‘Oh! I wish you were dead. Then I could get some sleep, just please put a bullet in your head. Oh! You better not speak again.’ Slide to the floor, let it hold me once more, my thick and heavy friend.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
Oh! It’s like a parade- Everyone dancing around in the sun while I’m searching for the shade Or someone who can help me understand the things I’ve seen; But the dark world engulfs me, he’ll never let go because I am his queen.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
Oh! So this is the night? And these are the friends who slide under the door in the guise of liquid light? Oh! This is the Column of Heat! You have arrived, now I will shut my eyes because I know it’s safe to sleep.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
This is a song sung by a person who has been murdered. She is singing to her parents who are searching for her, not knowing if she is still alive. It is based on real events. 🙁
I hate dark & scary things. That is why I sometimes write songs about them. Songs can spin bad things out of this reality into another one. For the same reason, I rarely write songs about good things, for fear that I might accidentally spin them out of this world.
Here is the lyrics. That is wrong grammar, right? but I am so tired of good grammar. What has it ever done for me? I just want grammar to match the way I feel. But there are people who judge intelligence by adherence to proper form. I know you aren’t that way, and it is part of why I like you so much.
But I do fear the judgments of others. Mostly, because I don’t feel confident in my ability to survive in this world. Maybe one day I will be walking the streets without food or shelter and the judgments people have of my value will be the only thing standing between me and death.
So, for the sake of survival I try to be dignified. But it is a heavy load to bear. Sometimes I wish I could be free- but you know where freedom leads- straight to the homeless shelter. Or the insane asylum. I also have a fear of being locked up in a mad house, with people using my own words to prove that I am out of my mind. It is a very easy thing for me to imagine.
Did I tell you about the time I was accused of wanting to murder a gigantic man and taken to be evaluated by psychiatrists who viewed my “eccentricities” (such as nail polish & proclivity for walking) as signs of a murderous personality? Did I tell you about the time I was said to have raped a gigantic woman? How would I even do these things and why? I don’t know. But what I do know, is that if you seem different somehow, it is easy for others to project whatever meanings they like onto these differences.
If you want to stay safe, dignity is the best choice. But it is a heavy load to bear.
*
Push through trees at night you’ll never Find the one you’ll love forever. Some die, some don’t; some will, some won’t Follow me & I will show you.
Come find me, keep in mind we won’t be coming home- I am bone.
Shine a flashlight on the dark ground Time changes thing until they can no longer be found. I once swore to go before you Follow me & I will show you.
Come find me, keep in mind we won’t be coming home- I am bone.
When they scream you’ll know they’ve found me Terror and shock they will surround me. Don’t shake don’t cry, I am nearby Follow me and I will show you.
Come find me, keep in mind we won’t be coming home- I am bone.
For a sign
Some people complain about time, boy
I could always see what was mine, boy
I could stand for ever and just watch the stars unwind.
For a name,
A piece of gold to hold in the rain, boy
So buy up all the land you can claim, boy
I will stay behind you in the darkness and I’ll pray-
Pray to men that live in water, men that live in dreams
Show me how to love and conquer, show me what it truly means to
Fall
Show me how to fall.
For a dream
To chase after that glittering gleam, boy
Though things will never be as they seem, boy
Diamonds in your hand evaporating into steam.
And a fate
You can’t stand beside the water and wait, boy
Not many in this world who are brave, boy
I will stay behind you in the darkness and I’ll pray-
Pray to stars that keep us shining, pooling in the night
Stars of love and stars of violence, show us how to truly fight and
Fall
Show me how to fall.
Then the mist
It will flow around you like this, boy
Your thoughts will start to garble and twist, boy
Feeling with your hand to find the something you have missed.
Then the night
It starts when you get used to light, boy
Things will start to dim but not quite, boy
Feeling with your hand you realize that you are dying…
But are you dying from asphyxiation, dying from a flood?
Dying for a drop of luster, dying for some blood?
I will hold you in my mind then, shining like a dream
Emerald lights upon your shoulder- shining like an emerald king and
This song, which I wrote around a month ago, turned out to be prescient, since the following weeks have been spent uncovering secrets and sitting around crying because of them. Oh well. At any rate, I am now left with the feeling that I don’t want to be me anymore. At least not the suffocating me I have grown accustomed to. All I really want out of life is to live on the beach in a tiny pink shack and do psychic readings for people. And have enough money to buy t-shirts, scented soaps, and fish sandwiches. And to be able to swim through the ocean every day with my eyes open.
Would I want to do music? Maybe… I don’t know. Some parts I don’t like, like having to record it and upload it to a website. The process is straightforward and takes very little time, but still I seem to dread it. I am a technophobe, maybe. Plus, it is lonely, but the alternative is to sing and dance on a stage with people watching and that has a hollow feeling as well. Maybe I just don’t feel the need to share anything of myself with the world in the first place. What is the world but a big hollow ball? Why did I ever decide to “express myself” to begin with? I can’t remember what the point was…
When it comes to gold and kings
When it comes to killing things
When it comes to what we know
Stairs that lead us down below
Nightfall, falling away
Nightfall, come and play
Nightfall, will you help us slide
into the place where secrets hide?
All along, we travelled through a star encrusted sky
But did you ever know he watched you fly?
When it comes to giving things
and the happiness it brings
When to bravery and pride
Ribbons on our horses tied
Nightfall, falling away
Nightfall, come and play
Nightfall, will you watch us ride
into the place where secrets hide?
All along, we travelled through a star encrusted sky
But did you ever know he watched you fly?
When it comes to time and space
We remain in the same place
When it comes to killing me
Lift the knife and you will see
Nightfall, tumbling bone
Nightfall, velvet home
Nightfall, bury us inside
to reach the place where secrets hide.
All along, we travelled through a star encrusted sky
But did you ever know he watched you fly?
In my hand I hold your stone Dark glitter, black glass I know I am alone.
Close my eyes I see your face Surrounded by the black of space and the stars They are friends to me now.
Alone- but not crying now Alone- darkness glows somehow Will God punish me? I don’t know But in me something grows Alone.
Close my eyes-I see the outline of your hand Cross my arms- the dark face of another man The dagger lying on the dirt, sleeping baby undisturbed And the roots- they are friends to me now.
Alone- I see colors now Alone- darkness knows me somehow Will he find me here? I don’t know But I know I will crawl to the throne Alone.
In the night, something moves the air On my skin, I feel his darkness everywhere Tall trees bow and bend; I can not pretend Power you have always been my friend.
Alone- no more crying now Alone- darkness shows me how Will God find me here? I don’t know But I know I will reach for the bone Alone.
