I’ve been too scared to blog for a while because I’ve entered a new phase of my journey- healing.
Healing- after survival & stabilization- is the second phase in recovering from prolonged trauma- such as war or domestic battery.
I fear anyone reading this will be throwing up in their mouths right now because…
A) The very concept of healing sounds self-indulgent, almost narcissistic. What do you need to heal from you stupid bitch? It’s life, get over it.
B) I just compared domestic battery to war. I fear people will resent that because domestic violence has become something of a joke. My personal opinion (trigger alert) is that it became a joke when there was a push to redefine it as genderless crime & people like Johnny Depp bravely declared themselves battered men because they got slapped in the face after trashing their girlfriend’s bedroom. The word became “Violence is bad and any form of angry physical contact is violence.” I’ve heard people say that throwing a q-tip & holding a gun to someone’s head are equally bad cause “It’s all violence.”
But to me it isn’t. Violence is something which causes or threatens to cause grave bodily harm or death. Domestic violence means living in a state of terror, confusion & subjugation. Living in an environment where you are afraid someone will hurt or kill you and you don’t know how to leave. But rather than fight, you try harder and harder to please. Your mind separates into two pieces. One piece knows you must get away. This one starts out as a tiny dot which grows imperceptibly each time the violations are severe. The other piece is a wife trying more and more desperately to please her husband. This piece is unaware she is afraid of him, she is just so desperate to please.
Once you leave- IF you manage to leave- and IF you find a reasonably healthy way to survive- you have two tasks:
- You must somehow leave the state of constant terror/anxiety/desperation/chaos because in this state you cannot think clearly or make good decisions. But it is hard to do when this has become your normal setting.
- You have to unfuck your mind. Change how you think & make sense of life. Because if you don’t, someone will refuck you.
Perhaps if a previously healthy person was in a bad relationship for a few years it might be somewhat straightforward to return to the person they were before. But I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t terrified and trying to please, where my mind wasn’t divided into separate streams of memory- one stream containing all the good, the other containing the bad, and both streams unaware of each other.
I don’t understand why I always end up in these situations. I am sure it is something I’m doing… but what?
This is why I’ve taking some time to heal and enter a victim phase. I like the word victim because it is taboo. Everyone is so worried you will see yourself as a victim and take on a victim identity. Maybe I will use my victim card to get free cookies and shoulder massages from hard working people. People are concerned you that you will love being a victim so much you will make it your permanent identity.
But the thing is…. Those who continually wind up victimized DON’T see themselves as victims. That is part of the problem. Someone can drag them out of bed by their feet drop them on their head, kick them then spit in their ear and they feel this is a normal interaction between consenting adults. The inability to acknowledge when they are being victimized allows the cycle to continue.
These people are terrified to see someone else as bad. Because they have learned that this is dangerous. Even if you were to secretly acknowledge to yourself that someone else’s behavior is wrong, it could be dangerous. Because you would instinctively start to rebel. To stand up for yourself. Then things get worse. The way to be safe is to not see what is happening. Eventually you are so upside down its hard to know what is normal anymore because you just don’t have any reference points.
Good boundaries don’t magically stop a person from being victimized. I’m sure there were plenty of holocaust victims with great boundaries- at least before the horror began. But the violence & lack of power begin to break your boundaries down. You start to learn that self-assertion doesn’t serve you. You try to be small, bland and compliant.
But once you re-emerge from an abusive situation, your concentration camp boundaries DO make you more vulnerable. Plus you are desensitized to being mistreated. Red flags don’t trigger you like they should.
In domestic situations, you learned to try and love the danger away. You may instinctively dole out care in exchange for pain. You know how to be tiny & flexible with low standards & no needs, attracting those who want to use you. You’ve lost confidence in your own perceptions. You are afraid to negatively judge anyone’s behavior because flattery and idealization make you feel safe.
So I’m trying to rewire myself. Because I want to be a useful and productive member of this world. I am trying to understand how I came to be wired up like a victim, but mostly what I can do to change it.
I’ve learned a few wisdoms so far….To avoid those who insult, degrade or neg me. To avoid those who criticize or yell incessantly. To avoid those who talk nonstop about themselves and show no interest in me.
I’ve also realized I should stop consuming content that hurts and degrades women. Like podcasts where men vomit all over your sense of reality until you don’t feel good about life. And I must stop talking to myself harshly. A big part of healing seems to be learning to treat yourself how you want to be treated. This starts to normalize an uplifting vibe causing things which bring you low to register as repulsive.
I’ve also learned that I must use my rational mind more when making decisions. I can see that in the past I mostly made decisions driven by guilt, pity, fear, loneliness, pain, compulsion & hunger for love. Trying to move in the direction that would end the pain. Instead, you are supposed to turn on your brain and ask it, “What course of action is most likely to promote my long-term happiness?”
I think though that this healing process has made me more sensitive. I feel more hesitant to share things because being pelted with criticism and hatred doesn’t feel as palatable as it used to. I once prided myself on being immune to negative feedback. It felt like a massage. Now I just want to be in a safe place.
