Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

Being Different People

Ned- the first born of the 5 giants.

Husband 1, in a past life, belonged to a race known as the Wise Ones. Wise Ones lived in lavish castles. They did not work. The vibration of their souls attracted great wealth to them. When Wise Ones incarnate on the earth plane however, they struggle to survive without the riches their soul is accustomed to. This can lead to depression and even heart failure.

Sometimes husband would lie on the floor with his hands on his chest, struggling to breath, too heavy for this world. The only thing that could save him was millions of dollars.

It seemed unlikely he could earn the money himself. Years of job aptitude tests had uncovered only two potential career options- wine tasting & boob feeling. I tried to find him a job in the boob feeling industry but massage therapy was too demanding. He got a job in a wine store but they only paid minimum wage.

I painted, wrote songs & made a little money but not enough to support us much less give him the lifestyle he deserved. Then he read a book on channeling and decided that I could channel information on how we could manifest millions of dollars straight from the ethers.

I didn’t feel great about this. Becoming a hollow tube for other beings to speak through wasn’t my cup of tea and I didn’t think I could do it anyway. But he needed millions of dollars within the next few months and I didn’t have a better idea.

So…. to make a long story short, I channeled that we should rename our apartment Archimedian Estates and paint everything inside it pink, gold & black. And we needed to fill it with 100 species of plants & a pet from each animal kingdom. This would make us millionaires.

A couple months later, the whole place was pink, black and gold. We had 26 plants, one snake, two birds, a fish and an eviction notice. Far from being millionaires, husband was now hitting up my friends and family for money- a humiliating fate. We separated then. I felt maybe, just maybe, I could eke out an existence alone, but there was no way in hell I could support a Wise One. They need all of life’s finest things just to survive.

The world was harder than I imagined though and a year later we were back together. The need for channeling picked up. Could I channel Mary, Archangel Michael, the Moon, the spirit of Fame? It made my head feel weird. But if I objected he would say “Hang on- I need to ask Auriel about this!” He yelled at me constantly but never at the other beings. Sometimes I would switch into them just as a safe spot.

Channeling snowballed fast. Before long Julien had been pushed out altogether and replaced by an ever growing cast of characters. It was no longer about channeling advice either. Now it was about him connecting to different women who were his wives and all these different humanoids who were his children.

His children included 5 giants- Brownie, Big Stuff, Ned, Ted & Fred. 1,000 genies called ‘the Hectors.’ And various others such as Sweet Cookie, Shelley, Fufu, Hunkdehunk, Sweetsie & Cherry Lemonade Spritz.

His wives are harder to remember but included Clementine, Ambrosia, Auriel & Earth. He would have sex with them. In general he preferred a different type of female than me- the Strong Business Woman. His wives were closer to this ideal. They even had different bodies.

I don’t know how long the period lasted in which I was continuously other people. Maybe 5 years. During this time husband got a job at Target. I would stay home reading books on magic & trying to do impossible things. Home was various places, like motels in the middle of deserts. Basements on the outskirts of Brooklyn.

I no longer ate normal food but subsisted on weird things like Chuckles & Jello. I liked these foods because they resembled the jell loafs Auriel ate in her world. I didn’t have normal clothes either. At one point the only thing I had to wear was a little girl’s cheerleading skirt he brought me home from Target & a teddy bear sweater (a sweater made for a teddy bear) which I wore as a hat.

Sometimes I would write songs but mostly I was plagued by weird fears, like my legs falling off. Unresolvable mental dilemmas would torture me for days like whether my soul smelled more like rose or ylang ylang. I would prank call people or send them weird letters & they would think I was scary.

I knew I had fallen out of step with society & felt ashamed but couldn’t find my way back. The only person I spoke with was my husband but he didn’t speak to me, just through me to his wives and children. I could no longer choose to not channel them since that would mean separating a man from his entire family, an inhumane act by any standards. They seemed to bring him joy.

And to this day I struggle with dissociative identity disorder. Maybe. But I don’t know if this is related to the time I spent being other people or not.

The End

Shelley. She had a soft jelly-like yellow body & rode in a wheelchair since her body was too soft. She wore a football helmet on her head and kept covered up in a blanket since she got so cold. She loved math & her pet fish. Sometimes I miss these friends & feel sad they are fading from my imagination.
Sweet Cookie who has two very wise pet squirrels- Nimrod & Noodleface. They have all sorts of special knowledge.



Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Videos

Second in the Line (Video) (& my desire to drown in brown)

Recently I have been obsessed with the color brown… in the past few years, my life has been so immaterial… always using the internet & social media to escape physical reality… now I am hoping my life can become all about the physical world and I can crack it open like a big fat nut.

I just want to go to restaurants and buy clothes covered in little flowers and meet people with physical bodies that don’t smell bad. I want to have a big red car and drive around to see the mountains and coal factories without worrying about the price of gas. I want to drive all the way to the ocean and buy a house right next to it. I want my houses to be glossy & historical, like lacquered chestnuts. I want to spend my time wondering if I detect notes of blueberries in a bottle of wine. I want to eat sushi. I want to pay people to massage me with their elbows. I want to stop at gas stations and grab red bulls for the road, checking to see if they sell pink t-shirts as well. I want to collect Fiestaware from the past, when they made it in earth tones and pastel colors. I want to deck my dogs out in expensive plaid collars & take them to the salon to get their hair puffed up like a couple of politicians. I want to buy them takeout from expensive restaurants. Eat lobster rolls with them every Sunday. I want arch supports for all my shoes. Pictures hanging in frames from my walls. To buy expensive jewelry and keep it in a pink safe. To panic if the scent of my body lotion does not match my shampoo. I want to be a lady who lunches & worry about whatever they worry about. AHHHH… this is a great dream! Being buried alive in the material world… I want this so bad!!!



****
Oh- this has nothing to do with the song though… just my thoughts of the moment. Here are the lyrics….

To adore me you must
Go before me
Build a path for me.

Laying stones down you
Must prepare the ground
Build a home for me.

Remember when you fall so far
Remember I was there for you to give you something more

Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend.
We are family.

Looking your eyes
All the lies
Beautiful to me.

You say you won’t hurt me no more
Well what else are friends for?
Someone to believe.

Remember when you fall so hard
Remember I was there for you, always safe and warm.

Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend.
We are family.

Closing my eyes, I
See it all unfurl
I know how it ends.

Dark things fly towards me
Still you walk before me
Vanish round the bend.

And all the stars that beg for you
To sparkle in your time.
Remember I was there for you
Second in the line.

Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin, you were never just a friend.
We are family.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Videos

Pieces (Video)

I have been meaning to publish this for a month but I hate dealing with images of myself so much that I always procrastinate. Hearing myself sing makes me feel weird too.

Also, things have been so strange recently that I haven’t been able to play music until today, when finally I climbed back into being myself.

2020 was a weird year for many people due to all these bad planets forming a single mega-planet in the grim sign of Capricorn. It had been a dark year for me filled with many fears, mostly relating to money, marriage, totalitarian governments and eternal boredom. When I realized a couple of these planets were about to be moving into Aquarius- breaking up this monster after a year of total darkness- I got a little carried away with celebrating & think I accidentally got possessed by something in the process.

Which is why I have spent the last month setting up my Cardano stake pool & promoting it, trying to get people to stake, helping them with technical difficulties etc. If you knew me, you would realize how completely out of character this is. I would wake up in the morning, start watching tech videos & be at it- learning and helping others- until 5 am. Suddenly it was really easy for me to learn & understand these things. I found them interesting. It was very odd considering how much I hate all things tech. I can barely bring myself to record my own songs.

Eventually though, I was so different from my regular self that I started to get worried. I was so mental- basically 100% brain. I couldn’t even relate to the idea of ever having been a musician. Plus, I couldn’t turn it off. Solving tech problems & learning from dusk till dawn. I started to feel like the girl in that fairy tale who puts on dancing shoes that make her dance until she drops dead.

So, I tried to do an intervention on myself. I took down all the Aquarian things I had hung up on my walls so they are blank pink slates again. A few days later, I am starting to go back to normal. Luckily, I seem to have retained what I learned, so maybe I can be myself AND a tech zillionaire.

As you know, dying of poverty has been one of my dominant fears over the past few years, so to have hope of a different future feels…. well, it feels like the darkness has ended. And hope is actually what Aquarius stands for.

I LOVE YOU AQUARIUS! I’M SORRY FOR ALL THE BAD THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU IN THE PAST!! Thank you for being my friend.


Live in a sea of broken glass
Pieces were shining everywhere
Somebody turned to walk around
Somebody watching from the stairs

Pick up the piece to find you
Has this always been your face?
Pick up the piece behind you
Has this always been your face?

Watching the moonlight dripping down
Watching the starlight spin away
Everything moves around and round
Never a way to make you stay

Pick up the piece to find you
Has this always been your face?
Pick up the piece behind you
Has this always been your face?

