Tag: death

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Uncategorized

The Original Lie

Waves of grey, waves of light.
Don’t fall now- you know you have to
Make it through just one more night.

But I …. know she comes again
I can smell the stinking smell of
Unwashed hair with sin.

Oh men, they need a place to lay the evil that’s inside.
But please girl don’t you be that place,
Just find a way to run and hide!

Oh please run fast, oh please run far
No never stop until you find the world
Where no one knows you, then you’ll cry.

But don’t be scared. Afraid to die.
That was just the original lie.

Waves of grey, waves of pain.
When they settle down what kind of world
Do you think will remain?

Cause I… know she comes again.
I can feel the rotting smell of lying to so many men.

And I. I run so far.
I will run until I find the world
Where no one ever knew me and then I

Won’t be afraid to die.
That was just the original lie.

Waves of stink- I feel her there
In a room by herself and
It’s too dark to think of anybody else

And so she comes. Comes again.
Sometimes you just bow your head and
Let the darkness win and then you run.

Run so far. I will run until
I find a world where no one ever knew me and then I
Won’t be afraid to die
That was just the original lie.

Original LieDownload

My new bed which came as a box of 5,000 bars. I wasn’t going to bother even trying especially since my wrist is messed up so I can’t turn screws but three people from the shelter showed up like angels & put it together. Megatron* sent me green sheets. So many people have been helpful that sometimes I cry from guilt because I know I’ll never repay them.

That is Glenn on the right, my oldest friend, & Snuffles on the left. Meat** said it looks like a prison bed, which may be just what I need since prisoners are hard & wily.

I feel so afraid. I have to go to court in 10 days for J’s trial & I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or what will happen. It’s horrible. All I wish is that there was something I could do to make things good.

The shelter ladies gave me a choice between a green and a gray basket of home goods & I chose green. It feels like green is the color guiding me forward.

* Megatron is the being formed by women acting collectively. I can’t believe how many women have helped me. It’s humbling. I really don’t think the negative stereotypes about females are true. It seems to me they are angelic beings.

** Meat is the name of a human friend. A lady.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Red, Soldiers, & Fire

Please Don’t Hurt Me

Okay this is a song. I hope it sounds like one but I am too nervous to listen because this is my first attempt recording by myself which I have to do since I moved out on my own which is very sad and scary but by the end James was just screaming at me all the time that he was terrified of me and I was a psychopath and I made it so his brain didn’t work and he needed me gone so he could think and I didn’t really know what to do so finally I did what he wanted, just like I always did, and left.

I was already enrolled in a program through the women’s shelter to be placed somewhere so they are paying my rent for the first year. If it wasn’t for that I don’t know what I would have done. I don’t understand what is going on with James, if he is suffering from something or messing with me, but by the end restrictions had become so severe that it was a feat to accommodate him. I started to take pride in my ability to contort into more and more ridiculous positions.

The rules went from not being allowed to ask questions to not being allowed to speak. At all. Because one word from me could be so disruptive to his brain that he would be compelled to stay in bed for three weeks recovering and missing important meetings.

But the more I was expected to stay perfectly silent & calm the more he would amp up the behaviors most likely to upset me and make them more and more obvious, such as his romantic interactions with other women. By the end, I just accepted this and remained unmoved. It was the only option left.

And he was still allowed to speak of course, since he was not the terrifying psychopathic one. Every day he would unleash on me multiple times about how I had ruined his life, stopped his brain from working, lost him a billion dollars that very day etc. By the end, not talking & silently accepting everything was no longer good enough because by then my very presence threw him into a state of terror.

I moved out close to 2 weeks ago and at first just felt extremely sad about losing this perfect love. But as time moves on I am starting to see other things that make me feel other feelings. Like fear. At home I was not allowed to be afraid of him. Because I was the terrifying one.

Setting up the kitchen in my new home. I really hope this works out. I have to admit I felt much safer with James at the wheel.

Please don’t hurt me.
Please don’t let them do me harm.
If they try let them die
By your arm.

Please don’t let them touch what’s mine.
Please no sneaking behind my back.
And all the treasures they defile
Bring them back.

Let me fly God let me fly
Let me watch the world below.
Blood is flowing in the streets
Let it flow, let it flow.

Let me see God let me see
Give me eyes on every side
And when they come again for me God
Let them die.

Always thought your way was love, I never knew a thing.
God is not sweet words, a smile, a home, a diamond ring.
God is not the man who stands by you when you kneel down to pray.
He only stands behind you when you slay.

