!

I have more to say, but it is 4:25 am and getting to where I can hardly keep my eyes open. I can only hope I am still making sense. I will write more later. Thanks for listening!

Me, examining the study of the Governor’s Mansion. This is more or less a lightweight version of the vibe I felt I needed to be projecting.
Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Uncategorized Videos Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

Looking for a King (Video)

A song about kings, as we approach the month of kings. Sometimes I think the whole winter is the time of kings, it is so solemn and intent on not letting anyone have fun. Plus, it is a time when the amount of money you have comes to the forefront.

Probably due to the fact that Pluto- the dark God of the underworld- has recently entered my House of Money, money has become a subject of interest for me. Not actually making it, of course. More like bringing it up in conversations to make people squirm. Nothing is more deliciously taboo than money, not even sex.

Why is money taboo? Well, when you are poor you can’t let anyone know, or they will realize you are powerless and treat you with less respect. And when you are rich, you can’t let anyone know or they will try to take your money. I find all of that incredibly exciting.

Another thing I love about money is how it allows you to perform simple tests to find out if others care about you (hint: they don’t.) People throw words of love at each other all the time, but how many will back up their words with cold hard cash? Of course, you have to be careful when running these tests, because there are people in the world who are truly generous and still don’t care about you. And some who are generous just long enough to hook their fish. But still, I think it is a good idea to ask your friend for $100 dollars every now and then, and if they say no, never talk to them again.

And now I am remembering all the times friends asked me for money & I said no. I always said no, because I hate to give people money… maybe this is not a good test after all. I am not greedy, you know. In fact, I doubt I have based a single life choice around gaining money (unfortunately.) But I am stingy. Once I get a dollar bill in my hand, I don’t want to let it go. And a true friend would never ask me to.

Money, gifts, and shiny balls… come to Julien now!!! 
Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs

Ear

 

 

 

Black flags fly in the streets today
Misty air, sky of grey
Pull my scarf up around my face
Everywhere is this place

His face.

In my home where the pictures hang
His mustache, his white fang
Light a fire and remove my gloves
He is everything I know

Of love.

I would like to run, but consequences are too severe
Trip I lose a finger, fall down I lose an ear.

Cross the street where the neighbors play
Jump and run, lemonade
Walk downtown where the black flags fly
Spin and spin, which way to

The sky?

Faces peer behind every door
Big black holes, nothing more
Touch the door, but I won’t go in
Win I lose, lose I win

Again.

I would like to run, but consequences are too severe
Trip I lose a finger, fall down I lose an ear.

Cross the bridge where the soldiers stand
Setting sun, handsome man
Cross the tracks where the money lies
Pick it up, which way to

The sky?

Wake up in my bed again
Happy dreams always end
Big black bubble follows me
Spin and spin, which way to

The sea?

I would like to run, but consequences are too severe
Trip I lose a finger, fall down I lose an ear.

 

Download MP3:  Ear

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs

A Man I Could Love

 

All the money you piled up in piles
It sparkled to me. It helped to dream.
Buttercream on your bright copper plates
I wafted it’s fragrance up to my face and I smiled.

This is a man a man a man I could love!
This is a man a man a man I could love!

In your car with the smooth leather seats.
So warm and so cream, so soft buttery.
In your house with the thick chandeliers.
They spoke and I heard. The message was clear and I smiled.

This is a man a man a man you could love!
This is a man a man a man you could love!

Late at night in your bed how those flutes seemed to play!
Late at night on your breath I could smell your champagne!

All the cushions you piled on your chairs.
I sunk down in them. I laughed like a child.
All the silk that you rolled round my wrist.
I brushed to my cheek, the rings on your fist, they were kissed.

You are the man the man I can Love!
Mommy I’ve found a man a man I can love!

 

Download MP3: A Man I Could Love