Mirrors were broken on the ground
Pick up a piece to keep me sound
You leave the room and then you’re gone
Watching the walls spin round & round

How can I not believe in you?
You were the one man standing there
Everyone knows the things you do
But underneath it all you care

Swim in a sea of broken glass
Throwing the rainbows on the wall
Breathing so hard I have to gasp
Caught in the ecstasy I fall

Pick up the piece to find you
Has this always been your face?
Pick up the piece behind you
Has this always been your face?

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

Should I become a new person until spring? Or not?

Hi, I have been wanting to write in here for a while, but too confused & conflicted to know what to say. I keep writing things & deleting them because there are too many parts of myself (or possibly parts of other people) vying for control.

It is so cold, but luckily I have a space heater & as long as I sit right in front of it I am okay. This has forced me to do lots of boring things, like obsess endlessly over minor astrology transits & review relevant moments in my journals. (I have 100 million.)

One thing I have noticed from reading them is that my perceptions are uncannily accurate, but my thoughts & interpretations are absurdly offbase. I recorded all these dreams which -with the benefit of hindsight- I can see were quite literal. But my interpretations of them could not have been more absurd. I just interpreted things as meaning whatever I wanted them to mean rather than seeing what was staring right at me in the face.

Is it bad luck to tell people your dreams? I mean desire dreams. My greatest dream is to discover my own form of astrological magic. These past couple weeks it seemed as though I had done just that. I ‘tapped’ into a couple transits I was having and BAM!- I seemed to become a different person overnight. I opened a Cardano Stake pool (AKLEI- and I hope you will stake with me) and started promoting it and messaging people about it obsessively- something extremely out of character for me- but you see Pluto is currently moving through my house of money to sextile my sun & this was the transit that I tapped.

Eventually though, the change in my character became so intense I couldn’t tell if I was obsessed or possessed. Slowing down was impossible & it felt as though in a moment I had suddenly become a different person. I was waking up to watch tech videos, helping streams of friends solve their tech problems & discussing tech with my husband at night. All this started to make me wonder if was approaching magic in the wrong way. The changes were not bad per se… just weird.

But my intention had been to try to become someone else until the spring anyway, because right now life is hard & I needed a means of escape. Focusing on tech & money- for better or worse- is helpful for separating from life’s physical & emotional aspects. The physical are probably the hardest. It is just so freaking cold & I have anemia but no money for iron supplements, making it hard to do things like play guitar. I just thought if I had some way of escaping until spring then things would be easier. In spring it will be warm for starters & the price of Cardano should be on the rise, making it easier to purchase things.

In spring, I will be able to walk around. Right now it is hard to even walk around my house & I hate to stay in one place.


P.S. If you have any thoughts, please do comment or contact me. I like connecting with people more than dancing for an invisible audience.



Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Uncategorized Videos

Aquamarine (Video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6xAVlT5Gfs

Hold my head in my hands and I struggle to think
I cannot understand, I can never be sure
Though I struggle to stand, still I have one more drink
Then I follow the hand that will open the door
And he will be there for sure.

In the blue of your room where you fall over me
I begin to forget when you hover above
Till our minds overlap, like a bubble I break
Spilling into your hand, dripping down on the rug
And we will live for love.

Change me. Change me.

You could teach me the things that you know
You could give me the money that you’ve made
Lay your hands on my fingers let me know
All the things that you want for me to say.

As long as you will stay

I tried so hard to pray, but they didn’t respond
They just fluttered away, so I reached for a pill
Till the waves came to crash, cold and aquamarine
I swore I would obey, I would follow your will
As long as you love me still.

Change me. Change me.

You will teach me the things that you know
You will give me the money that you’ve made
I don’t know where the things with wings they go
Why the sound of a scream they flow away…

And so I will stay.

I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist
And we will live for this.

Change me. Change me.

I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around, blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist.

I could see in your mind, it was just like a dream
All the things that were gone and those that stayed
But I stayed there to long and I struggled breath
But we always knew there’d be a price to pay.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Purple, Magic & Sorcerers Uncategorized

Aquamarine

Hold my head in my hands and I struggle to think
I cannot understand, I can never be sure
Though I struggle to stand, still I have one more drink
Then I follow the hand that will open the door
And he will be there for sure.

In the blue of your room where you fall over me
I begin to forget when you hover above
Till our minds overlap, like a bubble I break
Spilling into your hand, dripping down on the rug
And we will live for love.

Change me. Change me.

