Safety First on Valentine’s Day

The timing of most holidays makes perfect sense astrologically, except for Valentine’s Day. Why does the holiday of romantic love fall under the dry and mental sign of Aquarius? Aquarius is the opposite of candlelit dinners and gazing into eyes.

Aquarius is the love you feel for humanity while gazing at them from an airplane, causing each human to look like an indistinguishable dot. While Scorpio, the most romantic sign, lives to blow up buses of children to save their loved one, Aquarius will sacrifice their loved one to save the children. They love their girlfriend, of course, but they also love the children, the mailman, the hungry people living in China. Their love diffuses equally across all humans.*

Plus, Aquarius and its governing planet- Uranus- rule divorce and break-ups. Celebrating romantic love while they control the sky is not the safest thing to do.** So I would like to recommend a few safe, healthy and appropriate ideas for celebrating Valentine’s Day instead.

  1. In school, we celebrated this day by exchanging valentines with everyone in the class. We were required to give a valentine to everyone- no one excluded. A perfect expression of the Aquarian spirit. Aquarius rules friendship, brotherly love, platonic love diffused across groups.

  2. So rather than spending 50 dollars on your romantic partner, use that money to send valentines to 50 different people. Quantity and not quality is what matters to Aquarius.

    Electronic valentines would be great as well, since Aquarius rules all electronics. Sure, it is dry and unromantic, but so is Aquarius.

  3. Aquarius rules all that is weird  and new fangled. Why not buy strange little gadgety gifts for all your friends?  Ideally new inventions that have just come on the market. And if you MUST get your spouse a gift, make it a technological one and leave the roses for a safer time of year.

  4. Since Aquarius spreads its love as thin and wide as possible, scrap dinner for two and get together with all your friends instead. If you belong to a club, this would be a great day for a club meeting or social event.

  5. Get a divorce. Dump your romantic partner. Breaking things off is what heartless Aquarius does best. If you are gonna do roses and candlelight, make sure it is for the purpose of telling someone goodbye.

    Or simply use this day to cut unwanted friends out of your life. Send them a valentine to let them know you aren’t friends anymore.

  6. Have an affair. This is one expression of romance that Aquarius can get behind. Aquarian affairs generally involve significant age gaps. Alternately, have an affair with someone who is very weird, bizarre looking, or completely different from you in a fundamental way.

    Aquarian affairs are not about emotional depth or even sex, but just the stimulation and sense of aliveness that comes from connecting with a person who can break up the crusty patterns in your brain.

  7. Get a mohawk. If you are being pelted by chaotic influences in your life (a sure sign that Uranus is in the house), doing something bizarre with your appearance can act as a lightening rod to safely absorb and express some of this energy.

    So, if you are spending this day by yourself, consider dyeing your hair a strange color, getting piercings or tattoos,  shopping for strange clothes and makeup or having futuristic nails applied.

  8. Electrocute yourself. Or try any new fangled, futuristic form of self-care such as a leech facial, crystal healing, ear candling etc. Anything that is new and strange will do the trick.

  9. If you are hellbent on taking your love out on a date, play it safe by doing things which are unusual or Aquarian. Ride motorcycles, wear neon clothes, eat mystery meats, play laser tag. Or go to a shooting range. Aquarius rules everything electronic, all forms of transportation and all weaponry.

    Or you could simply take a taxi to have dinner at an airport. Afterwards play video games.

  10. While I would never encourage people to have sex on Valentine’s Day, I can’t stop them either. But to keep it safe, make sure to include weird toys and gadgets as part of your sexual activity. Or- if you are heterosexual- include a third party which will compel one of you be gay for the day.

    Gay sex and weird sex is the only sex Aquarius approves of.

  11. If you have been needing to come out of the close sexually, this would be a good day to do it. If there is anything odd about yourself which you have been hiding from the world, use this day to reveal it. Aquarius rewards the weird and those who are true to themselves.

