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Charleston, West Virginia Politics Uncategorized Writings

Practivizing

Apparently there is WAY more to running for office than sticking your name on a ballot. Just got a notification that I’m late in filing my Quarterly Finance Report. My WHA??? I don’t even have a bank account! Is there any chance you’ll accept an astrology report instead?

The good part is I’m getting a crash course in practical life skills. I now have a wallet. Containing two credit cards which I don’t know how to use. A phone-watch. Which I don’t know how to use. A personal identification card. I didn’t have this before and it made many things impossible. A few semi-normal outfits from Walmart. And some aquaintances that live in my city. Before I knew no one.

Feeling unpractical has been my greatest source of shame for so long. It made me afraid to interact with people cause I never knew when they would ask for my SK27 number and I would have no idea what they were talking about and then everyone would start laughing at me. And I didn’t know how deep everyone else’s practical skills went. How many forms do they fill out on a daily basis and how many bureaus do they visit? How many sequences of random numbers and letters are stored in their memory and what do they use them for? What cards do they make sure to have on them at all times and who do they show them to?

Even if blood is squirting from your ears it’s not like you can just walk into a hospital with a big wad of cash. You need cards. Papers. Letters. Numbers. Don’t know the square root of pi? “I’m sorry Ms. Aklei, but unless you can recite it to the 33rd digit there’s really nothing we can do. Our hands are tied.”

I don’t even feel confident in my ability to buy groceries. No matter how I position the card it is always the wrong position. Then pictures start flashing on the screen showing what you’re supposed to do but my brain goes into a panic and can’t compute. Then the sirens start going off. “STEP AWAY FROM THE BAGGING AREA!!! MA’AM!! STEP AWAY FROM THE BAGGING AREA NOW!!!! PLACE YOUR HANDS ON YOUR PSYILISUS MUSCLES AND FACE EAST UNTIL AN ATTENDENT ARRIVES!!!!” Fuck, life is complicated. You gotta be so slick to survive.

But for some reason, I can’t even memorize my address. I don’t know why. I memorize songs all the time so I made my address into a little song about dicks but somehow it just slips in and out of my brain. But now I’m sure I will be asked my address constantly. Knowing your address is 50% of politics.

The other 50% is enemies.

I was confused at first because everyone I met seemed like the absolute nicest person of all time. And yet- after an initial period of exhileration- I was starting to have a mental & physical breakdown. I would just lie in bed crying all the time in a state of unbearable tension. I could hardly walk without a cane. I couldn’t write about this because public servants are supposed to be strong. I wanted to drop out so the torture would end but didn’t want to let anyone down.

James suggested my state could be caused by people messing with me. Psychically. Which annoyed me because the last thing you want when feeling overwhelmed is for someone to bring up the astral plane. But he pressed the issue until I finally lit a red candle and recited the 91st Psalm, a classic cure for enemies. And BAM! Just like magic I could walk again. I stopped crying and felt happy. And it occurred to me that most of the universe is currently transiting my House of Secret Enemies. Perhaps it is the case that in politics the majority of enemies are the secret kind.

Door knocking is still fun though and highly recommended. James goes with me. ‘Just be yourself’ he says. ‘Oh but don’t say that.’ ‘You didn’t tell them your name!.’ ‘You can’t make jokes about bribes Julien- you could go to jail!’ ‘Don’t use words relating to violence or murder- people might take you seriously!” It is funny how being taken seriously changes the meaning of what you say. I have never been taken seriously before.

My wallet with an ID inside & two crypto credit cards. I chose this wallet because I am preparing myself for Pluto’s movement into Aquarius which I need to write about ASAP to help people prepare.

I only use crypto money for the same reason. Well, that is also due to Uranus’s passage through Taurus. Obviously almost anything is superior to government controlled currency at this point.
Pansies, geraniums & a gardenia brought inside due to frost. Since my political messaging consists mostly of flowers, I need to have plenty at my own house to avoid seeming like a hypocrite.
I love yellow. My initial theory was that the left went insane due to an insufficient supply of positive yellow in their life.
Poppies, forget me nots, canterbury bells & larkspurs.
Patton preparing to eat the cardboard. I promise I clean but Patton is constantly shredding things so it never looks like it.
Pausing for a manspread.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Writings

In My Head

I think my claim to fame is being the least practical person who spends the most time obsessing over how to be practical. 65% of the dialogues in my brain go something like this…

“Fuck. Shit. I’m one step away from being homeless! What should I do?”

“Something practical!”

“Like what? Jump off a bridge? I can’t live in a homeless shelter full of fleas!”

“Well how tall would the bridge need to be?”

“I don’t know!”

“Google it!”

“If I google it, will google alert the cops and then they show up at our house?”

“Shit- we don’t have makeup on!”

“It’s a bad idea anyway. It would hurt. And I’ve heard people regret it halfway down.”

“Ewww… that would suck. Maybe we could get a job at McDonalds then?”

“That’s practical. But what shoes would we wear?”

“Maybe getting practical shoes is our first step!”

“How though? We don’t drive.”

“Well…. Let’s start smaller. Maybe we could put more practical shoelaces in these shoes?”

“We do have that ball of brown yarn… brown is a practical color! We could make shoe laces out of that!”

“Yeah! And with the left over yarn we could make a bracelet!”

“Oh- and tie some around our finger as a ring! Everytime we see the ring we will remind ourself to be more practical!”

“YESSSS!!!” (Runs for ball of yarn & gets to work. Two hours later, the shoes are too loose cause the yarn isn’t strong enough & the bracelet & ring are soggy.)

“Fuck. I can’t keep wearing these. They itch. This doesn’t seem practical anymore.”

“It was a dumb idea.”

“What can we do then? We have to do SOMETHING practical or we’re gonna die!!!!”

“Maybe we could start by sending friend requests to people who work at McDonalds!”

“Oh- that is practical symbolism. Wait- how will we know if they work at McDonalds?”

“I don’t know… maybe we could start by sending friend requests to people whose names begin with Mac?”

“Yeah!!!”

“Wait… what if these people think we’re trying to have sex with them?”

“We could send them just to women?”

“They could think it too.”

“How do you have sex with a woman?”

“You stick your arm up their hole. It’s called fisting.”

“Fuck…. Everyone thinks I’m trying to fist them when really I just don’t want to die.”

“It’s embarrasing.”

“So what should we do?“

“Maybe first we should have a snack and think.

“Yes. A practi-snack!. Are pretzels practical?”

“Of course. They’re dry and crunchy.”