Category: Charleston, West Virginia

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs

Clay where you were born

In my mind you walk beside me in the sun
Standing like a fire between myself and everyone.
Hold me in your arms I feel the yellow falling down.
You are my ground.

Brown. Orange. Packed. Worn.
Product of the clay where you were born.

Then one day you push me and I‘m falling back.
Rolling over, over down into the black.
Open up my eyes to find a world of liquid blue.
Where are you?
There’s no ground.

Spinning now. Spinning around.
Grasping for whatever seems to be the ground.
Unknown. Scorned.
Tossed away from clay you were born.

One day I will find my way to solid shore.
Fingers sinking into mud scared no more
Sinking into earth is where the body can renew.
My earth is you.

Strong. Sad. Sometimes crazy sometimes mad.
Fighting one day overcome and soar
Far away from clay where you were born.

Clay where you were bornDownload

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men Politics Writings

Obsessions & Possessions

I haven’t written here in a long time because as usual I’ve been swallowed up by various obsessions.

  1. Obsessing over how to become the most practical person that ever lived. But after weeks of agonizing all I could think of was to reorganize my mineral collection. By chemical properties rather than colors. I’m not sure how much this increases my chances of survival but at least it felt manly.

    I’ve been learning more about geology in general though sedimentary rocks are the bane of my existence. They seem supernaturally boring. I like minerals much more than rocks. Things such as fossils bore me to tears. Although the aversion then causes a weird attraction since boredom itself is one of the things which fascinates me. I find boring subjects, items & people magnetically attractive. I can’t endure their presence long though before I start to lose consciousness.
  2. Obsessing over building more base notes & deep colors into my personality. Probably because I imagine this will make me more practical & able to survive. Plus, I worry that if my aura is too light & high I will drain others of their vital substance. So each morning I spent a few minutes trying to sing the deepest notes I could.
  3. Obsessing over controlling the universe through magic. I won’t even bother discussing this one except to say that it didn’t work. And also, that magic has nothing to do with wicca or spells or kettles or frogs. It is just about harnessing the energy that already flows through the universe to make it work for you. Just like electricity, water turbines & nuclear power. The universe is complicated though so I never get very far.
  4. Obsessing over male psychology in the hopes of more smoothly co-existing with Black Licorice (husband) also known as The Godfather. Haven’t made much progress with this either. I’m just hoping the more practical I get, the more things will fall into place.

So as usual, all my obsessions fail & I eventually come crawling back on my knees to music as a source of comfort. And this time politics too, as a source of discomfort. I am running for state delegate. James wanted me to do it. I didn’t realize it entailed anything beyond slapping your name on a ballot, so oops.

Door knocking has turned out to be fun though. The stressful part is that Black Licorice wants to go door knocking with me. He does not want me to go by myself. But he is rarely up and dressed before nightfall. So what to do? Play the good female, go with the flow & accept that I lose? Be the bossy lady & attempt to drag him out of bed early accepting the consequences? Or go by myself while he is sleeping & just don’t tell him? I don’t know what is right.

Until recently I didn’t understand why anyone cared about females entering politics. Now I kind of get it. There are issues that specifically impact women. And men- being more geared to action than introspection- aren’t necessarily going to think these issues through from a female point of view.

Recently I’ve been dealing with the issue of abortion, for example, since this is the biggest reason many women won’t vote Republican & I am hoping to bring more women into the Republican party. I think it isn’t just the stance that bothers women but the callous framing of it. (“She knew what she was doing when she spread her legs.” is a statement I have heard a lot recently.) To my surprise, in the conservative framework, the responsibility of not having sex & also birth control lies solely on the woman. If she gets pregnant & suffers greatly as a result she deserves it. Cause she spread her legs.

Meanwhile, the vast majority of pro-life men EXPECT women to have sex before marriage and would not date them if they didn’t. (By their own admission.) They believe in free love. I cannot square these two positions. She shouldn’t have spread her legs. But she is expected to spread her legs. When I suggest that not fornicating should be part of a pro-life stance, they say what goes on in the bedroom is nobody’s business. I tried to float making fornication illegal but no one would go for it. This would restrict their freedom, their choice, which suddenly became more important than “The Slaughter of the Innocents.”

In addition, they do not believe it is their job to marry the mother of their child, which is the only arrangement under which pro-life makes sense to me. You can’t just funnel women into single motherhood regardless of their ability to cope. But the men felt this idea was totally coo coo. Getting married should be their choice. And she knew damn well what she was doing when she spread her legs. None would support a pro-life bill that declared the mother & father to be married by natural law.

