Hold my head in my hands and I struggle to think
I cannot understand, I can never be sure
Though I struggle to stand, still I have one more drink
Then I follow the hand that will open the door
And he will be there for sure.
In the blue of your room where you fall over me
I begin to forget when you hover above
Till our minds overlap, like a bubble I break
Spilling into your hand, dripping down on the rug
And we will live for love.
Change me. Change me.
You could teach me the things that you know
You could give me the money that you’ve made
Lay your hands on my fingers let me know
All the things that you want for me to say.
As long as you will stay
I tried so hard to pray, but they didn’t respond
They just fluttered away, so I reached for a pill
Till the waves came to crash, cold and aquamarine
I swore I would obey, I would follow your will
As long as you love me still.
Change me. Change me.
You will teach me the things that you know
You will give me the money that you’ve made
I don’t know where the things with wings they go
Why the sound of a scream they flow away…
And so I will stay.
I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist
And we will live for this.
Change me. Change me.
I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around, blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist.
I could see in your mind, it was just like a dream
All the things that were gone and those that stayed
But I stayed there to long and I struggled breath
But we always knew there’d be a price to pay.
Well, this is something I have wanted to write about for a while, but it is hard for me to put into words. Also, I question the wisdom of exposing weaknesses in a world where enemies are squirrels and friends are unicorns. Nonetheless, sharing is part of my life’s purpose (I think), and if you don’t fulfill your purpose you will be thrown back into the fire at death. So here we go.
Basically, there is something wrong with my head. I will try to describe the problem through 2 ideas which are probably interrelated.
My husband calls this going fugue. I have tried to explain it before. Basically, all the sudden something will switch and it becomes hard to remember and relate to whatever I had been doing in the moments and days prior. It is like one sausage has been pinched off and a new one begun. The beginning of a new sausage coincides with new perspectives, ideas & approaches to life.
But it isn’t changing ideas that are problematic. The problem lies in the sense of disconnection from who I was previously, as though my memory and identity- rather than running seamlessly like a river- have been pinched like a sausage. Like how you feel when you are waking up from a dream… even if you remember parts of your dream, there is still a feeling of discontinuity, as though you have moved through a veil. The dream self shared the same name and soul but not the same mind or stream of consciousness as your waking self.
2. No Skullcap
I am the normalest person you could ever hope to meet from my toes up to my ears. But from my ears to about six feet above my head, something isn’t right. It feels like my skullcap is missing and where my own head should be there are a million overlapping heads instead. They all belong to different people and sometimes to things that aren’t people.
Which sounds like schizophrenia, but probably isn’t since I don’t experience psychotic breaks from reality. I do experience the air as being filled with the thoughts, feelings and consciousness waves of other beings, but this is a stable part of my reality which never stops me from flossing my teeth. It co-exists with shared social realities but does not override them. And in these days of wireless technology, the idea of air being filled with information shouldn’t be a stretch.
Nonetheless, it feels like some kind of barrier is missing at the top of my head and I am constantly being pelted with endless chaotic inputs. It helps slightly if I wear a hat, sunglasses and ear plugs. But, in general, I try to deal with it by staying busy so my consciousness has a specific thing to focus on. According to my astrology chart, though, my life’s purpose lies in exploring these invisible realms and NOT trying to escape them through work. But that is easier said than done, since if I don’t try to actively avoid that part of myself it feels like flying in a tornado (from my ears up), and I feel despair- knowing that whatever this stuff is is so infinite & complex that ever getting a handle on it must be impossible.
Still, the chaos and overflow of information isn’t the problem. The real problem is the absence of a center point I can identify as myself.
To make matters worse, when I DO occasionally look at it, before long I tend to get sucked into one particular consciousness wave and then BAM! a whole new sausage has begun.
** PS. If you have read my other blog entries, you may have read about ESP journaling which involves looking at the energetic things which are coming from other people. I will also sometimes journal the pieces of this chaos which are emanating from myself (which is easier to do.) But even after removing these 2 factors, tons of STUFF remains which I have absolutely no way to make sense of. I think it comes from realms beyond the human but that is so far outside my scope of knowledge that I have zero idea how approach it. Hence why I prefer to stay busy and never go near the top part of my head.
I was really looking forward to writing a blog post today. I could see clearly in every direction. It was going to be a tell-all.
But- due to adding a hundred new facebook friends and writing a flurry of posts- I ended up with so many balls to my head that I could hardly think. Nor could I draw these balls because there were just too many of them. All I could do was to squint my eyes against the pressure and attempt to clean the house while waiting for it to pass. But sometimes balls make me so dizzy it is hard to do physical things. I end up just throwing a towel over my head and waiting for it to pass.
The thing is, I love interacting with people so much. If only there was a way to interact without head balls. It is especially challenging to interact with new people. Sometimes they have spiritual problems to which I’m not yet immune. Spiritual problems are those which warp your perspective on life and make you feel bad about it. Or bad about yourself. The more a person has spiritual problems the more angry they tend to be. They frequently try to push onto others the ideas that are causing them pain. So their balls tend to cause greater disturbance.
Some balls can be refreshing though. They contain wavelengths that can heal your problems without a word being said. They can counteract the noxious influence of bad balls. Once you know someone, and are familiar with their balls, whether they are good or bad doesn’t matter so much. You can get hit with their bad feelings out of the blue, but then easily dismiss them because you know what they are.
Why do these balls hit me on the top of my head though? When my husband interacts with people, I have noticed their energy tends to get lodged in his intestinal area, causing him stomach pain.
