Theodore

21 Oct
0

 

153

 

Theodore

bells ring, people sing
nobody cries about anything
they just let go, follow the flow
this is the wisdom that people know

but i dream in stone- i know this world of air
it can’t be the world that’s really there
through my fingers the tears keep falling down
they’ll fall and fall until they reach a solid ground

aye aye bye bye
theodore has left us and we’ll never know why
try not to cry when people die

ok, but where do they go?
they go to the light
that’s what you say, but it doesn’t seem right
to have to stay in a world so slight

change is life, life is change
these are the things you can’t rearrange
nothing in this world lasts forever
this brings value to the time we spend together

but I dream of bodies that God won’t take away
with limbs that never fall off and decay
through fingers my tears keep falling down
they’ll fall and fall until they reach the solid ground

aye aye bye bye
theodore has left us and we’ll never know why
try not to cry when people die

ok, but where do they go?
they go to the light
that’s what you say, but it doesn’t seem right
to have to stay in a world so slight

we won’t cry, this is a celebration
theodore made his life into a joyous creation

he was smart, fun, hardworking and modest
now he’s invisible and made of air just like God is

but i dream of gods with bodies of their own
who walk this world decked out in flesh and bone
just like angels, my tears keep falling down
they’ll fall and fall until we reach the solid ground
aye aye bye bye
theodore has left us and we’ll never know why
try not to cry when people die

ok, but where do they go?
they go to the light
that’s what you say, but it doesn’t seem right
to have to stay in a world so slight

don’t despair, he’s still sort of there
living in your heart like a puff of warm air

 

Download MP3: Theodore

I am Bone.

10 Oct
0

 

This song (not to be confused with “I am the Bone“) was inspired by things in the news, people going missing & all that.

 

I am Boneman with flashlight discovers bones

Push through trees at night you’ll never
find the one you’ll love forever.
Some die, some don’t
Some will some won’t
Follow me & I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

Shine a flashlight on the dark ground
Time changes thing until they can no longer be found.
I once swore to go before you
Follow me & I will show you

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

When they scream you’ll know they’ve found me
Terror and shock they will surround me
Don’t shake don’t cry, I am nearby
Follow me and I will show you.

Come find me, keep in mind we
won’t be coming home- I am bone.

 

Download MP3: I Am Bone

Home

8 Oct
0

Yesterday I watched an episode of MacGyver, and it convinced me that I simply have to become more practical if I am to survive, much less thrive, on this planet. I have to become a female MacGyver, or at the very least, work my way out of the “special needs” category.  This isn’t the first time I’ve had this notion, but I always get so overwhelmed by the vast number of skills you need to be even a person of average practicality, that I quickly give up in despair, and decide that, if something ever happens to James I will just have to be content living out my days in a mental institution. Until today, when it occurred to me that I could simply divide all practical skills up into a number of categories and try to tackle one category at a time. So, for this month, I am attempting to become better at housekeeping.
Baby Snuffles in Basket with Tea Towel
One thing I was admiring about MacGyver, was how- after climbing a mountain and knocking an Asian soldier unconscious- he immediately picked up the soldier’s coffee cup and finished off its contents. Later in the show, he found some Hershey’s chocolate bars on the floor of a recently exploded building that was filling with poisonous gas, and picked one up and started eating it. It made me realize that you just can’t be squeamish if you want to play at MacGyver’s level.  But in my case, excessive squeamishness has definitely been a practicality inhibitor. So, I am going to make sure that in housekeeping, I especially embrace the tasks I would normally hand off to someone else, such as cleaning the toilets, taking out the trash, and cleaning the vacuum filter. (Maybe I should even have a sandwich afterwards without washing my hands!) I have long speculated that there may be a correlation between personal power and how willing a person is to get their hands dirty.

So, this housekeeping focus has got me thinking about all the things that turn a house into a home. I tend to think of homes as being very large people, and just like us, their lives depend on a wide variety of organs, systems, and substances in order to live. Without the necessary components, they are simply large bodies that neither live nor breathe. I think many houses nowadays never quite make it all the way to becoming homes, because a mobile, career-centered lifestyle focused on sophistication and refinement tends to lack many of the earthly elements that bring a house to life. In fact, I had been planning to let my current apartment remain an empty-ish white box, to decrease the hassle of moving when we eventually relocate. But I’m not sure it is even safe for humans to live in white boxes, at least not over the long run. People think a lot about the nutrition that comes from food, but I think an equal amount of our nutrition comes from our environment and the things that surround us.

And here are some of the things it seems to me that houses need in order to come to life:

1. Plantly things, like potted plants, unvarnished wood, natural wicker, or even some branches or wildflowers in a mason jar. Plants are the lungs of a room and enable it to breathe.

