Father, I need to sit. There’s all of this blood down here- nobody will tell me what it is. Father, what is the time? There’s all of this blood down here- nobody will tell me if it’s mine.
You built a tower in my heart just like a paradise I laid me back to watch so warm in the sand. Clouds flew above me light flashing out of their eagle eyes Now I can feel those cold things starting again.
Father, where are my hands? I need to touch my eyes- something tells me they are hurting me again. Father, am I lying in bed? Why are the curtains drawn? What is this thing upon my head?
You built a tower in a tower in my heart just like a paradise I laid me back to watch so warm in the sand. Sun shimmered on my body like I was a pegasi But now I can feel those cold things starting again.
Father, why are the curtains drawn? So many things to do. I can’t remain in here too long. Father, I need to ask Of all the things you’ve done, which ones are the ones that you’d take back?
You built a world around my heart just like a paradise I laid me back to watch so warm in your hand. Cities they swirled around me like they was a race of lights But now I can feel those cold things starting again.
All of the men in the world lined up side by side A bundle of twigs they wait for the flame. Dance by the fire and you will realize A burning man will never feel the pain.
I never wanted to leave my country- The United States of America- but something came up and I had to go to Argentina. It is scary. I had planned to make my way through life as a Beggar but now I eat gigantic steaks with wine every night. Plus appetizers & desserts. Anything I want.
Here cost is no object. Before it was the only object. I don’t know how to think about this new reality. It will be hard to go back to the world I knew before. If that world still exists.
You don’t know how delicious this food is. So much pleasure squeezed into every meal. I have never been a food person but this is a transcendent experience. A dimension of life I didn’t know existed. Here, you don’t eat to survive. You eat to experience pleasure. And the people you eat with want you to experience pleasure. It makes them happy.
Pleasure is confusing. I always felt my value came from pain. Increasing my pain capacity, my pain appreciation, the value I could extract from pain. Believing I could turn pain into something life sustaining was the source of my confidence.
Now I’m trying to make sense of life through a pleasure lens. I don’t know where this is leading yet. I’m afraid I’ll puff up then dissolve like a cracker left in soup. Doesn’t pleasure make people soft, selfish, inconsequential? It tastes so good tho I can’t say no. Do you have any idea how many flavors are packed into every meal? Little treats they bring you between courses?
What will happen to me if I start to crave pleasure? Will I still be okay with people being assholes? I’m afraid I’ll lose the strengths that helped me survive.
Here I’m supposed to order what I want. Okay then. Appetizer, entree, main course, dessert one. Dessert Two. Wine. More wine. Strange liquors.
No one is critical of me. Before, I worked so hard, but was considered dumb and lazy. Now I’m sprawled in bed like a pig, yet considered smart and kind. The room costs $750 a night. Why? No one knows. Why is the bed the size of a swimming pool? Why are the walls covered in gold? The rules of life have changed. It may be a trick, but it feels so good- bread, wine, cookies, desserts- I can’t pull myself away.
Beds so large. Rooms so gold. The people are educated and polite. Best of all, they are so sympathetic. They never say, “Whose fault is that, bitch?!” when you slip on a marble floor. It’s “My poor baby!” instead. They don’t hoard money but let it go like feathers. Why am I in this world and what am I supposed to learn from it? Am I really here just to pleasure myself? Is there some deeper meaning?
The people are so smart. Their thinking is conventional. They never peer behind curtains to see what is hidden. If a dog is sleeping they let it lie. Why rock the boat when each person is served a giant toasted cheese- the size of a book- to eat before dinner?
Everyone speaks different languages too. If they wanted to say something snarky how could they? It’s buenos and smiles as far as the eye can see.
And if you want to walk home after dinner, you’ll be escorted. If you prefer to drive, you’ll be driven. I don’t know what is happening but I hope it turns out well.
Two weeks later I’m back on American soil. Slippers is so happy.