You could teach me the things that you know
You could give me the money that you’ve made
Lay your hands on my fingers let me know
All the things that you want for me to say.

As long as you will stay

I tried so hard to pray, but they didn’t respond
They just fluttered away, so I reached for a pill
Till the waves came to crash, cold and aquamarine
I swore I would obey, I would follow your will
As long as you love me still.

Change me. Change me.

You will teach me the things that you know
You will give me the money that you’ve made
I don’t know where the things with wings they go
Why the sound of a scream they flow away…

And so I will stay.

I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist
And we will live for this.

Change me. Change me.

I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around, blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist.

I could see in your mind, it was just like a dream
All the things that were gone and those that stayed
But I stayed there too long and I struggled to breath
But we always knew there’d be a price to pay.

Mp3: Aquamarine

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

Buying Pink Things

Recently my mind has been so overloaded it is hard to function. It feels like all I have to do is briefly consider something, and I start to get bombarded with information and insights concerning the object of focus. So I have been putting a bit of my focus on astrology, just as a way of channeling this energy.

And when I connect my mind to one of the planets, I don’t just get abstract insights but also ones regarding my own life. Like, a few days ago I realized my financial problems are rooted in the fact that I attempt to use money to impress others in order to ensure my place in the community and thus my personal safety.

I remember the moment in high school when decided  I would use money this way. I realized people saw me as being weird and that this could be a problem on multiple fronts. But I also noticed that wearing polished, conservative and stuffy clothes could override the messages my personality put out- or at least cast them in a more flattering light.  So, I made a little vow to myself I would always wear clothes that were as normal and pompous as possible. This would be my way of staying safe in the world. I later extended this vow to include all other possessions. It certainly seemed to me that- as an adult- people look to your home, your car, your style of decorating etc, to determine the sort of person you are and how much respect and consideration they should give you.

One thing about being “weird” is that people are likely to reach the conclusion that you are either stupid/insane or some kind of a genius. I have been cast at both ends of this spectrum and- until recently- it seemed to me that an association with money and status would make people more likely to reach for the genius category.

When I was in high school though, seeming intelligent was the least of my concerns. I was branded intelligent at a young age and as long as I went to the same k-12 school with the same group of people, there was little I could do to change that (slightly disagreeable) perception.

At that point, I mostly wanted to fit in. A few years later, my main concern became mateability. It felt like- after looks- a normal personality was the most valuable quality a female could possess. And clothes were the easiest way to accomplish this, since if I focused on acting super normal, it almost seemed to have the opposite effect. Whereas if you wore normal clothes and tried not to say anything, what could go wrong? This is probably why my first boyfriend dumped me for not having a personality.

Eventually, though, I realized men will still mate with you if you seem odd. Some might even like it. Nonetheless, I continued to feel that seeming as normal (which to me meant wealthy, stuffy, snobby, preppy, conservative) as possible was critical to survival. I was terrified of James dying and being left destitute on my own to roam the streets. (He is my only friend and only family member.)  It seemed that a poised and dignified person (ie a nicely dressed person surrounded by stuffy and valuable possessions) would be more likely to garner social support than someone drooling on themselves in an oversized tshirt and no pants. Winning the sympathy of strangers in case of an emergency became my new motivation for wanting to be normal.

A few days ago- after getting in touch with a planet-I had the opportunity to go to Walmart. Since I don’t drive, any time I have the opportunity to visit a store, it feels like a holiday. While admiring all the beautiful things on display, it hit me like a lightening bolt that I struggle financially because I am always buying the wrong things. My attempts to use money to impress others were causing the planets to block me from having any.

I started filling up a cart with everything pastel pink and lavender. It felt like breathing oxygen. Then I left the cart in the middle of the store since I couldn’t pay for it, but did take home a few gems, such as pink notebooks covered in baby kittens- the very sorts of things I try to avoid owning since I feel they will project “I have psychological problems and arrested development” out to the rest of the world.

Now, just to be clear- sticking to the rigid and pompous is what I felt I *should* do- not always what I did in practice. Half of my house and most of my wardrobe is light pink, and if it weren’t this way I couldn’t function at all. But I was always trying to push myself in the other direction- to get by with as little pink as possible. The things I imagined I would spend money on if I got rich were always those that would make me seem wealthy & calcified to others, so that I could finally feel safe. Because a wealthy person- a woman of dignity and grace- will never be left to die on the streets.