2. Pictures. Despite (or perhaps because of) having hundreds of drawings and paintings piled up in my home, I haven’t hung pictures on my walls in the longest time, but this is a big mistake! If windows are the eyes of a home, then pictures are a home’s imagination and it’s ability to dream.

3. Soft things, like blankets, pillows, towels, rugs, curtains, or even stuffed animals. These are a home’s soft arms that give you a much needed squeeze at the end of the day.

4. Hard, natural textures, like stone, brick, terra cotta, tile, and even porcelain and glass. These are the bones of a home. Have you ever noticed how bony people make it easily through the lean times and don’t lose their integrity during the fast times? Well, it is the same with homes.

5. Memories, if you are lucky enough to have any good ones. These can be any objects that connect you to happy times in the past, or meaningful relationships you have known. These are, of course, a home’s memory, and help to keep it warm and stable.

6. Gold. Touches of gold, perhaps unvarnished brass or gold leaf, are like a home’s halo. They connect a home to God the Father and remind us that good will eventually triumph.

7. Handmade items and crafts of all sorts are the hands of a home. They remind the home to engage in life fully and not be weighed down by perfectionism and inhibitions..

8. Food. Probably the most important facet of all, cooking and eating are truly the heart and life blood of a home. The fire, the bubbles, the clinks, the smells and the vapors. The forks and plates and crumbs. These are the things which, above all else, seem to bring a home to life.

 

Ever since the initial exhilaration of living someplace new wore off, I have found myself rather depressed in West Virginia. It is just so green here. I cannot even see a slice of sky from my window, only walls of green from trees rising up the side of a mountain. Being green probably sounds wonderful, but to me, green is the heaviest color- dense, dark and difficult to digest, like a solid stick of butter with no bread. Heavy things, things that are difficult and thick with no bubbles, have always been my weak point in life.

Julien in the Walmart parking lot.

Me, exploring Walmart’s parking lot.

In New Hampshire, the conversations I would overhear, tended to revolve around movies, restaurants, politics… airy, impersonal things. Here, it is mostly thick and sticky gossip, or else ironing out the details of Jesus’s Millenial Reign. Football, faith, and family are all that really matter here, and it isn’t clear to me how I can be a relevant part of that picture. Plus, I miss the ocean.

So, about every 36 hours I get so depressed that I can neither move nor stop crying, which will provoke James to drive me out to one of my favorite parking lots (yesterday it was Walmart). I tell him what I am feeling, and invariably he shows me a new way of looking at the situation, which causes the depression to evaporate almost instantaneously, giving me the energy to get out of the car and explore all of the parking lot’s interesting nooks and crannies. It is strange, how quickly even the heaviest feelings can change in response to seeing things in a different light.

Which has really underscored for me how much our feelings reflect our thoughts. And our thoughts- these seem to reflect something even more rarified, which I would call our spiritual perspective, our core beliefs about life. What is life? What is its purpose? Is it guiding me? Is it forever? Does it want the same things for me that I want for myself? And so on and so forth. Mostly we go through life answering these questions only subconsciously, but still our conclusions form the basis for all our other thinking.

But how can we know the true nature of life? It isn’t really something which can be determined by our intellect. But I think we have faculties which go beyond our intellectual, emotional, and physical ones, even if these faculties are not always acknowledged by our society. On some level, we KNOW what life is, and we KNOW who we really are. But too much confusing feedback from the world can cause us to doubt this part of ourselves who knows.

There is, I think, a golden sun in the center of the universe, whose light feeds our minds with truths about life and our place in it. If we shut our eyes to this sun, the world grows dark and confused. We strain our minds, trying to find reasons to feel good about ourselves, we strain our emotions, trying to stimulate them towards happiness, and we strain our resources, burning through them to fill the emptiness.

If I had to name this sun, I would call it The Future. In a way, I think our most important spiritual belief may be the idea that we are immortal beings living in eternity. Without this, the future can never truly be bright, and without a bright future, happiness is impossible. Without eternity, there is no true love, no true meaning, and no true growth. Without eternity, there is no reason to believe that the universe loves us or that we have much value at all. But with an infinite future, all set-backs are temporary and all gains have infinite value. Relationships take on a new dimension, and we can set the most lofty and profound goals for ourselves. If I could change one thing about our culture, I would change our belief in impermanence to a belief in forever, because I think this would cause us to honor the golden things that really matter. And on a personal level, I wish I could regain the feeling of timelessness I knew as a child. Because when time ends, peace begins.