  12. Lastly if-like me- you are lazy, just spend the day playing video games, especially new ones. This is always a safe way to discharge Aquarian energy.

    Or if-like me- you hate video games, use this day to consult an astrologer, since astrologers fall under Aquarian rule.

    Or if- like me- you are an astrologer- use this day to give free readings to as many faceless members of humanity as possible. A perfect way to express you dry and expansive love for the ants that surround you.

    Please don’t judge me for the mess- this is Jame’s office & he doesn’t allow me to clean in there. Notice the tub of Vaseline though. That is a protective device designed to protect James from upcoming Pluto transits. I will write about that later!!! The furry thing is Patton.

     

    * Not everything I am saying about the constellation Aquarius will be reflective of those who were born with the sun in Aquarius. What we call our “sign” is only the sun’s position at our time of birth. Which represents only a fraction of our astrological make up.

    ** When I refer to safety, here is what I mean… astrological forces will find a way to express themselves one way or another. So when we offer them a healthy (or neutral) expression, it acts like a lightening rod, absorbing energy which could otherwise cause disruption. Keep in mind though, that in some cases disruptive Uranical events are both fated and invaluable.

The Pine Fairy Waits for Lightning

 

 

Because I’m feeling so dull, curling up in a ball;
when the lightening strikes call me.

Then I’ll come charging out of my hole
with the longest pole you’ve ever seen.
Like a man waking up from a dream.

You see I’ve held in this scream for so long
that it sucks like a serpent inside me.
A fluorescent green light and it bites
through the nights as the moon tries to hide me.

Suckles me with her blankets too thick,
milky white till I sweat and I stick
like a fucking prick.

And yet I will pull through
cause there’s things I must do and no other can do them.
I will wait in my hole till the clouds start to blow
then I’ll run right into them.

Then I’ll come back on fire like a wire
with a poisonous current inside me!
And I’ll slither and slide- never going inside
needing nothing to hide me!

A thrill I guarantee.
They will call me Electricity.

 

Download MP3: Electricity

 

The Jar

 

Recently, I was struck by a desire to become friends with the planets of our solar system. I wasn’t sure how to go about this, so I drew the symbol for Uranus on a piece of paper  & placed it beneath my pillow at night, intending to think about it while sleeping. To my surprise, the symbol itself emitted a palpable energy filling my chest with an electrical feeling. And the next morning, I received the greatest shock of my life, a shock so great I lost total control of my bladder and bowels despite being in a public place. For several days, I could neither sleep nor eat, which was a first for me. Time lost all its shape and 12 hours could go by in what seemed like 12 minutes. I spent… I don’t know how long… a few weeks or a month crying nonstop. The reality I thought I had been living in seemed to have been destroyed and I wasn’t sure what reality I was living in any longer. Very slowly though, my mind started to make sense of things and eventually the shocking new bits of information assimilated in my mind to form a reality even more stable than the one which preceded it. Looking back, just a couple months later, I don’t even see what the big deal was. Why should it have come as a surprise at all?

At any rate, this is a song about the planet Uranus. In astrology, he is said to rule events- good or bad- which take you completely by surprise, and I have to say he lived up to his reputation.

 

 

The Jar

The avant garde
a show you’ve never seen
to tap the jar
of homosexuality

Into the night
upon electric wings
a sodomite
and all the organisms that he brings

Go far man
fly through the jar
like a free man
be who you are

Fluorescent lights
he turns away from you
into the night
to drink that mountain dew

The lightning rod
upon his limousine
a smile and a nod
all the things I’ve never seen

Go far man
fly through the jar
like a free man
be who you are

I walk on shaking legs
my mind is hypnotized
balancing on wooden pegs
all the things I’ve never tried

To chase a star
to search in darkness for that door
another world
I don’t believe in anymore, man

Fly through the jar
like a free man
be who you are.

 

Download MP3: The Jar