You wanted me to rise and sing
You wanted me so tall
To kick and spit and elbow when they had me gainst the wall.

You wanted me to scream and curse
And bite them in the dick
And not to care what other people think.

If God lives he lives through us
so rise up from your bed.
And let him place the crown upon your head.

Please Don’t Hurt MeDownload
Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia men My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

Terror


(I wrote this around couple weeks ago, I guess. Before the last astrological storm which led to James’s disappearance. I asked him how he would feel about me publishing it and he said it was fine, but that nothing I wrote was true.This made me feel a sense of relief so I went the dignified route of keeping feelings to myself. But in the end they were prescient, so may as well share them now.)

Now I’m scareder than ever. The last storm was as bad as I feared it would be- sluts, crime, violence, financial disasters- and I just realized that another one is upon me when Mars joins Uranus in James’s House of Sex & Death.

I really feel he’s going to leave me and somehow it will be my fault. It will be something I did. Maybe this blog post. But if not this then something else.

The other day I couldn’t take the pain of what was happening. I kicked a door so hard I can’t walk anymore. James says this was me using the threat of violence to control him.

The bad parts of him leaving are two-fold. One, he has been my whole life. When I fell in love with James I thought I had found True Love and that became my religion, my reason for existing. To accept that it wasn’t real would be the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

Secondly, I have no idea how to survive on my own. He always wanted to support me and encouraged me to rely on him for everything. This was fine because it allowed me to pursue my interests, which he supported. But also it makes it harder to set boundaries when you’ve never earned a living, don’t have a drivers license, a bank account, don’t know how to pay bills etc. I have no idea how the world works and doubt I would be able to cut it.

But I know it would be wrong to stay with someone who doesn’t want you. I guess I still believe in love.

Weird things are happening in James’s mind. More and more I seem to be associated with all the pain and frustration inside.. And other people who he could potentially have sexual relations with have come to be associated with relief from pain. And positive feelings.

More and more he sees bad in me. Devious intentions which I don’t believe are there. Nothing I do seems capable of shifting it. Meanwhile other females have become easy targets on which to project his positive feelings. They aren’t a part of his life. They are just blank screens onto which he can project his own needs and desires. How can I compete with that?

Suddenly, after eleven years of marriage, everything about me is wrong. I am too mentally fast. That is his biggest complaint. Also I never listen. But I listen all the time. He says ‘Yeah but you never understand.’ So I try harder to understand. And yet somehow I never succeed. I make him think too much. I don’t wear enough camouflage (I was literally wearing camouflage shorts when he said this.) I don’t like to get muddy. (I don’t know if this is true, because he has never asked me to do anything involving mud.)

He likes the way the online women communicate better. They mostly just say LOL all the time. But they say it with a depth of understanding someone like me can only dream of. I am mental. They hear with the soul.

So what can I do? I have to prepare to stand alone in this world. The upcoming astrological storm is likely to be more traumatic than the last one. But I don’t know how to make a living.

I get tens of thousands of downloads a month and over a thousand readers a day but probably make around 100 dollars a year. I do astrology readings but just on a donation basis. I haven’t had a job since I was a teenager. I don’t drive, so how will I get groceries? I am so scared.

But I can’t stay if he doesn’t love me. That’s what I was here for, not money or security. And I am trapped in this fun house where no matter what I do, no matter how good I try to be, I get a negative projection returned. I can do no right and online women can do no wrong. He calls them his fireflies. He calls me cuntface. I can only assume this means he wants to be rid of me.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Writings

The Grapes of Practicality

I can’t even tell you what this last astrological storm has been like. For my husband, who deals- by his own choice- with 100% of life’s practical matters it has been one disaster after another, bordering on the catastrophic. It is a level 6 hurricane and we are still huddled inside the house waiting to see what happens. Will we be crushed alive screaming in pain as the life slowly slips from our eyes? (Channeling my father now.) Time will tell.

For me, however, it has been a time of empowermints as though the threat of ruin has given me wings. I’ve managed to do things I thought I was incapable of doing. And it’s been really fun. Where do I begin? I figured out how to open a bank account. I figured out how to ride a bus. I figured out how to get a library card. I figured out how to put buttons on my site encouraging you to slide me bits of money under the table. I figured out how to fill out government forms. I learned what bills are and some of the things you can do with them. I figured out how to set up an ebay account and sell things. A book has sold, so tomorrow I will figure out how to buy packing supplies and use the post office. It’s almost like I’ve figured out how to figure things. I see a problem and muscles start to move in my head. A lightbulb has gone on.