Probably because I walk around with a head like an empty bucket, waiting for someone else to tell me what life is about and make sense of it all for me. I know this is wrong, but it is a hard habit to break. Once upon a time- 7 years ago to be exact- I thought everyone was honest and also a sage. I let their ideas go straight to the center of my brain.
Now I realize people are liars & dumb, too. Well, maybe not liars exactly, but plants reaching for the sun. We say whatever it takes to get that sweet sunshine on our face. And maybe not dumb exactly- I still think it takes an insane amount of intelligence to navigate daily life- but let’s get real- we are sheeple. We share the beliefs of those around us so we can belong to a fuzzy wuzzy herd. It feels so good to feel their soft cotton balls rubbing against our cloud of wool.
And really that is the same reason why I open my head like a vessel to receive the thoughts of others. At first it feels so good when they put their thoughts inside. It makes me feel connected, but I’m sure it is the wrong way of going about things.
Since James is asleep and I need someone to talk to, I have decided to spill my mind on you, my wise and invisible friend.
As I mentioned before, I used to begin each day with “ESP Journaling” which entailed drawing pictures of the colored balls that were (psychically) pelting me. Each ball represented a thought, emotion, or intention coming towards me or James from someone else.
As I started to get more traffic on my website, though, the number of balls grew and blended until eventually it just felt like a wall of fire surrounding my head. So I stopped the whole ESP journal thing because the energy felt too overwhelming to break apart. ESP is easiest when you are dealing with a small amount of information.
Today though, I decided to put on my purple necklace and ESP journal again, just for old times sake.
Let me share with you how it is done.
1. First, I scan my body to find the areas most under attack. Generally, this is my head. If, for example, I have recently posted something political on Facebook, my head will get bombarded. This has held me back from public sharing on many occasions, since balls to the head can be quite distracting, and -what is worse- draw your attention away from more vital interactions taking place lower in the body.
Other common ‘attack sites’ are the heart, stomach and sexual organs. The heart is generally linked to betrayal, affection, manipulation, and people trying to get stuff from you. Stomach attacks seem to relate to professional competition (people rarely direct these at me, but I pick up the ones sent to my husband.)
The sexual organs, unsurprisingly, link to sex. Sexual ESP is a world unto itself, and hopefully I will write about it at length in the future. For now, I will just say that it has radically transformed my view of life- and not for the better. I am still trying to dig beneath conventional understandings of sex though, to understand what the energy is all about. I feel like it is the key to something huge.
2. Next, I use my hands to determine the color of the energy and what it is doing. The color part is easy. Understanding what the color is doing, though, is more confusing and sometimes ties my brain in knots. The color can be moving towards you, away from you, hiding behind another color, slithering two ways at once through a metal tube, etc.
If, for example, someone is intentionally ignoring you, you will see a ball filled with color, but the color will be moving away from you to the far side of the ball. If someone is hiding something from you, the color will hide behind a gray field. If they are hiding something from themselves (trying to be unconscious of it) the color will hide behind a clear field.
Sometimes I will see clear fields coming from James when he doesn’t want me to ESP him. Unfortunately, the clear field only attracts my attention and then it is quite easy to peak behind it.
3. Next, I check to see who the energy is coming from. This can be obvious, if it is James or someone I am familiar with. But -to my own surprise- even when it is a stranger I can usually make out their gender, hair color, age range and body type. Still, to get this information I have to squint my eyes, which can feel uncomfortable, so I sometimes skip this step out of laziness.
Keep in mind that most of these balls are not revealing fascinating secrets, but rather mundane information. If someone argues with James on Twitter, for example, they will show up as a ball. In fact, there may even be a ball for each individual tweet. So once you do this enough, you start to lose your patience for squeezing your brain just to determine the hair color of the dude James tweeted at.
4. Finally, I see what other information I can glean from the balls. Generally, this is nothing more than the basic emotion being emitted. If- however- it is an area of fascination- relating to love or secrets for example- then I will sometimes look hard enough to see images forming in the colors.
But generally, I don’t take it this far, because there are so many balls to cover that I have to keep moving. I normally do my journal for about an hour and in that time can only cover a fraction of the balls available. Because every little thing that does or doesn’t happen in this world leaves a ball behind.
Of course, it isn’t just balls. Other things I might draw in my journal include:
Mind overlaps. This occurs when someone is thinking about you to the extent that their mind overlaps yours and you can’t think your own thoughts. I don’t know if anyone can overlap anyone else’s mind at will, or if there have to be pre-existing conditions in place.
Rectangle ghosts. I wrote about these before. It is my name for when a person’s whole energy system overlaps your body at once. I mostly experienced these when I did astrology readings for people, and it is the main reason I stopped. The good part is you can get a lot of information about a person. The bad part is being filled with thoughts, feelings and urges that make no sense and can sometimes be painful or destructive. Of course, once you realize it is just someone else’s rectangle ghost you gain some amount of control over the situation.
Poles & Barbs: Poles are used to control people and barbs are used to injure. I mostly see poles on the head and barbs at the heart.
People Balls: In addition to balls representing thoughts and emotions, there is a more stable set of balls which represent the various people in your life. These balls tend to stay in the same place and remain the same color. When they do change position or color, you know something has changed in the relationship. The balls of those you are look up to appear above your head, while the balls of those you relate to as children appear beneath the shoulders.
You will also see lines coming off these balls, which show the other people each person is connecting to. So, people with whom you have no personal relationship are still showing up in your aura, just by being connected to the same people as you. These balls and lines together look a lot like drawings of molecules.
* Okay, thanks for listening, friend. Sometimes I feel isolated- as though I am living in my own world. But now that you have read this, it is a world that we share. You are a ball in my mind, and I am a ball in yours.