Author: julien

Messenger of God

The most important thing I learned in school:

Professor (to me): “What do a crystal and the sky have in common?”

Me (thinking I must have misheard him): “What?”

Professor: “I said, WHAT DO A CRYSTAL AND THE SKY HAVE IN COMMON?!?!”

Me: “Uh, what, um, I don’t know… maybe that they’re clear?”

Professor: “NO! THINK!! THINK!!! WHAT DO A CRYSTAL AND THE SKY HAVE IN COMMON?!?!?!?!?”

Me: “Uh.. uh… I guess they’re both maybe, um…”

Professor “HUMANS CAN’T LIVE IN THE SKY AND THEY CAN’T LIVE INSIDE OF A CRYSTAL, EITHER!!!”

Growing up in Kentucky, no one had ever pointed out the interesting fact that humans can neither live in the sky nor inside of a crystal, but once these words were spoken, I instantly recognized their truth. It is one of the few golden nuggets I collected from my four years at UVA, and hardly a day goes by when I don’t shout these words in my own ear.

What does that have to do with this song? Well, I suppose one theme that flows through a number of my songs is the feeling of being trapped in the sky and trying to come down to earth, or alternately, being trapped in a crystal and trying to break free. Perhaps, you could consider this a song about trying to find someone who will smash through the crystal and drag you down to earth.

Nude man by tiles and a window. — Someone like me, perhaps?

Download MP3: Messenger of God

Tags crystals, down to earth, golden nuggets, lost in the sky, messenger of god, sky, trapped in a crystal

Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Brooklyn Music & Songs

Blue Valley

I made this song up while being driven around the New York highways, from the edge of Brooklyn to Manhattan. The person behind the wheel (well, my ex-husband, if you need to know) always seemed to be in various stages of falling asleep while driving, which caused me great anxiety. I tended to sing and clap loudly in the vain hope that this would help him stay awake. So that is where this song comes from and why there is only clapping and no guitar.

Download MP3: Blue Valley

Tags Brooklyn, clapping, ex-husbands, falling asleep while driving, New York highways, NYC

Music & Songs New Hampshire Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Blue Bird

Post author By julien
Post date June 24, 2014
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I like to think there is a part of our human brains that can understand the language of birds, even if we don’t realize it. Someday, I am sure humans and birds will communicate freely, and we will realize what a large role birds have always played in our world. After all, birds are the type of creatures that make it their business to know your business, and to spread the word far and wide. Their sphere of interest and influence surely extends far beyond their own species. I have witnessed birds acting on behalf of both rabbits and humans on many occasions.

P.S. Yesterday, James pointed out that sometimes my blog posts, such as the one yesterday, might seem to be minimizing my songs. Well, I thought about it and he’s kind of right. Normally, my blogs do tie in more to the superficial meanings of the songs rather than their deeper undercurrents, possibly making the songs seem a touch more whimsical and airy than they might actually be.

But the thing is, when I write a song, I write from my feelings, and when I write a blog post, I write from my brain, and it is almost as though they have two different personalities. My brain is my less developed and more external self who strives to protect me, and the last thing he wants to do is expose guts and vulnerabilities for all the world to see.

Download MP3: Blue Bird

Tags birds, blue bird, brain, feelings, guts, history, human affairs, language of birds, whimsy

Music & Songs New Hampshire Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

Curtains

Post author By julien
Post date June 23, 2014
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Once upon a time, I consulted a psychic, and she told me I should get a part-time job working in a coffee shop and do some light and feminine summer reading. Well, I knew I wasn’t going to get that job in a coffee shop, but I felt guilty about it- especially since I had just read an article that said married women without jobs are committing husband abuse- so I read a mountain of chick lit to make up for it.

This song was inspired by one of those books, I don’t remember it’s name. Probably “The Laces of Summer,” or something like that.

Download MP3: Curtains

Tags chick lit, curtains, feminine literature, part time jobs, psychics, summer reading, The Laces of Summer

Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Kentucky Music & Songs

Soul Baby

Post author By julien
Post date June 15, 2014
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A song I wrote in Kentucky, at a time when I was obsessed with the color white. But not, this time, the clear icy white of the stars, but rather the thick and milky white of the moon.

During the summers I would cover myself from head to toe in the euphoric, almost dirty scent of jasmine flowers, stuffing handfuls of them in my shoes as well, and walk around for hours in the night, through the country and through the town. The moon and the humidity would mix to create a feeling of hope and possibility that soothed the despair which plagued me during the days.

Download MP3: Soul Baby

Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Minerals, Mountains, Crystals, Ice, and White Nashville

Mister will you make love to me?

Post author By julien
Post date June 14, 2014
No Comments on Mister will you make love to me?

A song about my desperation to leave the cold world of outer space and feel earthed again. I wrote this song in Nashville. As a kid, visiting Nashville from Kentucky, I had always liked its warm, earthy vibe, like pizza cooked in a red brick oven. But when I moved there as an adult- around 2006, I think, it didn’t seem the same anymore. It had become citified, slick, black, stylish, and cold. Sure, there was country music, but there wasn’t anything country.