Even worse, men were not willing to be compelled to be implanted with a uterus to carry the baby themselves if this became necessary to save it’s life. You can’t force someone to do that! It should be their choice!!!

Color me disillusioned.

Although I will say the conservative women seemed willing to take the blame and suffer to live out their values. I don’t know why they don’t expect more of the men. Except I do. Men like you better when you don’t challenge them. Challenging them rarely works out in your favor anyway. The worse of a mood James is in the more I find myself complimenting him, serving him & agreeing with everything he says. It’s just a self-protective instinct.

The only difference between me and conservative ladies is they feel good about their submission to men because they see it as a virtue. I see mine more as a failing, or a survival decision at best. Cause I believe the world gets better when women are willing to speak and men are willing to listen. But this is hard for both of them. Maybe the only way women can pull this off is to band together. Many great changes in the world have happened as a result of female movements and associations.


Anyway, since all the planets have been travelling through my house of possessions, please allow me to share with you a few possessions I have acquired.

Keys. Although I’ve lived in this house for 4 years, I only now got my own key & key chain. Two actually. (The one on the right was sent to me by mistake & not a fabric I would choose though I have grown to love it.)

A bag. Owning this bag has been my dream for l10 years and now I have it.

Finally a phone which I will need it for the politics thing. I haven’t had a phone in years.

A windowsill full of cars & motorcycles. Hoping this causes a new car to appear in real life. Our current car has a smashed out window & no brakes. The stickers are so old that every car ride includes a cop chase. Black Licorice drives the car wearing glasses that have only ONE lens- a scratched lens- & he attaches them to his head with dental floss. This makes me nervous especially since he frequently goes through a wide range of emotions while driving.


Sunglasses- they are sitting on my head. I associate sunglasses with practical people who run around doing things and need to keep the sun out of their eyes. And after getting them I actually have started running around doing things trying to keep the sun out of my eyes. That is the Kanawha river.

Have to include this photo of Patton since it is the first one that captures his true nature. He is an aggressive dog & highly protective.

Slippers, the half-blood hound. She is my soft thing but has hurt her leg.

My political magnets that I am handing out while door knocking. I love anything with small flowers on it.

And the flowers are symbolic too. While I’m running as a Republican, I don’t represent conservatism, but the desire to preserve freedom so humans can continue to be organic creatures with feelings & thoughts running free, not drones of the phallocracy.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Minerals, Mountains, Crystals, Ice, and White Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

The Station

To breath somehow
When the wave come falling down

To breath, to see
All the things I never wanted to be

Crystals in my eyes I rub them
Oh my god somehow
I will follow when you lead me down.

But there’s a man out by the station
Like a shadow in my mind
And I reach for him but the voices tell me
This is not my time

To belong.
Wish there was someone I could love.

To hear, to know
To close your eyes and feel the flow

Of the truth, of the lies
To know the real from the disguise

Clouds inside my head I touch them
Oh my god somehow
I will follow where you lead me now.

But there’s a man our by the station
Like a feeling in my brain
I would reach for him but the voices said
It would only lead to pain

And to fall.
Wish there was someone I could love.

To know the way to learn the truth
To feel, to see and never more to be decieved.

But there’s a man out by the station
Like a cube inside my mind
If we play then odds then we can be certain
He will not be kind

Soldier on.
Wish there was someone I could love.

The StationDownload
Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Uncategorized

Lie Down

And the shine
Is the thing you will remember
For the longest time
Down the line

Like the sky
How it fell on you as dark sheets
When the stars were high
They would fly

Open nights stretch out before you
Open roads lay down before you
You were there
Going everywhere

Lie down
You are sleepy
It’s all over now
You are bleeding

Lie down
You can see me
Let your hair fall round & round
We are leaving

And the time
Is the thing you will remember
When the stars are high
It could fly

Like the men
How they reach out with their flat hands
Till the day begins
They were friends

Open hands stretch out before you
All the ones who came before you
You were there
Going everywhere

Lie down
You are sleepy
It’s all over now
You are bleeding

Lie down
You can see me
Let your hair fall round & round
We are leaving

All the trees that stood like strangers
Shadows blacking out the dangers
You were there
Going everywhere

Lie down
You are sleepy
It’s all over now
You are bleeding

Lie down
You can see me
Let your hair fall round and round
We are leaving.