I’ve always felt so helpless. I don’t know why. I would just stare at practical things unable to comprehend what they were and how I should respond. It made me feel ashamed because I assumed people would believe I was being intentionally pathetic as a way of forcing them to help me. So I never asked for help and lived within my limitations.

Now that has changed. I spent the whole bus ride asking the driver practical questions on how busses work. I asked the librarians practical matters about other buildings located downtown. Every person I meet, I try to extract as much practical info from them as I can without seeming weird.

After about 5 days of pure practicality however today I hit a wall and was unable to move. Do you think the more practical you become, the heavier you get until eventually you can’t move at all? Could this be God’s way of keeping humans from becoming so practical we can interfere with his plans? Can this practicality streak continue, or is it just a temporary spike from which I will once again descend into a pool of helplessness?

I don’t know. My thoughts on practicality are two-fold. On the one hand, it is just practical to be practical. It gives you more options in the practical realms. On the other hand, the weird part is, despite the limitations in my life caused by impracticality, I feel free. Like my life has meaning. I’ve been talking to a lot of people recently. Some seem to go so far as to feel that if you don’t have your own bank account and car you aren’t really alive. I don’t feel that way. I think a person (but hopefully not me) can live just as meaningful an existence from a prison or mental institution as they can driving around in a pickup truck & taking yearly vacations.

It may be that these wings of practicality are paper wings that won’t last forever. After all- at least according to astrology- my life’s purpose is in the House of Imprisonment and Mental Institutions. I like to think that is metaphorical, meaning I find my true wings from looking within myself.

Oh! A practical idea just occurred to me! Would you like to know what your life purpose is and where you can find your wings? If so, slip me some sweet sweet money and I’ll tell you. Money is the first principle of Practicality, the principle upon which all other principles depend. In fact, it will probably be my success or failure in gaining money that will determine if this practical streak continues, or if my library card just sits rotting in my new wallet as the light slowly fades from his eyes….

P.S. My Dad. When I was a kid he loved to tell me about people dying and crying and screaming in agony as the awareness of impending doom entered their mind. He also liked to sing me songs about puppies being ground into sausage as he was putting me to sleep and then he would rock me as I cried in horror.

That is how a person becomes a Scorpio.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Minerals, Mountains, Crystals, Ice, and White Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

The Pink Horizon

Well then after the fire
Came the pink horizon
And they would gaze as though
It surprised them they way it would glow.

Lasted day after day
While the sun set and rised
And there it’d stay as people
Remained all bewildered and so.

Oh, my God! Was there something I missed?
Oh did I live my whole life in a mist but I just didn’t know?

Oh, my God! Was there something I failed to see?
For I thought I knew this old world, now it’s dazing me so.

So they picked up their tools
And they went back to work again
Even fools could see this world
Would win even so.

Sweating under the sun
As the pink light impaled them
With it’s light and they inhaled
A new sense of right and wrong.

Oh, my God! Was there something I missed?
Oh did I live my whole life in a mist but I just didn’t know?

Oh, my God! Was there something I failed to see?
For I thought I knew this old world, now it’s dazing me so.

Many days come and gone
The pink light would remain
As though the world was exactly
The same though it wasn’t at all.

People scratching their heads…
Could it be maybe we are dead?
We’ve arrived and this is the time
That we’ve waited to come?

Oh, my God! Was there something I missed?
Oh did I live my whole life in a mist but I just didn’t know?

Oh, my God! Was there something I failed to see?
For I thought I knew this old world, now it’s dazing me so.

The Pink HorizonDownload

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Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Uncategorized Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

The Bird King

This song was from a dream. Mostly at the moment I only write songs when I hear them in dreams which can be annoying because I don’t always want to wake up. But I usually do, just in case there is some meaning behind it.

A bigger problem though is that dream songs have some added dimension that can’t be captured…. kind of like they are being sung from all directions at once- or there is some kind of harmony but not any harmony that can be replicated…. it is just like there is an additional dimension somehow that creates a feeling of infinite spaciousness, but when you wake up that dimension is gone & all you can write down are the melody and words. I suppose you could try to replicate that other quality with a children’s choir & orchestra, but I am lactose intolerant.

Take a step into the silence
Smell the air- the scent of violence
To close your eyes & tell us all what you see.

A single bird on the tallest tree now
From all directions a harmony
Somehow I know- we must follow his lead.

‘Yes I flew up to the tallest tree
O do you see me there? Hellow it’s me-
I have been watching you
I am the reason you cried.

