I’ve been trying to figure out why I always end up in abusive situations. As a single woman, I must change this to survive. And it’s not just romantic relationships- I tend to end up scapegoated, bullied, slandered etc almost everywhere I go.
It was puzzling to me, because I’m more or less a nice person. Definitely nicer than those that bully me. I thought maybe it was because I was too outspoken. But about half my life I’ve been quieter than a mouse and that didn’t help- the pattern continued. I thought maybe it was because people found me eccentric, but then again there are plenty of eccentric people who don’t get bullied- many are bullies themselves. So I decided that couldn’t be the reason either.
But luckily I found the answer.
Basically, humans approach relationships either through their solar plexus, heart, or ideally a combination of both.
The solar plexus is our stomach and our ego. The part of us that thinks- What about ME?! What’s good for me? What are you offering me? What do I want? How did I get to be so awesome?
At best it motivates us to express ourselves through meaningful work, building self-esteem in the process. But meaningful work alone does not satisfy the ego. It needs to be acknowledged and valued by the world, treated well and seen for what it is (minus the bad things.)
The ego also gives us our intellectual strength. It is rational, but since it cares so much about winning and being wonderful, it frequently warps rationality into rationalization to convince us of our own superiority & blamelessness. The ego projects the negative onto others & the positive onto ourselves. It is our biggest cheerleader.
The heart is the reverse. It projects positive energy onto others and sees their value. It causes us to feel pain and shame if we trespass against them. It seems the world through the lens of relationships. Others are so wonderful, in the eyes of the heart, that life without them feels empty. The heart feels longing and loneliness.
The heart’s focus is to benefit others and maintain our connection with them. This gives the heart pleasure. It processes their needs and issues. It wants to understand and to help.
In the absence of hearts, relationships are about what you can get from the other person- sex, money, laundry, an ego boost? The second you feel you are giving more than you are receiving, you are gone. Because this translates to the solar plexus as losing. Which it hates most of all.
To the heart, service is lightness and joy. It feels like flying. But to the solar plexus, serving someone else is torture. What am I getting out of this? Resentment builds and is suppressed, because the solar plexus realizes resentment is not an attractive trait and it wants to be seen in a good light. The solar plexus realizes it must feign heart qualities to seem admirable.
The solar plexus/heart divide pretty much lines up with ideas of avoidant vs. anxious attachment which are currently trending. To the anxious/heart person relationships are everything. They will be more anxious about someone losing interest in them than they would be about losing their home. Because the heart is detached from concerns like survival. It might find dying for love quite romantic.
And though big hearts make a person caring, this care can feel icky or smothering to those on the receiving end. Some people just want to live their life without knowing how much you love them. And if those on the receiving end have little or no heart themselves, they will likely interpret the caring as coercive rather than a cute but annoying excess of heart juice.
Meanwhile the avoidant/solar plexus partner can seem more like a narcissist because they are mostly thinking about themselves. In the absence of a working heart what else can they think about? They may be a good person and have a strong sense of ethics but they lack the mechanisms which cause us to feel pleasure from putting others first. Even if they know they should want to give, they experience it as a loss.
The ego experiences envy- worrying that another person is better than us. The heart experiences jealousy- worrying that someone is threatening our relationship. Solar plexus people don’t understand jealousy and tend to demonize it. Perhaps they would miss the relationship if it disappeared but they can’t access those feelings easily like the heart person can. They have trouble accessing tears as well, unless they are tears of frustration or manipulation. Tears also live in the heart.
Heart people tend to have trouble accessing anger. They come up with more and more reasons for a loved one’s atrocious behavior- a horrible childhood, a delicate nature- and end up showering even MORE love on the people who hurt them.
Most commonly, men seem to be with ones with bloated stomachs/egos and trouble accessing their heart. Women tend to be the ones with bloated hearts who can’t access their ego.
Once your heart gets bloated enough & your solar plexus sufficiently shriveled, you are certain to be a permanent victim. How can it be otherwise? You lack all the emotions, thoughts, triggers, motivations & intelligences that cause people to stand up for themselves.
When someone purposefully stomps on your foot no outrage fires in your mind. You wonder what you did wrong and how you can make it better. Maybe you would want to step on the gas, but the gas peddle just isn’t there.
So you see, the cure to being a victim is simply to discover your ego and- like a withered plant- bring it back to life.
Stay tuned and I will tell you how it’s done!