 

Burn

1 Oct
0

 

One of my favorite parts of living in West Virginia is driving through the mountains at night listening to religious sermons on the radio. Yesterday, the sermon was about the Millennial Reign of Jesus, which begins when the Saints of Tribulation rise from the grave and begin their march up the Mountain of Olives, where Jesus will be waiting for them along with a white unicorn. On this mountain, Jesus and the saints will arm themselves and prepare for the battle ahead,  which involves casting most humans into hell (but only AFTER turning them into immortals, so that they will suffer till the end of time) and imprisoning Satan deep in Cetarez- the Mariana Trench of Hell (where he will live for the next one thousand years, until he escapes for the Final Battle.)

 

Jesus emerges from Olive Mountain as the Saints of Tribulation rise from the grave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While I’m not sure I completely agree with the preacher on what the future holds, I do like it that people’s minds are open enough to entertain such fanciful possibilities. And I like the idea that the very essence of reality could suddenly change in the blink of an eye. I tend to assume that the basic laws and shape of the universe will remain as they are- but what if they won’t? What if the people of the hills are right, and this is the seventh day of reality- the day when God rests- but soon his day of rest will end and all of hell will break loose? Although, personally, I would prefer a less violent eighth day, when Jesus returns to right every wrong and turn the earth into Teddy Bear World.

 

 

Download MP3: Burn

Big Ship

19 Sep
0

 

Big Ship

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You learned to live in a world of dark blue
People walk by but they never touch you
You learned to live in a world of role play
People mean things that they never say

Hold on to your mask, keep on walking fast
Soon the door will open and you’re gonna get past

Just keep walking to the river; just keep walking through the night
You’ll see the door begin to form inside the morning light

Big ship flying out of this world
Big ship flying out of this world

You learned to see in a world of rainbow
Spend your day shopping for a set of new clothes
Cold cold rainbow behind them big smiles
Chills down your spine when the needle slides

Slip inside your veins and it’ll be too late for you
Soon you won’t remember what you came on earth to do
Could you slip inside your mind and make a corner just for you
Maybe leave behind a symbol of the things you need to do

Big ship flying out of this world
Big ship flying out of this world

You learned to walk in the world of today
Scrub, scrub, scrub off the memory
You learned to walk in a world of touchdowns
High-five when another ship goes down

You know you’ll never make it if you don’t begin to run
Do you want to trade forever for a tiny bit of fun
And is it even fun or just another style of pain
Do you ever wonder why your loss is someone else’s gain

Big ship flying out of this world
Big ship flying out of this world

Give them three noes for every one yes
Never apologize and never confess
Run from the people who think that you’re strange
Run from the people who say that they’ll change

People never change, but their ships go down
You don’t want to tie your mind onto the wisdom of this town
You know they’ll never make it, you know their ways are wrong
You got to keep on running to the ship where you belong

Big ship flying out of this world
Big ship flying out of this world

 

Download MP3: Big Ship

Daystar

14 Sep
0

 

 

gold and green, hard and roundDaystar: humans, humanoids, space crafts and stars line up to see a flaming tree
favorite son, toast of town
bathe in wine, soak it up
slip inside golden cup

soaking up the golden sun
seeking smiles from everyone
life is laughter, life is fun
seeking praise from everyone

for your fire for your flame
golden face, golden smile, golden name
they will see just how happy you are
you are the sun, you are the way, you are the daystar

you’re no fool, you know the fluff
is the child of darker stuff
nameless men, blackened faces
shoveling in darker places

underground, never done
shine no light, see no sun
when they emerge on creaky knees
you will be the star they see

it’s your fire, it’s your flame
golden face, golden smile, golden name
they will see just how humble you are
you are the sun, you are the way, you are the daystar

in your stomach something churns
late at night, acid burns
clutch your stomach, clutch your wife
you deserve a happy life

fix your stomach, fix your self
mommy’s picture on your shelf
you are smart, you are good
you will burn the ancient wood

for your fire, for your flame
golden face, golden smile, golden name
they will see just how lucky you are
you are the one, you are the sun, you are the daystar

 

Download MP3: Daystar

 

Dream World

12 Sep
0

 

 

Dream World

You’re all alone now, nothing changes The Letter (Rainbow)
Snow blows and it rearranges
Time froze into winter cages
Try to settle in.

Cold air through an empty earhole
Brain cried its last tears so many years ago
Fur hat is a symbol of a world that’s never been.

But you hear stories of cinnamon cloves
Fingers thawing over ovens and stoves
Copper kettle that whistles and blows
Dogs that wag their tails when you walk in.

Dream World, sleeps in a box at night
Seed World, hidden from every light
Need world, nothing to do but hang on. 

Dream World, why can’t I breathe?
Because you’re in the ground; it has things that you need,
But love is all around; you’re only a seed so hang on.

Night falls when nobody sees you
Might be death when nobody needs you
Limbs freeze when nobody feels you
Life continues on.