Lie DownDownload
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Videos

Step on the Train

Step on the train my friend
Down beneath your feet it rolls
Hands upon the window now
We watch the clouds begin to blow

See the sky fill up with wind
Press against us like a flag
Til the evening comes again
And then the clouds begin to drag

No one can know us now
We are unknown to ourselves
Flying forward here we go
And now the sky begin to melt

Nobody knows the way
Flying forward here we go
No one can help us now
Sing cause its the only thing we know

Watchin the sun rise now
And the sky he comes again
I tried to help you but I only
seemed to make the darkness bend

Through a tunnel now we’ll fly
Rest your eyes for just a while
Darkness push upon us push upon us
Let confusion lie

I didn’t know you then
You didn’t even know yourself
Flying forward through the dark
And now the tracks begin to melt

First we’ll reach the tunnels end
Then we’ll move into the light
Golden beams upon us
Sing cause it’s the only thing inside

Step on the train my friend
Press your face against the sky
Watch the blue forever flow
Watch the world begin to fly

Feel the dream begin again
Feel your eyes begin to close
Press your face against glass
Sing cause it’s the only thing we know

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men Writings

Sex Energy- Positive, Negative & Neutral

All levels of the human mind deal with three types of energy. Positive, negative & neutral.

Positive energy connects us to the future. It is our desires & values. What we want to have & experience. It moves us forward.

Negative energy connects us to the past. It enables us to release things & gives us the depth and wisdom that come from processing experiences.

Neutral energy connects us to the present and our environment.

At the verbal level, for example, affirmations would be an example of positive energy. Talking to a counselor about our problems would be negative energy- we are using words to gain release & insight. Asking someone to pass the salt would be neutral.

And this applies on the sexual level too. Sexual impulses can be positive- this person turns me on because she is my dream girl and I want to marry her. Or they can be negative- this person turns me on because her nose looks like my Aunt Sally’s who molested me as a kid and I still feel ashamed about that. Or- I just lost my job and now I have shameful feelings. I want to release these feelings through my dick so what is something bad I can do that will give me an orgasm?

However, on the surface, these two impulses can look the same because we typically don’t bother to analyze our sexual feelings. We feel a pulse in our dick and think- that must be hot, I must want to fuck that. Why else would I feel this pulse? But a whole world of meaning is there, for those who care to look.

Negative sexuality is similar to music and dreams. It is not a literal reflection of what we want. Instead it is subconscious urges, fears, pains and conflicts bubbling to the surface in a symbolic language. For men especially, it may be one of the main avenues through which their subconscious speaks to them which is why they can get addicted to things like porn which offer so many scenarios designed to tap into different pockets of feeling.

But we are trained to be meatheads when it comes to sex and not analyze the things. We regurgitate simplistic theories from evolutionary psychology which gay men have proven to be false. Our sexual circuits are not just for reproduction- they perform a wide variety of functions just as our mouth does. Or even our speech. To claim that all sexual urges are rooted in a desire to have children would be like saying that all functions of speech relate to the need to warn others of wild animals.

And it causes a lot of consternation, especially for wives and girlfriends, when all sexual impulses are described as caveman urges to mate with someone else. Or when sexual urges are automatically interpreted as attraction. I.e. finding someone beautiful, desirable. In reality, men are well known for losing interest in someone after having sex. Why? Did the person cease to be beautiful and attractive? No, it was just never about that in the first place. Sometimes sex is about trying to get at something within the self and -unfortunately- the other person is little more than an available tissue. Or perhaps a symbolic one who taps an inner conflict (kink).

I grew up in a culture where people were supposed to be happy. Other emotions were viewed in a negative light. There was no emotional release function and this made it difficult to be happy except in a strained and 2 dimensional way. It is this release function, this negative energy, that renews us, bringing depth and purity to our experience. Just as a person can feel rejuvenated by crying. Sometimes the dick needs to cry too.

So what impact does it have on sexual relationships if every sexual thought and feeling must be a feeling of positive love and desire for one’s mate? Does this create a deep and passionate bond over time or would it begin to feel flat and repressive? Time is a big factor, because the more time passes the more negative energies accumulate if not washed away. You can go for a week without a shower, but eventually it catches up with you. People rarely need marriage counselor on their honeymoon, but 20 years later they might. Especially if they are basing their relationship on positive energy without an equivalent ability to embrace negative energy. It is the negative energy that rejuvnates and when we cling to positive charges and resist negative ones either decay or a sudden rupture is certain. The good news is that exploring the negative is every bit as enjoyable as moving towards the positive. This is where life gains its deep and watery energies.

And of course there are neutral sexual energies. These feed you information about your current surroundings & circumstances. Threats and opportunities. A sudden attraction to a firewoman could be your dick trying to tell you your house is on fire. A sexual feeling towards a plump person could mean you need to eat. Rage towards your boss might be chanelled as arousal towards his female equivalent. The possibilities are endless.