I alone am the crown of kings
I am the god of birds and little things
You oughtta know by now
I’ll be the reason you die.

I fell down.
I was saved.
I was thrown.
In a pauper’s grave.’

Wading now into the water
Oh my god, are you my father?
A little boy crying there at your feet.

The waters clear & the pictures come now
From all directions the boys will drum now
A sea of men blowing into the creek.

‘Look again into the tallest tree
And you will see me there- bow to me
I have been watching you
I am the reason you cried.

I alone am the crown of kings
I am the god of birds and little things
You oughtta know by now
I’ll be the reason you fly.

I fell down.
I was saved.
I was thrown.
In a pauper’s grave.

The Bird KingDownload
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men Music & Songs Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Uncategorized Videos

Far (Video)

(Can you please just ignore the way my face looks in the frozen video screen? Youtube just selects a random moment from the video & it is hard to sing in a way where you never look weird. The hardest part of being a musician is how you are also supposed to be a professional engineer. And someone who likes to be on stage. And self promoter, etc etc etc)

Can you close your eyes we’re almost there?
I can feel the tendrils of his hair
Look I see the pole they said that we’d find
First you know we saw it in our mind.

Close your eyes and let him start to speak
First we fall down limply then go weak
Though we cannot move we see the star
And we know this man will take us FAR.

First we feel his hands caress our face
Lips that part too gently to erase
All the things that lay behind us now
Things that hurt us in the mind somehow.

Darkened hands that lifted up the lid
Of the heavy black box where we hid
Till those heavy hands became a star
And we knew this man would take us FAR.

Sister hold my hand it’s just the two of us to withstand what he gives.
Let your mind give way you know they say the one who dies will be the only one lives.

First his eyes seem black then they seem blue
First he watches me then watches you
As though we were dancing though we lie
Paralyzed and facing towards the sky.

Then we feel his hands begin to touch
Do we like it no or very much?
Either way we’re flying in his car
We have found the man who takes us FAR.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Hurricane, West Virginia Music & Songs Purple, Magic & Sorcerers

The Magician (Album)

Since I am in the process of updating & readjusting the songs on my various albums, I wanted to save this version here, along with my explanation of magicians & how they are formed below…

At first this was going to be two separate albums: The Magician (songs about a magician) and Crazy 8s (songs about people being sacrificed, raped, and murdered). However, I have come to feel these albums are really one and the same, because it is the people who get raped and murdered who come back to life as magicians. Terror, shock, and horror are the parents of supernatural power. Why? I don’t know. I think of our souls as being minerals, transformed by circumstances good and bad. Circumstances sufficiently horrifying knock out a piece of our humanity and replace it with something animalistic, straight from nature.  Or, to put a psychological spin on it, being overpowered creates an obsession with power. Being overpowered by forces outside our control leads to a desperate need to extend our sphere of control. And so we turn to the occult.

However, before you run out and try to get murdered, keep in mind that this process of going through a black hole (as I like to think of it) will generally not work out in your favor. If, on the other hand, you have already been murdered, you may as well embrace the changes that have occurred and try to make the best of it.

So, what is a magician? Someone who uses supernatural power, of course. And what is supernatural power? It is the power of nature- not just whales and recycled paper, but all the power, life force and emotion built into the material world. Including factories, plastics, atom bombs and everything we consider bad. To me, coal, oil, the soil of a graveyard at midnight, or the frightening feeling of walking through a dense forest after dark best capture the essence of this supernatural power. It is black, rich, without morals, and capable of anything.

This contrasts it with spiritual powers, which connect to the divine hierarchy to enact change in the world. Spiritual powers are subject to the many rules and regulations of divine will. On the spiritual planes, power is never separated from wisdom. There are spiritual forces with more wisdom than power, but never the reverse. Therefore, connecting to the spiritual realm for help is generally safe. Perhaps you will get no help at all, but you are unlikely to be harmed.

Supernatural powers- or black magic, as they are commonly known- have no built in safeties, however. The forces involved make no judgments as to what should or should not be.  Therefore, the unwise, or (even worse) brave magician is almost certain to bring disaster on himself. The fact that his powers are borne of trauma, and he is likely filled with unresolved rage, terror, and confusion does not help at all. Most likely his powers will end up destroying his self and wreaking havoc on those around him. Think wife beaters, addicts, prostitutes… anyone whose life is filled with destructive black chaos… anyone with dark and obsessive emotions they cannot control.