But I have come to believe that-although the planets each have their own energy and character- they are working together as a team to accomplish the same goal. The goal being that each person fulfill their own destiny and role in the scheme of life. And my desire to use money as a shield which could protect me from criticism and draw love and support is counter to my personal purpose. If I do manage to ever draw support from the outside world, it will have to be through expressing myself, not hiding behind a mountain of Rolexes.

In essence the planets are aligners. They live above our heads in the spiritual realms to enforce God’s plan and purpose. They can block or challenge us to bring us into alignment with divine plan. But the plan for each person is so unique. Certainly, there are some people who will ONLY achieve their purpose once they learn to hide behind a mountain of Rolexes and project a false image of wealth to impress people. I do not think expressing one’s inner self to the outer world should be the goal of all people.

Now only time will tell if my new understanding of money is superior to my old one!

I have more to say, but it is 4:25 am and getting to where I can hardly keep my eyes open. I can only hope I am still making sense. I will write more later. Thanks for listening!

Me, examining the study of the Governor’s Mansion. This is more or less a lightweight version of the vibe I felt I needed to be projecting.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Uncategorized Videos Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

Looking for a King (Video)

A song about kings, as we approach the month of kings. Sometimes I think the whole winter is the time of kings, it is so solemn and intent on not letting anyone have fun. Plus, it is a time when the amount of money you have comes to the forefront.

Probably due to the fact that Pluto- the dark God of the underworld- has recently entered my House of Money, money has become a subject of interest for me. Not actually making it, of course. More like bringing it up in conversations to make people squirm. Nothing is more deliciously taboo than money, not even sex.

Why is money taboo? Well, when you are poor you can’t let anyone know, or they will realize you are powerless and treat you with less respect. And when you are rich, you can’t let anyone know or they will try to take your money. I find all of that incredibly exciting.

Another thing I love about money is how it allows you to perform simple tests to find out if others care about you (hint: they don’t.) People throw words of love at each other all the time, but how many will back up their words with cold hard cash? Of course, you have to be careful when running these tests, because there are people in the world who are truly generous and still don’t care about you. And some who are generous just long enough to hook their fish. But still, I think it is a good idea to ask your friend for $100 dollars every now and then, and if they say no, never talk to them again.

And now I am remembering all the times friends asked me for money & I said no. I always said no, because I hate to give people money… maybe this is not a good test after all. I am not greedy, you know. In fact, I doubt I have based a single life choice around gaining money (unfortunately.) But I am stingy. Once I get a dollar bill in my hand, I don’t want to let it go. And a true friend would never ask me to.

Money, gifts, and shiny balls… come to Julien now!!! 

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs

Ear

 

 

 

Black flags fly in the streets today
Misty air, sky of grey
Pull my scarf up around my face
Everywhere is this place

His face.

In my home where the pictures hang
His mustache, his white fang
Light a fire and remove my gloves
He is everything I know

Of love.

I would like to run, but consequences are too severe
Trip I lose a finger, fall down I lose an ear.

Cross the street where the neighbors play
Jump and run, lemonade
Walk downtown where the black flags fly
Spin and spin, which way to

The sky?

Faces peer behind every door
Big black holes, nothing more
Touch the door, but I won’t go in
Win I lose, lose I win

Again.

I would like to run, but consequences are too severe
Trip I lose a finger, fall down I lose an ear.

Cross the bridge where the soldiers stand
Setting sun, handsome man
Cross the tracks where the money lies
Pick it up, which way to

The sky?

Wake up in my bed again
Happy dreams always end
Big black bubble follows me
Spin and spin, which way to

The sea?

I would like to run, but consequences are too severe
Trip I lose a finger, fall down I lose an ear.

 

Download MP3:  Ear

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs

A Man I Could Love

 

All the money you piled up in piles
It sparkled to me. It helped to dream.
Buttercream on your bright copper plates
I wafted it’s fragrance up to my face and I smiled.

This is a man a man a man I could love!
This is a man a man a man I could love!

In your car with the smooth leather seats.
So warm and so cream, so soft buttery.
In your house with the thick chandeliers.
They spoke and I heard. The message was clear and I smiled.

This is a man a man a man you could love!
This is a man a man a man you could love!

Late at night in your bed how those flutes seemed to play!
Late at night on your breath I could smell your champagne!

All the cushions you piled on your chairs.
I sunk down in them. I laughed like a child.
All the silk that you rolled round my wrist.
I brushed to my cheek, the rings on your fist, they were kissed.

You are the man the man I can Love!
Mommy I’ve found a man a man I can love!

 

Download MP3: A Man I Could Love