Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Writings

Hollowing Out

The scariest thing is when you love someone but slowly they begin to hate you and you don’t know why and so you try harder but you can’t be good enough and day by day they start to read more and more sinister motives into your actions until eventually you are an evil psychopath and there is nothing you can do about it. But you still love them. And you want them to love you. But you can’t control their perceptions. You don’t know why after basing your life around them you are morphing uncontrollably into this dark and sinister figure in their mind. And they treat you accordingly. Punishing you for the bad things you’ve done. And you want them to love you. They aren’t just a part of your life, they are your whole life.

And anything that goes wrong it is because of you. All negative feelings they have are because of you. If they don’t get out of bed, if they don’t have a clear head, it is because you did that to them. You are the essence of everything evil. But you want them to love you. And you don’t want to get help even if you need it because if you do they will hate you for making them look bad. But they already hate you. And you don’t know why. And you want to change it but you can’t.

And other women are good. They are deep and insightful. He tries to get them to open up. He tells you you aren’t allowed to talk. You are the essence of everything evil. But you just want him to love you. You would do anything if you could make him love you again. But you can’t.

You try every piece of advice. The problem is you are too boring, so you try to be interesting. But you aren’t. Because you don’t even exist except when something goes wrong. When something feels wrong. When there is a memory of wrongs long ago. Then you are the cause. The problem is you aren’t respectful. So you try not to have opinions and to always agree. Mental submission is the easy part.

The hard part is when he tells other women he loves them. If you find this behavior hurtful he says you are deranged. It is just a game. A game that you started. Other women don’t get upset when their husbands tell other women they love them. They wouldn’t scream or cry! Look at you! Have you looked in the mirror? You do this because you are an angry person. You are evil. You threaten people. He is scared of you.

And I could endure anything if I felt he truly loved me. Violence, poverty, insanity, I don’t care. But if they don’t even love you, then what was the point of it all? You give everything you can think of to give, always coming up with new things but in the end you are just the cause of their problems. Someone else is wonderful. She is so deep. He knows this because she doesn’t say much, just responds LOL to everything he types. How can she pack so much meaning into a few letters? Because she is good. You are bad. She is caring. You are a psychopath.

He tells her this. That you play games. She says wow you really need to get out of there. He doesn’t say what these games are that you play. If you knew what they were you would try to stop playing them. And you can’t ask him what they are because you aren’t allowed to ask questions. It is one of the rules. Meanwhile he tells her, “You know you can ask me anything you want.” She is allowed to ask him questions because she isn’t evil. But she doesn’t have any question to ask him. LOL.

You keep thinking of what you can do to change the situation, to turn things around. But he’s already told her he doesn’t love you, he’s just with you to have access to his computers. He’s just with you until the trial is over. You make him dinner. He eats it and leaves angrily. You wonder if he is reading this. If he is he won’t like the way he is portrayed and will never love you again.

But how can you make him love you again? You tried magic, prayer, cooking, cleaning, praising, listening, silence, obedience, jumping at any chance to be helpful although mostly he just wants you to leave him alone except for when he needs you to listen to him tell you about the bad things you’ve done. You got upset. That messed up his chemicals. It jacked up his cortisol and took away his dopamine and now he can’t work. Because of you. Two days later, seven days later his brain chemistry is still off. All because you got upset because he told another woman he loved her. He told you not to look through his stuff!

You tell him your love language is words and ask if he could say something nice to you sometime. You wait. You try phrasing it in a different way, making sure not to apply any pressure. Instead he asks her what her love language is. He tells her how pretty she is. Mesmerizing.

But he tells you it is just a game. In reality he thinks she has a pedosmile. She reminds him of his mother. You don’t know what to think.

You always felt his mother had a desire to interfere in your marriage even though she is dead. But this is probably too far out to blog about. No one will understand. Back before you became a psychopath he might have listened to you when you said something like that. Maybe. Bur you have learned not to bring those things up. You are a liar. A gaslighter.

And all you wish is that he would come back and that you could be good again and he could love you. And you could help him with whatever he is dealing with. And he could treat you with respect and affection. Because you have the house. The two dogs. The possessions you are now selling off to pay the electricity bill. It was all part of a dream of love and security. But writing this will make him look bad. Maybe you are a fucking psychopath.

You warned him about this three years ago. That he would start projecting dark things onto you. That he would be attracted to dark women who represented the worst parts of him. That he could go to jail. You had a dream about it. But his perspective is different. You aren’t the one who tried to warn him. You are the one who made it all happen. You are pure hatred.

And all I wish is that James would come back. There is just this feeling in my chest & I want him to hold me even though he never really does that anymore. I don’t know what I did wrong.

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