So make it your goal to avoid going through one of these black holes, if possible.  The best way is to stay safe and not put yourself in harm’s way. When that is not an option, the second best choice is to fight as hard as you can. Whether it is a human or natural cause that is trying to take you down, if you try your best to win and defeat your enemies, no matter the outcome, you will come back stronger. Even if you are killed in a bar fight, so long as you fight your very hardest, you will not be sent through a black hole but instead be reborn as a man with giant muscles. No matter what the odds are, always pretend you have a chance, and fight accordingly. Do your best to crush your enemies and reach for the golden victory. Hold nothing back.

If, however, you have already been through a black hole (many are sent through as children, when they are too naive and trusting to know they should fight), the best thing you can do is to try to gather enough golden wisdom to balance out your black power. Gold is a dry and uplifting color that will drain out some of the seethingness and connect you to the angels.

So at any rate, these are songs about magic, magicians, and the color black.

Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Videos

I am Bone (Video)

This is a song sung by a person who has been murdered. She is singing to her parents who are searching for her, not knowing if she is still alive. It is based on real events. 🙁

I hate dark & scary things. That is why I sometimes write songs about them.  Songs can spin bad things out of this reality into another one.  For the same reason, I rarely write songs about good things, for fear that I might accidentally spin them out of this world.

Here is the lyrics. That is wrong grammar, right?  but I am so tired of good grammar. What has it ever done for me? I just want grammar to match the way I feel. But there are people who judge intelligence by adherence to proper form. I know you aren’t that way, and it is part of why I like you so much.

But I do fear the judgments of others. Mostly, because I don’t feel confident in my ability to survive in this world. Maybe one day I will be walking the streets without food or shelter and the judgments people have of my value will be the only thing standing between me and death.

So, for the sake of survival I try to be dignified. But it is a heavy load to bear. Sometimes I wish I could be free- but you know where freedom leads- straight to the homeless shelter. Or the insane asylum. I also have a fear of being locked up in a mad house, with people using my own words to prove that I am out of my mind. It is a very easy thing for me to imagine.

Did I tell you about the time I was accused of wanting to murder a gigantic man and taken to be evaluated by psychiatrists who viewed my “eccentricities” (such as nail polish & proclivity for walking) as signs of a murderous personality? Did I tell you about the time I was said to have raped a gigantic woman? How would I even do these things and why? I don’t know. But what I do know, is that if you seem different somehow, it is easy for others to project whatever meanings they like onto these differences.

If you want to stay safe, dignity is the best choice. But it is a heavy load to bear.

*

Push through trees at night you’ll never
Find the one you’ll love forever.
Some die, some don’t; some will, some won’t
Follow me & I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

Shine a flashlight on the dark ground
Time changes thing until they can no longer be found.
I once swore to go before you
Follow me & I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

When they scream you’ll know they’ve found me
Terror and shock they will surround me.
Don’t shake don’t cry, I am nearby
Follow me and I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Plants and the Emerald Kingdom Red, Soldiers, & Fire

The Mountain Pass

Touch my arms- where did I go?
Did I die? Please tell me no.
Touch my eyes- what do I see?
Pink clouds from behind a tree.

They fly, but so could I
Like a flag upon the air
And when they fly to paradise
I wish someone would take me there.

Roll me over, wake me up
Tell me once more who I am
Am I soldier? Am I death?
Am I muscles? Am I man?

Tell me once more how to dream
Then smack me wide eyed with your palm.
Fill my lucky blue canteen
We’ll climb the horses and be gone.

Someone is going to die
But praise the gods, it won’t be I!
Upon our horses, two by two
We fly the flags through which wind blew.

Gods, I don’t want to be a coward no more
Won’t you smack me on the helmet right now?!
I don’t want to live upon my knees anymore
You just tell me who to kill and say how.

Riding through a mountain pass
When a wave of men descend.
I caught one right on chest
And another on the chin.

Someone is going to die
But praise the gods, it won’t be I!
For I killed one and maybe two
Inside the pass, through which wind blew.

Gods, I don’t want to be a coward no more
Let’s just push it to the limit right now.
I don’t want to live upon my knees anymore
You just show me who to kill and say how.

Falling on the soft green grass
Lying in a pool of blood
Clouds come down surround me now
They overtake me like a flood.

Pink flags in the distance fly
Carried by a calvary.
Lift my head, now where am I?
The moon is green, where could I be?

Green moon, where could you be?
This can’t be earth, so where are we?
And do you feel the gentle wind
The scent of rose- you’ll ride again.

Climb upon my horse again
Let my purple flag unfurl.
We will ride forever now
Conquering the autumn world.

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