In addition, sexual feelings can simply be red beams we are intercepting from others. Sometimes I feel a red beam & turn around me to see a scantily clad female who is looking for sexual attention. If I were a man, I might automatically assume I was attracted to her, when in fact my dick was just picking up her availability signal. Dangers in the environment can also be felt through the dick. The dick is basically an antennae picking up root level information. If sexual thoughts are too tightly controlled a lot of data drops out. But also, if we take the meathead approach of assuming every quiver in our dick represents an urge to sire a child- even if we don’t act on it- this can lead to trouble, hurt and confusion.

So I just wish we could look a little deeper when it comes to sexual feelings. If men are looking at porn, for example, WHY are they looking? Is it really because they think that close up shot of a dick sliding into a butthole is so pretty and men are visual creatures? Is it really because they have the urge to spread their seed through ejaculating into their hand to ensure humanity’s survival? Or is it possible they are attempting- perhaps clumsily- an introspective, healing activity? Trying to release some speck of gravel from their shoe. Flying to a world where females are amazed by their every move and they don’t have to feel like a loser. Releasing feelings of hatred, disgust or aggression that have no place in polite society.

Sexual urges and the meanings behind them are really an entire universe to be explored. These things are only shameful & threatening when they aren’t examined. In reality, they are a symbolic doorway into the deepest parts of our mind where the largest transformations can occur.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

God


Wake up to pounding fear
Water rush through my ear
What did I imagine from last night?

Down through the hall to creep
Move slow the baby sleeps
Feel the walls still quivering in fright.

How did I get so weak?
How to fall so low?
When at first it felt so good to be controlled?

Warm up a slice of pie
Step slow. The baby lies.
What did I imagine from last night?

Hold head and cover eyes.
Prepare for the sun to rise
Tell brain be steady and comply.

Cause if I defend myself
He’ll knock me down again
But at first, it felt like nothing to let him win.

God you said it was true love
Breathed so deep in my ear
If that wasn’t your voice then what did I hear?

Gaze through the window pain
Clouds dry, there willl be no rain.
Gaze through the future thin & blue.

Far past the cloudy skies
Past baby where he lies
There’s no point further out than you.

How did I get so dumb?
How’d I get so slow?
When at first it felt like faith to lose control?

Lift my head up off the floor.
Must continue on.
But my first mistake was believing in you God.

GodDownload
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire

A Home

All this time
All this cold
All this scared to go back home

Sometimes faint
Sometimes bleed
Sometimes hold you as you try to leave but I

Knew the time would come when you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

Sometimes fast
Sometimes burn
Catch you when you try to turn

Sometimes fight
Sometimes fall
Sometimes flying through the wall but I did know

That the time would come when you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

A home

Sometimes red
Sometimes black
Sometimes bruising in the back

But I heard
That there lives
A Great Fire who never burns the things he gives

All the time I knew that you
You would walk away & I would wander
Thru the world with no place there to stay

A home

A HomeDownload
Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

Jupiter is Idealism

Big Stuff is one of the Giants I wrote about in an earlier post. But he looks pretty Jupiterian to me, so I will place him here.

When you are a child you desire to be awesome- to have exceptional abilities that make you shine to those around you. Growing up is about realizing that no one wants to watch you shine. It’s annoying. What people want is for you to add value to their lives. What society wants is for you to add value to society.

Enter Jupiter. In traditional astrology, he is the bringer of wisdom, luck & riches. In modern astrology, he is frequently associated with weight gain, overspending & all forms of excess.

If I had to sum up Jupiter in one word, I would call him Idealism. He is the first planet who causes us to look beyond our personal goals to see how we can benefit the world around us. And as we become *for others* others become for us. They now have a motivation to help us. Society now has a motivation to reward us. People can open doors for us which we could never have opened for ourselves. This is luck. People invest in us and introduce us to new ideas & ways of seeing things. And so our world begins to expand.

But will our waistline expand as well? Possibly yes, but not because Jupiter is a pleasure seeking lush. In my opinion, every planet is a correcting force to the planet preceeding it. The Sun is hot and the Moon cools it. The moon is mushy but mercury is crisp. Mercury is too mental so Venus opens the heart. Venus is weak so Mars is strong-willed. Mars is shielded and independent, focusing on enemies and threats. So Jupiter opens up, to see the good in the world and also the good that COULD be in the world. You will never hear Jupiter say that humans suck. He fucking LOVES humanity.