What is country music, anyway? To me, it would be any music inspired by a southern, rural life. It wouldn’t have to fit a certain mold- it could be strange, nonsensical, angry, dull, sad, or wild. It could express the full range of human emotions and the crazy imagination of nature. But Nashville music isn’t rooted in the country, it is rooted in the tradition of country music, which is a very different thing. It pulls its tradition from a handful of 20th century country heroes, a well that becomes more depleted with every song written. Art that draws on other art as its foundation… well, I think it can get a little inbred. That is how we end up with blank canvases and the like hanging up in museums.

But that is just my opinion. The point is, I felt disappointed that Nashville had become more cosmopolitan than homey. I wanted something soft, warm, and natural, but ended up with something cold, hard and plastic. It may be no coincidence that so many of the songs I wrote in Nashville relate to being lost in outer space.

Download MP3: Mister Will You Make Love to Me?

Tags art, cosmopolitan, country heroes, country music, homey, Nashville, outer space

Los Angeles Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire

Clothes

Post author By julien
Post date June 13, 2014
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What a strange little song… probably in the top ten of songs I wouldn’t mind being washed away in the sands of time… why did I even have to mention the word clothes? Why did I think I needed permission to keep my clothes on?

At any rate, at one point in this song I mention my age and my weight, and- just to clear the air- I feel the need to say that neither statistic was accurate.

My weight came from a cop, who said it was his favorite weight for women and offered to write it down as being my weight (which I didn’t know) when I got detained for stealing gummy worms.

I didn’t mean to steal gummy worms- I thought they were free samples. It was my first time inside a giant superstore where they had those clear plastic bins filled with unwrapped candy. I thought I was in heaven eating handful after handful of gummy worms and other candies while wandering around an endless store. Next thing you know, I’m having my mugshot taken and bawling hysterically, certain my life as a respectable citizen is over. I think the cop felt sorry for me and was trying to comfort me by helping me select an ideal weight. At any rate, the whole event scared me so much that I promised God I would never break another rule again- a dangerous vow, since trying to be too good can land you in far more trouble than being a little bad will.

The second inaccuracy in this song was my age, which I lowered by five years after being constantly criticized by my boyfriend for being too immature. I agreed with him that I was immature (getting arrested for gummy worms!), but felt it would be more practical to adjust my age to reflect my development rather than the reverse. In some ways, changing my age was a good idea, since it did lower people’s expectations of me and cause them to praise me more. But I couldn’t keep it up for very long since my nerves were too delicate to be lying all the time.

Still, the basic idea of lowering people’s expectations seemed sound, so I decided to start telling people I was mentally retarded. But that is a story for another day.

Download MP3: Clothes

Tags changing your age, cops, gummy worms, ideal weights, immaturity, mental retardation, mug shots

Brooklyn Minerals, Mountains, Crystals, Ice, and White Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Uncategorized

Cinnamon House

I’ve written a lot of songs that involve a character crossing an endless stretch of frozen land, because I feel a lot of my life has been about perseverance and trying to outlast unbearable situations without going insane- or at least without going insane in a way that is irreversible.

So this song is about a soldier/spice salesman, who uses the warmth of spices to help him and others survive (emotionally & spiritually), a hard, barren, and relentless lifestyle.

Download MP3: Cinnamon House

Tags cinnamon, insanity, perseverance, Russia, soldiers, spices

Dusty Stables Los Angeles Music & Songs Uncategorized

Love it aint’ no Real Estate

Post author By julien
Post date June 10, 2014
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One of my first songs, with their hyper-simplistic Grandma Moses sensibilities.

I used to write a lot of “free love” type songs, because I had just gotten divorced and had a lot of personal experience with the opposite of free love. I had learned that being married to someone meant they could pretty much treat you anyway they wanted, without consequences. My husband liked to give me what he called “Ego Bats” which were basically insults that he would randomly scream out in public, designed to keep my ego in check for the purpose of spiritual growth.

But the ego bats were not all that bad, because at least they were swift and merciful. Usually, the screamings would go on for hours, beginning in a public place until I would leave to escape the humiliation and he would follow me. It would always be the most bizarre and inconsequential things that would set him off, like whether fruit punch tasted like grape juice, or could I wear white socks with a black dress. The yelling was unbearable. Once I managed to climb into his car and lock the doors before he could get in. I sat in the car for a couple hours while he screamed and threw himself against the windows. Those hours are burned into my memory because they were so safe and peaceful, like watching a polar bear in the zoo.

But normally, I didn’t dare to lock him out. I didn’t know what to do. I started painting a giant black eagle on my face every morning. I don’t know why, it was my way of protesting against him, I guess. It stretched all the way from my forehead to my chin and across my face. Maybe it was a cry for help, but if so, it didn’t work. I don’t recall anyone asking me, “Hey, why did you decide to start painting a giant black eagle on your face?” even though I kept it up for a whole semester.

Besides the screaming, the other horrible part was the brain twistings… he would require me to believe the most ridiculous things– that the moon was just 20 miles from the earth, that classy ladies wore “cutaway tops” (shirts with the center part cut out, leaving their chests exposed), that he had just traveled through a space-time warp (space-time warps came up a lot). If I didn’t accept these truths, well, then it was back to the screaming part.

Which is all to say that free love seemed like a pretty good deal to me, considering what I knew to be the alternative.

Download MP3: Love It Ain’t No Real Estate