Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

Buying Pink Things

Recently my mind has been so overloaded it is hard to function. It feels like all I have to do is briefly consider something, and I start to get bombarded with information and insights concerning the object of focus. So I have been putting a bit of my focus on astrology, just as a way of channeling this energy.

And when I connect my mind to one of the planets, I don’t just get abstract insights but also ones regarding my own life. Like, a few days ago I realized my financial problems are rooted in the fact that I attempt to use money to impress others in order to ensure my place in the community and thus my personal safety.

I remember the moment in high school when decided  I would use money this way. I realized people saw me as being weird and that this could be a problem on multiple fronts. But I also noticed that wearing polished, conservative and stuffy clothes could override the messages my personality put out- or at least cast them in a more flattering light.  So, I made a little vow to myself I would always wear clothes that were as normal and pompous as possible. This would be my way of staying safe in the world. I later extended this vow to include all other possessions. It certainly seemed to me that- as an adult- people look to your home, your car, your style of decorating etc, to determine the sort of person you are and how much respect and consideration they should give you.

One thing about being “weird” is that people are likely to reach the conclusion that you are either stupid/insane or some kind of a genius. I have been cast at both ends of this spectrum and- until recently- it seemed to me that an association with money and status would make people more likely to reach for the genius category.

When I was in high school though, seeming intelligent was the least of my concerns. I was branded intelligent at a young age and as long as I went to the same k-12 school with the same group of people, there was little I could do to change that (slightly disagreeable) perception.

At that point, I mostly wanted to fit in. A few years later, my main concern became mateability. It felt like- after looks- a normal personality was the most valuable quality a female could possess. And clothes were the easiest way to accomplish this, since if I focused on acting super normal, it almost seemed to have the opposite effect. Whereas if you wore normal clothes and tried not to say anything, what could go wrong? This is probably why my first boyfriend dumped me for not having a personality.

Eventually, though, I realized men will still mate with you if you seem odd. Some might even like it. Nonetheless, I continued to feel that seeming as normal (which to me meant wealthy, stuffy, snobby, preppy, conservative) as possible was critical to survival. I was terrified of James dying and being left destitute on my own to roam the streets. (He is my only friend and only family member.)  It seemed that a poised and dignified person (ie a nicely dressed person surrounded by stuffy and valuable possessions) would be more likely to garner social support than someone drooling on themselves in an oversized tshirt and no pants. Winning the sympathy of strangers in case of an emergency became my new motivation for wanting to be normal.

A few days ago- after getting in touch with a planet-I had the opportunity to go to Walmart. Since I don’t drive, any time I have the opportunity to visit a store, it feels like a holiday. While admiring all the beautiful things on display, it hit me like a lightening bolt that I struggle financially because I am always buying the wrong things. My attempts to use money to impress others were causing the planets to block me from having any.

I started filling up a cart with everything pastel pink and lavender. It felt like breathing oxygen. Then I left the cart in the middle of the store since I couldn’t pay for it, but did take home a few gems, such as pink notebooks covered in baby kittens- the very sorts of things I try to avoid owning since I feel they will project “I have psychological problems and arrested development” out to the rest of the world.

Now, just to be clear- sticking to the rigid and pompous is what I felt I *should* do- not always what I did in practice. Half of my house and most of my wardrobe is light pink, and if it weren’t this way I couldn’t function at all. But I was always trying to push myself in the other direction- to get by with as little pink as possible. The things I imagined I would spend money on if I got rich were always those that would make me seem wealthy & calcified to others, so that I could finally feel safe. Because a wealthy person- a woman of dignity and grace- will never be left to die on the streets.

But I have come to believe that-although the planets each have their own energy and character- they are working together as a team to accomplish the same goal. The goal being that each person fulfill their own destiny and role in the scheme of life. And my desire to use money as a shield which could protect me from criticism and draw love and support is counter to my personal purpose. If I do manage to ever draw support from the outside world, it will have to be through expressing myself, not hiding behind a mountain of Rolexes.

In essence the planets are aligners. They live above our heads in the spiritual realms to enforce God’s plan and purpose. They can block or challenge us to bring us into alignment with divine plan. But the plan for each person is so unique. Certainly, there are some people who will ONLY achieve their purpose once they learn to hide behind a mountain of Rolexes and project a false image of wealth to impress people. I do not think expressing one’s inner self to the outer world should be the goal of all people.

Now only time will tell if my new understanding of money is superior to my old one!

I have more to say, but it is 4:25 am and getting to where I can hardly keep my eyes open. I can only hope I am still making sense. I will write more later. Thanks for listening!

Me, examining the study of the Governor’s Mansion. This is more or less a lightweight version of the vibe I felt I needed to be projecting.
Categories
Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

Stuffington’s Hall

Finally, a much needed song in which the King of the South defeats the King of the North in battle, or plans to anyway.

To live in a real life Stuffington’s Hall is a fantasy I dream of day and night- the coziest, stuffiest and most pompous home in the world, decorated mostly in shades of brown, filled with leather bound libraries, stone fireplaces, gleaming wood antiques owned by former presidents, and dark paintings of grumpy looking men framed in gold leaf. Or glorious paintings of triumphant generals crushing their enemies in battle.

 

 

Stuffington's Hall

Men, we will stand at the top of this hill;
when we see them approach, we will swoop
down and kill them. Their blood on our
hands, we will lift them up high as
the sparkling sun beams down from the sky.

Yankees they work hard, them Yankees they try,
but November the 1st is the day that they die.
Bless their sweet little hearts; rockaby
in the grave. We will fight for the flame;
and the flame we will save.

We are fire; they are ice-
they will chill us no more.
We will bury their bodies beneath
the dance floor of Stuffington’s Hall.
Please won’t you come, come to the ball?

Now there are two kings-
there can be but one.
He is King of the Ice; I am King of the Sun.
He is sleek and so young; I dumpy and old.
He has made it clear he wants my story to never be told.

From my leather bound books, he would
smudge out the ink with his fingers in gloves
made of synthetic mink. Though his men are alright (and
they’re armed to the gills), we know God is with us-
trapped in the nook of our frills.

So don your gray lace ladies,
don your silk hats.
Twirl round the fruit punch that bubbles in vats.
Tweet, tweet so high-
puffing like cotton upon our blue sky.

We are joy;
they are tears.
We are hopes;
they are fears.
It is us who predates them by hundreds of years.

Old fingers, bold fingers, gold fingers- me!
I am the ruler of all that I see. And I see stars
languishing behind their cold metal bars.

Old fingers, gold fingers, bold fingers- wait!
Til they reach the valley, then don’t hesitate-
swooping down in a wall, and then
join me for a dance in Stuffington’s Hall.

 

Download MP3: Stuffington’s Hall