The spring will come, yes, but not for me I’m sure
Streams that freeze won’t bubble anymore
Ice glued to a frozen door won’t welcome anyone.

But you’ll hear stories of cinnamon cloves
Clouds of licorice clinging to clothes
Sun shining over tea towels and doughs
Arms of baking bread when you walk in.

Dream world, sleeps in a box at night
Seed world, hidden from every light
Need world, nothing to do but hang on.

Dream world, why can’t I breathe?
Because you’re in the ground; it has things that you need
But love is all around, you’re only a seed so hang on.

Brains shut down and spirits die
Souls dry up when they never cry
But hearts keep beating cause they know
the answers lie in time.

Dreams sleep in the frozen ground
Pink dots lost in a world of brown
They can’t be seen or make a sound
but their ears are open wide

And they hear stories of cinnamon cloves
Candies smothered in ribbons and bows
Flowers blooming in well tended rows
Arms that squeeze so tight when you walk in.

Dream world, sleeps in a box at night
Seed world, hidden from every light
Need world, nothing to do but hang on.

Dream world, why can’t I breathe?
Because you’re in the ground, it has things that you need,
But love is all around; you’re only a seed so hang on.

 

Download MP3: Dream World

 

A song about my favorite season, Autumn.

Autumn’s Garden

When at last the autumn came, he was wishing that the summer would still remain
the leaves were crackle and crisp, flaming, exhilarating but still the same
he didn’t feel quite ready yet, he didn’t feel quite ready for the sound,
the earthly crinkle that would snap and crunch each time he laid a footprint down.

What beat to make, he wondered, what sort of rhythm should I impose
once all the leaves are gone too many clear cut lines will be exposed,
where will I lay the silence, where the tinny tap and leaden thud,
is this a dream or must I actually know bad from good?

The Brothers: A brother eats a pear sent to him by his brother through the veil of the grave as the sun watches.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Leaves fall, animals grow thick hair
apples sway on the trees
you, sir, will spend the fall on your knees.

Pumpkins, squash, persimmon and cranberries,
autumn’s sword can be kind,
kneel down, fly away in your mind. *

All his life it seemed, green leaves had swirled around him like a smoke
languid fruits that dangled there for him to eat if he felt so disposed,
leaves that dappled light swelling in an air as thick as butter
made it seem alright somehow to say one thing and do another.

Time was a blob then, it never held him at gunpoint and made him choose,
he could make various gains, never needing to select a battle to lose,
and any loose ends could be scattered round the forest here and there
making him less than eager to see the things that autumn would lay bare.

*

People said he was handsome, but he wasn’t really sure how they could tell
green leaves controlled the light, they twisted it just like a magic spell
he’d been in love so many times, so many people took his breath away
sometimes leading to intimacy, still he dreaded to see them when the autumn came.

How could he laugh it off then, when soon his eyes would see so very far
things long forgotten coming starkly into view from his own yard,
he hadn’t really meant to lie, it was just the dappled world he was a part of
is it justice to try summer’s child inside the court of autumn?

 

Download MP3: Autumn’s Garden

 

 

This is a video James made with his helicopter. I like it because it captures the hovering feel of the song. Plus, I like the scenery of West Virginia. It is so green here that sometimes I get green overload. My new hobby is walking around parking lots, in fact, because their crisp flatness provides a nice contrast to the the crazy, plant infested hills I am usually contending with. Plus, the parking lots are beautiful, because they are surrounded by green mountains in every direction. In addition, they are interesting, because the average parking lot contains about 3 gambling establishments, all of which have names like “Nel’s Coffee” but inside they are filled with slot machines. People here like to gamble, I suppose. They also like Jesus, family, sports, guns, and exercise.

My favorite thing about these mountain folk is how friendly they are- it is hard to buy a bottle of shampoo without finding out what a stranger had for breakfast. And if you have anything you’d like to get off your chest, the person in front of you at the gas station will be happy to listen. If the mask of New England is to appear high-brow, moral, and intellectual, the mask of West Virginia is to appear down-home, simple, and guileless. But I have already been here long enough to realize this is just a projection- the people here have just as much guile as they do anywhere else. Sometimes, I feel truly shocked by the amount of guile humans have- would it be possible to overestimate how tricky and deceptive we are?

Just last night, for example, I discovered that a friend who died a couple year ago, actually faked his death! But why should I be shocked, when my own favorite book in high school was “How to Disappear and Never Be Found” a book about how to fake your death and assume a new identity?

It is hard to blame people for being deceptive, when it can feel like the whole world is set up to punish people for telling the truth, and to reward those people who claim to feel what they don’t feel, to think what they don’t think, and to be something they aren’t.

Do Not Trust This Man

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