But this new openness and love for the world naturally leads to a softening of personal boundaries and willpower. Jupiter will eat more, drink more and buy more just because he is more in touch with the goodness around him and lacks the will to resist. His personal bank account is not the most important thing to Jupiter anyway. He is externally focused. Just as the moon focuses on children and Venus focuses on her boyfriend, Jupiter focuses on society, seeing it through a doting golden glaze. He is the true believer in humanity’s potential and this excites him more than personal glory or owning buns of steel. His mind and emotions are mixed up and swirled with the world around him. If this goes too far of course, his generous optimistic spirit can be his undoing, which is why he is followed by the correcting force of hard & crusty Saturn.

And I believe Jupiter’s altruism is responsible for the high spirits he is known for. Our personal cares often dissolve when we develop an outer focus and fall in love with something beyond our self. Jupiter is about falling in love with our human tribe or even humanity. The world becomes brighter, more interesting, filled with meaning and purpose. Suddenly we matter because there are always things we can do to benefit and romance our new love interest. This does not necessarily mean we will be volunteer at a soup kitchen however. Depending on the sign and placement of Jupiter, this altruism can take many forms. Maybe we are Batman and do the dark works no one else has the stomach for. Maybe we are a clown working at a gas station, bringing a laugh to all the customers. We could be a writer, a hater, a bragger or a dancer. It isn’t the actions themselves which are Jupiterian but the motivation behind them. Jupiter’s motivation is to give to humanity. Idealism.

My Jupiter is in Aries for example, so at times when I am overtaken by altruism I become more fiery & belligerent than my normal personality. Almost as though our idealistic self is a genie kept in a bottle, a separate spirit who can possess us and provoke us into action our regular self would not take. My idealistic self tries to place myself in the line of fire in the hopes of taking a few bullets for humanity. Perhaps since I am cowardly by nature, being brave seems like the most idealistic thing I can do. I can only be brave though when this spirit overtakes me. A spirit of gratitude and awe for everyone and everything that has gone before. We all have this spirit and you can see its presence marbled throughout history when over and over again people devote and sometimes sacrifice themselves to transform the world for the better. It’s beautiful.

And in you this spirit, this altruism, may take any form. You may become maternal and start baking everyone muffins. Maybe you give hand jobs while expecting nothing in return. Lock yourself in your tool shed until you invent a better pencil. Or perhaps just lie on your sofa and dream new dreams that will one day come true for all of us.


Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

What is a dick?

Please forgive me if I make no sense. Right now the whole universe is bombarding my mercury- aka brain- and it has sped thought processes to where I can hardly function. Zillions of thoughts colliding into each other & all of them breaking into fragments. This will last a couple more years.

I can still write songs in this state, but songs come out like eggs. You have to let the emotional energy congeal again before laying the next one. In the meantime, there is still too much I need to express. Plus I am so alone & this blog is my closest friend.

So I am barfing out thoughtlets. To release them from my mind.

One strange thing about my mind is how it seems to have different pieces which live side by side, unknown to one another. I would notice this at school when I would get perfect scores on tests which- as far as I knew- I knew nothing about. Subjects like advanced math & science where you can’t fake it. Also, everything related to sex.

As a teen the last thing in the world I wanted was to be associated with sex or even being female. This could partially explain why I changed my name to Julian.

Buying female products was my worst nightmare. I would go to the store in disguise & wait til there were no people around. Later the products would be stored in a box hidden behind a dresser in a closet. I invented multiple codes for writing in my journal so that I could write in double code (a code within a code). But this wasn’t enough, so when they were finished my beautiful journals would have to be ripped to pieces and then burned. What was I writing about? Boys. Liking them was the most secretive & humiliating thing imaginable.


At the same time, however, I was- unknown to myself- constantly broadcasting sexual things in an inappropriate way. It was only many years later that the constant explicit nature of my actions became clear to me.

There was the way I would eat bananas in front of younger teenage boys. They would always ask me to eat them over and over again which I was happy to do since I brought 2 bananas with me to school every day. There was the time I plastered the school with a poem about 2 soft squishy balls which a man liked to play with. I really thought it was a poem about favorite toys and was bewildered by how people would crack up. There was my final art project at university which I thought was a tree, but in retrospect was a realistic picture of a dick sliding through a hole. There were the poems I wrote about people coming all over things and the look on the teachers faces when they read them. The times I would jump up on tables and start doing pelvic thrusts at family get togethers. Passing people notes that said “Do you want to make love?” Painting pictures of soldiers have sex with their dads and writing songs which (in retrospect) were obviously about people getting raped but at the time I thought they were songs about colors.

In my mind, almost everything was a color or a feeling. The literal meanings of things did not compute. Of course, I wouldn’t expect anyone to believe this because it doesn’t even make sense to me. How can someone know something and not know something at the same time?


I don’t know.

The End.